To make up or not to make up

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I sometimes find make up an odd thing, it’s the social expectation that women will wear make up that I find a little weird. Men have no such pressure to daily paint their faces yet for many women, they wouldn’t leave the house without wearing at least some sort of cosmetics.

I don’t wear make up day to day but I wouldn’t go for an evening out with a bare face. And having no idea why got me thinking. The feminist part of me feels like it’s totally unnecessary, that wearing lipstick that is supposed to make my mouth look more enticing is ridiculous, or putting on fake eyelashes that supposedly make my eyes wider and more attractive is a joke.

But the reality is that I don’t wear make up FOR other people. I wear make up partly as a security blanket, a safety net of habit. My mother wears little make up but my earliest memories are of her dressing table filled with these lotions, potions and paints that seemed to hold the mysteries of being a woman.

I also feel that on a night out I want to transform myself from daytime work Sam and mum to party loving Sam. It’s the reason I wear different clothes on a night out than to what Id wear for work or home. That transformation makes me feel more confident.

I hadn’t really thought too much about the reasons why I wear make up before. I suppose I just thought it made me look better. But on Saturday night after an evening out I was taking my slap off, and for some reason just removed half.

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I was really surprised by the results, I found I was no happier with my made up face than my natural face and it got me thinking about why I wear it and if it matters.

Like many women, I have a make up bag filled with foundation, powder, mascara and all manner of powders and pastes. But why? It is for me but I suppose it’s also about wanting to project a certain image out into the world. Does that sound shallow? In writing this I feel I may sound vain, that I should be entirely happy with my looks and not feel the need to wear a mask. But isn’t most of our image some sort of mask?

Makeup can be a form of self-expression and a way to show your personality and character. And if it makes you feel better then what is the problem? The sexist assumption that women only wear make up for male attention is unhelpful. As is the idea that without makeup we feel unattractive. The reality is that through make up, clothes and hair I want to express myself in a way that shows who I am and then have others see that form of self-expression.

Shallow or not our image is the outward, immediate way we tell people who we are. It’s said you judge a person when you meet them within 10 seconds, that first impression means so much. And perhaps that is why I don’t feel the need to wear any make up and wear joggers and a vest in the house because the people I see already know and love me, they don’t judge me on my external appearance. Whereas out of the house in a work or social environment I know I will be meeting people and want to put across a certain image.

Whether that is in a meeting where I want to show my professionalism, personality and that I’m a mother f**king adult. Or at a party where I want my fun, giddy and party side to come out. It’s all a mask, a costume, an external show of my internal personality.

So to make up or not to make up? Tell me what you think!

Love Sam xx

Genetic study – US patients needed

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I got an email from 23andme who are doing a huge study on the genetics of ulcerative colitis and crohns. Read this from their website.

“At 23andMe, we believe genetic data plays a critical role in research. Knowing more about how genetics relate to a disease can provide additional information on how people might respond to treatments, which may eventually lead to a cure.

Today, there are very few medications for IBD. Maintaining the quality of daily life can be a challenge. It is not known which medications will be effective on individuals and some IBD medications stop working over time. There is very little those diagnosed with IBD can do and often times, surgery becomes the only solution available.

We believe DNA may play a critical role in IBD treatment. Genetics has started playing a larger role in medicine over the past few years. And genetics could provide insight as to why some people are more likely to get IBD and why people respond differently to treatment options and drugs.

No one can promise a cure or a treatment, but we promise to be transparent in our research efforts and to empower other researchers and scientists with IBD genetic data in a time when resources and funding can be scarce.

We believe your genetic data can be used for good.”

They are asking for participants to provide a DNA mouth swab along with an online questionnaire. In return you will be part of a massive study that could help future patients with IBD and they give you a full genetic ancestry data of your own!

Unfortunately it’s only open to US patients, sorry to my other readers around the world!!

For more information or to enrol, go to their website.

To be eligible…
You’ve been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis by a qualified physician.
You’re willing to submit a saliva sample for DNA testing and complete online surveys related to your condition.
You have access to the internet.
You are at least 6 years old (minors under 18 require parental consent to enroll).
You are not a 23andMe customer.
You reside in the United States.

Love Sam x

Human Salt Lick…

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I came across what looks like the most hipster item I have ever seen… A human salt lick.

Now I know this looks mental, the site says “Himalayan pink salt releases negative ions, balancing cellular metabolism to increase immune system health.” I have to say that seems a little bit pseudoscience to me yet I’m still quite interested.

You see, without a large intestine, my body doesn’t absorb salt very well. I’m recommended to increase my salt intake quite a lot. The following advice comes from Ostomy Lifestyle.

“Salt is important for nerve and muscle function and is found naturally in most food and drink. There are risks associated with both having too much and too little salt in our diets. Too much salt can lead to high blood pressure, which can make you more likely to develop heart disease, or have a stroke, while too little salt can cause headaches, cramps and fatigue. While there is some evidence that people with ileostomies can lose between 35-90mmol of sodium per day (equivalent to up to a teaspoon of table salt) because this would normally be absorbed in the large intestine, each person with an ileostomy will differ in terms of the amount they lose.”

They do also say that there is conflicting evidence over the long term need for additional salt as some people believe that the body learns to compensate.

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I do wonder whether I need to increase my salt intake because sometimes I definitely struggle with headaches and fatigue. As with all health matters you should always check things out with your doctor but I think I may consider getting myself a salt lick!

What do you think?

Love Sam x

All photos courtesy of http://www.humansaltlick.com

About to get your A-level results? Oh the places you'll go!

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Oh lovely teenagers, you are on the cusp of finding out your A-level results and I’m sure you are babbing yourselves. Feeling that you could have worked harder, revised a little more, gone out a little less?

Tomorrow you will be officially finishing school for good. The end of 13 years of education, some of you are off to university or going out into the world of work. You are entering the scary world of grown ups. Let me tell you a little secret though, all those whirling, terrifying feelings that you aren’t ready to be a grown up? We all feel like that sometimes!

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Please remember that these results aren’t the be all and end all, they may shape the path you take over the next few years but baby, there are many paths. Some of you may be lucky enough to have a set vision, your path is a straight road with the career and life you’ve always hoped for shining at the end like a beacon.

Most of you will have winding paths, sometimes they come to a dead end and you’ll have to back track and find another road. Some of you will hop from path to path, trying lots of lanes before finding your own. And some of you will look at all the paths and think “fuck, none of these are right for me at all!” Panic not, because you all have the ability to create you own path in life.

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Don’t let anyone tell you that your dreams are silly, or that you can’t do it. Work hard, be passionate and get out there looking for opportunities. You want to run away with the circus?! Do it! Do it now! You want to be a doctor but no one in your family has ever even seen the inside of university? If you have the intelligence and the grades, you can find a way to fight for it.

Without going all cliche on you, you only live once. We are here for such a brief time and at your age, with the world at your feet, now is the time to follow your heart, strive to be the thing that you dream to be, have fun, make adventures and get out there and live.

Worry not that you can only have one path, as long as you are passionate about your own life, you will succeed and be happy. I had my first child at 19, it meant I couldn’t go to university or travel the world. I stayed home, got married and raised three wonderful children. And now they are older, I am getting my chance to change my life. I’m doing a writing course, I run a business with my husband and I’m just starting a new business with my friend Violet Fenn (all very secret right now though!!)

Someone else who has had a varied path in life is my friend Curtis Woodhouse. A lad from a small coastal town who dreamed big and made it as a professional football player. When he surprised the world and retired, he decided he wanted to be a professional boxer. He was mocked and laughed at, but you know what? He worked his arse off and this year became the Light Welterweight British Champion! Screw you careers advisor!!!!

So good luck to you, I hope you get the grades you are hoping for. But whatever your results, well done! Good work on getting through your childhood and welcome to being an adult!

It’s scary, it sucks sometimes but with passion, good friends, hard work and a sense of humour you will go far.

I’ll end with my favourite story of Dr Seuss, Oh the places you’ll go! It’s a long one, but well worth the read.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’ t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Love Sam xx

100,000 thank yous

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I’m a little teary and overwhelmed writing this post, you see a year ago I started this blog as a cathartic way of me to talk about my illness and treatment and over the last 12 months it has become more popular than I could ever dream.

Today I reached 100,000 views of So Bad Ass. I know compared to some of the big blogs that number may be small fry, but for me it is amazing. I’m blown away that my words have been read so many times. The level of support I’ve received is just unbelievable and through the thousands of emails and messages I have had from people either offering or asking for support and advice is phenomenal.

I am so proud of my little blog and i hope I have helped others and made a tiny difference to you all.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, 100,000 times thank you!

Here’s to the next 100K!! Please keep reading, sharing, commenting and getting in touch.

Love Sam xxxx

Good news!

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I’ve been to see my lovely consultant Mr Brown today and all is good! I have a huge grin on my face because currently my pouch is working brilliantly, my next check up will be in May 2015 and there is talk of discharging me… I have been under a consultant since 2004!!!

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I am 12 weeks post j pouch surgery and I’m going to the loo about 4-5 times a day (which is awesome in case you were wondering!), I know that may sound a lot for a normal person but for a pouchee it is pretty damn good. I have little urgency and can hold it in when I need to go to the toilet. And I’m having no accidents at all! I’m eating pretty much what I want with a few exceptions.

I still have times of massive fatigue, especially if I allow myself to get dehydrated which is really easy to do these days as I have no colon. But as long as I keep my fluid and salt intake up, I’m doing really well. It feels amazing as since the operation I have had many many times where I questioned why I had done it.

Life seemed so much tougher than with my ileostomy and I thought I’d made a massive mistake. But since my last admission to hospital and the big dose of antibiotics, everything has improved hugely! I know life will never be ‘normal’ again, but currently all is good in the world and I couldn’t be more relieved.

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So today I am feeling blessed and happy. Thank you Mr Brown for making my life so much better.

Love Sam x

Thank you to the very awesome RoofTopsNYC for my brilliantly Love is Love tshirt xxx

Talking to children about their weight

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We all want the very best for our kids, we want them to be happy and healthy. But what about if you have a child who gains weight easily? How do you best broach the subject without making their weight an issue?

One of my three kids gains weight easily, all three eat the same things and live similar lives yet two of them are beanpoles who don’t have an ounce of body fat and one is bigger and puts on weight quickly and easily. I’ve googled and asked around and can’t find an answer to how to deal with this.

I don’t want weight to become something they think about but equally I don’t want them to be overweight and have to deal with all the issues that surround being overweight, both health wise and socially. As part of my blog I am all about loving your body whatever size you are, but I do feel it’s my job as a mum to make sure that while their eating and exercise habits are under my control that they are as healthy as possible.

But the line is a difficult one to tread. I want my children to love themselves, to be happy, healthy and live good lives. And as hypocritical as this may seem coming from an overweight woman, I don’t want them to have weight issues. So how do you talk about weight without making it an emotional and mental issue?

We have tried talking in general terms about health. About eating healthy, colourful and tasty foods and limiting sweeties. We have talked about how we need energy to move around and be fit and that if we take on more energy than we burn that it is turned to fat stores. But this hasn’t sunk in to a child who will eat half a packet of biscuits when I’m not looking. Or the child who only wants to sit and watch tv and play on a DS. A child who is classed as overweight.

Tonight it came to a head after my child ate a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to himself. I had said they could have a little bit each which two of them did, the third ate the rest and when I saw the tub had all gone, I admit I was annoyed and the awful words came out of my mouth “this is why you’re getting fat”

The child’s face crumpled and I felt like shit. I sat and cuddled and told them I loved them more than anything. That they were beautiful and awesome and I thought they were fantastic. I said that I was sorry if I’d made them feel bad and that my intention was only to make sure they grew up healthy. I feel terrible. I feel like I have scarred my child and given him a weight issue.

Am I a total hypocrite to write about loving the body you are in whilst not wanting my kids to be overweight?!

The reality is that being overweight isn’t healthy, it causes health and social problems and I would rather my children not have to deal with those things through their lives. If there is a way to ensure they are the fittest they can be then that is what I want. But am I causing problems by bringing it up?

We talked tonight about how everyone needs to eat yummy healthy food and that exercise is about doing the fun things you enjoy and getting moving. We talked about starting swimming again weekly, something we stopped with my surgery and we made a plan that we would walk the dog together every day and it would be ‘our thing’.

You see some children who are very overweight and I wonder whether parents need to be a little harder on diet and exercise. Is it mean to discuss the child’s weight and risk them feeling sad, or is it worse to say nothing and allow them to gain weight?

After my almighty gaff, my child and I had a chat and lots of hugs. I used lots of positive words and we talked about all the fabulous qualities. Then tonight my kid came in and said “mum I’ve made a plan!” I was shown a list of all the fun things that could be done instead of sitting on a DS ( which we agreed should be limited to one hour a day) including den building, walking the dog, playing with lego, swimming and writing stories. There was also a discussion on what healthy meals we could all eat together. I’m hoping that our chat has made a positive impact and that my awful comment can be forgotten.

So dear readers, have I screwed up my amazingly awesome son by using the f word?

Do you agree that we are responsible for our children’s weight? Or should we allow our kids to settle at their own desired weight?

Is discussing weight going to cause problems with self esteem and confidence?

Please comment and let me know what you think because I am at a total loss and feel like the worst mum ever. I’m so confused as to the best way to deal with this situation and would appreciate any advice or comments.

I’m aware this is an emotional and contentious issue and hope I haven’t offended anyone as that was never my goal. Equally please be kind and know that though I have messed up tonight, I’m just a mum trying to do her best.

Love Sam x

The wedding dress saga

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In September this year, my husband Timm and I are renewing our wedding vows after being married for ten years and together for sixteen years! We married in May 2004 in Las Vegas, we had originally planned a big white wedding at home, but the stress of everyone else trying to dictate our day just got too much and so we eloped and were married by the king…

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It was such a fantastic day, we married at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel, I wore a red and white floral dress and in the evening we ate at the Stratosphere in their revolving restaurant . It was pretty much perfect.

We decided to renew our vows a couple of years ago. Partly because we have just changed so much in ten years, partly because we wanted to share it all with our friends and family and partly because we wanted a big party! Then after the past year of illness, surgery and recovery, our wedding renewal has become such a big thing, it’s the thing that’s kept me going through bad times and given me something to look forward to.

The first thing I thought about was my wedding dress. As I didn’t wear one the first time round I was adamant that this time I wanted a ‘proper’ gown. When I looked at dresses I realised that the ones I liked were around £1,000 and I knew I couldn’t spend that much money. After not working for our business for long periods of time whilst recovering I just can’t warrant spending that much money on a dress I’ll wear once. We have three kids and a business to run, it just doesn’t seem right.

Then I saw dresses from China on eBay at a massive reduction. The dress I fell in love with was just £90. Now I always think if something seems too good to be true then it probably is. But asking around a lot of people said they knew people who’d had dresses from China and they were fantastic. So I risked it and sent my measurements along with £90 through PayPal to an eBay seller.

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I received an email saying they’d got my measurements and payment and the my dress would be with me by 26th July. Shortly after, I got an email from eBay saying the item had been removed but if I had paid then I would still receive the dress. I was panicked but they assured me I would still get it.

I then saw that the seller had been removed!!! Again eBay said that the item should still come and nothing could be done till after the date of delivery had passed. So I crossed my fingers and toes and waited…

My dress hasn’t come.

I’m now five weeks away from the wedding and have no dress. I cried a lot yesterday, that may seem daft as I know it’s only a dress but I’d set my hopes on it and had these dreams of walking down the aisle in it. The last year has been so hard, two major surgeries and a body full of scars mean that though I fight hard to remain positive, sometimes my body makes me sad. It looks so war beaten, so battered and forlorn.

I thought in wearing this dress, that for the first time in a long time I would feel really beautiful. I thought people will look at me and see a bride, not a patient. They won’t think about scars and ileostomy bags, no one will be thinking ‘there goes the lady who talks about poop’. I know this is silly. A dress is a dress. But I had pinned all these hopes and dreams onto this dress and now it’s not here.

I wanted something special for Timm. He has been my carer for so long and in the last year he has seen me at rock bottom, he’s watched me as a broken woman, full of scars and wounds. He’s had to wash me and carry me, he has cleaned me when I’ve had accidents and literally supported me on the toilet when I was too weak. I wanted him to see me and for none of that to be in his mind. Does this sound silly? I wanted him to be blown away when he saw me, for me to look nothing like the sad crying woman he had to push in a wheelchair. I wanted to look like a bride.

I now don’t have enough time to get a dress from a bridal shop even if I had the money. I’m limited by budget and time to high street off the peg dresses or second hand. I’m sure I’ll find something but I can’t help but feel really sad. My friends have rallied and today we are off shopping to see what I can find.

I need to remember that this wedding is about how much Timm and I love each other. A dress won’t change that and after all we have been through, this is but a tiny blip. Our wedding will be a fantastic day because we will be there together.

I’ll remember that and repeat it to myself all day.

Love Sam x

*UPDATE*

I opened a resolution case with eBay, after 8 days the seller hadn’t responded so I escalated the case.

I just received an email from eBay saying they have closed the case and I won’t be getting a refund.

WTF? I’m gutted.

This is the confirmation I got from the seller…

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Then I got this from eBay…

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This is the one I got today, no explanation!!!

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If anyone can help or advise I’d be very grateful 😥

Young women, you are beautiful

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Young women, teenage girls, tweens, can I just take moment to tell you how beautiful you are?

Yes you, I’m talking to you, the one who says you don’t like your nose, or that your thighs are too big, your tummy too round or you have spots on your face.

You who thinks you aren’t good enough because you don’t look like the girls on tv.

You who look like the girls on tv but still deep inside feel a sadness that you aren’t enough.

All of you, this is for you.

You are beautiful and amazing young women. Society may tell you different but please remember that the only point of advertising is to make you feel that you aren’t good enough. For how on earth would they sell their latest product if you thought you were wonderful?

beautiful girls self esteem confidence

Not enough people will say this to you in your life because it’s not the done thing. But ladies, you are awesome. What a wonderful, unique and fantastic human being you are! To quote a certain Dr Seuss, “Ohhh the places you’ll go”

I want you to take a moment and look in the mirror. Look past what size your waist is, or whether you have blemishes on your skin, look past the style of your hair and your choice of clothes and say “I am amazing”

It feels wrong in some way doesn’t it? So immodest and not the done thing. But you know, your life will be easier if you can learn to love who you are. To accept your shape and face because baby, it’s what is inside that matters and goodness, kindness, loyalty, weirdness, love, joy and confidence shine through whatever you look like.

The most beautiful person in a room is one who is confident and happy. It’s not about being the centre of attention, more about a calm and happy acceptance of who you are.

teaching teenage girls self esteem and body confidence

So keep trying, shake off the cringe and take a long hard look at yourself and tell yourself your good points. Now don’t say you don’t have any… Yes, I can read your mind! Ok, Ill go first…

I like my legs, they are shapely and long. I adore the love heart shaped birth mark on the sole of my foot. I think I have sparkly, happy eyes. I am a great mum, an honest and loyal friend and an awesome wife. I’m a good writer and I work hard to spread a little bit of cheer in the world.

Does that all sound big headed? Well tough! I give myself positive reinforcement and think about the things I like about myself. Because though I have parts of my body I’m not wild about and parts of my character that could definitely be improved upon, what good will it do me to be always thinking about my bad points? Looking for the positive puts me in a better mood and makes me feel more positive.

teenage girls self esteem body image love yourself

 

Ladies you are growing up in an age where the pressure to look a certain way has never been higher. I feel for you as you are worrying about your looks at a younger and younger age and it scares me. Please listen to my little voice, I know I am but a whisper against the fashion and beauty industries that pump billions into making you feel like shit, but my voice is honest and true.

Young women, you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are.

Love Sam x

 

All photography courtesy of the wonderfully talented Timm Cleasby of The Picture Foundry