positivity Archives - So Bad Ass

When I hated my body

27th February 2017/5 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Before I had kids I was a size 8. After I was anywhere from a 12 to an 18. It was a shock to see my body change so much and I hated it.

When I hated my body, I thought fat couldn’t be sexy, or beautiful, or attractive. I’d been taught that fat people were disgusting, or shameful, or ugly.

When I hated my body, I thought fat couldn’t be clever, or professional, or respected. I’d been taught fat people were the butt of the joke, they were the low paid staff in a dirty polo shirt.

When I hated my body, I thought fat couldn’t be loved, or celebrated, or rejoiced. I’d been taught that fat people were the funny friend, the sad spinster, never, ever the leading lady.

When I hated my body, I called myself horrible names. I said I was vile, disgusting, wobbly, ugly. I’d been taught that this is how fat women talk about themselves.

When I hated my body, I thought weight loss was the answer to everything. If only I could be a little slimmer, I’d be happier, smarter, sexier, prettier, more confident. If I could fit in a size 10 then all the shit things in my life would be better.

When I hated my body, I used it as an excuse for all the things that went wrong. If I were thinner, it would all be fine.

When I hated my body, I pushed my husband away. How could he possibly fancy me when my thighs touched, my flesh hung down, my boobs flopped. I had learnt that men only fancy thin women, that beauty looked one way and that way was thin, toned, perfect.

When I hated my body, I hated myself.

Then I got really ill. Medication couldn’t control my IBD and I went into hospital. I was shitting 30 times a day and had a constant flow of blood pouring from my arse. The options were laid in front of me and surgery was my choice. I was cut open and my colon removed, my ileostomy was formed. I was broken, scarred and had to wear a bag of shit on my stomach at all times.

More and more surgeries came and more and more scars. My poor battered broken body looked so sad, it was scarred beyond belief and so weak.

It should have cemented my hatred for my body, but oddly something else happened. I felt pride. I felt that my body had been through so much and I was still standing! Slowly, I learnt a lot about myself, I learnt that I’d hated my fat body for so long and it was entirely unfair and unnecessary.

I learnt to love my body.

Now I love my body, I accept it for what it is, I like its solidness, I like my thighs, I think my scars are interesting and oddly beautiful.

Now I love my body, I realise that anyone shallow enough to dislike me for my size is not someone I want to spend time with. But generally I realised that no one gave a shit!

Now I love my body I know that my size has no relevance to my intelligence, my character, my humour, my awesomeness.

Now I love my body, I celebrate it. It’s brilliant, look at it dance, look at it swim, look at my belly rolls, they’re super cute. Look at my scars, they show that I’m a fucking badass. Look at my big arse, it is amazing!

Now I love my body, I can trust it to my husband. Who, by the way, it turns out never gave a shit what size it was.

Now I love my body, I can speak honestly about it. Yes, it’s a bit fat. I’m a size 16-18 and I’m not embarrassed by that. Sometimes I think I should lose a bit of weight, I worry about my hernia and know that if I was a little lighter it would be easier on the repairs they already did. I can say this from a practical and straightforward place, not one of shame.

Now I love my body, it makes me sad to see people around me hating theirs. I wish I could flick that switch and show them that they are brilliant and awesome and beautiful and their weight and shape has no bearing on who they are.

Now I love my body.

And that’s a great sentence to be able to write.
Love

Sam xxx

10 GREAT things about life with Inflammatory Bowel Disease

24th August 2015/11 Comments/in Blog/by sam

We all know that life with any chronic, lifelong illness sucks, when that illness is Inflammatory Bowel Disease in the form of Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s Disease, it is shitty! (Pun definitely intended). I am as guilty as everyone else in writing about all the negative aspects of this, I have spent two years doing just that, but I thought it time to write about the great things…

1. Regular new underwear. Well, when you end up abandoning pants in sanitary bins because you shit yourself, you have to replenish the stock! Make it some nice ones.

2. You know more about the workings of the digestive system than most people. Including doctors.

3. You sound like you’re carrying maracas in your bag due to all the meds rattling around. Make the most of it and shimmy as you walk.

4. You become the Poo Oracle of all your friends. Revel in the power of knowing about all your mates poo stories.

5. You know your way around your local hospital and so never get lost. You have been in most wards at some point, you could draw a map!

6. You have an excellent excuse to eat crap, beige food when you are in the mood. Yes, you need a mcdonalds, everything in there is on the low residue diet!

7. You have a sense of humour. Sometimes sick, sometimes inappropriate but when you have been through so much, you have to learn to laugh or you would cry.

8. People get so used to you looking rough that when you are well and scrub up, you look amazing and people comment.

9. You have the ability to teach those around you. About illness, invisible disability, compassion, love and positivity. Use it.

10. You know that life is precious. You have been through hell and are still standing! You know that no matter how tough life is, it is ALWAYS better than the alternative.

Sam x

A love letter to myself

10th November 2014/4 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Dear Sam,

This is a little awkward but here we go, this is a love letter to you because you need to hear this. Society tells us that it is immodest to love yourself and the marketing people of the world don’t want you to love yourself but after a really shitty year, let’s just go for it.

You have been through so much and I am really proud of you, you battled so hard and I am amazed that you have come through this experience a stronger person. Though at times you are frightened, angry and distressed, you have taken it all on board and made something amazing from a terrible situation.

I know you feel you have to always have a smile on your face, that you created this public face of positivity that sometimes makes it difficult to admit when you are struggling. But you have had to learn let yourself be sad, let yourself cry, let yourself be angry.

I love that you love your friends, that you care about them and try to be there, your kindness has been repaid 100 times over during your recovery and you are lucky to have such wonderful mates around you. I love that you want everyone to be happy but you know that sometimes you need to take some time for yourself.

You have learnt that you need to look after yourself, that your body is the only place you have to live, that means accepting it’s weaknesses and recognising when you need to stop and rest. You realise how important you are, and that you can’t help others if you are broken yourself.

I love that you have learnt to love your body, that you have accepted your new shape, your scars and your modified self with pride and joy. It hasn’t been an easy path but your new found happiness has not only benefitted yourself but has become a role model for others.

I love that after a long time of feeling that your career path was lost in the woods, that you have cleared the trees and discovered these strengths that you didn’t know you had. Your childhood dream of being a writer that you thought was a silly fantasy is coming true through your own hard work and you are carving your own career and making your own opportunities.

I love that you are silly. That you are ok with playing the fool and know that your laughter is far sexier than any pout. I love that you did a ropy poly across a dance floor just to see the look on all the “beautiful people’s” faces. I love that as you grow older and relax more, your humour grows without shame.

I love that you are learning that you can’t fix everyone and that sometimes, no matter how hard it feels, you need to cut people from your day to day life who don’t bring you anything positive. I love that you are learning that you shouldn’t be a doormat and that ‘no’ is a full sentence.

I love your interests in penguins, dinosaurs, collecting found shopping lists, learning about obscure, random things, knitting, reading and whatever else takes your fancy. I love that you like these things despite others mocking you for them. You know your interests should make you happy, not anyone else.

I love that you adore your children. That you accept that being a mother means constant adapting and learning, you know you aren’t a perfect mum but you try your best and know that is enough. I love that your children haven’t been scarred by your illness but it has taught them to be more empathetic, caring and open.

I love that you have found a man who makes every part of your life better. Though you have had really tough times over the last 16 years, the past year that would have broke some people has just brought you so much closer together. You are a lucky woman to have a person in your life who sees through everything and loves your soul.

I love that you are learning that the hard shell you put up for years didn’t just keep out the hurtful words but it kept out some good people and so you have learnt to drop the shield. Your path hasn’t always been easy and I know you have anger and hurt when you think of your youth but I love that you are learning to deal with that. You have been rough on yourself but you are learning to be kinder. I know you didn’t always feel like you had people to guide you towards making healthy decisions, but that has made you the person you are and I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made along the way.

Your decision to take the last difficult year of illness and recovery and make something positive of it is a real achievement. This love letter is just one way that you are hoping to teach others to love themselves and I hope you continue and make a difference to the lives of other people. I love that you blog your journey without shame or embarrassment in the hope that it will help others.

So here we come to the end of this awkward letter of self love, all I can finish with are the words of the great Dory.

Just keep swimming…

Love Sam xx

Time away in Spain

30th April 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Last week I had some time away in Spain, the stress of dealing with my stoma, the hernia and the upcoming surgery was just getting too much. I am a positive person but it was all getting me down, I was really weepy and just felt so down and sad. After hearing that my surgery was being postponed yet again I just had a bit of a breakdown, I felt so out of control and things just seemed too hard.

So my lovely husband suggested I have some time away, I looked at flights and then spoke to my wonderful Aunty and Uncle who live in Spain who very ,very kindly said I could spend a week with them.

I put aside the guilt that all mums feel as I was leaving my kids for a week, but I knew they were home safe and happy with their dad and so I packed a bag and headed off for a week in the sun.

My cousins were over with some of their friends visiting their mum and dad and so I had a lovely family break and really felt looked after. It was so nice to not have to look after other people for a week and to just have time looking after myself. I had such a fantastic, relaxing time.

I had a few times where I was really uncomfortable with my hernia but the joy of being away with no kids was that I could go and lie down and rest with no guilt at all! I also had a few stomach pains and a little dehydration but nothing that rest, plenty of fluids, a few painkillers and diarolyte couldn’t help.

I have come home with a new sense of positivity, feeling so much better and ready to face the next few tough months. My stress levels have dropped and I just feel stronger mentally and though Im still frightened about the surgery and recovery, a week away from real life has made everything seem a little easier.

Here are a few photos from my week away.

So this explains my absence for the last week, thanks so much for all your kind messages and emails.

Love Sam xxx

When you feel life is dragging you backwards…

7th April 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

When you feel life is dragging you backwards with difficulties, this quote really hit home today.

I came across this today and it made me remember to just stay positive.

Sam xxx

IWD talk at Barnsley Town Hall – Body Image and Self Esteem

11th March 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

On Saturday 8th March I was invited to talk at Barnsley Town Hall as part of International Women’s Day by Experience Barnsley. My talk was about my journey of ten years of chronic illness, surgery and living with a stoma. I talked about Ulcerative Colitis and how my colectomy and ileostomy affected my life.

It was about raising awareness, trying to stop poo being taboo and relating my story to the average woman. It was about body image, self esteem, confidence and positivity and how we need to both learn how to love ourselves as women and how to pass these things onto the young women of future generations.

Have a watch and please feel free to leave me a comment telling what you think.

Thanks for watching!

Sam xx

What to do when bad things happen

4th March 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

When bad things happen it is so easy to get into a spiral of feeling down, whether its something big like illness, relationship troubles or a relatively minor thing like your car won’t start or your best top gets boil washed and comes out small enough for a Barbie…

Feelings of sorrow, sadness, anger and frustration are normal but are they helpful? Focusing on the things that are going wrong in your life feeds the negativity. Try to focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Here are 10 things to do when bad things happen. Will they make everything better? Probably not, but will they make YOU feel better in that moment, I hope so.

1. Remember that you aren’t alone

Whatever your issue, you are not alone. The internet is a big place and there will always be someone else going through or come through what you are. I blog about my illness so much because when I was sick it helped me to read other peoples experiences. It gave me practical tips and ideas on how I could manage but it stopped me feeling quite so alone.

Talk to family and friends if you can, but if not there is a whole world of support waiting for you online if you just look. Asking for help is not failing, it is being sensible and accepting when you need a hand.

My one caveat to this is that forums can be depressing… people like to write about the bad times but are less likely to write about positive experiences, so if you feel that reading a forum is not helping just switch that shit off!

2 Take a deep breath

I would have titled this ‘Meditate’ or ‘Practice Mindfulness’ but those words turn off some people, they thing its hippyish or a bit silly. The reality is that focusing solely on your breathing clears your mind. Close your eyes and think about your in breath and your out breath. Are you breathing through your nose or mouth? Control your breathing, inhaling slowly and the gently release that breath…

This simple act WILL calm you down. I try to do this a couple of times a day, I find it really focuses my thoughts and makes my day calmer.

3 Knowledge is Power

I really believe that knowledge is power, it gives you control and allows to to make informed choices and rational decisions. If you feel out of control, everything seems worse. Google it. Go to the library. Ask someone. But learn about what it is you are going through.

4. Be kind to yourself

When life slaps you in the face you need to be kind to yourself. What makes you feel better? Is it a night out with the girls or a movie in with the kids? Do the thing that relaxes you and makes you feel good, whether that is cooking an amazing meal for yourself, going to the library and hiding there reading all afternoon, a deep bath with oils and bubbles or a pamper of painting your nails or having a facial.

I don’t know what makes you feel better, you do, so do it.

5. Hide away

Its ok to feel you need to hide away, as long as its only temporary. When things are bad I like to make myself a nest of cushions and duvets, I bring a picnic of foods to the nest that are easy to eat and need no cooking. I climb into my nest with a remote and watch films or tv series… I love Netflix (my friends laugh at me, because I talk about it a lot!) My hideaway means slobbing in a corner and allowing myself to switch off.

6. Things will get better

I saw this quote that said “Everything is ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end” Perhaps things won’t get better in the way you think they should but even the darkest night has a sunrise. Be open to new experiences, be positive and grateful for the things you have and things will get better.

7 Look for the love and kindness around you

No matter what the Daily Fail wants you to think, people are generally good. Of course there are arseholes in this life but most people have a heart filled with love and kindness if you just look for it.

Give out love and kindness to others and you will receive it back.

8 Get moving

I know its a cliche, but thats because it works. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins that trigger a positive feeling in the body. It is proven to reduce stress, ward off anxiety, boost self esteem and improve sleep. You don’t have to go to the gym or run a marathon, but a long walk in the woods with my dog always makes me feel a bit better about the world.

9 Get organised – gain control

You might not be able to control what has happened, but you can control how you react and deal with it. Making lists or having a clear out is a physical way to help your mind feel organised. I know that control is a big thing for me, if I feel out of control I get frustrated, angry and like Im in free fall. Organise your space, use pinterest, get a note book, anything that helps you feel organised is going to help.

10 Know that you always have a choice.

No matter what happens, you do have a choice in how you react. Accept responsibility of your own actions, educate yourself, take a deep breath and know that you can face the worst things in the world, your reaction to them is your own doing.

EE Cummings said “remember one thing only; that it’s you – nobody else – who determines your destiny and decides your fate. Nobody else can be alive for you; nor can you be alive for anybody else”

Sam xxx

Living with my ileostomy bag – Photo shoot

29th November 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I know I have been a little quiet of late but the honest reason is that life is all going quite smoothly at the minute. My stoma and ileostomy bag are behaving and life is getting back to normal… Actually better than how I was before as I no longer have any symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis. No pain, no meds and no constant running to the loo!

Living with a photographer has its benefits, one of which is having him on hand to photograph me when I ask! This shoot was kind of unplanned and was just around the grounds of our studio at The Picture Foundry. Our chickens are limelight whores and decided to jump into a few of the shots.

I think the shoot shows that Im in a good place at the minute, I feel relaxed, happy and kind of proud of my little bag.

Enjoy xx

Love Sam xx

15 ways to make your life happy

28th November 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

1. Make your own happiness a priority.

Your happiness matters. Everyone, but especially women tend to put other people’s happiness before our own. We make excuses for why we neglect our needs – we are too busy, too skint, too stressed out. If you don’t value your own happiness then no one else will. It is entirely possible to look out for your own needs and still care about your friends and family. If you are happy, you are more likely to spread happiness and care for those around you.

Think about what makes you happy. Now what would make me delirious would be to wake late, eat cake, drink wine and spend the day sunbathing somewhere hot and beautiful. Thats not realistic at this point in my life as I think my kids would have something to say about it! But what does make me happy is blogging, making pretty things, reading, watching a good film, open fires, sauvignon blanc, walking in the woods with the dog and my family, my chickens, a good meal with awesome friends, a lie in with Timm, going dancing with my friends, a full english breakfast… There is a LOT that makes me happy that costs little or nothing and that I make time for. Its easy to neglect your own desires but important that you don’t.

2. Spend time with people who make you happy

Who are the people you enjoy spending time with? Who make you happy, love, respect and appreciate you and who make you be a better person. If you surround yourself with negative people then your life will be filled with negativity, and the opposite is true also, being around positive, happy people make you aspire to be positive and happy.

Sometimes we can’t help who we have to spend time with, we may have work colleagues or family members who are Debbie Downers and we have to hang out with them at times. But in our social lives it is so important to keep awesome positive people around us. The ones who make us laugh, who are joyous to be around. Im not saying fill your life with Mary Poppins’, some of the people who make me happy are filthy minded, raucous and quite dark! But they are interesting and make me feel good about myself.

3. Take responsibility for your own life

This is a biggy for me, the trait I hate the most in people is refusing to take responsibility for their own lives. People who have constant excuses for their bad behaviour, who think it is always someone or something else’s fault. People who say “its alright for you because…”

Own your life. Own your mistakes. Live and learn and move on. The world doesn’t owe you anything, you make your own path through this world. Everyone faces hardships throughout their life but you can choose to be a martyr to your tough times or own the shit out of them and move forward a stronger person.

4. Be yourself. Everyone else is taken

Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Be true to yourself and be proud of the person you are. It’s easy to compare ourselves to others, the fact is there will always be someone thinner, smarter, prettier – but honestly? Who cares? Whatever part of yourself you admire the most, be that more. The parts you dislike about yourself, be that less…

Be proud of your quirks and weirdness, stand tall and proud and applaud your inner awesomeness!

5. Create your own happiness

No one else can change your life and make you truly happy. Choose positivity over negativity, smile because you can. Choose to be happy. Be happy with who you are right now and allow your joy to shape your present and your future. Do the things that make you happy more often, spend time with those who bring out your smile and create your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you may be waiting a long time.

6. Find the silver lining

This is a toughie. When you are going through a really tough time it is easy to slip into feeling defeated and that life is just too hard. We go through things in life that we think will break us, illness, bereavement, job loss, money troubles, and it can feel like there is no way to get through these times. The truth is we are stronger than we think.

It is important to look for the silver lining even if that is only the tiniest sliver of hope. When I was recovering from my bowel surgery and was in pain, I was feeling humiliated by leaking bags and the inability to care for myself. During that time I struggled to see the silver lining, but the reality of it was that I was no longer sick. My Ulcerative Colitis was gone, ten years of illness, pain and medication were now in my past.

If there is no silver lining in your situation, for example the death of a loved one, then try to count your blessings and be grateful of the good things in your life.

When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

7. Be kind

Be a kind person, one who is caring and thoughtful, who thinks of others and treats people with respect. Kindness breeds kindness. Its a simple one but so important, kindness sometimes is confused with being a doormat – this is bullshit. You can be a strong person who has a kind and loving heart.

8. Be open

Be open, share your thoughts and feelings with the people closest to you. If you are hurting then accept the hurt and allow yourself time to heal – let your loved ones in and be honest with them. A problem shared is a problem halved is a great saying, the act of speaking your troubles out loud can be of as much help as any advice you can receive. Becoming a more open person can lead to real happiness.

9. Let go of the past

Our pasts define who we are and we can learn lessons from the things we have gone through, but when your past is keeping you from moving forward it becomes a problem. We have all had tough experiences but if you are reliving the pain of this experience again and again and it is affecting your present then it is time to let go.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting what has happened or pretending it didn’t happen, it means letting go of the pain and resentment that is holding you back. This is easier in some situations than others, but be honest with yourself and if something from your past is affecting your present then it may be time to talk through those issues either with a trusted friend or family member or a trained therapist.

10. Take a chance

Last December my husband and I took a leap of faith, we sold our home and rented a 15th century mill to push our photography business forward. It was a risk, but a calculated risk. I knew that if there was a motto to live by (other than ‘If you can’t sing well, sing LOUD’) it was ‘I’d rather regret the things I did, than the things I didn’t do. We plotted and planned, did the sums a million times and then decided to take a chance. And it was the best thing we ever did, don’t get me wrong there have been some very tough times but throughout the year I knew we had made the right decision.

Life is not about getting a chance, it is about taking a chance. If there is something you have always dreamed of doing, then try to make it happen. If it works you will have achieved a goal, if it doesn’t you know you at least tried it and you WILL learn a lesson from it.

11. Be mindful

Live in the present, in the here and now. It is so easy to let busy lives, technology and procrastination take over our lives, but being mindful of the things around you can bring peace and happiness into your life. Take time to notice the things that are important in your life right now, experience life as it happens. Don’t dwell on the past or imagine how great things could be in the future. This moment is the only thing guaranteed to you in life, we never know what the future holds so enjoy today.

12. Concentrate on the things you can control, not the things you can’t

Worry and stress is a normal part of life but when your day is taken up with worrying about the things in life you cannot control it is a sign that things need to change. Worrying about things that are beyond your control is such a waste of your time and emotional energy.

Worry affects you, not the person or situation you are worrying about. If it is important to you and you can control the outcome and positively help a problem then great, if not then let it go. You have enough genuine problems to face in life without upsetting yourself with things beyond your control.

13. Face your problems and make a positive change

There’s no point in burying your head in the sand, if you have a problem you need to face it head on and make a positive change as no one is going to do it for you. The problem will not just disappear on their own without action from you, no problem is too big to overcome. It takes acceptance from you and then a plan, no matter how small the steps you need to do little and often and move it forward.

Some problems you will be able to overcome alone with a good old fashioned list and a bit of hard work. Others are bigger and need support from others. There is no shame in asking for help, whether it is the help of friends, family or a professional.

14. Appreciate the things you have

Perspective. There will always be someone better off than you and someone worse off than you. Learn to appreciate the things you have rather than worrying about the things you don’t. Im not saying we shouldn’t aspire to be greater than we are now, but just not to be so busy in thinking of the things you don’t have that you forget to appreciate all you do.

15. Love those around you

Appreciate and love those around you, bring joy to the people who mean the most by telling them how much they mean to you. Since my sister moved to Australia I end all our conversations with “love you!” I didn’t do this before she left but her moving half way around the world brought out something in me that makes me want her to know how much she means to me.

This isn’t about huge grand gestures, it is about personal, meaningful acts that let your friends and family know how awesome they are. A text message, sending a photo that you think they’ll find funny, a hug, a few words.

Love Sam xx

I am an IBD Warrior, hear me roar…

10th November 2013/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

When I was in hospital after my surgery I happened upon the hashtag IBD Warrior and seeing and reading other people’s IBD journeys, their struggles and ultimately the way they overcome what is such a shit illness inspired me and gave me the strength to move forward and to blog about my own journey.

So when I had my stoma photo shoot, we also did quite a few other photos with different styles. The last few months have been tough but through it all I have tried to stay strong, keep fighting, be a kick ass woman and an IBD Warrior.

We all have an inner strength, sometimes that strength shows itself through having to fight for your life, sometimes its in a quiet confidence, at other times it is having to speak out for what is right or in being strong enough to just get through bad times one day at a time. Even when we feel weak and defeated, we have within us the ability to adapt, to change and to move forward. Sometimes it is easier to find than others. Sometimes its so hard to find that we have to speak to friends or family and borrow a little bit of their strength till we can remember where our own warrior is hiding.

The next time I feel frightened and like the world is against me Ill look at these shots and remind myself of how far I have come and that I am an IBD warrior. Hear me roar…

All photography by Timm Cleasby at The Picture Foundry

Love Sam xx

Tag Archive for: positivity

When I hated my body

10 GREAT things about life with Inflammatory Bowel Disease

A love letter to myself

Time away in Spain

When you feel life is dragging you backwards…

IWD talk at Barnsley Town Hall – Body Image and Self Esteem

What to do when bad things happen

Living with my ileostomy bag – Photo shoot

15 ways to make your life happy

I am an IBD Warrior, hear me roar…

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