I did something stupid. But worthwhile

So today I did something stupid.

After work I decided to take the dogs out and go sledging! It’s not a good idea for me at the minute!! I am waiting for hernia surgery and my fatigue is out of hand.

But as I sat looking out of the window at the snow, knowing my husband and kid were out having fun, I just felt really sad that I was indoors. I thought about how in two weeks I’ll be having surgery and then for weeks after I won’t be able to do much, I thought about how it feels to not be able to go out and have fun and I thought ‘FUCK IT!’

Sometimes we have to make decisions to take risks, to do things that aren’t the wisest, to live in the present and have fun.

I wrapped up and went out and I screamed my way down snowy hills laughing till I cried, I went head first feeling like I was in the olympics, I felt the wind in my face and the fear of crashing into the icy river at the bottom, I felt alive.

I only had a couple of goes and then we came back home and I’m snuggled in bed with a hot water bottle  and painkillers.

My tummy hurts and my hernia is throbbing, I can’t get warm and the sensible grown up part of me is shaking her head and rolling her eyes at my silliness.

But, man!!! What is life without silliness?

I often miss my giddy, daft side, the side that would head out on a night out not know where I’d end up (once it was on a bus to Hull, another time to a strip club doing shots with the dancer!!) I miss adventure, I miss walking for miles, I miss being pain free and the only tiredness I felt being caused by a hangover or a hike!

So often I spend my time in bed, my joints are so painful, the fatigue is soul destroying, the hernias are painful and cause bag leaks and burning skin. The depression stole months from me, I hid away in my room because it was the only place I felt safe.

So yes, today I did something stupid. But it was SO worthwhile.

Love Sam xxx

 

6 replies
  1. Tracey Bryant
    Tracey Bryant says:

    Me too. As I stood at top of a hill that nearly killed me looking at the breathtaking views, I know I was the only person up there thinking how thankful I was to be alive and grateful to be on one of my better days. Lots of people take it for granted but us special ones see everything so much deeper x

    Reply
  2. pauline
    pauline says:

    Hi Sam
    I had hernia surgery two weeks ago today. I am slowly getting better but it’s been very hard to cope with. I found getting in and out of bed the most painful so took to sleeping upright on the lounge. I don’t want to bring you down but I appreciate that you understand what this terrible disease is like. I wish you luck with your surgery and really, don’t do anything for at least 2 weeks.

    Reply
  3. Lindsey
    Lindsey says:

    Sam, I read this having Spent all yesterday at stupid hospital appointments for my UC. Your decision to go and have a laugh, I believe is actually the most sensible and grown up thing to have done. Our minds and mental health need looking after and nurturing just as much as our bodies. Let’s all try our best to take your advice and say “Fuck it!” more often! X

    Reply
  4. Angela Turner
    Angela Turner says:

    Fantastic to read you are still in touch with your inner silly side; sometimes it’s doing something a little risque that can make life – and chronic illnesses – more bearable. Sounds like you had a lot of fun and it’s those kind of memories that keep you going when you really are bed-bound. Hope the surgery goes really well for you, Sam.

    Reply
  5. Kevin Sullivan
    Kevin Sullivan says:

    I’m a 54 year old bloke and I nearly cried reading this – both I and my wife laughed as we watched kids and their parents and pet dogs doing exactly the same thing down our (steep) side road a couple of weeks back , and even though I have a bowel related problem I couldn’t imagine having fun being such a break from the sensible ‘looking after yourself’ thing , good for you , but obviously you paid for it afterwards – not so good for you – I write to you because in just reading this I realise that I’m not alone even if I have to deal with the physical problems largely on my own , and that is a a big positive – thank you – Kevin

    Reply

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