After months of insomnia I’m thrilled to say that it is gone! That drug induced grind of being unable to sleep no matter how much I want to seems to have disappeared. The nights of being sat wide eyed and wired are in the past.
But my sleep patterns are still a bit crazy. I wake several times a night, sometimes to empty my bag and sometimes just to ‘check’ my bag for leaks. I don’t think I’m really getting into that deep sleep, every noise and every creak wakes me. I can get back to sleep fairly easily and quickly but on average I wake 5-6 times a night and I’m tirrrrrred man.
Today is my first day back at work. Luckily I work from home running our business with my husband. (Take a look at The Picture Foundry ) so the stress isn’t on too much but I REALLY wanted to get up and do the school run this morning and I slept through the alarm. Timm has been doing all the school runs for 7 weeks now and I do feel guilty. Now I’m kind of back on my feet I know I need to share the role again but it’s so hard when I feel so exhausted.
My sleep patterns are really skewed, I can’t complain because after months of just NOT sleeping and having to take sleeping tablets it’s a joy to be getting any sleep. But it does make getting back to normal life a bit tricky. Waking at 7am and getting up to sort the kids then driving them to school just seems like a bit of a mountain to climb after a restless night.
Being a mum of three I have obviously had my share of restless nights, but when it is night after night and I’m never feeling fully rested or like I’ve had a deep sleep it is hard work getting through the day! I can’t even remember how I did this when the kids were little and I was up with babies in the night!!
It’s been 6 weeks since my surgery now and I’m feeling really good. Physically my wound is totally healed, I occasionally have a little pain in it. My stoma is working well, the stitches around it are healed and though I have the occasional leak, I’m kind if getting there with it. I still tire easily, doing normal every day tasks exhaust me and so I’m careful to allow myself rest and healing time still. Mentally I have good days and bad but it feels like there are more good ones! On the bad days I want to lie under the covers feeling sorry for myself, weeping and drowning my sorrows in tea. And so I do.
I allow myself to have shit days. Days where I just don’t have the spirit to smile through the day, days where Im tearful and fed up, where I am pissed off and angry. I think its important to let yourself release these feelings, that it helps with the healing process. You need to have the dark times so you can appreciate the bright ones. You know Im all about the positivity and so although I let myself have the pyjama days watching terrible tv and eating ice cream, I make sure that the next day I get up and do something that makes me feel good. I won’t let myself go down a spiral of feeling lower and lower.
Today is a good day, Im off to walk the dog this morning and then back into the office to get back to work!
If only I can stay awake through it…
Love Sam xx