You can’t heal the wound with the knife still in it
I saw this tweet this week from showupforthis and it stopped me in my tracks.
It is talking about the trauma of Covid and the past year of the pandemic, and makes complete sense. But for me it made me think about the trauma of several years of ongoing poor health, surgeries, pain and suffering. I have been giving myself such a hard time about feeling depressed and struggling to ‘get over’ my illness. But this hit me hard. Of course I cannot heal the trauma when I am still in the middle of it!
I am still unwell, I am on a lot of medication and seeing two different consultants. I am starting with other symptoms and being referred to another specialist. My tummy is disfigured and swollen and very painful. I have fatigue, I can’t sleep without sleeping tablets due to anxiety and I am on antidepressants.
Yet I am asking myself why do I feel like this? Why am I so low and anxious? This tweet summed it all up for me.
You can’t heal a wound with a knife still in it.
I am still on the journey, I am still dealing with surgery and medications but I am expecting myself to be dealing with the trauma. The knife is still well and truly stuck in there and I am wondering why the wound isn’t healing!
I suppose I just wanted to write about this as I know so many of us give ourselves such a hard time whilst never looking past the surface. Many of us are living with daily pain and massive uncertainty with out health and wonder why we feel so low about it.
Not that all hope is lost, as it says, we can identify the wound, we can learn coping strategies to live with it in our side. We can move forward in learning more about ourselves and how we can manage to live the best life right now. And maybe one day I will learn to heal. But I feel like giving myself a break from wondering why I am not healing right this second.
The NHS say “Two thirds of people with a long-term physical health condition also have a mental health problem, mostly anxiety and depression.” So we are more likely to struggle with our mental health. Maybe it is time we spoke about this a little more as I am shocked by that statistic!
This quote isn’t going to rid me of all anxiety, nor is it going to fix me. But it is going to be another card in my positive affirmations that I tell myself when times are really shitty.
I hope it helps you too
Peace and love
Sam xx
Hi Sam, I’m so sorry for you having to keep dealing with all your medical problems.
I put my sister Niamh (Kenny) on to your blog after she had her colostomy. You were a godsend to her. She told me that until she read your blog she had never seen one single thing about colostomies etc on the web. Like you, she had so many health problems- strangely hardly anything in regard to the colostomy, more related to the cancer that caused her to get the bag in the first place.. she also had mental health issues too, mainly depression due to all she was going through.
Last night she passed away due to complications from the cancer. We’re all so sad that it finally took her and she had had such a horrible 6 months prior. (Not six months of pain and agony, more (like yourself) six months of one procedure after another, each one supposedly a fix for her problems but never succeeding.
But I just wanted you to know that your honesty and your blog helped her more than you will ever know. So Sam, keep looking after yourself, rest up and hopefully your body will begin to heal.
You didn’t just help Niamh you help hundreds of other people too. You are worth your weight in gold.
Best love. Schira
Oh Schira, I am so sorry for your loss. What a devastating time for you, I can’t imagine how tough it is for you now.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it genuinely means the world and I am so glad that I could help your sister even a little.
I am thinking of you, much love, Sam xxxx
Thanks for sharing this quote and your thoughts with us. I’m sorry you don’t feel well, but I’m glad you shared it. I really appreciate that you also share your low moments, as they give me a kind of comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who feels sometimes overwhelmed, knocked-out and even somewhat apathic because of all the surgeries I’m going through (I had 3 emergency surgeries on a peri-anal abcess, one for a seton placement and one for removing a stricture in the last 2 years). That’s also the reason for me to respond: to let you know you’re not the only on who goes through this and has these thoughts. You are right, it is trauma and it is difficult to heal when you’re still in it. When it comes to someone else, I see clearly that time, patience and kindness is required, but for myself I’m not always so thoughtful. I tend to think that I should be stronger, that these surgeries shouldn’t move me that much, that I’m overexaggerating when I feel low. Thank you for reminding me over and again that we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves, that we need to give ourselves a break and some fresh air to breath. I wish you all the best and the strength and peace you need.
Thanks so much for sharing xx
You’ve just stopped me in my tracks . . . the words you have put on your picture are some of the most wise, most insightful, and most helpful I have seen in a very long time.
Thank you. xx
I am so glad it helped xxx