Botox injections for abdominal reconstruction

This post is about having botox injections for abdominal reconstruction due to hernias. I would like to start this by saying that I have no medical training and this post is just a patient’s view of going through this procedure. If you have any questions, then you should speak to your doctor.

Botox injections

After having my large intestine removed in 2013 due to Ulcerative Colitis and having an ileostomy formed, I developed hernias. I also had other major open surgeries including a jpouch formation and subsequent removal. I have had multiple hernias as a result of these surgeries, both parastomal hernias, incisional and currently a large problematic hernia in my abdominal wall.

I’m due to have surgery tomorrow to fix these issues with an abdominal wall reconstruction and as part of the preparation for this, I have had botox injections into the abdominal muscles.

When I was told I was having this done, there was very little information and when I have spoke to other doctors and nurses, they have had no idea about it! So I turned to Dr Google (which generally is a bad idea but can be useful!!) I found a talk by a doctor called Talar Tejirian at the International Hernia Collaboration Symposium held during the 2017 SAGES Annual Meeting in Houston, TX on Thursday, March 23, 2017 on why she uses botox for abdominal reconstructions. Just a warning that this link includes a video and images of open surgery so please don’t click on it if you could find this upsetting. The video was ok but aimed at surgeons. I couldn’t find anything patient friendly by the NHS or other people who have been through this. Hence my reason for this post.

I can only describe my own experience of this, and I have no idea if this is typical or not, so please do chat with your doctor if you have questions and let me remind you again that I am not a medical professional. Also I will be honest with how it felt and talk about the size of needles. I do this because I wish I could have read a patient’s experience beforehand. But if you are nervous and don’t like this sort of thing, then you probably should skip the rest of this post.

hernias and botox for abdominal reconstruction

The procedure

The appointment was for 4 weeks before my surgery date, the doctors told me this is because the Botox is at it’s most effective 4-6 weeks before the surgery. They use the botox to paralyse the abdominal muscles. They do this because when muscles are working, they contract, by paralysing them, it makes them long and loose. And so when they do the surgery, they are easier to manipulate and stretch to cover the hole where the hernia was.

I went into hospital after being told not to eat after midnight and just drink water till 6.30am. We went to the day surgery unit in the hospital and saw the surgical team and then I went down to theatre. It was a weird feeling being in the surgical theatre awake! I have had 8 surgeries for my illness and so been in a few theatres but always knocked out!

I was in a hospital gown and had to remove all my clothes and laid on a bed. Then the surgeon used an ultrasound to find the muscles. There wasn’t local anaesthetic either, so I was a little scared. He injected into the muscle with possible the largest needle I have ever seen!! It kind of looked like a joke needle!

I will be honest, it did hurt. It was a very odd feeling as I felt the needle break the skin and then push through into the muscle. It was a long needle, but also quite thick. I could feel an odd burning sensation as he pushed the botox into the muscle and then removed the needle.

I really had my fists clenched and was trying not to swear as he then repeated this three more times on my left side, before moving onto four injections on my right side. The injections were on the front of my abdomen. If you rest your hand on your stomach with your thumb by your belly button, then the injections were about in line with the little finger.

It took probably 15 minutes in total and once it was done, I walked back to the ward. I felt the effects almost immediately. The muscles relaxed and my hernias extended pretty quickly. Back on the ward, I had a cup of tea and a slice of toast and then was able to return home.

After the procedure

It’s now been four weeks since the injections. My surgeon told me to expect for it to significantly worsen the hernias. He said “you will be cursing my name for the next month!” and he is right! Every day it feels looser. My hernias are sticking right out and I can feel so much movement inside my abdomen. I have spent most of the last three weeks resting, either sitting or laying down as it is incredible painful to be stood up.

I am using the hernia vests and support garments that I already had, but have found I need to wear two or three to feel secure. But when I do this, it squashed my ileostomy bag and I have leaks. So it is a difficult balance.

I am taking strong painkillers every day and struggling to sleep through the night. It is very uncomfortable even when I am laid down in bed. I feel like I can feel every movement inside my belly. When I lay on my side, it feels like my insides fall to that side! Very weird feelings!

It worsened every day, it isn’t the most painful experience ever, but it is very very uncomfortable even when sitting or laying, and when I am up and about walking or standing, it does feel like all my insides are going to fall out.

I just hope that the benefits during surgery will make all this discomfort and inability to do anything for the past month all worth it.

My next surgery is tomorrow and I am just hoping that it will resolve all my issues and this is the last time I will need to be dealing with hernias and the complications around them. Fingers crossed and I will update after the op.

I would love to hear from anyone who has also had the botox injections for an abdominal reconstruction so do get in touch!

Sam xx

You knock me down, I get the f**k back up again

Hello you lovely people,

Firstly, apologies for not being about for a while, it has been a tough couple of months and I just. haven’t been in the right head space to blog. We moved house on the 13th December which was manic just before Christmas, I left my job at Scope and I got my surgery date, this was all just after us losing our dog Lola at the beginning of December which hit us all hard.

Surgery number 9

So surgery. Number nine. FFS! I can’t bloody believe it. I am just devastated and it has taken me some time to get my head around it. It feels so unfair that this is happening again. I have two parastomal hernias and also then on my left hand side, the muscles have completely given up the ghost. There is a huge hole and it has been incredibly painful and difficult to manage.

Earlier this month I had botox injections into my abdominal muscles. They do this to paralyse the muscles. When muscles work they contract, for this surgery, they want my muscles to be as long and loose as possible. This technique is something I hadn’t heard of before and I couldn’t find out too much about it online. I’ll do a separate blog post to explain it in more detail.

Sam Cleasby blogger

I have to admit that the idea of yet another surgery has hit me hard. I’m angry. It has taken a while for me to even say those words out loud. The feeling of sinking back into a bad place, it all just felt too much. I decided to leave my job as I just felt unable to carry on being in so much pain all the time. I felt useless and worthless and just like a burden.

The bully

It feels like there is a bully standing over me who keeps pushing me down into the dirt. And every time I brush myself off and get up, there he is, pushing me down again. I really started to doubt myself, to doubt my worth in the world. This journey I am on, I started in 2004 when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. When I had my first surgery in September 2013, I genuinely believed it would be the one and only and that it would fix everything. How wrong I was.

Now, don’t get me wrong, when I had my large intestine removed and a stoma formed, it cured me of the years of diarrhea and bleeding that had marred my life. My ileostomy bag gave me back so much and I was and am still happy to have it. The fact is that without it, I probably wouldn’t be here. But I really wasn’t ready or prepared for another 7 years of pain, operations and hernias that have made it all difficult but in a different way.

But surgery number 9, are you fucking kidding me?

This is going to be a big operation, I have a specialist who has brought in a specialist! The botox is meant to help as they are putting in a lot of synthetic mesh. It is going to be several hours of surgery and I am scared. Im scared of even stepping through the doors of the hospital. Nevermind going through the operation itself. I am terrified of the pain and the long recovery. I’m scared of it all. I don’t feel brave. I feel overwhelmed.

Sam Cleasby disability blogger

Hamilton

I love the musical Hamilton, and there is a line in one of the songs by Hercules Mulligan; it says “Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction, when you knock me down, I get the fuck back up again” I must have listened to the soundtrack hundreds of times, but this week, that line really got to me.

I just suddenly thought ‘oh my god, that’s me!’ I have been knocked down time and time again, but every time I get the fuck back up again.

It’s not easy living with chronic illness and these ongoing complications of muscle problems and multiple hernias have certainly knocked me down a lot. And honestly, there have been times when I was down in the dirt when I thought I couldn’t get back up. That I was done in and had no more fight in me.

But you know what? As I sit there bloodied and battered, battle worn and exhausted, I use that time to sit back and look around me. I stop. I take a breath. And I see my cheerleaders, my support system, my friends, my kids, my husband, my family. All the amazing people in my life who love me. That time when I am down and flat on my arse, I use it to wallow, to heal, to re-centre. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am angry at the amount of time I seem to find myself sat in the dust.

But you know what I do then?

I get the fuck back up again.

Sam xx

Sheffield Scope Shop opening

This year, Scope opened a charity shop in Sheffield, their first one in the city. It was an honour to be asked to open the store and to get to go in early and have a scout around the clothes. I got to pick a few outfits and then modelled them to promote the shop.

You can find the shop on Division Street in Sheffield and I have to say I went back and bought a few of the items that I modelled for them. There are some great vintage finds and at a brilliant price as well as loads of books and household things. It’s worth a look if you are in Sheffield.

Sam Cleasby opening a charity shop in Sheffield

You can keep in touch with them by following them on Instagram or just popping in. The manager is friendly and welcoming as are the volunteers working in the shop.

Sam Cleasby opening a charity shop in Sheffield

If you are looking for a volunteering experience, get in touch with them at ku.gr1582301807o.epo1582301807cs@po1582301807hs.dl1582301807eiffe1582301807hs1582301807. They are currently at the time of writing this looking for sorters, shop and till assistants, take a look here.

Sam Cleasby opening a charity shop in Sheffield

It’s the first time I have been invited to cut a ribbon and I absolutely loved it! I also do talks around the UK and Europe about Inflammatory Bowel Disease, life with an ostomy, self esteem, body confidence, disability, parenting and more. If you are looking for someone for your event then take a look through my past events here or get in touch.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Charly Cox – Validate Me at Off the Shelf festival

On 10th October, I was honoured to interview Charly Cox in front of a live audience for Off the Shelf festival in Sheffield. She is a poet whose work has inspired many on instagram and through her books.

Text: Hello my name is Charly Cox and I am code dependent. Will you please, please validate me?

Charly Cox

“Charly Cox’s writing focuses on destigmatising mental health and young women surviving the modern world. she must be mad was the best-selling poetry debut of 2018. Her latest Validate Me explores the havoc the digital hemisphere plays on relationships and mental health and how a life lived online is both liberating and screwing us all up. Funny, heartbreaking and achingly relatable, Charly’s writing has the power to make us all feel less alone.”

Charly Cox poet and Sam Cleasby presenter for Off the Shelf festival Sheffield

Though I interview people every week on my BBC Sheffield radio show, it was a very different beast to do it live on a stage in front of an audience. But I absolutely loved it. Charly Cox was such a great guest and was generous in her answers and in giving a lot of herself. It was an absolute pleasure to chat with her. She also read some of her poetry for the audience and hearing it read out loud was just beautiful.

Charly Cox poet and Sam Cleasby presenter for Off the Shelf festival Sheffield

Validate Me

You can find Charly’s book Validate Me here, it is a collection of poetry that is so relatable to women living in a modern, social media obsessed world.

“This is an account of a life lived online. Swiping for approval. Scrolling for gratification. Searching for connection. From the glow of a screen in the middle of the night, to the harsh glare of the hospital waiting room, Validate Me is a raw and honest look at the highs and the lows of a digital life. The new voice of a generation, Charly’s words have the power to make us all feel less alone.”

Head over and follow Charly on instagram today. You can find out more about events and talks I am part of here.

Peace and Love

Sam xx

Henderson’s Relish – Strong and Northern

Henderson’s Relish is a Sheffield staple. It is a vinegary relish that goes on pretty much any foodstuff and beloved to the Steel City. They have just released their second cookbook – Strong and Northern and they asked lots of people who love Sheffield to be a part of it by sharing a little anecdote about Hendo’s. And I was proper chuffed that they asked me!

strong and northern cookbook Hendersons relish

The launch was last night and it was great to meet some of the Sheffield heroes in the book and hear speeches by Steve Edwards and Joe Scarborough.

Hendersons relish strong and northern cookbook

Sheffield is my birthplace and home and I am immensely proud of my city. To be a part of this book with so many amazing people is truly brilliant and I feel really honoured.

You can buy the Strong and Northern cookbook here from the Henderson’s Relish website.

Peace, love and Hendo’s

Sam xx

Sheffield Makes Music

On Thursday 26th September, it was Sheffield Makes Music, an event by the University of Sheffield and BBC Music Day. I was invited to host the main stage and help celebrate the amazingly talented and passionate artists of Sheffield.

They say “The reasons we participate in music are endless, varied, sometimes mysterious, often confusing, always rewarding. But we do it. We love it. We are it. And once again we celebrate it on BBC Music Day.”

Sam Cleasby hosting BBC Music Day Sheffield Makes Music 2019

There were some wonderful artists performing all over Sheffield. It was an honour to be a small part of the day. Sheffield’s poet laureate Otis Mensah also hosted his hand picked artists in his Mash Up House in Orchard Square. Seeing him perform with Sheffield’s finest Steve Edwards was the highlight of my summer.

Though I present on the radio and have done talks all over the UK and Europe, it was very different to be on a stage all day introducing the acts. But I loved it and was so chuffed to be asked to be part of the day.

It was tons of fun and though I was pretty scared beforehand, it was a great day and I would love to do more stuff like this!

Sam Cleasby hosting BBC Music Day Sheffield Makes Music 2019

I have done talks all over the UK and Europe and it was great to do some live stage work, I have really pulled back on doing talks over the past year due to my health. But I hope I will be able to pick up a little more in 2020. You can take a look at some the past events and talks I have done here.

Sam Cleasby hosting BBC Music Day Sheffield Makes Music 2019

Sam xx

Lola’s last walk

Thank you so much for all the kind messages after I shared that we may be losing our darling dog Lola. On Tuesday, we took her to the vets and made the heartbreaking decision to have her put to sleep.

Lola was our dog for 12 years since being a tiny pup. She gave us the most amazing life, filled with joy and love. And in her final days, we made sure we repaid her kindness. We tried to give her the gentlest time and all our love and respect.

Saying goodbye

Our son left for Uni this year and we knew we needed to give him a chance to say goodbye to her. So we drove her up to his Uni house and we all had a bit of time together.

We bought her a McDonalds on the way home!

dog eating burger

We made sure the kids had time to say goodbye to our gorgeous girl.

girl and dog
boy and dog

Lola’s last walk

On Tuesday morning Timm and I took Lola for her last walk. It was a beautiful sunny, winter day. She slowly trotted around the park with us and we took in the last precious time with her. We then took her to the vets who confirmed that her blood tests were very bad and she didn’t think she would have long. She talked to us about options and her fears of Lola going downhill very quickly. She was bleeding in her tummy. We agreed with the heaviest of hearts that putting her to sleep was the kindest option. It was devastating but it was incredibly peaceful and she passed away laid in our laps, looking in our eyes and being told how much we love her.

dog walking in the sun

Then we had to make the decision of what to do with her. I am thankful a friend had recommended a Pet Crematorium who had looked after her pet when they died. She said ‘his name is Chris, just give him a call and have a chat’. We did and he was so caring and kind that we decided to take Lola to him at Old Flatts Farm.

Old Flatts Farm Pet Cremation

We pulled up to a beautiful farmhouse that Lola would have adored, and took her into the chapel of rest where she was placed in a basket. The room was lit with candles and was peaceful, we were given as much time as we needed with her. It was a lovely room and it was so nice to have the space and time to say goodbye away from the vets.

Then we went into Chris’ office where he encouraged us to talk about Lola and our relationship. How we got her, our favourite memories, the times we had together. He told us about how he started the business after his own dog died and he just wanted to make somewhere that gave pets the service, respect and goodbyes that they deserved.

We weren’t rushed, there was no hard sell, there was no pressure. It almost felt like speaking to a therapist! We both cried and were upset but Chris was warm, caring and professional and we left an awful event with some peace and the knowledge we had done the best for her.

I received Lola’s ashes back in a beautiful cardboard tube wrapped in dried flowers. We also got a condolences card with some forget-me-not seeds and chose to have Lola’s paw print in clay framed.

dog cremation South Yorkshire
dog memorial

What next?

I can’t recommend Old Flatts Farm Pet Crematorium enough. This isn’t about me trying to advertise them (and it was of course fully paid for by me, this isn’t some some of blog gifting) but I am just so grateful that we were told about this service and I want to pass that on. I had no idea what the process was after death with pets. We have had a cat and a chihuahua die before. But due to their size, and where we lived, we buried them ourselves. But Lola was a larger dog and we are moving house next week. So the idea of burying her seemed difficult due to size and also we didn’t want to bury her in a house we were leaving!

It was such a beautiful way to deal with her after her death. Chris has so much compassion and care and is very easy to talk to. He made an awful situation just a little easier. And I do have to say that his service (including the paw in the frame) was cheaper than the vet service.

After

The house is now very quiet. We have another dog, Lemmy, and he seems confused and unsettled. We all keep crying over small things, noticing her dog bowl being moved, finding an old toy, seeing her lead. But we are talking about her and we will never forget her.

Some people say “it’s only a dog”. They are wrong. Lola was our family, she made us laugh, was there when we were celebrating, she was there when we cried. I told Lola things that Ive never told anyone else. I have cried into her fur after surgeries when it all seemed to much, I have whispered my pain to her, told her my secrets. She has forced me to get out of the house when I was depressed to walk her. And I know she has had a similar relationship with Timm and all three bambinos.

Lola was the best dog in the world. And we will never forget her.

Sam xx

Our Lola – when it’s time to say goodbye to your best furry friend

Grief is devastating. And if you have had a pet, you will understand that they are your family. I am going to attempt to write this tonight whilst I have the strength. Our lovely 12 year old pup Lola is heading towards the end of her life. Tomorrow we take her to the vets in the understanding that she might not be coming home with us. My heart is broken.

portrait of a dog crown and paw
Queen Lola – by Crown and Paw

Finding Lola

In 2007, we decided to get a dog. Timm and I both had dogs as kids and we knew we wanted our kids to know the joy of having a canine BFF. I went to the Rotherham Dog Rescue website and saw there was a litter of puppies that were in foster care. The mother was a family pet who got out and come home pregnant. We went through the home checks with the rescue centre and then I went to visit the pups.

There were 5 or 6 puppies tumbling out the kitchen, jumping up at the little gate, trying to get my attention. But one was shyly hanging back, looking interested but not pushing forward. I went and picked her up, she snuggled into my arms and promptly fell asleep. And I knew she was the one.

Our kids were 2, 4 and 6 at the time and they instantly fell in love with her. We got her around this time of the year, she was barely past 6 weeks but as she was no longer with her mother, they let us bring her home with us. They say a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. We are lucky to have had her for 11 Christmases.

Three young kids with a puppy

Our best doggy friend

Over the past 12 years, she has been our best friend, our constant side kick, my bed buddy when I was poorly and recovering from surgery. She was part of our wedding, has been a shoulder to cry on to all of us at one point or another. Lola put up with having bobbles on her ears and tutus on her back when the kids were little. She is the best dog any of us could ever hope for.

A few weeks ago she started acting oddly. She was weeing on beds and sofas, something she has never done before. She seemed a little confused and not quite herself. But we put it down to her age, as a 12 year old, she was allowed a few senior moments! Then last week she began to vomit. Not much, but it seemed odd. We thought she may have eaten something dodgy as she has a tendency to eat anything and everything!

Teenagers with a family dog

At the end of last week, her poo changed colour to black and she vomited a few more times, so we took her to the vets for some blood tests. They gave her anti sickness meds, though they didn’t help.

The worst news

Today they called with the worst news. They think she has cancer in her stomach. She is anaemic and losing blood in her vomit and poo. Her kidneys are failing and she has pancreatitis. We are devastated.

The vet believes that with her age and the blood tests, that the kindest thing may be to let her go. She can offer us more tests at this point but she asked us to seriously consider putting her to sleep.

I am heart broken. There is no good time to lose a pet, but with my health and recent bad news about needing more surgery, it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth. I just want a little brightness and the thought of losing my gorgeous Lola is too much.

Dog in a convertible car

Giving her the best day

Today we tried to give her a great day, lots of hugs and love. We took her up to Leeds where our son is at Uni so he could say his goodbyes. We took her to McDonalds and got her a burger! She spent the evening in our bed with us and the kids getting kissed and hugged.

We talked about all the good times we have had together. Our favourite Lola moments. From the time she went and dived into a huge black puddle of mud when we weren’t looking and then ran over to us through our picnic. We were screaming “Whose dog is this???” then I realised it was Lola!

Dog balancing a sausage on her nose

She has camped with us all over the UK, from Dorset through to Scotland. Lola loves swimming and is always the first to run into the sea. She went through a phase of diving into rivers and coming up with rocks, putting them in a pile and going back for more. At our wedding, she wore a bow tie and was our Best Dog. She once chased a ferret for about a mile and when she eventually caught it, she touched it with her nose and jumped a mile and ran back to us crying.

Her tricks include the usual paw, roll over etc, but we put a piece of meat on her nose and tell her to leave it and she won’t touch it till we say so, even if other people tell her. She is the best jumper, the fastest runner, the softest cuddler and the most gentle dog.

dog in a bow tie at a wedding

Our responsibility

We talked with the kids about how for the past 12 years, we have had responsibility to make sure she had the best life, now we have the responsibility to ensure she has a pain free and gentle death.

I can’t even believe I am typing these words. It is truly heartbreaking. She has grown up with our bambinos and has been such a huge part of all of our lives.

Tomorrow, we will take her to the vets and plan for her to have the gentlest passing we can. She has given us so much over the past 12 years and we have been the luckiest family in the world to have so long with the best dog ever. Hug your pet a little closer tonight for me.

My heart is broken.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Positive Advent

I saw a tweet from Munchies and Munchkins on twitter about Positive Advent and thought it was a lovely idea. They said:

Now as much as I love the idea, I don’t think I have the time to commit to so many, but I am going to try and share one for each day up till Christmas. Things are hard for me but I know we can always find some positivity in each day.

Munchies and Munchkins

Please head over and take a look at the Munchies and Munchkins website here to read more about Positive Advent and if you are joining in, it would be lovely for you to follow them on social media and tag them into your positivity. They say:

Post something which you are thankful for each day or something positive happening in your life. Each day increased the amount. The important thing to note is each day you are increasing the amount of good things you are looking for rather than adding one new thing each day. Hopefully in time helping those partaking to notice positives over negatives more often.

Day 1 – one thankful or positive note
Day 24 – twenty four thankful or positive notes 

Don’t feel obligated to join in every day. This is meant to help improve your mental health not add more pressure. Join in once, every day, every week or not at all. Be a lurker and just join in from the sidelines. Do whatever suits you or nothing at all, I am doing this for me rather than to have hundreds joining in. Every one who does join is a bonus. If you want to follow this on social media you can do so by using the hashtag #positiveadvent 

Day 1 of my Positive Advent

Day 2 of my Positive Advent

Peace and love

Sam xx

Hello my old friends – surgery update

Well, it has been a while! I have had a break post surgery as things are not going too great for me and I just haven’t had the energy or headspace to write about it here. You may have caught up with me over facebook, instagram or twitter in the past couple of months. But now I am back and blogging.

Surgery update

So what has been going on with me and my health? Well after my last surgery in April this year, I really hoped that it would be the final one. I followed the rules, no lifting, no smoking, lots of rest. But unfortunately things didn’t go as planned. I had an abdominal reconstruction, they fixed two hernias and moved my stoma again.

The hernia on my left side has come back with a vengeance, my abdominal wall has completely opened up. From my hip bones to my ribs, it is all open and I have a large lump and swelling where my insides are pushing everything outwards.

I also now have two hernias either side of my stoma that cause a big swelling and blockages. The worst thing is the constant pain, it is incredibly painful and a huge struggle in day to day life. My stomach looks awful, it is so wonky and lumpy and the swelling is pulling my scars in all different directions.

I am having to wear 2 or 3 hernia supports all the time or else it feels like my insides will tumble out. I am taking a lot of pain killers, paracetamol, codeine, nefapam and naproxen. This is affecting me so much, it is hard to do very much when you are off your face on pain meds! If I have to do anything, then I have to skip meds, so I am either drugged up or in a lot of pain.

Self esteem

It is really getting me down, I am just devastated. I honestly thought last year would be the start of a new life and for it to be just another hurdle is shit. I can’t see a happy future now, just surgery after failed surgery, pain, inability to live the life I want and the burden on those around me.

My self esteem has taken a huge knock. It is hard to feel confident when my body looks so different. I don’t feel beautiful or sexy, I feel like an utter mess. My clothes don’t fit, you can see these big lumps through clothes. I have taken to wearing huge dresses to try and cover it all up. I keep trying to make an effort in my appearance, but it feels like a waste of time when I just feel horrible. It feels a bit silly to worry so much about appearance when everything has gone to shit, but it really has knocked my confidence.

What’s the plan?

So what’s the plan? Well I have had CT scans and seen Mr Adam, the abdominal specialist and even he feels a little stumped. He is taking my case to a group of surgeons to try and come up with a plan of action.

On the left side for the huge hole, he wants to put in a synthetic mesh. But it’s a big job, forgive me if this description isn’t very medical (or even fully accurate!) it was a lot to take in! He said I would need to go in for botox injections pre surgery to paralyse the muscles in my stomach. Then during surgery he will put a large mesh into the muscle and then wrap around my hip bones to keep it in place.

But on the right side where my stoma is, he is unsure on the best course of action. This is why he is meeting other surgeons and specialists to make a plan. What he has made clear is that it is a huge surgery and not to be taken lightly.

PTSD

I don’t know what to say about it. I have developed PTSD from the surgeries and the mere thought of being in hospital sends me into sheer panic. My chest hurts, I can’t breathe, I start sweating. Just writing about it here has made me cry.

But I am in so much pain. I have been signed off work and I am not living much of a life right now. I can’t carry on like this, so I have to go through with another op. But I am so afraid. Im scared of the pain, the hospital stay, of not making it through the op, of the recovery, the burden to others. Mostly of it not working and going through all of this and being in the same situation this time next year.

So there we are, the update I have been dreading. I am going to be back and blog regularly now so I won’t leave it so long next time.

Peace and love

Sam xx