Before I get out of bed

Before I get out of bed, I can do ANYTHING!

When I wake up in the morning, before I stand up, before I even sit up. The world is my oyster and I can do anything I desire. Before I stand and the pain starts , I am queen of the world.

This morning, I woke up and googled sea kayaking in Lanzarote. We’re having a few days away over there and I’m obsessed with kayaking! By that I mean that after my last surgery I spent every day in hospital dreaming of kayaking. I’m not sure why as I’ve only ever been on one once. But the fear of never leaving hospital was huge and when I meditated, I imagined being sat in a kayak with my husband on a calm serene lake with the sum on my face and it’s what got me through.

So this morning, before I got out of bed I searched for these kayak adventures of coastal exploration and snorkelling.

I thought about what I want to do today, starting with a long dog walk with the pups.

I thought about a big old clean up at home, mopping the floors and hoovering the stairs.

Going to pick up some gorgeous fresh ingredients and cooking a big leg of lamb and a sunday roast, inviting friends over.

Heading to the gym for a good work out, maybe a yoga class and then chilling in the spa after.

Before i get out of bed, I can do anything. And that’s why I’m putting off getting up. I’m laid on my side typing this on my phone because once I stand up, the dream is over.

Once I stand up, it feels like my tummy is going to open up and fall out. Without wearing support garments, its hideously painful. In the last op they did a huge abdominal reconstruction and honestly it feels worse than before now. I am going to see my consultant in a few weeks.

So when I stand up, all my dreams flutter away. My choices narrow, the plans have to begin. It’s not that I cant do any of these things, but its picking one. And then putting on support garments and planning when I take painkillers, getting the balance of proper pain relief without being zonked out. It’s not simple, or independent. It becomes a task to complete.

Before I get out of bed, anything is possible and life is much simpler. So I might just stay in bed dreaming for a little longer.


Sam xx

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