No confirmation as yet through my blood tests if my inflammation markers are up and obviously I’ve not had the camera test yet but man, I’m feeling pretty dreadful. I’m on the loo 10-20 times a day and I’m so drained and exhausted.
Just so it’s clear, I haven’t been admitted to hospital, I had a few messages worrying that I was inside again. I’m being treated as an outpatient but my doctor is pushing it through as an urgent case and so fingers crossed it will be sorted soon.
I think the tiredness is the worst part. I’m up several times a night and so I’m so exhausted. I also feel like this is a big step backwards in my recovery, mentally I’m feeling a little battered. I’m trying to push through physically and emotionally but to be honest I feel pretty damn rough.
The thing that floods back as soon as I start to feel ill is guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but my illness is such a burden on those around me and I fear the day that everyone has had enough. I worry my friends and family will get sick of me being sick.
I know the feeling as I have had enough of it. Because that’s the other feeling. Self pity. Such an ugly feeling and one I generally despise but right now I feel sorry for myself. Poor me, poor my arse…
Sorry this post is such a bummer. I actually do know that I’m a lucky cow and have loads of lovely things in my life. I’m still on a high from our amazing wedding renewal and we have a honeymoon booked! An actual honeymoon with just me and Timm, no kids, no work! So I need to concentrate on getting better because in three weeks come hell or high water, I WILL be off to Lanzarote with my boy!
I think the emotional and mental side of living with a chronic illness is often overlooked. On the outside I may have painted my face with makeup and a smile, but inside it is a struggle. Logically I know I need to just buckle down and get through this dip in my recovery. I need to count my blessings and try and find the positives in life. And I do that. But sometimes you just need to lay in a dark room under a duvet and cry like a baby. Perhaps today is one of those days.
I’ll leave you with a laugh with this photo that my mother put on Facebook past night of my hen night… I thought Id escaped without any reaaaallllly embarrassing photos but it seems she was saving them up for now!!! Here’s me looking more than slightly squiffy…
Love Sam x