im not sorry apologising too much

I’m not sorry

My name is Sam Cleasby and I am not sorry.

I apologise constantly, I say sorry to people who bump into me in the street, I say “sorry to bother you” to people who serve me in shops, I apologise to the postman if I don’t get to the door immediately.  If I am offended by someones behaviour, I end up apologising for being over sensitive.  I even said sorry to the dog this morning.

I spend a large amount of my days saying sorry for things that I have no need to apologise for and that needs to stop.  I think it is a throwback to a Catholic upbringing filled with guilt or perhaps that I hate for people to dislike me, though I am learning to deal with it, I don’t like conflict, I have a fear of making others angry.

 

I grew up feeling quite insecure, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, worried that I wasn’t enough and maybe I always felt I have to apologise for my mere existence. So I say sorry.  A lot.

apologising too much

I hate that I apologise so much but it has become a kind of verbal tic, it comes out of my mouth before I even realise it.  It’s funny as I am a reasonably confident person yet the part of me that doesn’t feel enough comes sneaking out all too often.  And it’s not just me, according to a YouGov study a third of British people feel they apologise too much.

Saying sorry when you are in the wrong is the right thing to do and I am all about good manners but when you over apologise, it can give others the impression that you are not confident, are weak and easy to walk over.  Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist and the author of The Power of the Apology talks about how over-apologising can send a message that you’re ineffectual and have low self-esteem, she says “It can give a certain kind of person permission to treat you poorly, or even abuse you.”

 

I strongly believe that when you are in the wrong, an acceptance of your fault and a true, heartfelt apology goes a long, long way.  I have a real problem with people who don’t accept responsibility in their lives, those who think the world owes them a favour, I grew up with people like that, those whose favourite words are “it’s alright for you”.  People who no matter what, believe they are in the right.  And those people suck.  This isn’t about never saying sorry, just only saying sorry when we really are!

I am making a stand for myself and I am going to stop being such a walk over, I have always let things slide or apologised even when I am not in the wrong and I have had enough.  I am done with the people who treat me badly, done with saying sorry when I have done nothing wrong.  The next time someone bumps into me in the street I will not say sorry.  The next time someone upsets me, I won’t apologise for my feelings.

I have been through so much in the past few years with my health that I realise I need to start to care more about myself.  I need to put me first a lot more, I need to cut those who have hurt me, who don’t care about me, out of my life and I need to not say sorry for just being myself.  What my illness has taught me is that life is short, you don’t know how long you have on this Earth and so we need to live every moment to the fullest.  That means celebrating your time with people who bring love, joy and happiness into your life and not apologising for your existence.

My name is Sam Cleasby and I am not sorry.

8 replies
  1. Nat Nat
    Nat Nat says:

    I’m exactly the same but I don’t think being brought up as catholic plays any part, I think you were brought up respectful of others with good manners and you are a very emotional , caring, thoughtful person.
    You’re GREAT Sam xxx

    Reply
  2. Suzanne Wheeler
    Suzanne Wheeler says:

    Dear Sam

    I totally agree with you and as I read your post I found I what I was reading was also the sort of person I had become. I am always apologising for no reason. I find myself babling on in shops to shop assistants or any stranger like a mad women because I am nervous but also trying so hard to be liked and accepted which also I should stop. Like yourself I have been through a lot and we should be proud and life is too short to care whether people like us or not as we are who we are and if people don’t like it or dislike us for that then they are jealous or just not worth knowing.

    I am older than you Sam or though I like feel I am very young at heart at 59. I started to read your post about younger people not attending seminars as they feel that any bowel problem is a an old persons illness and when I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and told I would have to wear a pouch all my life made me feel as if it was the end of my life as a women. I immediately started at looking at underwear I could wear and all everything I still could do. I was lucky it could be reversed but I still have a lot of trouble and pain and spend hours on the toilet wondering if a pouch or bag would have been a better option or not?

    I would like to see more young people men and women attending seminars as this makes even someone of my age not feel it is the end.

    Please keep up the good work Sam and no more apologising as you are doing so much hard work and helping so many people of all ages. Hold your head high!!

    Sue x

    Reply
  3. Jenny | Jenny on a Plate
    Jenny | Jenny on a Plate says:

    Great post! I completely identify with all that you’ve said here (apart from the Catholic upbringing). I also apologise all the time and it matters so much to me to be accepted by others, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and I’ve come to realise that it can just be SO exhausting trying so hard to please people all the time. It can just be so hard to change the habit of a lifetime, but it’s something I really want to do – just continue to be a good person but also just relax in my own skin and not try so hard to keep others happy at all costs! x

    Reply
  4. Jess
    Jess says:

    I do this too! I tell EVERYONE I’m sorry – for the dumbest reasons (and sometimes no reason at all, really.)

    My husband is the exact opposite – my constant apologizing drives him crazy! It’s such a problem that he has actually told people that I’m not sorry and that they need to apologize to me (usually when someone has bumped into me and it was OBVIOUSLY not my fault.)

    I know that I have this problem. I do try not to say “I’m sorry” so often anymore when I shouldn’t. And, I think, I’m getting better. Maybe one day soon my husband will stop having to stick up for me lol

    So good luck to you (and to me)! 🙂

    Reply

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