I think in general I am a fairly positive person. I really try not to wallow in self pity and I always try and find the silver lining. Not always of course, but on the whole I really try.
I’m struggling at the moment. I want to shout and scream like a toddler. I want to bang my hands and feet on the floor and get all Chinese crying baby. I want to say ‘ITS NOT FAIR!’
I feel like I’m a fairly decent chap, I’m kind and caring and I love my friends and family. I try hard to be a good person, I think of others before myself and I try to put more niceness into the world than badness. So it’s hard when I feel like I’m getting dealt a shitty hand! If I believed in a God if be thinking that he had something against me right now!!!!
Part of me would find it so easy to sink into self pity. Part of me wants to lay in bed with my curtains closed, Alanis Morrissette on full blast, a bottle of red wine and a box of tissues… Crying, weeping, wailing. A good chunk of drama, hand to forehead, perhaps some swooning.
But you know what? Logically I know that’s not going to help ANYTHING! It won’t make me feel better. It won’t stop me being in pain. It won’t take away my stoma, it won’t heal my body from surgery. It won’t bring back my doggy.
It won’t stop me feeling sad. It won’t stop this deep grief inside. I’m grieving Elvis. But I’m also grieving my bowel – that’s an odd one!!! I’m grieving a ‘normal’ life without a bag.
So I make a choice. Every day I make a choice that however this day goes, I’m going to try to deal with it positively.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. When I’m sad I will have a cry and a bug cuddle with Timm. We talk a LOT. About how I’m feeling, how Timm is feeling. About how I am physically, mentally and emotionally and that helps so much.
I’m not suggesting I’m a bundle of sunshine!! I think it’s really important that I talk about the negative things as well as the positive. This blog is helping me so much to be able to pour my emotions onto the page.
But I think the most important part of my recovery is going to be an emotional one. So I try. Every day I try to stay positive. To be mindful. To think of the good things in my life. To stay centred. To take ten minutes to meditate (yes really!!!!). To appreciate. To be grateful. To love. And to be loved.
Being happy is an option. No matter how shit life may seem, whatever is thrown at you. You can make the decision to try to be happy. Take control of whatever you can, no matter how small. I’ve realised control is quite important to me, I realised that when I lost it and suddenly was post op in a hospital and couldn’t move, couldn’t clean myself or do anything. But I can control how I react to it. So I try to realise that though I have had to rely on other in the last two weeks to do things that I wish I could do myself, that Blimey, aren’t I lucky to have people around me who are willing to help me!!!
I can’t control that Elvis, my awesome dog has died. So suddenly he is just gone!! I feel in shock. Timm has been to get his body from our neighbours and Ive had a few minutes with him this morning. He looks perfect, there is not a mark on him. If you don’t have pets, you may not understand just how heartbreaking it is to lose an animal. He was part of my family and we all loved him so much. I miss him. He has been by my side since I left hospital, I think he did know that I was in pain (either that or he was just enjoying the warmth and my allowing him in my bed!!) I feel like its so unfair that he is gone, and for it to happen now when Im already dealing with so much bloody sucks.
Its hard to find any positivity in the situation because there isn’t any. But I can make a choice, I can cry and say its not fair (and I have done that for a while!!) or I can cuddle my children and encourage them to talk about all the things we loved about him. About the funny way he scrunched up his nose so he looked like he was smiling. About just how greedy he was and how he’d do anything for a treat! About his soft ears, his helicopter tail and his big wide eyes. I know the kids will mirror our reactions, so its important that they see us smiling. We have all had a cry together. We have talked about how it is ok to cry, ok to be sad. But important that we think about the things we loved about him. The things that made us happy.
This weekend Timm had to work away again, he took our two eldest children and my amazing friend Caroline came to stay. We had our two youngest kids with us and she has cooked, cleaned and cared for me. She is an awesome person and just a truly beautiful friend. How lucky am I? I cant be grumpy and sink into self pity when I have people around me who are so caring and wonderful.
I’ve said before and ill say again. I am BLOWN AWAY by the messages, cards, gifts, flowers, texts, phone calls and visits I have had from you all. Every single one genuinely makes me feel better. With all the support and care I have had from so many people, I choose to stay positive…
Thank you for reading and for caring.
Love Sam xxx