The fear

People tell me I’m strong, I’m brave, I’m a fighter. But mainly I just feel afraid.

Being chronically ill takes away all the control in your life, it strips away all the things that make you you and leaves this husk of a being.

The last couple of weeks have been so draining, like the life in me has been sucked away. The surgery was a shock, though it was going to be planned, to have it dropped on me with days notice shook me to the core.

When I got home from hospital I picked up a stomach bug. I felt sick and nauseous and that feeling took over everything. I had stomach cramps that felt like the worst contractions and I was passing water from my stoma, I lost a stone in a week and I honestly felt like I was dying.

But it was the fear that was the worst.

Recovery one day at a time

I felt so afraid, I refused to let Timm call the doctors as I was terrified that they would make me go back in to the hospital and the thought of that was so overwhelming. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t breathe, I had panic attacks and I felt as though I was losing my grip on reality.

Fear is such a strong emotion. A feeling that takes over everything else.

I lost independence and control and had to rely completely on Timm. I was afraid that I’d never feel any better than that again and the thought of that was too much to bear.

This led to the fear that I was too much of a burden. That it would be too much for Timm and he’d walk away. Though he never once did anything to make me feel that way, I think past experience of people I thought loved me walking away planted a seed of doubt that anyone would want to put up with me.

I’m afraid of missing work, I’m afraid of going back to work, I’m afraid that I’m screwing up the kids when they have to see me like this.

Im scared that I’ll never be me again, that I won’t be able to walk the dogs, to work in the allotment, to travel, to be free. I’m afraid that I’m always going to be a patient, a sick person, that I’ll be a constant visitor to hospitals and that my life will be a constant cycle of illness, treatment and recovery.

My nan passed away the day before I was admitted to hospital and so my recovery has coincided with a deep grief and mourning that hits me like a punch to the gut. It’s been a really tough couple of weeks.

I know this is a depressing post, but it feels better to get it out, to give it a voice and to take the power away from this feeling of fear and give me back some control over how I feel.

So though I’m filled with fear right now, I have no other choice but to keep going. I got a card recently and on the front it said ‘take it one day at a time’.  There have been days where even that was too much, I had to take it one hour at a time, fuck, sometimes it was one minute at a time!

And sometimes that it all we can do.

✌🏽& ❤️

Sam

10 replies
  1. Nichola W
    Nichola W says:

    I just feel all of this, I’m crying because I just get it. Hopefully one day we’ll not be the shells we now are, we’ll be healthy and free xx keep putting one foot in front of the other xxx

    Reply
  2. Rinse
    Rinse says:

    Lovely Sam, it takes so little to tip me over the edge so I can understand how easy it is to fall back into the pit of despair .I try and stay on top of it, but once I sense the fear returning it is so hard to stop it, even though the fear of the fear is only making it worse. I had a recurrence this weekend and luckily it was only brief but I completely get the “what if” feelings. Sorry, I realise this is rambling but what I’m trying to say is that its no wonder you are anxious- you have so much more to bear than most of us…and that horrid experience when they left you in pain wouldn’t have helped. I don’t know the answer, I just know that feeling of trying to get through life minute by minute is draining and terrifying. Just hold Timms hand, he will not let you down xx

    Reply
  3. Amy
    Amy says:

    This sums up exactly how I feel right now in the midst of a flare up. I always forget how awful the feeling is. I hope this passes soon for us both! ♥️

    Reply
  4. Lisa
    Lisa says:

    Sam I can always relate to your post and fear is an over whelming feeling that consumes you from every angle like a blanket.
    Fear takes me right back to those vulnerable places of helplessness and like you surgery and the fear of never getting better or things getting worse the fear of not being able to cope with mire than a minute at a time. I’ve been lucky 3 years post takedown and I’ve just had a nasty bout of pouchitis which brought all that fear rushing back..
    thank you for posting some thing others can’t understand unless you have felt that emotion.

    Reply
  5. Chris Corker
    Chris Corker says:

    Hi Sam
    Remember your quote “My body may be broken but it is awesome”
    Give it time to heal and you will reap the benefits. Hang on there.
    Chris xx

    Reply
  6. Rhonda
    Rhonda says:

    Life offers us a second chance- it’s called tomorrow. Wishing each tomorrow will be a better and easier day for you- both physically and emotionally. You are always there for us and we are always here for you!!!

    Reply
  7. Vicki
    Vicki says:

    There are two wise pieces of advice I would like to give. Emotions are like farts they’re better out than in. It good to vent and let it out. If don’t let it out than it will do you more damage than good.

    The second piece of advice I want to give you is this. Grief has no time limits it has no rules. You were close to your Nan so make sure you take all the time you need to grieve her. My Dad been gone for three years and there’s not a day I don’t think about him and wish here were still here. I am ok with that since it is part of the grieving process and the thing is I don’t know when or if ever I will stop morning him and that ok too. Also make sure you take care of yourself too.

    Reply
  8. Angela Turner
    Angela Turner says:

    Flippin heck Sam, you lost your lovely Nan the day before major surgery; two big stressors for you to deal with. No wonder you feel the fear. Sounds like Timm is a keeper of magnificent proportions, he ain’t going nowhere girlfriend! As for your kids? They’re resilient, they know you love them and they also know you’re human with real feelings and emotions. This is real life, your life, and you need to nurture that tiny little seed of courage, bravery and strength. Let your family take care of you; sounds like you really need to be totally wrapped up in their love, just let it wash over you. Can’t remember if you’ve mentioned it before but try practicing some mindfulness or mediation; I always find this helps when I need to get myself a bit of space from whatever is trying to victimise me or – as in the past – when my physical body has been almost beyond repair. Take each minute as it comes and listen to your body and mind to give them what they need.

    Reply
  9. Judith Hunt
    Judith Hunt says:

    Dear Awesome Sam, don’t ever forget that you’ve got guts and determination and some days one minute at a time is as good as it gets and that is perfectly ok. Hugs from Oz

    Reply

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