October 2013 - So Bad Ass

Stoma and Ileostomy photoshoot

29th October 2013/181 Comments/in Blog/by sam

When surgery became a possibility I did what we all do these days and googled it… THAT was a mistake (seriously don’t google stomas, you’ll give yourself nightmares!!)

Many images are medical, none are particularly flattering, most are terrifying.

Since having my subtotal colectomy and ileostomy I have realised that neither is anywhere near as frightening as I thought they would be. My bag is barely noticeable and my stoma is kind of cute to be honest!

I had two separate emails from women recently, one saying she had a stoma and an ileostomy a few years ago and didn’t leave the house for six months till she had the takedown surgery. And another from a woman due to have surgery who spoke of her fears of being ‘ugly’ and ‘disgusting’. Both emails broke my heart. I feel so sad that this life saving operation has such a bad reputation when it comes to looks and self esteem.

I understand the feelings. When I first had my surgery I was to scared to look at my stoma. The thought of my intestines being on the outside horrified me and from the images I had seen online, I believed my femininity and any form of attractiveness would have been removed along with my diseased bowel.

Since then I have been googling A LOT – I wanted to find some powerful, beautiful images of women with ileostomy or colostomy bags and stomas to share on this blog. I struggled…. There are some model shoots for stoma products that I found cheesy. There are plenty of medical photos and quite a few selfies!

So I decided that as I live with a photographer and Im not really a wallflower that I may as well do a photo shoot to show off my bag and stoma and hopefully to create a series of photos that show femininity, sexuality, creativity and beauty.

I would LOVE your feedback as Im feeling quite nervous about putting these out there… I wanted to show others the true face of stomas and ileostomies. Im obviously not a model, Im a normal size 16 woman with wobbly bits and stretch marks.

I have a stoma and I wear an ileostomy bag but they are such a small part of what I am. I hope this can inspire others who have had or are due to have the surgery. Your body is awesome. This surgery saves lives and that little bit of intestine doesn’t change who you are – be proud, be confident and be amazing.

Love Sam xx

All photography is by the awesome Timm Cleasby of The Picture Foundry.

Swimming with a stoma

28th October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I’ve been swimming tonight for the first time since the surgery. I was really nervous about going in the water wearing a bag but after 8 weeks and with our trip to Australia coming up fast I thought it was literally time to take the plunge. It was definitely a psychological barrier, but it has been one that has played on my mind since my op as I knew I would want to be in the water in Australia so I wanted to face my fear as soon as possible.

I read up a lot on swimming with a stoma and found that it was recommended as a great gentle form of exercise, the information assured me that my ileostomy bag will hold out in the water and wouldn’t end up floating past me. The adhesive on the flange (yep, its still ok to laugh at the word – I still do!) is designed to stay on in water, in fact the water strengthens the adhesive. It is all well and good reading about it though, I still didn’t believe it!

So I used my usual dansac bag but added extra sticky patches around the edge to give me added confidence. These were actually more of a hindrance that a help as I found the water went underneath it on the side closest to my belly button and it lifted. But my ileostomy bag itself held perfectly well, no leaks, no lifting on the edges and no problems at all! So pleased!! I decided not to eat for a few hours before swimming in the hope that output would be to a minimum and that was helpful even if just to my head.

My other worry was that the bag would be really visible through my costume, Im not too worried when we are on holiday and I am planning to wear a bikini on the beach, but I felt I wanted it covered at my local pool. You can buy specialist stoma swimwear from a few places (just google!) which have pouches sewn into them to keep your bag tight against for body and protected, but to be honest Im still to find one that looks nice! Some have a nice design but are in vile fabrics, others are in inoffensive fabrics but look poorly made. Ill be damned to pay £40 for a bikini that doesn’t make me feel fab! I wore my own swimsuit tonight which is black with a heavy floral pattern and my bag was barely visible. I suppose if you really stared you’d see the bottom of the bag but that would be weird…

Changing afterwards worried me a bit, but I made sure I had all my stoma stuff with me. I was hoping to not have to change the bag but as the extra stickies I applied had lifted, they had gone sticky and when I took them off, they lifted the flange on the bag. So I did a full change and despite my concerns, it was all fine!

During the swim I took it easy, we went as a family and so I swam lengths slowly with my daughter. I felt the muscles in my stomach and chest really stretching, not painful but a good stretch. I made sure I didn’t over do it and would have stopped if I felt any pain.

I feel really good tonight, it feels great to be exercising and even better to feel more in control of my body. I would highly recommend it to anyone with a stoma. I know it is so scary but now I have done it once, I am looking forward to more swimming, aqua fit classes and mostly a holiday on the beach in and out of the sea with no worries and no stress!

Love Sam xx

Joining the gym

28th October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Before I had kids I was skinny, I was a size 8 and then after having my first son I was a size 16. Since then I have gone up a bit and then down a bit but always ended around a 16.

I’m ok with this, I know I’m not skinny but I think I look alright! I have curves and boobs and hips and though I do still have the odd down moment, usually when shopping for clothes, I’m not desperately unhappy with my weight or figure.

However, since the op I have realised that I probably take my body for granted and don’t take care of it as much as I should. Though I do think about diet and love to cook, I don’t always eat as healthily as I could and my post surgery enforced diet with barely any fruit and veg hasn’t helped at all.

It has been almost 8 weeks since the operation and now is the time to start building my strength back up so I’m joining the gym. I’m a bit scared, the gym is obviously not my natural habitat but after all I have been through I think I owe it to myself to look after my body. I have five sessions with a personal trainer so I can be sure I’m doing the right exercises to aid recovery rather than do any damage to myself!

Timm and I are going for a family membership so we can both get fit and encourage the kids to do so too. We’re planning a weekly swimming session with the kids and then I’m going for a mix of gym sessions and classes. There’s aqua classes, low impact classes, yoga and Pilates for me to start with to ease me in and not be too much on my scar and stoma.

My eldest will also be able to use the gym which is a good way to encourage exercise and caring for his body from a young age. Despite being thin and having an athletic build, he dislikes group sports but does enjoy the gym at school and has weights in his room so it will be nice for him to get used to that environment from his youth.

My friend was telling me about her lifestyle changes in diet and exercise and how it’s changed her attitude so much. She feels strong and in control and I must admit to feeling a little jealous! So I’m joining the gym crowd, I’m taking control of the situation and have to make time for myself.

Whether I decide to keep the bag or to have the pouch surgery, I will have to have at least one more surgery and so I want to make sure that I’m the fittest I can be to face this. Recovering from surgery is bloody hard work! So I need to give myself the best fighting chance of coming out of all future ops strong and well.

It’s too easy to make excuses. I don’t have time. I can’t afford it. It’s too difficult. But in reality if you really want to do it, then you have to make yourself try, you have to make time. If you can’t care for your own health and body, no one else is going to!

As a fully paid up member of the excuses club, I know them all. But in reality it comes down to a desire to start getting healthy, will power to keep going and hard work. There’s a quote I saw that said “no matter how slow you are moving, you are lapping the people on the coach” So I’m going to start, slowly at first but hopefully in a few months Ill be feeling stronger, fitter and healthier than ever!

So wish me luck!

Sam xx

I forgot about my bag!

27th October 2013/1 Comment/in Blog/by sam

I can often be forgetful. I once found our house phone in the vegetable drawer of the fridge but today I did some good forgetting.

We went out today to look at new cars, I changed my bag this morning and now Im getting more adept at it, it took just a few minutes. I got dressed in clothes from a wardrobe that I have removed EVERYTHING that doesn’t work with my ileostomy bag and so it was stress free and fast. Then we went out. A few hours later we stopped with the kids for some lunch at McDonalds, I ordered my food and sat and ate…

Then all of a sudden I remembered about my bag. For the first time in almost 8 weeks I had forgotten all about it, I hadn’t thought about it once since I had changed it in the morning! I know this may not sound like much but when you spend so much time thinking about it, cleaning, changing, worrying about leaks, feeling it to see if its full and needs emptying, worrying if others can see it, or even worse smell it, the realisation that it hadn’t crossed my mind for a few hours was amazing!

I have changed bags and Im using Dansac Nova 1 EasiFold Convex (Ref 841-25) and it is amazing, it fits so well and is the only bag that has worked for me. My stoma is quite close to both my belly button and to my scar which makes it very difficult to find a bag that sticks properly to my skin. This bag has a diamond shaped flange that is fabric and so it fits snugly and perfectly around my belly button. The leaks from the other bags were really affecting my confidence and self esteem as well as my sleep! So to finally have a bag that works is life changing.

If you had told me a few weeks ago that I would go out for the day and actually forget that I had a stoma and bag, I would have laughed in your face. Im just so glad that within two months I am able to start having something of a normal life back, that it is so much easier now and that I have my confidence back!

Love Sam xx

Objectified or flattered?

24th October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

This is an article I wrote for parenting website Bad Mothers Club a few years ago, for more information see my PR friendly page.

The age of innocence seems to be ebbing away in my house. When asking my seven year old son what he thought of his new teacher, I did not expect him to answer:

“She’s OK, not as fit as Miss Smith though.”

My poor naive brain thought he must be referring to the amount of time she spends on the treadmill and I mumbled a sheepish reply that Miss Smith did indeed seem quite sporty. After bursting into giggles he put me right by letting me know that the general consensus at school was that she was a ‘Fitty’.

When did my sweet innocent child turn into this hormonal creature?? He’ll be reading some God awful lads’ mag and wolf whistling at girls in the playground next.

The left wing, lentil munching hippy came out in me and I tried to discuss how we shouldn’t objectify women in this manner, how Miss Smith was a highly trained, intelligent woman who was a wonderful, caring teacher.

“I agree mummy, but she’s still a hotty!” Charlie happily replied.

This contrast between the grown up phrases coming out of his mouth and the little boy stood in front of me who cried yesterday because he couldn’t finish the last level on his Spongebob game is confusing to say the least.

I thought I was doing so well at sex education, my husband and I decided we would be open and honest and answer any questions they may have with no embarrassment or fibbing about storks. We have talked about how babies are made, about vaginas (though I still hate that word) and penises (or is that peni??). We have looked through a variety of sex ed books aimed at children with the minimal amount of pointing and giggling. I have also had the pleasure of explaining to my then five year old why his willy gets hard sometimes.

But I hadn’t even thought about the social side of sex. Yet in an age where they are completely surrounded by sexual messages, and when they hear older children imitating language they hear on TV, is it any wonder we have a generation of seven year olds who are teens before their time?

So we sit down for a chat, he senses immediately that something is not right and wriggles restlessly, casting a yearning eye towards his games console.

“Son” I say, “when you get older you may start to feel attracted to girls” (The thought that he may be attracted to boys crosses my mind but let’s not complicate things for now.)

“Don’t worry Mummy, I’m always going to live with you,” he says.

“Well, no, you probably won’t,” I say. “When you grow up you will find a girl who you fall in love with and you’ll might want to get married and have your own house. And er, well, the point is that you may find girls attractive but you must treat them with respect. They may not like being referred to as ‘Fitties’.”

“Mummy” he sighs, looking at me as a patient father would an idiot. “Is this because I called Miss Smith a fitty?”

“Well yes. I understand you may hear these phrases but they are not really appropriate.”

He gets up, pats me on the thigh, kisses my cheek and says,

“Don’t worry, Mummy, I think you’re a fitty too!”

Did I feel objectified or flattered? I’m still working on it.

Love Sam xx

Do you dare to go bare?

23rd October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I keep seeing articles about “brave” celebrities being seen out and about without any make up on. Is this what being brave means as a woman? Is it vanity or just what is expected of celebs these days?

I know a lot of women who would not dream of leaving the house without makeup, they feel their slap gives them confidence and makes them feel better about themselves. Now whilst there is nothing wrong with wearing make up to boost your confidence, I do worry that if make up is linked entirely with your self esteem then perhaps it’s not that healthy.

I do wear make up when Im going on a night out, I generally don’t wear much day to day – but I rarely leave the house without mascara, if my lashes are done then I feel ready.

A friend will even wear lippy and mascara when she goes to the gym or out running… though I do laugh, I get that its her safety blanket.

This photo shows me straight from the shower, when I look at it I see dark circles under my eyes and I feel my eyes lack definition. But I also feel I look like myself – Im a 32 year old mother of three, I see reasonably clear skin, a nice mouth and a twinkle in my eye. Sadly I do feel a little uncomfortable putting up a photograph of me not looking my best but I thought I’d dare to bare and honestly describe how I feel I look.

A recent survey found two-thirds of women feel that facing the world without make-up is more stressful than a job interview. I do find it sad that so many women feel that showing their natural self can be so stressful.

One of my all time favourite people, Zooey Deschanel was featured in People Magazine with no make up, rightly or wrongly, it made me like her more. She seemed more approachable, more girl next door and more like a ‘real’ person.

So do you dare to go bare? Or is your make up your confidence boost??

Love Sam xx

Update

22nd October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Sorry I have been away from the blog for a week or so, the downside to feeling better and stronger is that you have to start doing all the things you were doing before illness!! I am back to work, which to be honest feels GREAT. I run a photography company called The Picture Foundry with my husband and getting back on track feels really good.

I am driving again (AT LAST!!!!) I felt really isolated and out of control not being able to drive for so long. We live out in the sticks and have no buses, we don’t even have pavements – so being literally back in the driving seat is a big move forward to me feeling like myself again. Im also back into the grind of housework and the like. That bit I could do without!!

All this has meant that I haven’t had time to update the blog, so I am very sorry and I promise to try and be a better blog keeper! You can always take a peek over at The Picture Foundry’s blog to see what we are up to.

Ive been getting some fab comments this week though about the blog – it still surprises me how many of you are reading. Thank you!!

One comment that made me laugh…

‘I love reading your blog! Its just like that 50 shades of Grey!!’

‘Ermmmm are you sure you are reading the right one?!!’

‘Ohh I mean I just can’t put it down, I read it as soon as I get in from work!’

I have also had quite a few comments from people who want me to write more about life affirmation, positivity and how to improve your life. That seems like a big thing to do, but Im willing to give it a shot, so look out for some new posts soon.

In other news, I have been asked to speak at an International Women’s Day event in Barnsley next year. It’s such an honour to be asked and though I am nervous, Im definitely going to do it… Id better get planning!

I still feel a little in shock about the events of the last two months, sometimes I can’t quite believe that it all happened. Physically I am healing really well, though I still feel tired easily and Im not back to 100% – I am feeling almost back to normal. I have eventually found what seems like the right ostomy bag for me. I was having a lot of issues with leaking and the flange not sticking properly (Its ok, you are allowed to laugh at the word ‘flange’) but after trying out a few different products I have found the DanSac diamond shaped one piece is working brilliantly for me!

I had a bit of a tummy bug last week and had diarrhoea (how can you tell? asked a lot of people – it was like water and there was a lot of it!) and so decided to try the marshmallow trick that was mentioned in hospital. Apparently a few marshmallows really slow down the output and can stop you getting dehydrated. I found these bad boys!! The BIGGEST marshmallows I have ever seen!!

I attended a Stoma Open day last week. My friend said they should rebrand it as the Ideal Stoma Show – y’know sex it up a bit! Anyway, it was good to see the different companies and products but if Im honest I found the whole thing quite difficult. Id say I was one of the youngest people there by a good few years. Most were over 65 and so the event was aimed at that age range. It made me feel a bit out of place. Stall holders seemed to assume I was a carer and didn’t interact with me as they were the other folk visiting. The thing is, I KNOW that there are a lot of people with stomas through IBD in the 20s to 40s, so it just made me wonder, where are they? Do they just not want to attend these events? Is it because they don’t need them or because they seem so keyed to older patients?

If you have a stoma I would love to know if you attend events like these and if not why not? If you do, then let me know your experiences of them.

Love Sam xx

How to survive a zombie apocalypse

22nd October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Halloween is coming up so just in case this is the time of a zombie apocalypse I thought I’d share my tips on surviving…

I do love a good zombie film, and Im fairly certain that at some point there will be a zombie apocalypse. My theory is that you can categorise people into three groups – Fighters, Hiders and Suiciders…

Fighters

The group of folk who are the heroes. They will fight the zombies off, plan an attack, group people together and go all Rambo on the zombies ass. They’ll be fighting with guns, knives, sticks, records and everything that comes to hand.

Hiders

They board up the windows, lock all the doors and keep quiet. They will wait out the zombie attack. They are the organised ones who have a LOT of tinned food and bottled water, maybe even an Anderson shelter or a panic room and a good dose of paranoia.

Suiciders

The folk who give up all hope. Who would rather take their own lives than risk being taken by a zombie. Usually the old or weak who feel they can’t fight or hide.

The best way to survive is probably a mix of Fighters and Hiders… You will need to band together a group with the best possible skills. You need to eat, drink and survive. If you have organised hiders on side, they will have a Disaster Kit already.

The fighters are going to need some weapons, so having people in your group who have some weaponry skills would be awesome… If not, go for the Shaun of The Dead weapon list by Shadowness.

I love this Science of surviving a Zombie Attack… Sorry, zombie is not politically correct, its Consciousness Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (CDHD)

The University of Florida is my kinda place, they have a Zombie Attack Plan and survival guide. You can read the whole (six page!) document here.

So people, get prepared. The zombies are coming…

Love Samxx

Make your What Ifs happen every day

16th October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Im revisiting some old posts from my old blog, updating them and reblogging – so don’t think you are going mad if you think you’ve seen some posts or photos before!!

My other life is running a business with my amazingly talented photographer husband Timm Cleasby. In December we took a huge leap and moved into a 15th century mill and started The Picture Foundry – our photography studio and arts hub in South Yorkshire. As you can imagine, this takes up just a little bit of my time!!

At The Picture Foundry we have a kick ass photography studio as well as gardens, woods and a stream that we are filling with awesome sets and play areas… tree houses, a stage, a ridiculously amazing chaise longue…. We also run Responsible Fishing from the mill – an arts group set up by Timm and our friend James. They come up with the most fantastical ideas and then put them into place, there is the stone balancing workshops that go out to festivals all over the UK, there is Camp Cardboard, which involves taking a huge pile of cardboard boxes into schools and encouraging the children to transform the school hall into a massive cardboard den. They currently are working on a frankly bizarre yet exciting idea of building a life size version of the childrens game, Mouse Trap…

The thinking behind our move was to have a better work/life balance and to initiate a creative hub. Life is short and you never know what time you have here so we wanted to fulfil our dreams, to make the things we have talked about for years actually happen. A saying often heard nowadays in our home is “whats the worst that can happen?”

We knew that for us, the worst that could happen is to have regrets. I want to regret the things I have done, not the things I haven’t! We didn’t want to get old and to look back and think ‘what if’ – so we make our what ifs happen every day.

Its not easy, we have three children, a dog, two cats and five chickens. We have to think about money and schools and children and we have panics that perhaps we should take an easier route. But the majority of the time, we feel blessed. We feel proud for taking a leap and lucky that we have each other. We wake up every morning and think ‘FUCK ME!!! LOOK WHERE WE LIVE!!!”

Since my surgery it feels even more important to live each day to the maximum, to take risks, live your dreams and make choices that bring you closer to your goals. Life is very short. None of us know what time we have on this planet or when life will throw us a massive curveball that will change your life forever. I knoooooowwwww I blab on about positivity but I truly believe that with the right attitude, a big lump of courage and a bit of luck we can achieve anything.

Love Sam xx

Sleep

16th October 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

After months of insomnia I’m thrilled to say that it is gone! That drug induced grind of being unable to sleep no matter how much I want to seems to have disappeared. The nights of being sat wide eyed and wired are in the past.

But my sleep patterns are still a bit crazy. I wake several times a night, sometimes to empty my bag and sometimes just to ‘check’ my bag for leaks. I don’t think I’m really getting into that deep sleep, every noise and every creak wakes me. I can get back to sleep fairly easily and quickly but on average I wake 5-6 times a night and I’m tirrrrrred man.

Today is my first day back at work. Luckily I work from home running our business with my husband. (Take a look at The Picture Foundry ) so the stress isn’t on too much but I REALLY wanted to get up and do the school run this morning and I slept through the alarm. Timm has been doing all the school runs for 7 weeks now and I do feel guilty. Now I’m kind of back on my feet I know I need to share the role again but it’s so hard when I feel so exhausted.

My sleep patterns are really skewed, I can’t complain because after months of just NOT sleeping and having to take sleeping tablets it’s a joy to be getting any sleep. But it does make getting back to normal life a bit tricky. Waking at 7am and getting up to sort the kids then driving them to school just seems like a bit of a mountain to climb after a restless night.

Being a mum of three I have obviously had my share of restless nights, but when it is night after night and I’m never feeling fully rested or like I’ve had a deep sleep it is hard work getting through the day! I can’t even remember how I did this when the kids were little and I was up with babies in the night!!

It’s been 6 weeks since my surgery now and I’m feeling really good. Physically my wound is totally healed, I occasionally have a little pain in it. My stoma is working well, the stitches around it are healed and though I have the occasional leak, I’m kind if getting there with it. I still tire easily, doing normal every day tasks exhaust me and so I’m careful to allow myself rest and healing time still. Mentally I have good days and bad but it feels like there are more good ones! On the bad days I want to lie under the covers feeling sorry for myself, weeping and drowning my sorrows in tea. And so I do.

I allow myself to have shit days. Days where I just don’t have the spirit to smile through the day, days where Im tearful and fed up, where I am pissed off and angry. I think its important to let yourself release these feelings, that it helps with the healing process. You need to have the dark times so you can appreciate the bright ones. You know Im all about the positivity and so although I let myself have the pyjama days watching terrible tv and eating ice cream, I make sure that the next day I get up and do something that makes me feel good. I won’t let myself go down a spiral of feeling lower and lower.

Today is a good day, Im off to walk the dog this morning and then back into the office to get back to work!

If only I can stay awake through it…

Love Sam xx

Stoma and Ileostomy photoshoot

Swimming with a stoma

Joining the gym

I forgot about my bag!

Objectified or flattered?

Do you dare to go bare?

Update

How to survive a zombie apocalypse

Make your What Ifs happen every day

Sleep

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