You may have seen this week on social media that I have been for a CT scan this week and so I thought I would do a quick update.
I believe the hernias are back. I don’t really want to admit that out loud but I think there is something wrong. I am in a lot of pain, my stomach is really swollen and it’s so painful.
So I have had a CT scan and I will be seeing my consultant in a few weeks to get the results and see what the score is. I had the contrast CT where they put it through a cannula and it makes you feel like you have wee’d yourself!
I am devastated. I honestly can’t even think too much about it because I don’t know how I will cope. I know Im not strong enough for another surgery and I don’t know if they will be able to offer any other solutions. The thought of this being my life forever now, being in pain, is too much to bear.
I’m pinning my hopes on it being some awkward swelling, something that will go down on it’s own. But honestly, I don’t feel very hopeful.
These ideas I had of everything being good now are drifting away. My dreams of kayaking and adventuring in our campervan seem less and less likely. But I can’t allow myself to stop and cry because I’m scared if I do, that I will never stop.
Things just all feel quite tough and stressful right now. I feel so unsure on everything, life, work, home. What I want, what I need. I feel like I am on unstable ground and everything could topple at any moment.
I am having to take a lot of pain medication which isn’t helping with the confusion and uncertainty but is necessary to get through the days of pain.
Anyway, Ill update after seeing the docs and let you know what is happening.
Peace and love