Good news and bad

Last week I had some good news from the gynae hospital.  I’ve had a large cyst on my ovary that been monitored for a few months, along with some worrying blood test results, there was a concern about ovarian cancer.

I’ve been given the all clear, the cyst had gone down, the blood test results a lot closer to normal so it’s all great news!

Then this week I met with my new surgeon Mr Adams, I’ve been referred to him by Mr Brown as he deals with more complex abdominal cases so Timm and I went to see him yesterday.

We looked at my scans and he went through my history and said that he would operate. This I was expecting, I have one large parastomal hernia and one hernia in my old stoma site so I knew that surgery was definitely on the cards.

What I wasn’t expecting was just how complicated and high risk it was going to be. Because of having so many surgeries, the multiple hernias and the sheer size of the parastomal hernia, he says it is going to be very complex and difficult.

I have a 75% chance of complications, this is really frightening.

Ill need a 1-2 week hospital stay and 2-3 months off work recovering.

I was in shock and had a bit of a cry, it’s all just a bit overwhelming and scary right now, I am terrified that I’ve used up all my luck and this is going to be the one where it all goes tits up.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur, I cried a lot, shouted at the sky, said it’s not fair. It all just feels very real now, and hearing those odds of things going wrong has put the fear in me. Though I can reduce that by 10% by stopping smoking or going onto e-cigarettes so yesterday was my last fag and today I have a big stupid vape thingy!! But needs must!

Today I’m a bit less emotional, certainly less weepy. But deep down I’m just scared.

The thing is that it’s not the surgery itself that scares me the most, it’s the recovery and the fear of more god awful nurses who won’t follow instructions and give me the planned pain relief. The last hospital stay was a nightmare with two of the most uncaring, horrible nurses I’ve ever met who left me in agony for over an hour after my epidural was switched off (you can read about it here.)

Whenever I think about surgery, it’s this moment I’m taken back to, this feeling of panic, pain and the complete free fall of no control and I panic. My chest tightens, I can’t catch my breath, my head spins and I feel like I’m right back there. I’m so scared!

And so the thought of having 2 weeks in hospital, potential complications, a big old cut in my belly, potentially another stoma move and then months of not being able to work, of needing so much rest, it’s just too much.

Because I had two surgeries last year (and a handy mental breakdown) I have no more paid sick leave left at work and so although they are really supportive, financially it’s a worry.

Timm says that whatever we need to do, we will, that he’ll look after me, to forget the money, that we will get through it together, that he’ll be with me every step and won’t leave hospital till he knows pain relief is sorted.

I also know we have some wonderful friends who will be right by our side and so that makes me smile.

But all in all, this is a bad time, I paste the smile on but underneath I’m absolutely done in, scared, weepy and upset.

Will update when I’m feeling brighter

✌?& ❤️

Sam xx