I started this blog two and a half years ago and I have loved every second. Starting from a humble desire to share my hospital visits and explain my illness to family and friends, it has seen me document every minute of my journey through ulcerative colitis, three surgeries, the loss of my large intestine, one stoma, two hernias and one Jpouch. As well as all the emotions that come with these huge, life altering events.
Today I sit here, awaiting my fourth surgery in two years and it’s a biggy. They’re going to remove my Jpouch, form a permanent stoma and get rid of my bottom. They’re also going to attempt to sort out all the gynae problems that have been caused by all the surgery. It’s a long and complicated surgery and I am very anxious about it.
I’m scared, angry and upset that this is happening. I’m so fed up of my body being this broken thing that affects everything. I’m tired of being a burden to those around me. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I also sit here feeling disheartened and disappointed in myself. I’ve spent the last 9 months working with an agent and many publishers trying to get my book about IBD, ostomies, disability and how to deal with the shit that life throws at you out to the public. And yesterday I got my last ‘no’ from the 12 publishers we have approached. And I’m crying.
I’ve worked really hard because all I’ve ever wanted was to use the massively shite life I’ve been given to help others. I love my blog. I really do. Every message I receive makes me believe in myself a little more. Each one reminds me that as I sit tapping away in my bedroom, that millions of people in the uk and around the world are struggling too, and that my words might just help a tiny bit.
You can’t imagine how much that means.
But right now, between the stress, anxiety and sheer terror of facing this next operation and the utter heart breaking disappointment of not getting published, I think I need a break. We are dealing with a complicated house move at the minute too, which isn’t helping. We’re hoping to move house but dealing with banks and mortgages when you are both self employed is so complicated and stressful and on top of everything else, I just feel so unsettled and without a solid base.
I feel like a failure. In so many ways. I feel my body is failing me. And I feel I’m failing my family and this wonderful audience by not reaching this goal of the book. I struggle with the idea that I am ever good enough, the chip on my shoulder is that I’m not smart enough, that I don’t have a ‘proper’ job and that I just don’t have the ability. I know that books get turned down every single day and that I am nothing special in that way, but the idea that I have wasted all these months hurts.
I feel so low that I can’t offer even a tiny glimmer of hope to readers at the minute. I feel I’m in this dark place that won’t allow me to say something helpful, something inspirational, something positive.
And so I’m taking a little break from the blog and social media, I always think that if you’ve nothing nice to say, it is usually better to shut up.
My family put up with a lot from me, my illness, my inability to work, my emotions. I feel right now, I have very little to offer and what I do have, needs to be focused on them.
I’m sure I’ll be back. But for right now, can I thank every one of you who has read this blog, followed me on social media, messaged me, spoke to me, met me.
I hope you all have the merriest of Christmases and I hope to see you in the new year.