I’ve been thinking a lot about work at the moment, I work for the brilliant charity Scope and have been off sick since my emergency surgery at the beginning of June. They have been great but that doesn’t stop me feelinh terribly guilty about having time off and the pressures that puts on my team.
During this time off, I have also found out that I got my own show on BBC Radio Sheffield and so it’s felt pretty weird to get a new job when I’m not even at my current one. I’m thrilled to start presenting my radio show and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be staying at Scope and doing one evening a week with the beeb.
They too have been really understanding about my recovery and we’ve prerecorded the first two shows to fit in around my time off and my health. We’ll be going live on the 5th September!
I obviously also run this blog and the so bad ass social media and I have to admit that everything is getting a bit much.
I love all the work I do but as I feel my body fails me year on year, it’s hard to fit everything in and the fatigue, joint pain, aches and ostomy bag troubles do make life really difficult to be in the work world every day.
I give myself a hard time, I push myself so hard because I despise the fact that I can’t do everything that I’d like to do and I’ve got in a bad habit of cycling through the phases of push, push, push, crash. And repeat.
Im questioning dropping my hours with Scope but this brings on waves of anxiety, both financial and the feelings that I’m letting them down, that I’m so useless I can’t even do the hours and the job they hired me for! I think this is exasperated by the fact I’ve been off sick for so long. I’m terrified of letting them down and scared I’m not up to the role any more. I need to say this is all coming from my head, not at all from my employer.
Having a chronic illness is a full time job in itself, I wake up almost every morning feeling hungover and like I’ve run a marathon and adding in full time work just is exhausting and draining. I worry massively about whether working full time and then consequently sleeping and resting a lot means that my kids are missing out. Am I a good enough mum? Am I there enough both physically and emotionally?
And so to add in one night a week doing my radio show is scaring the pants off me.
How do I fit everything in? How can I be ‘enough’ at work, on my show, on the blog, as a wife, as a friend, as a volunteer, as a mother?
Yet dropping hours at work will affect us financially, it makes life harder for my husband who will have to do more hours to make up for it, it will affect my team at work, my role and maybe my potential as an employee.
I feel like I can’t do right for doing wrong, like whatever decision I make will negatively impact someone. But I need to think about my body, my mind and my health.
The last surgery broke me, it was so tough to get through and the recovery was horrific. I’m still getting the odd panic attack whenever I think about going to see a doctor or hospital. I’m scared about my future, I’m worried, I’m still in pain, I’m still recovering.
I feel I need to make changes to myself and my lifestyle to self care more. I’m seeing a physiotherapist, I’m looking at my diet, I’m thinking about my attitude and how I can live a more positive and happy life.
On one hand I feel that reducing my hours will allow me down time and a better work life balance which could really benefit both work, the blog and the radio show, but on the other I find this decision upsetting and embarrassing. I hate feeling like my body is letting me down.
I’ve no idea how best to move forward and I really need to start some planning around the desision to get to a point where I’m happy and comfortable
Anyway I’m sorry there’s no resolution in this post but I’ll update when things change and I’ve made some decisions
✌🏽 & ❤️