I have taken the leap

After quite a few months of just not feeling myself, I have taken the leap and made an appointment with my GP to discuss my emotional health. And man, it was scary. 

I always think I’m quite tough. Not much scares me any more as I have been through hell, so what else could frighten me?  I’ve been cut open, had bits removed, added, joined up. I’m scarred beyond belief and have an ostomy bag. This wasn’t my plan for the first half of my 30s but it’s happened and I’ve come through it. 

But it turns out that discussing my mental health is fucking terrifying. 

Since this last op, I’ve just not felt myself.  I’m anxious and weepy, I feel ever so sad sometimes. I feel myself building bigger and bigger barriers between myself and my friends and family and something has to change. 

Guilt is at the heart of a lot of this. I feel guilty for being ill, I feel guilty for not being enough for others.  I feel guilty that I’m not coping very well. 

I just feel like the past few years have been one thing after another and I’ve had to just react to each of these things. I haven’t had time to actually process them.  And now it’s all catching up on me. 

I can bear my physical scars, show them to the world. But my emotional ones hold a lot more fear in them. 

  
My scars show my battles with IBD.  My emotional scars are the wounds of my heart, my pride, my soul.  

They hurt just as much as the physical wounds and I need to give myself time and opportunity to heal my head as much as my body. 

So here I am. Taking a leap. Allowing my hurt to be spoken of. 

I’m Sam and I need help. 

And I am going to gift myself the time and space to seek help and feel myself again. 
Xxx 

11 replies
  1. Jennie Carter
    Jennie Carter says:

    And Sam, I’m sure your friends will agree, you are “enough”. You are brave and giving, and you need a break. Your emotional health is at least as important as your physical health, and you are doing the right thing, taking care of yourself. xx

    Reply
  2. Stephen Dryden
    Stephen Dryden says:

    Good for you Sam. I saw someone last year when I needed help. Being disabled herself she specialised in people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. Really glad I did it! Hope you find someone you’re comfortable talking to and don’t be afraid to see someone else if you dont think it’s working for you!

    Reply
  3. Maureen
    Maureen says:

    Sam, I really admire your courage. You’re doing some tough work but you’ll be a better person for it. Been there and still digging deep myself.

    Reply
  4. Kirsty
    Kirsty says:

    Well done on taking the first step on the road to recovery. Its a difficult one that takes time, but you will get there. Xx

    Reply
  5. Angela Turner
    Angela Turner says:

    It’s so hard to take the first step in admitting you are suffering – even to yourself – but you’ve done it. It won’t be easy and there’ll be times you’ll just want to curl up but you’re not on your own. Recommend you give the book Mindfulness by Prof Mark Williams and Danny Penman a read.

    Reply
  6. Charly
    Charly says:

    Sam this is incredible! Thank you so much for sharing it can be so hard to take that step. Putting it out there for the world can be terrifying. Every time I write I feel a bit scared about how people see me but I end up finding someone has felt this too. I’ve been doing the #SeeMySelfie and I’ve seen yours too, your candour and bravery is inspiring. Taking care of your emotional health is scary because it can feel like admitting you are failing, you aren’t you are admitting you are human, needing help isn’t a weakness, being able to ask for it is a strength. As for the guilt I feel you on that guilt was the main thing that powered my anxiety. I write a lot about mental health, I’ll leave my blog below. If you ever need someone outside of your life to talk to please get in touch.

    Reply
  7. Suzie
    Suzie says:

    Big hugs! Heartwarming to hear you leaping and sharing. Do not be embarrassed, do not be afraid, be brave and be proud of who you are and how far you’ve come and give yourself the self love you deserve! X

    Reply

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