So today I did something stupid.
After work I decided to take the dogs out and go sledging! It’s not a good idea for me at the minute!! I am waiting for hernia surgery and my fatigue is out of hand.
But as I sat looking out of the window at the snow, knowing my husband and kid were out having fun, I just felt really sad that I was indoors. I thought about how in two weeks I’ll be having surgery and then for weeks after I won’t be able to do much, I thought about how it feels to not be able to go out and have fun and I thought ‘FUCK IT!’
Sometimes we have to make decisions to take risks, to do things that aren’t the wisest, to live in the present and have fun.
I wrapped up and went out and I screamed my way down snowy hills laughing till I cried, I went head first feeling like I was in the olympics, I felt the wind in my face and the fear of crashing into the icy river at the bottom, I felt alive.
I only had a couple of goes and then we came back home and I’m snuggled in bed with a hot water bottle and painkillers.
My tummy hurts and my hernia is throbbing, I can’t get warm and the sensible grown up part of me is shaking her head and rolling her eyes at my silliness.
But, man!!! What is life without silliness?
I often miss my giddy, daft side, the side that would head out on a night out not know where I’d end up (once it was on a bus to Hull, another time to a strip club doing shots with the dancer!!) I miss adventure, I miss walking for miles, I miss being pain free and the only tiredness I felt being caused by a hangover or a hike!
So often I spend my time in bed, my joints are so painful, the fatigue is soul destroying, the hernias are painful and cause bag leaks and burning skin. The depression stole months from me, I hid away in my room because it was the only place I felt safe.
So yes, today I did something stupid. But it was SO worthwhile.
Love Sam xxx