Let the haters hate

I get so many wonderful messages, emails, tweets and Facebook messages – every one means so much. I write this blog as a means of therapy for myself but when I get messages saying that it is helping others it just makes me feel so amazing.  It’s not been an easy ride and writing So Bad Ass reminds me daily of the importance of staying positive, of sharing my stories to raise awareness, talk honestly about my illness and stop poo being a taboo.

I love hearing other peoples stories and it makes my pain, hardships and the general shit I have to deal with from my illness, ileostomy and surgery kind of worth while. Like it has a meaning, you know?

So it was tough to read a recent message where the author wanted to let me know that I’m really not all that and to question who I thought I was.  There was mention of my weight, that I should know Im hardly a model (No shit Sherlock!)  This person believed that what I was talking about was gross and that no one wanted to read that shit.   (My 30,000 + views in the last six months beg to differ)

let the haters hate

For a second, I felt sick. I read and re-read the message feeling gutted. I couldn’t believe someone was being mean to me, I’m generally a kind person, what had I done to make this happen? Then I pulled on my big girl pants, shook my head, deleted the message and went back to my fairly awesome life! (The best revenge for haters is to just be FABULOUS!)

It’s easy to feel hurt by mean words but you know, haters are gonna hate, man. A valid argument, a debate, I thrive on those things but a little person sat behind their computer screen taking their time to write something spiteful? Nah, I’m alright for that.

The fact is that I put myself out there,I write openly about my life, speaking about things we don’t usually discuss, I dare to show photographs of myself with my unperfect body that has (gasp!) wobbly bits and (shock horror!!) scars…  I show confidence despite all this because Im a fucking warrior.  I guarantee that there is little anyone can throw at me that is tougher than having a chronic illness for ten years, surgery and living with an ileostomy.

ibd warrior inner strength confidence ostomy ileostomy bag

I debated whether to post about this, whether or not to give this bully airspace but I thought it was important to say that there will always be someone who dislikes you, especially if you put yourself out onto the internet to be judged, but those people are the sad ones, the folk who have so little else that they feel the need to put others down.

Let the haters hate and move forward with life with a smile…

And if all else fails, just pretend you are Beyonce.

beyonce single ladies

Love Sam xx

Pouch surgery after ileostomy – making the decision

I had my first surgery on 3rd September and that was a subtotal colectomy with ileostomy.

My options from that point are…

To keep the ileostomy permanently, this would mean one more surgery where they remove all my rectum and anus and sew everything up! (Barbie butt…)

To have a pouch made out of my small intestine that is attached to my butt so that I can then empty my bowels through my bum and not have an ileostomy any more. This is two more surgeries.

To wait. There is no immediate need to make the decision. I can wait till I’m entirely sure. They like you to make the decision within 3-5 years as the risk of cancer in the rectal stump (least attractive words ever…) increases after this point.

There are pros and cons to all options. I’m dealing with my bag well now, but I just don’t know whether I’m happy to have it forever. The surgery is so FINAL…

But the pouch surgery can be a difficult recovery. They say to give yourself a year to recover. The muscles in my arse haven’t worked for do long that it takes a while to re learn how to use them. The pouch is also quite small and so learning how to use it can take time.

There’s also the thought of two more surgeries which is pretty terrifying.

I’m scared of going back to hospital, I’m scared of being helpless again and I’m scared that the recovery will break me.

BUT I think I have made the decision.

I’m not ready to give up on my arse, as much as my bag is now easier to deal with I just don’t think I want to keep it forever without even trying the pouch surgery. So I’m going to see my consultant in a couple of weeks to let him know that I’d like to move forward.

My life is currently crazy busy, between our family photography business, family stuff, planning our wedding renewal, a summer working with our arts group Responsible Fishing around the UK and a million and one other things, I’m hoping that the surgery could take place after September when things should calm down a little!!

The decision is a big one and I’ve spent a long time deciding what I want to do as well as talking to my husband and a lot of people on forums around the net. Who knows if it’s the right one? If the pouch surgery didn’t work or just wasn’t the right option for me, I now know that I could deal with keeping my bag forever, but I think I’ll regret not trying to regain a more normal life and having the pouch.

I’ll post more after my hospital appointment!

Sam xxx

Tiredness and Ileostomies

One of the things Im struggling with at the moment is tiredness.  They tell you before and after your operation that you may need to empty your bag several times a day and a couple of times through the night, but at those times you have bigger fish to fry.  Now on the whole I am well, Im used to dealing with my ileostomy bag and life is slowly get back to normal.  Having to wake two to three times a night is really getting to me.  Im so tired.

I wake at least once a night, but usually two or three times a night to empty my bag, this disrupted sleep pattern is touch to deal with.  I never wake in the morning feeling rested and ready for the day.  My husband has been great and he is getting up with the kids and doing the school run, but I feel guilty about that.

ileostomy tiredness insomnia sleep problems

Im trying to resolve this as much as I can by not eating after 6pm and getting early nights.  The problem is that I have so much going on at the minute that my head is buzzing with all the things I need to do that no matter how early I go to bed, I just can’t drop off.  I run photography company The Picture Foundry and as anyone who runs their own business knows, there is ALWAYS work to be done, Im also planning our wedding renewal which is happening in September and as a little sneaky whisper… we are moving house this year too! Shhhhh!!!!  All this along with having three kids, a dog, two cats and two chickens, running my family, caring for my own health and planning my next surgery means my life is a little hectic right now!!

The months of broken sleep are creeping up on me now, I haven’t had a full nights sleep since probably June last year when I started on the steroids… Man, now I have worked that out, it is NO WONDER Im exhausted!!!!  Im actually shocked at that.  To be honest it was probably before June as my flare up was bad before they steroid treatment began.

I can’t do anything about the reason Im waking through the night, I don’t have a large bowel and so my body can’t store waste, I have to wake to empty my bag and this is never going to change.  So after some extensive googling, I have come up with a few things that Im going to try to get a better nights sleep.

TURN OFF THE TV, COMPUTER AND PHONE

I have a terrible habit of bringing the laptop to bed, where I will either surf the internet, watch netflix or get work done.  This is such a bad thing to do, it means I have no winding down time and all that staring at a screen is bad for sleep, the artificial light apparently suppresses melatonin which is the hormone that regulates sleep patterns.

I have also started putting my phone on aeroplane mode and putting it in my bedside table so the buzzing doesnt disturb me and Im not tempted to pick it up!

MAKE THE BEDROOM DARK

I read this in a book recently and so we have been covering any little blinky lights in our bedroom as well as covering the alarm clock and making sure the curtains are shut tight and there is as little external light as possible.  I have an eye mask that Timm and the kids got my whilst I was in hospital and so this is going to make a comeback!

owl eye mask

AVOID BIG MEALS LATE AT NIGHT

This is a biggie for me as the reason I wake is because my ileostomy bag is filling with waste overnight.  You are apparently meant to limit drinks in the evening too but due to me being susceptible to dehydration I don’t do this.

EXERCISE

Regular exercise really helps with sleep, so Im aiming to exercise at least three times a week, whether it is swimming, the gym, a class or just a long dog walk.

MAKE YOUR ROOM A NICE PLACE TO SLEEP

Im trying to make my bedroom a bit of a sanctuary, a peaceful and restful place.  This is not easy with three kids.  Im forever finding lego in my bed and Monster High dolls under my pillow.  There is usually a stack of paperwork on my bedside table along with business books and a stack of laundry to be put away in the corner.  My room is usually a bit of a mess as its the last thing on my list of priorities.  I need to make it a priority.

I read something that said ‘Make your bed a place for ONLY sex or sleep’ – this makes a  lot of sense!!!

RELAXATION

As soon as I lay in bed, I start thinking of all the things I need to do, and it sometimes feels endless.  I worry about money, work, kids, my health, my family… Basically everything!!

I need to accept that I have a lot on right now and so Im writing lists.  If its on my mind, it goes on a list and hopefully this will help my inability to drop off once Im in bed.

If anyone has any other tips on sleep and tiredness, I would love to hear them!

Thanks

Sam xx

Ulcerative Colitis – a gift?

Anyone who has seen or heard me writhing in agony, weeping with embarrassment or slumping in an exhausted heap may read this post with a wry smile on their face, but I wanted to write about how despite all its tough times, Ulcerative Colitis has also been a gift.

When I was first diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis back in 2003 I went through a whole grieving process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.  Once you have accepted the disease and the path it will lead you down, you realise that without it, you wouldn’t be the person you are today.  You realise that this disease has changed you, and on the whole, it has changed you for the better, you may be physically weaker, but the strength you have to find to deal with a chronic illness makes you a fuller, kinder and more open person.

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to romanticise Ulcerative Colitis or Crohns, it is a heavy cross to bear, there have been many times that I have cried till I had no tears left, that I took my anger out on those around me and that I shouted the immortal words of “WHY ME?! ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!”

But along with the hard times, the medication, the pain, the hospitalisation, the surgeries and the emotional war that rages within you during a flare up, having Ulcerative Colitis has also given me so much.  It has shown me that I am braver than I think I am, tough as an ox and that I have it in me to inspire others.

When I was a mother of three by the time I was 23 with no qualifications and then given what at the time felt like a life sentence of blood and shit, I never thought I would be at a point where my words were being read by thousands, that I would receive messages of support and cries for help from all over the world.  I never believed I would be asked to speak at International Women’s Day, little old me? Im just a girl from Sheffield who doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up!

ibd warrior inner strength confidence ostomy ileostomy bag

Ulcerative Colitis has lead me down a path of meeting people like me, who deal with this disease every day, who I can talk about the things that would turn most peoples stomachs and just make us laugh.

It has shown me that I am surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends.  When I was in hospital for surgery last year and in the months since, I have been completely overwhelmed by the compassion, kindness, humour, love and help of those around me.

It has made sure Im damn straight on the fact that life is precious.  You never know what you will face and my Ulcerative Colitis reminds me that you are here once and not for very long.  Live hard, live with love and follow your dreams.  Don’t waste time on the shit that means nothing, concentrate on what you want and how you can get there.  Hold your loved ones close and enjoy life.

It has made me take stock of what is important to me.  My husband, my children, my family, my friends, my self esteem, my morals.  It made me look at where I wanted to be and made me make it happen.  My husband and I sold up and moved to a big rented mill in the countryside to expand our photography business, The Picture Foundry, it was scary (still is!!) and hard work but making the move has improved our lives and brought us closer together, our business is thriving and moving forward all the time.  Ulcerative Colitis really moulded me into a person who is brave enough to make the changes I want in life.

It has stopped me being afraid.  Or at least made me work on my fears.  After having major surgery to have your bowel removed it makes you feel like you have faced the toughest times and so those things that frightened you before are no where NEAR as big or bad as the disease you live with.

It has taught me to respect and love my body.  Its the only one I have and despite its faults I need to look after it.  After all it has been through I think it is pretty amazing! Yes, it has a stoma and scars but I have learnt to embrace the changes and not be embarrassed of them.  Through weight gain from steroids, epic diarrhoea, being pumped full of drugs and being cut open, my body has stayed resilient and kept me going through it all.  I love my battered and scarred body.

sunbathing with an ileostomy stoma ostomy travel holidays bikini swimwear

Finally Ulcerative Colitis gave me the opportunity to slow down and release control.  When I am ill, when I had surgery, I needed to release the reins and allow myself to be weak, to be cared for and to let others in.  It made me realise that my husband is amazing, he cares for me in such a tender, honest and funny way.  He never judges, never wavers in his love or attraction for me and makes everything better.

Its good to be a strong person, to have self esteem and confidence, but now and then it is good to relax, to be cared for and treasured.  Im lucky to have such amazing people around me.

woman with stoma ileostomy ostomy stoma images

Im lucky to have had Ulcerative Colitis.

Sam x

A to Z of IBD

When I talk about IBD Im often faced with blank stares and so here is my A-Z guide to Inflammatory Bowel Disease… Please remember that I am not a trained medical person and these are my opinions only.  Always speak to your GP, doctor or nurse about any worries or concerns you have. xx

A is for Ass – IBD covers both Ulcerative Colitis and Crohns and is a disease of the digestive system, Ulcerative Colitis is a disease of the large intestine whilst Crohns affects anywhere from the mouth to the anus.  They cause diarrhoea and bleeding and so sufferers have to deal a lot with their ass (or arse if you’re from the UK) – My site name came from my nearest and dearest regularly asking me ‘how’s the ass?’ and my reply being ‘I’m so bad ass right now’

bad ass

B is for Bowels – Your bowels or intestine go from your stomach to the anus and consist of the small and large intestine, the small intestine begins at the duodenum, which receives food from the stomach, the duodenum transmits food to the ileum.  The large intestine consists of the colon and rectum.  The colon connects to the rectum, and finally the anus.  IBD can affect all the parts of the bowel and causes pain, cramps, bloody diarrhoea.

stomach intestine anus diagram

C is for Colectomy – A colectomy is the name of the surgery that I had in 2013 and consists of the surgical resection of any part of the large intestine.  I had a sub total colectomy which means they removed all of my colon apart from the rectum.

C is also for Colostomy – Most people have heard of a colostomy, which is a surgical procedure in which a stoma is formed by drawing the healthy end of the large intestine or colon through an incision in the abdomen and suturing it into place.  This allows waste to leave the body and be collected in a bag.

ulcerative colitis quotes

D is for Diarrhoea – not the nicest thing to talk about but one of the biggest symptoms of IBD.  Imagine that time you got horrific food poisoning or the worst stomach bug ever, you know that one time when you couldn’t control your bowels and it felt like an alien was about to burst forth from your stomach… Remember that? Yeah, thats what IBD diarrhoea is like.

E is for Endoscopy – Endoscopy plays a key role in the diagnosis, management, and surveillance of IBD. Because there is no single test that can diagnose IBD, endoscopy is useful in establishing the diagnosis, distinguishing Crohn’s disease from ulcerative colitis, defining the extent of the inflammation. In established IBD, endoscopy helps define the extent and severity of the disease which aids medical and surgical decisions.

Colonoscopies and sigmoidoscopies are commonplace, they are undignified, embarrassing and uncomfortable but as someone who has had so many of these procedures I can tell you that they’re not as bad as you may fear.  Sedation is offered and in my opinion should always be taken!  I also remind myself that the nurses and doctors do this everyday and there is nothing they haven’t seen before.

F is for Flare Up – people with IBD are not always sick constantly, they have periods of remission and illness.  These periods of being unwell are referred to as a Flare Up.  Flare ups can vary in strength and length of time and can’t be predicted.

ileostomy bag bikini swimwear beachwear holiday

G is for Gastroenterology – Gastroenterology is the specialty of diagnosing and treating diseases of the gastrointestinal tract and so these are the fellas who deal with us IBDers.  If you have IBD you will get to know your doctors and nurses very quickly.  If you do not feel that you are getting the right treatment, don’t be afraid to speak up.  I was under one team for years before I decided to change to another local hospital and a new team.  It was easy to do, all through my GP and I am so much happier with my treatment since then.

H is for Hospital – IBD is managed by a consultant and team of doctors meaning that sufferers spend a good chunk of their time attending hospital appointments.  Severe flare ups can require hospitalisation for more aggressive treatments and medication.  If the disease gets to the point of requiring surgery then hospital unfortunately can feel like your second home.

sam cleasby ulcerative colitis ibd ileostomy surgery

I is for IBS – IBD is not the same as IBS.  Not at all.  And it kinda pisses off IBD folk when people say “ohhh yeah my sister/brother/uncle/neighbour has IBS!!”

Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is classified as a functional gastrointestinal disorder, which means there is some type of disturbance in bowel function. It is not a disease, but rather a syndrome.  IBS does not produce the destructive inflammation found in IBD, so in many respects it is a less serious condition. It doesn’t result in permanent harm to the intestines, intestinal bleeding, or the harmful complications often occurring with IBD. People with IBS are not at higher risk for colon cancer, nor are they more likely to develop IBD or other gastrointestinal diseases. IBS seldom requires hospitalization, and treatment does not usually involve surgery or powerful medications, such as steroids or immunosuppressives.  This information is from the CCFA.

Im not belittling IBS, I know it causes great distress to those who suffer from it but it is very different to IBD and the two shouldn’t be confused.

I is also for Ileostomy – An ileostomy is a surgical opening constructed by bringing the end or loop of small intestine out onto the surface of the skin. Intestinal waste (shit) passes out of the ileostomy and is collected in an external bag that sticks to the skin.

woman with stoma ileostomy ostomy stoma images

J is for J Pouch – A J Pouch or Ileoanal Reservoir is a surgical treatment option for IBD patients who need to have their large intestine removed. It is an internal pouch formed of small intestine. This pouch provides a storage place for stool in the absence of the large intestine. Several times a day, stool is passed through the anus.  This is the next step for me and will mean I no longer have a stoma or ileostomy.

K is for Keep Calm and Carry On – because in reality, it is the only thing we can do.

keep calm and carry on

L is for Laughter – Now I know that this disease is serious business, it affects every part of your life and the pain and embarrassment can just feel too much so having L for Laughter may seem like an odd one.  But I really believe that laughter is the key to getting through the bad times.  The fact is that poo, bums and farting are a bit embarrassing for most of us, but they are also funny.  Seriously, toilet humour is hilarious and the quicker you can laugh and make a joke of something, the quicker it feels like less of a big deal.

M is for Medication – there are a variety of medications used to treat IBD, my experience has only been of Ulcerative Colitis meds but most have side effects and some people find the treatment as unbearable as the disease itself.   I believe that its really important to educate yourself on the medications and treatments available to you along with the benefits and side effects.  Take control of your disease and make sure the treatment path is the right one for you.

If your symptoms are mild you may not require specific treatment as mild ulcerative colitis often clears up within a few days.

Moderate ulcerative colitis is often treated using a medication called aminosalicylates. If this is not effective, alternatives such as corticosteroids (steroid medication) and immunosuppressants (medications that suppress the workings of your immune system) can be used.

Once your symptoms are under control it may be recommended you continue to take aminosalicylates as these can help prevent further flare-ups; this is known as maintenance therapy.

If you experience a severe flare-up you may need to be admitted to hospital where you can be given injections of corticosteroids or immunosuppressants.

There is also a relatively new type of medication called infliximab that can be used to treat severe ulcerative colitis where corticosteroids cannot be used for medical reasons.

This information comes from the NHS website.

stoma ileostomy photo shoot woman beauty ibd surgery ostomy

N is for the NHS – Only since my surgery have I realised just how lucky we are in the UK to have the NHS.  Though I had some difficulties (I changed hospitals and consultant once and had a bad nurse experience) I am a big fan of the NHS and feel so lucky to have had the level of care, treatment and support that I have received.  When I read about IBD patients in the US I am appalled at how their system works and realise the value of our countries medical care.

I can’t thank my doctors and nurses enough for the amazing care Ive had in the last year, they have truly saved my life and Im eternally grateful.

O is for Ostomy – The terms ostomy and stoma are general descriptive terms that are often used interchangeably though they have different meanings. An ostomy refers to the surgically created opening in the body for the discharge of body wastes. A stoma is the actual end of the ureter or small or large bowel that can be seen protruding through the abdominal wall.

end ileostomy ulcerative colitis

P is for Pain – Pain is a common side effect of IBD, abdominal cramps and pain as well as a literal pain in your ass.  Living with pain is really difficult and has such a negative impact on the lives of those with IBD.  It can become difficult to manage as sufferers should not take anti inflammatory drugs or Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, usually abbreviated to NSAIDs.  Other pain relief can also have an affect on the bowels and some are really addictive and should only be used short term.

P is also for Poo – in a post like this, how could it not be??

bristol stool chart cake

Q is for Quality of Life – This is a biggy for me, one of the main reasons that I wanted to go ahead with my colectomy surgery was because Ulcerative Colitis was really affecting my quality of life.  That is an understatement to be honest, my life with IBD was literally shit, it made me miserable.  I was exhausted both physically and mentally, I struggled to work, I dislike going places where I wasn’t near a toilet, my body was being wrecked by meds, I had little sex life, I was moody, angry with life and just felt hard done to.

I was pissed off that I had to live like that, it seemed so unfair.  Since my operation my quality of life has gone through the roof, though it is in no way an easy option it was definitely the right option for me.

R is for Rectum – Let me tell you about Phantom Rectums… Phantom rectum is a complication that can affect people with ileostomies. The condition is similar to a “phantom limb”, where people who have had a limb amputated feel that it is still there.  People with phantom rectum feel like they need to go to the toilet, even though they do not have a working rectum. This feeling can continue many years after surgery. Some people have found sitting on a toilet can help to relieve this feeling.

Weird, annoying but hilarious to tell people about!

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

S is for Support – Support is key to surviving IBD, from medical teams, friends, family and IBD groups.  It really is a shit disease to have to live with, and due to its taboo nature sufferers not only have to deal with the physical problems but also with the huge emotional toll it takes on your life.  Embarrassment, shame, humiliation, anger and a deep sadness are all emotions that Im at war with every day and it is only with the support of my husband, family and friends that I get though it.  My blog is a coping mechanism for me, if I can write it down and feel that Im helping someone else then it feels that the crap I deal with has a purpose.

Im also a member of the IA Support (Ileostomy and Internal pouch support) and I visit the Colitis and Crohns site regularly.   Whoever you choose to talk to, just talk to someone.  I guarantee you that it helps, I get many emails and messages through this site and always try to reply to and support anyone that I can. xxx

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

T is for Toilets – IBD sufferers are well acquainted with not only their own toilet but those of all friends, family and all public toilets in their surrounding area.  I can’t even imagine how much time I have spent on the pot in the last ten years, considering that during flare ups I could be going to the loo 20 + times a day.

As a side note, you can request from Radar a key to use disabled toilets around the UK as when you need to go, you need to GO… Having washing facilities by you is a life saver when you have IBD.  So next time you see someone who doesn’t look ‘disabled enough’ using the facilities, wind your neck in..

U is for Ulcerative Colitis – I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2003, it was a life changing moment and I struggled to deal with the idea of having an illness for a while.  UC is inflammation and ulceration of the large intestine or colon, it presents itself with bleeding, diarrhoea and pain.

ibd warrior inner strength confidence ostomy ileostomy bag

V is for Vegan, or Vegetarian or the raw diet, or the beige diet – There are a million and one people across the internet who claim to have the ‘cure’ for IBD through diet and pills.  The fact is that if you are suffering from IBD you should NEVER start any massive change to your diet without speaking to a doctor first.  Doctors do recommend a low residue diet during flare ups but please talk to an expert before trying to heal yourself with foods, drinks or any herbal remedies.

W is for Weight – IBD can really negatively affect weight, for many the disease stops the body absorbing nourishment which means drastic weight loss and those people really struggle to keep themselves at a healthy weight.  For others the meds and illness cause weight gain, puffiness and bloatedness.  Neither is healthy and neither make the person feel good.

X is for X ray –  Or Xylophone.  But I can’t think of a way to connect IBD to a xylophone so we will talk X rays.  X-rays form a  series of tests that may be done on people with IBD.  Sometimes using barium and at other times without, X-rays are used less these days as clearer tests are more commonplace.  I have had a couple of X-rays before to check for toxic mega colon, which is not a Muse song but an acute form of colonic distension where the colon becomes extremely swollen and massively enlarged.

stoma ileostomy photo shoot woman beauty

Y is for You – How IBD affects you comes down to how you choose to deal with it, it is bloody hard work to be ill and it can be depressing and make you angry, sad and broken.  But your courage and bravery of just getting through each day is something to be proud of, remember that.

Z is for Zzzzzz – Or sleep (give me a break, Z is hard!!!)  IBD can not only affect the amount of sleep you’re able to get but the quality of sleep as well.  Whether it is through medication, pain or getting up through the night with diarrhoea and bleeding, lack of sleep can cause all sorts of problems such as

  • Difficultly getting to sleep
  • Difficulty staying asleep
  • Problems with concentration
  • Headaches
  • Poor attention
  • Changes in mood
  • Fatigue throughout the day

Side effects from many medications that are given to an IBD patient can also cause sleep problems.  Steroids such as Prednisone can keep a person up all night.

Love Sam xx

International Women's day 2014

I was absolutely thrilled and blown away to be invited to be a speaker at Experience Barnsley’s International Women’s Day event on 8th March this year at Barnsley Town Hall.  It is £2.50 a ticket so if anyone fancies coming to hear me talk about bowels, shit and self esteem I would greatly appreciate the support!

international womens day 2014

 

Along with three other amazing speakers I will be doing a talk about my journey with IBD and how this and my ileostomy affect self esteem and body image.

Dr Lorna Warren is a lecturer at the University of Sheffield and is doing a talk on a project called Look at Me which has worked with women in Sheffield to explore representations of women and ageing in the media and to produce new images to challenge existing stereotypes.  An amazing project that you can see more about here.

Anne Fay is the head of education at Wallace Collection and her talk on The Beau Monde sounds fantastic.

Author and Lecturer Katie Edwards talk on religion and feminism is one Im really looking forward to.

It is an honour to share a stage with these women and though Im frankly terrified I am hoping to deliver a speech that will explain both the physical, emotional and mental affects of illness and surgery on female body image.  Ill be discussing how I dealt with the last ten years of ulcerative colitis and then my operation and how positivity has played a huge role in dealing with the emotional side of living with a stoma.

I talk about poo A LOT on this blog and the thought of talking shit to a room full of people is both amusing and scary.  In September when I lay in HDU at the Northern General in Sheffield covered in tubes, with my arms full of canulas and feeling so weak that I couldn’t lift my head, I never dreamed that six months later I would be standing in Barnsley Town Hall being a speaker for Yorkshire women.

Thanks so much for the support of all you people who regularly read my blog, Facebook and twitter.  Being part of International Women’s Day is an absolute dream come true and I just hope I do you all proud.

Thanks

 

Sam x

Johnny Cash – Quotes for Life

You know who was bad ass? Johnny Cash…

He is probably not the first person you think of when you are musing inspirational quotes, but here is why Johnny Cash is like a wise, wise buddha…

Johnny Cash quotes inspirational bad ass

“Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood”

Humans need touch, love and company.  If you find someone special in your life whether it is a partner, friend or general awesome chap, hold them close and cherish them

johnny cash quotes bad ass

This is a good one for us IBD warriors.  We got to be tough, we have to be stronger than the constant shit we deal with every day x

johnny cash quotes bad ass

“Its good to know who hates you and it is good to be hated by the right people”

Dude, someone is always going to hate… Those people, those haters, they aren’t the ones you want around you.

johnny cash quotes bad ass

“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine,
I keep my eyes wide open all the time,
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds,
Because you’re mine, I walk the line.I find it very, very easy to be true,
I find myself alone when each day’s through,
Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you,
Because you’re mine, I walk the line.As sure as night is dark and day is light,
I keep you on my mind both day and night,
And happiness I’ve known proves that it’s right,
Because you’re mine, I walk the line.

You’ve got a way to keep me on your side,
You give me cause for love that I can’t hide,
For you I know I’d even try to turn the tide,
Because you’re mine, I walk the line.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine,
I keep my eyes wide open all the time,
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds,
Because you’re mine, I walk the line.”

I couldn’t pick one line from this song as its all so perfect, one of my favourite love songs.  The right person by your side makes you want to be a better person, because you’re mine, I walk the line.
johnny cash quotes bad ass
“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.”
johnny cash quotes
“Life is rough so you gotta be tough”
johnny cash and june carter
“This morning, with her, drinking coffee” – Johnny Cash about June Carter when asked his description of paradise.
Sigghhhhhhhh <3
So when you are struggling in life, ask yourself one question…
what would johnny cash do
And if all else fails, laugh at this.
johnny cash high
Sam xx

Bride with an ileostomy bag

I have been married to my awesome husband Timm for ten years in May 2014, we married in Las Vegas with Elvis in gold lame, an amazing experience that was so fun and just right for us at the time.  We had two small kids and the pressures of planning a big white wedding got to us and so we packed up and eloped to have the most ridiculous, fantastic wedding we could think of!

viva las vegas wedding

viva las vegas wedding

We had an absolute ball and it was just right for us, but it was marred with sadness that some people who really mattered to us couldn’t make it.  So for our tenth wedding anniversary we decided to renew our vows, that is happening this September in a ceremony and reception that we can invite all our nearest and dearest to.

I am currently in the midst of planning the whole shebang, I am spending more time than is healthy on pinterest and just trying to plan the perfect wedding for us now, ten years older and wiser.  Im looking at beautiful venues, Ive asked my (NINE) bridesmaids if they will be part of our day, we are looking at food and music, themes and Im spending a LOT of time reading Rock n Roll Bride.

But Im also feeling worried.  Im thinking about how this will be a day where Timm and I are centre of attention and crazy scared about being a bride with an ileostomy bag.  I brazen it out most of the time and if you read my blog you know Im not against showing my bag off, it helps me to think Im helping raise awareness when I talk about my experiences with a stoma but sometimes it hits me hard.

As I look through hundreds of beautiful wedding dresses I look at the fronts to see if my ileostomy bag would be on show, I think about where waist bands will sit and whether they will cut across my bag, I wonder whether my forced cheer will hold out on me wearing a big white dress.  I think about the horrific consequences of a bag leak in a wedding frock!!!

I see all this gorgeous, silky, lacy wedding underwear and laugh wryly wondering if they do anything to fit around a stoma, then I get scared that I won’t be a ‘proper’ bride whilst sporting an ileostomy under my gown.  I wailed at Timm this morning that Im going to be a bride that smells of poo… He laughed his head off and reminded me that I never smell of poo and gave me a cuddle.

Im finding it hard to put into words how I feel about being a bride with a bag, of course I know it doesn’t make a difference, but I can’t help feeling a bit sad that I won’t be a ‘perfect’ bride.  Id love to be able to take the stoma off for a day, to have one day where Im not thinking about medical things.  I want my bridal handbag to be filled with pretty things and perhaps a drop of dutch courage, not stoma adhesive and barrier creams.  I don’t want to have to worry that if I drink champagne that my bag will get gassy and Id rather my wedding night didn’t involve a big plastic bag stuck to my stomach!

I sometimes worry that Timm shouldn’t have to deal with all this, that he should  have a wife who doesn’t carry bodily waste around with her.  And I suppose those feelings are coming to a head whilst planning our renewal.  I DO know that all these things are in my head, that in reality Im a super lucky woman who has a husband who loves her.  I also know that our wedding renewal is about love.  Its a celebration of our relationship, our joy, our devotion to one another.  Its nothing to do with being perfect, anyone who has been together fifteen years knows their partner isn’t perfect, because we are all deliciously and uniquely flawed, its what makes us who we are.

Timm said to me this morning “I think you are beautiful at your very worst, at your best you have me in tears”

And thats why Im marrying him.  Again.

Love Sam xx