Well THERE’S a title I never thought I would post!

Seriously though if you are reading this looking for some of my usual positivity, step away now. I am writing this in my bathroom sat on a bidet having spent the last 20 minutes crying. Right now I am feeling bloody sorry for myself.

My kids are away this weekend at scout camp and as they have a whale of a time, Timm and I are having a weekend to ourselves and so far it’s been fab. On Friday I had a new tattoo!!! By the fantastic Glen at Fat Stans in Dinnington, my newest tattoo is line drawings of flowers. My tattooist is great and I’d recommend him very highly, I know he reads this blog from time to time and he makes a point of asking me about my surgery and recovery. It is brilliant to talk about it and normalise the whole process!

Last night we had friends over and had a brilliant evening with good food, booze and daft games. Today we have been to a double bill cinema day (Tammy and The hundred year old man who climbed out of a window and disappeared)

I was having stomach pains in the cinema and had to go to the bathroom a couple of times. I HATE going to public toilets now. The reason is embarrassing. When I go for a poo since having my pouch surgery it is VERY loud. The passing of stool comes with gas and it sounds pretty much like this.

The plan was to then come home, have a Chinese and just hang out together. Only I was desperate for the loo, we’ve got home and unfortunately my (hilarious) chalk board has been reset to 0…

As much as my comedy board does make me chuckle sometimes today it’s made me so sad. It was on 7 and so this feels like a huge set back. I’m embarrassed. I’m angry. I’m heart broken.

I don’t want to write about this really as I don’t want everyone to know.

But I promised myself I would talk about all aspects of my disease, surgery and recovery.

I hate that my husband has to deal with this. I hate it. I don’t want him to see me like this. He is wonderful and just gives me a kiss and tells me it’s fine. But I feel like I’ve taken a punch to the gut when I think about how this aspect of my illness makes me feel so low.

I’m sat on a bidet because of the butt burn. I’ve yet to blog about this yet. Basically the large intestine neutralises the stomach acid in poo. Without it, my waste is really acidic and harsh on my skin. I wear creams and potions to help but sometimes it’s still unbearable. It feels like acid is burning into my butt. It’s itchy, painful and does really feel like a burn.

So I’m feeling particularly pathetic tonight. Please forgive my moaning but right now I just feel weepy, sad and disgusting.

All I can do is dry my eyes and remember tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for reading, at the times when I doubt whether I should write about these things, when I cringe at the thought of people reading this and laughing or judging me I remember the reason I do this. The reason I run this blog and bare my soul is to share my experiences, #stoppoobeingtaboo and to hopefully make life a tiny but easier for others living with ulcerative colitis, crohns or with an ostomy or a pouch.

I know this helps because every day I get emails, messages and comments from people all over the world telling me it’s helping them. I am eternally grateful for every one of these messages, I can’t put into words how important it feels to be making a difference in the lives of others and it spurs me to continue.

If you are reading this as an IBD patient and I’m scaring you I am sorry, the only thing I can say is this.

You are not alone. You CAN get through this. It’s OK to have rubbish days as long as you pick your self up the next day and carry on being awesome and so bad ass.

And now I’m off to take my own advice!!

Sam xxxxx