Well, it has been a while! I have had a break post surgery as things are not going too great for me and I just haven’t had the energy or headspace to write about it here. You may have caught up with me over facebook, instagram or twitter in the past couple of months. But now I am back and blogging.
So what has been going on with me and my health? Well after my last surgery in April this year, I really hoped that it would be the final one. I followed the rules, no lifting, no smoking, lots of rest. But unfortunately things didn’t go as planned. I had an abdominal reconstruction, they fixed two hernias and moved my stoma again.
The hernia on my left side has come back with a vengeance, my abdominal wall has completely opened up. From my hip bones to my ribs, it is all open and I have a large lump and swelling where my insides are pushing everything outwards.
I also now have two hernias either side of my stoma that cause a big swelling and blockages. The worst thing is the constant pain, it is incredibly painful and a huge struggle in day to day life. My stomach looks awful, it is so wonky and lumpy and the swelling is pulling my scars in all different directions.
I am having to wear 2 or 3 hernia supports all the time or else it feels like my insides will tumble out. I am taking a lot of pain killers, paracetamol, codeine, nefapam and naproxen. This is affecting me so much, it is hard to do very much when you are off your face on pain meds! If I have to do anything, then I have to skip meds, so I am either drugged up or in a lot of pain.
It is really getting me down, I am just devastated. I honestly thought last year would be the start of a new life and for it to be just another hurdle is shit. I can’t see a happy future now, just surgery after failed surgery, pain, inability to live the life I want and the burden on those around me.
My self esteem has taken a huge knock. It is hard to feel confident when my body looks so different. I don’t feel beautiful or sexy, I feel like an utter mess. My clothes don’t fit, you can see these big lumps through clothes. I have taken to wearing huge dresses to try and cover it all up. I keep trying to make an effort in my appearance, but it feels like a waste of time when I just feel horrible. It feels a bit silly to worry so much about appearance when everything has gone to shit, but it really has knocked my confidence.
What’s the plan?
So what’s the plan? Well I have had CT scans and seen Mr Adam, the abdominal specialist and even he feels a little stumped. He is taking my case to a group of surgeons to try and come up with a plan of action.
On the left side for the huge hole, he wants to put in a synthetic mesh. But it’s a big job, forgive me if this description isn’t very medical (or even fully accurate!) it was a lot to take in! He said I would need to go in for botox injections pre surgery to paralyse the muscles in my stomach. Then during surgery he will put a large mesh into the muscle and then wrap around my hip bones to keep it in place.
But on the right side where my stoma is, he is unsure on the best course of action. This is why he is meeting other surgeons and specialists to make a plan. What he has made clear is that it is a huge surgery and not to be taken lightly.
I don’t know what to say about it. I have developed PTSD from the surgeries and the mere thought of being in hospital sends me into sheer panic. My chest hurts, I can’t breathe, I start sweating. Just writing about it here has made me cry.
But I am in so much pain. I have been signed off work and I am not living much of a life right now. I can’t carry on like this, so I have to go through with another op. But I am so afraid. Im scared of the pain, the hospital stay, of not making it through the op, of the recovery, the burden to others. Mostly of it not working and going through all of this and being in the same situation this time next year.
So there we are, the update I have been dreading. I am going to be back and blog regularly now so I won’t leave it so long next time.
Peace and love