After last nights epic transfer stress (told me to pack up at 6.45 and I finally got into bed at the other side at 1.30am!!) I’m finally in the Northern General. I had a terrible nights sleep, my fears and anxieties just got the better of me and I spent a fair chunk of the night in a state of panic.
This morning the surgeon has been to see me and has made the final confirmation that surgery is definitely the right decision and will be going ahead today! I don’t have a time yet but I’m on nil by mouth and they’re attaching IV fluids and the like to me so I’m thinking it won’t be too long.
So how do I feel?
It’s odd, at times I feel total abject terror. The thought of the actual surgery is such a frightening thought – I’m scared of the whole cutting and removing and all… I’m frightened of pain and if there’s difficulties. I’m frightened of this feeling of being alone. I have the best husband, kids, family and friends and I’m so well supported. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness I have been shown. But in these hours of waiting and those long, dark evening times I’m so very alone with my thoughts.
But on the other hand I know this is the right thing to do. It’s the start of a journey that should end in me being well. I’m excited to think of a life that won’t include Ulcerative Colitis. To think Ill be able to plan in advance without the fear that Ill be crippled by a flare up.
I’ve said for years that I really just want to be a ‘normal’ person without having to take a host of meds to function. Some people who know me may say Ill never be normal but hey!!!
So this morning I’m going to sit, try to relax and think about the things in my life that make me blessed. My husband. My kids Charlie, Ellie and especially Thom! My family. My friends.
The fact that we live in a country that means my care is free! I read American IBD blogs and I’m shocked at the stress they endure on top of their illness with money and insurance.
I know it’s a terrible clique but I do feel that today is the first day of a new life for myself and my family.
I’m on the emergency list which means the surgery is imminent but if another priority comes in ahead of me, my surgery will be dropped back.
I’m quite weepy still today, I wish I could say I’ve got my big girl pants on and a brave face but more often than not its a slightly panicked, puffy moon face with red eyes!!! I swear in my head when I weep I look like this…
In reality it’s more like this…
Thank you for all the folk reading the blog, I’m blown away. Yesterday over 400 of you were reading and the numbers are going up all the time. It’s amazing and I’m so honoured to have you share my journey with me. The whole reason for this place is to break the poo taboo and to get people talking about IBD, Ulcerative Colitis and Crohns – I just hope my ramblings can help others. The other reason is that getting it all down is very cathartic for me. I know some people might think I share a little too much but I really think if I’m going to do this I need to do it openly and honestly.
So Ill see you all on the flip side! Still rollin’ with no colon!!!