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I think I need a break…

I started this blog two and a half years ago and I have loved every second.  Starting from a humble desire to share my hospital visits and explain my illness to family and friends, it has seen me document every minute of my journey through ulcerative colitis, three surgeries, the loss of my large intestine, one stoma, two hernias and one Jpouch. As well as all the emotions that come with these huge, life altering events.

Today I sit here, awaiting my fourth surgery in two years and it’s a biggy.  They’re going to remove my Jpouch, form a permanent stoma and get rid of my bottom. They’re also going to attempt to sort out all the gynae problems that have been caused by all the surgery.  It’s a long and complicated surgery and I am very anxious about it.

I’m scared, angry and upset that this is happening. I’m so fed up of my body being this broken thing that affects everything. I’m tired of being a burden to those around me.  I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I also sit here feeling disheartened and disappointed in myself. I’ve spent the last 9 months working with an agent and many publishers trying to get my book about IBD, ostomies, disability and how to deal with the shit that life throws at you out to the public.  And yesterday I got my last ‘no’ from the 12 publishers we have approached.  And I’m crying.

I’ve worked really hard because all I’ve ever wanted was to use the massively shite life I’ve been given to help others. I love my blog.  I really do. Every message I receive makes me believe in myself a little more. Each one reminds me that as I sit tapping away in my bedroom, that millions of people in the uk and around the world are struggling too, and that my words might just help a tiny bit.

You can’t imagine how much that means.

But right now, between the stress, anxiety and sheer terror of facing this next operation and the utter heart breaking disappointment of not getting published, I think I need a break. We are dealing with a complicated house move at the minute too, which isn’t helping.  We’re hoping to move house but dealing with banks and mortgages when you are both self employed is so complicated and stressful and on top of everything else, I just feel so unsettled and without a solid base.

I feel like a failure. In so many ways. I feel my body is failing me. And I feel I’m failing my family and this wonderful audience by not reaching this goal of the book.  I struggle with the idea that I am ever good enough, the chip on my shoulder is that I’m not smart enough, that I don’t have a ‘proper’ job and that I just don’t have the ability.  I know that books get turned down every single day and that I am nothing special in that way, but the idea that I have wasted all these months hurts.

I feel so low that I can’t offer even a tiny glimmer of hope to readers at the minute.  I feel I’m in this dark place that won’t allow me to say something helpful, something inspirational, something positive.

And so I’m taking a little break from the blog and social media, I always think that if you’ve nothing nice to say, it is usually better to shut up.

My family put up with a lot from me, my illness, my inability to work, my emotions. I feel right now, I have very little to offer and what I do have, needs to be focused on them.

I’m sure I’ll be back. But for right now, can I thank every one of you who has read this blog, followed me on social media, messaged me, spoke to me, met me.

I hope you all have the merriest of Christmases and I hope to see you in the new year.
Sam x

BIG NEWS!!!!

And so after weeks of annoyingly vague Facebook and twitter status’ of secretive meetings in London (sorry about that!!!), I can announce my big news!

I have signed with wonderful agents Peters, Fraser and Dunlop and I am writing a book!!!

Since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of being a writer.  This was squashed out of me when my English teacher at school told me I would fail all my exams and would never be a writer. (I went and told her my great GCSE results grinning, thinking she would congratulate me.  She didn’t.)

My self belief and confidence took a battering when I became a teenage mum, I became convinced that everyone looked down on me and that the teachers at school would be laughing “I told you so” to one another.  As my friends went on to University, my life became a never ending cycle of nappies, feeding and sleepless nights.  With a husband who worked away for nine months a year and three kids under 5, my career choices felt extremely limited.  I also LOVED being a stay at home mum when my bambinos were little and so the dreams of being an author drifted further and further away.

The success of this blog has astounded me and pushed me forward, it gave me the confidence to put myself out there and through the help of friends I met with the bloody brilliant Nelle Andrew, who after a few meetings decided she would like to represent me and took me on as a client!  I am blown away, I can’t believe that I am getting this opportunity and I will grab it firmly with both hands!!

So what next?  My book proposal is being edited, rearranged and critiqued by Nelle and I am working my socks off to perfect it before we start sending it off to publishers.  Really excitingly, there are a couple of publishers already VERY interested and so life as an author begins!

Peters, Fraser and Dunlop is one of the longest-established literary and talent agencies in London and I am thrilled to be working with both Nelle as a literary agent but also the Media and Public Speaking departments and so I hope that the So Bad Ass message will spread wide and far and that I can make a real difference. (I think TV needs more bolshy, northern, plus size bad asses, don’t you?!!)

I want to thank you all so much for your support, love and messages.  The reason I write is to make a difference and to help others and the book will be an extension of this, I can’t give too much away right now but it will be a book about love, kindness and battles and it will be dedicated to every one of you that are So Bad Ass.

 

Love Sam xxxxx

 

 

 

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