Posts

When your child is gay…

Last year my child told us they were pan-sexual.

At the time, though it was a surprise, I felt no different, I was pleased they knew they could talk to me and I was happy to know they felt comfortable enough to be themselves in a difficult and sometimes prejudiced world, but honestly? My thought process didn’t go much further than that.

Over a year on I thought I’d share my feelings about having a gay child and how my feelings have changed.

Well, one thing has been them telling me they were non-binary. I’ll be totally honest here, I really wasnt too sure what that meant. But after some googling and talking to my child about it, I have a much better understanding.

Theyre now 15 (how has this happened so quickly?! I’m sure I was changing nappies and freaking them out by watching Death Becomes Her only yesterday!!!) They prefer the pronouns they and them and sometimes I struggle with this. Not so much with the they/them but more when I’m describing them as my child.

Daughter or son flows off my tongue so much easier than child, I sometimes feel child or kid sounds less emotional, if that makes sense? I feel a bit like a Victorian mother saying “my child has done….”

Our relationship has never been closer, and the same goes with my husband. They share lots of things about their life (as much as any 15 year old does!) and we talk about anything and everything. (Including an in depth discussion about how a threesome with two men and one woman actually works!)

The biggest change for me has been how protective I feel.  Of course I am momma bear with all my kids, but it’s opened my eyes to the amount of bigotry that is all around me and I want to stand in front of them and protect them from ever hearing or seeing these things. I want to wrap a big blanket around us both and bat away any horrid or stupid or ignorant comments.

I know I can’t do this. And it hurts me to my soul.

I know they will face ignorant and hateful people throughout their life. I know people who don’t understand or don’t want to understand will push them away. I know that they will hurt sometimes.

I also know that those bigots will miss out on knowing one of the most amazing human beings on earth. My child is so kind, loving, funny, deep, silly, loyal, sensitive and fucking awesome.

Seriously, they’re my hero and make me want to be a better person every day.

I see things I didn’t see before. I see more of the comments on social media, not so much that they’re openly homophobic or hateful, more the snide comments that suggest anyone who isn’t cis gender is something of an attention seeker. Or that they’re something to be joked about and mocked. The comments or images where gender is questioned or laughed at.

Ive also opened myself up to a whole new world (for me) of language and understanding of gender and sexuality, I’m learning new terms and gaining a better understanding. This can be a bit scary, I feel afraid as a heterosexual cis gender woman to ask questions sometimes.

I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and upset someone, I don’t want to look like a tourist! But I think it’s important for me to educate myself so I can understand my child.

I even worry about posting this. I don’t want to put my voice above my child’s but I have always talked about being a mum on this blog and it seems worse to not talk about this than to be open. As with all my posts about my kids, they get to read and veto anything they’d rather I didn’t say publicly though.

Though my instinct is to stand in front of my child to fend off any negativity, I think the thing I’ve learnt is that I can’t do that. But I can stand right beside them, with my hand on their shoulder and my love in their heart so they know whatever they face in life, momma bear will always be right with them.

 

Love Sam xx

 

This boy

This boy

We never had wedding vows of in sickness and in health.  Instead our Elvis minister asked us if we swore never to leave each others blue suede shoes out in the rain.

viva las vegas wedding

But he’s aways there by my side.

He puts my tablets in shot glasses with little stickers with times written on them.

He kisses me and holds me close when I cry through pain, frustration or sadness.

He goes to all my hospital appointments with me because he knows I forget what they’ve said as soon as I walk out.

He doesn’t mind when I’m too tired to do anything but lay in bed. And will lay right there with me.

sam and timm cleasby

He runs me a bath, sits on the floor and washes me when it’s all just too much.

He makes me laugh when I am sad.

He comes to my events to support me and never complains about the hours waiting for me.

He works so damn hard to make sure our family has all we need.

Through every surgery he is there.

Through every recovery, he does it all.

Through the toughest of times, he sticks fast by my side.

sam and timm cleasby

Through the darkest of times, he sits under a duvet cave with me whispering and kissing.

He washes the sheets and my clothes when my bag leaks.

He helps me do my hair when my arms don’t have the strength.

He loves me even when I don’t feel worthy of love.

He wants me to be the best version of me that I can.

Wedding renewal

He runs around Ikea with me playing and making fake photo shoots.

He brings McDonald’s and makes a picnic on our bed with all the kids when I’m too sick and tired to cook.

He tells me I’m beautiful even when my hair is falling out and I’m too tired to shower and I’m wearing pyjamas.

He cries with me and tells me that no, it’s not fucking fair.

Love and relationships

He listens to my crazy plans and never tells m they’re crazy, he tells me to get planning.

At night when I can’t sleep, he gives me his hand so I can lay with my fingers on the pulse in his wrist because though it’s batty, he knows it calms me down.

When I’m too tired to go out on Valentines Day, he orders room service and beers and we have them in bed.

He once stole a wheelchair and kidnapped my from hospital so I could sit with the sun on my face.

Sam Cleasby Timm Cleasby

This year, we will celebrate being together for 20 years, and though I never thought it possible, I love him more every day.

This boy. He is my everything.

And he’s never, ever left my blue suede shoes out in the rain.

 

Sam xx

The best moment in your life

Someone recently asked me what was the best moment in my life, and I thought about it and realised how blessed I am to have so many to choose from.

Of course, the birth of my three kids were amazing, I think especially my first son as it was that life defining moment when I became a mother.  The kids changed our lives forever, they are just the best three people, they are smart, funny, loving, caring, sensitive and have beautiful souls, we couldn’t be prouder of them all and there are thousands of memories of amazing moments through their lives that have brought me so much joy.

My wedding days, yes multiple! We married in Las Vegas at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel by Elvis which was so much fun. And then we renewed our vows after ten years in a ceremony at home in our garden. Both of these were so special.

At our first wedding, we booked this amazing suite at the MGM grand, it had a hot tub and the biggest bed I’ve ever seen, it was super romantic. We had two kids when we married, Charlie was 3 and Ellie was 15 months old, the day of the wedding Ellie was sick, she’d cried all day and just wanted to be held and it was so stressful! My mum was supposed to be having them overnight so we could have a wedding night alone but she called to say she couldn’t cope with Ellie being poorly and so we picked up both kids. Our wedding night was spent with the kids playing in the hot tub and then all four of us ordered room service, got in the huge bed and watched Peter Pan. I suppose some might think it ruined things, but honestly, that moment of snuggling together and for the first time all having the same surname was perfect.

viva las vegas wedding

Our wedding renewal was one of the best days of my life, it was just perfect and I wish I could relive it! It was heaven, but there was a moment when all the guests had gone home (or passed out in the house!), it was quiet, 3am and after a whirlwind of a day, it was finally just me and Timm, I took off my shoes and got muddy stockings, Timm got a blanket and two glasses of champagne and we laid in a hammock together under the stars. That moment was pretty wonderful.

moody wedding photo bride with pick hair sequin dress

But there is one moment that is just my favourite. It’s the moment where if I had to live forever in it, I think I’d be happy.

Timm and I went to Vegas for a friends wedding a few years ago, we flew into LA and drove to Vegas. We stopped a night in a place called Pioneertown, Timm had been there before when he was touring and was desperate for me to see it. We got there late at night and so there wasn’t much to see, there’s one tiny motel and we crashed in bed exhausted.

pioneer town motel

We woke super early, it was still dark but jet lag kicked in and we were wide awake. Timm grabbed his jeans and I pulled on my boots and a hoodie with my nightie and we went outside as the sun started to rise. As we left our room I got my first glimpse of this amazing view, we were in the desert and I looked out on a street that could have been straight out of an old school western movie.

We went to the back of the motel and all we could see was sand, cacti and the biggest sky I’ve ever seen. There was so much sky, and as the sun slowly rose, it was every shade of pink and orange, no artist has ever painted anything as beautiful as that sky. We sat on a rock, hand in hand in silence, just watching the most perfect sunrise over a vista of empty space. No cars, no buildings, no people, just silence, nature and beauty.

pioneer town pappy and harriets

I looked back and found I had taken a picture of this morning, it’s not the best! We both look ever so tired and a bit rough and it doesn’t do the view justice at all!! But this is it, this is my best moment.

If there was one place I could go back to, Pioneertown would be it.  Ive had such a tough few years, five surgeries and one more to go, all the treatments and recovery, the anxiety, the depression… There have been times where I just didn’t know whether I would make it, but in the darkest of times thinking about the joy and love at the Pioneertown Motel kind of kept me going.  We plan to go back, I am not sure when, it is hard to plan too much when you are in and out of hospital but one day, Timm and I will be back under that sky.

sam and timm cleasby pioneer town us

I did some meditation recently and it suggested you imagined a place of peace, beauty and happiness and as I closed my eyes, my mind went straight to that moment, that place, that perfect moment.

 

What is your best moment? Let me know.

 

Sam xx

19 years ago in The Leadmill…

19 years ago in The Leadmill nightclub in Sheffield I met Timm.  I’ve told the story before but I had seen him the week before and not had the confidence to say hi, then I spied him in the DJ box working, my friend Liz went and said to him “my mate fancies you” and the rest, as they say, is history!
Sam and Timm Cleasby

I can’t believe we’ve been together so long!!! I don’t feel old enough to have been with someone for 19 years. I’ve been with Timm for longer in my life than I haven’t.

Its not been an easy ride, he worked away as a tour manager for the first 12 years of our relationship which took its toll. It’s hard to stay close when you’re apart for months at a time but we got through it.

We had three kids in 4 1/2 years so there were manic times where we barely had time for one another but we had a blast. We’re not perfect parents, we rarely do things by the book but we love our babies more than anything and we are a great team.

Sam and Timm Cleasby

Timm was my first love, I was only 17 when we met and my life was chaotic, we had a crazy couple of years of fun and silliness before we had Charlie in 2000, followed by Ellie in 2003 and Thom in 2005. We’ve had 6 houses in that time, job changes, times when money was tight, travels around the world, good times and bad.

We married in Las Vegas in 2004 at the Viva Las Vegas chapel by Elvis and renewed our vows in 2014 at home in a garden ceremony with all our family and friends.

Sam and Timm Cleasby

The past few years have been the toughest of our lives, my ulcerative colitis really took hold of my body and I had my first surgery in 2013 to remove my colon and had my first ileostomy. Since then I’ve had 4 more surgeries and Timm has been my rock.

There have been times when I’ve told him to leave me, when it’s been so hard that I couldn’t bear to put him through it any more. But he’s always been right by my side.

We make a good team, Timm and I, and though it sounds cheesy, we are closer and more in love now than ever before. Something happens when you’ve been together so long, you know eachother inside and out and the level of comfort and safety really kicks in. That’s not to say things are boring, nor do we take eachother for granted but life just becomes easier.

Of course we argue, we fall out and disagree, there are times when we scream and shout, when we get the face on and ignore eachother. I don’t think anyone can be together for so long without there being times of conflict. But we are learning all the time how we can best sort out our arguments.

Everything honestly is better when we are a team, when we fall out, it feels like life is just tougher to deal with. When we are side by side, I feel I can take on the world.

19 years have passed in a heartbeat, I still remember the feeling of butterflies in my stomach as he handed me this chipped Leadmill mug of champagne all those years ago.

Timm, you’re my everything. I wouldn’t be here without your continuing love, support and piss taking. You make me laugh, you deal with all my illness and surgeries with a shrug like it’s no big deal, you hold my hand when I’m struggling and you listen to me when I can’t bear to say things to anyone else.

 

We joke that some things are NSFT (Not Safe For Timm) because he cries at anything remotely emotional. I take the piss out of him for this but I secretly love it. As he has got older he is so much more open with his feelings, he has dealt with a lot during the past few years and sometimes I forget just how hard it has been for him. But it has made him softer and more loving, and that has to be a good thing.

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

 

We don’t always do gifts but this year I saw this and couldn’t not get it, from The Night Sky who create star maps of certain locations and times, this is the night sky over Sheffield 19 years ago today, these are the stars we looked at on the night we met, the night it all began.

The night sky Sheffield stars

I  so lucky to have grown up with my best friend, 19 years of laughter, being proper daft, of loving and crying and facing all the shit that life has thrown at us.

Cleasby, happy anniversary bubs xxx

The Ostomistic Life

Earlier this year, I was asked to feature in the quarterly online magazine The Ostomistic Life and I totally forgot to share it with you guys!

Take a look here, I am on pages 12-15.

the ostomistic life sam cleasby ostomy blogger IBD health invisible illness chronic illness magazine

My perfect family… Glastonbury 2017

“You have such a perfect family!”

I got told this after sharing photos of our trip to Glastonbury this year and so I thought I would share a few pics of my perfect family.  We never argue, the kids are always on perfect behaviour, our home is a sanctuary of calm, peace and love.  There is never a raised voice, never a curse word muttered.  We all just live in harmony.

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

I mean, of course, that is all bullshit.  When I got told how perfect my family are based on these images, it made me think about how we come across on social media.

Yes, we had a wonderful time but I didn’t take photos of the guilt I felt when I had to nap every day. I didn’t take photos of the ostomy bag leak and me crying my eyes out. I didn’t take photos of the arguments the kids had or the time my eldest lost my youngest in a festival or the anxiety attack I had at 4am. I didn’t take photos of the difficulties of raising teenagers and the conflicts they are going through. 

I didn’t take photos of three kids in a car, arguing over who is manspreading leading on to a battle over why the term man spreading is or isn’t sexist and a discussion about who had the biggest balls.  Nor did I photograph the sheer anxiety of letting your 16 year old into a mosh pit alone, or the look on the youngest’s face when he found out the big two didn’t want to take him to see a band.

I didn’t take photos of my worries that my hernia was returning or the feelings of sadness and fear I had despite having this lovely family time. Or the struggles in keeping a relationship going through years of chronic illness.

I love my family, they are wonderful and I am so lucky to have them. But photos on social media only show the best of times so when you have those feelings of worry when you see everyone else having a seemingly perfect life, remember that we are all fighting our own battles and comparison to others is unhealthy and really doesn’t help!

Are my family perfect? Hell no!!!! But we get through each day and share the happy photos to celebrate the times it goes well.

  Sam

Should I be honest when you ask me if I’m ok?

For the longest time, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I said “fine thanks!” It’s bright, breezy and if we are honest, what most people want to hear.  

Lots of people I know in the real world read this blog, and so when I see them, I think they feel they have to ask after my health. Being British and having the polite factor drummed into me, I respond with the usual answers of “good, how are you?” “Fine, thank you” and “not too bad!”.  

Sometimes I see the confusion in their faces and realise that they’ve probably just read a heart wrenching description of my mental health and that I shat myself that morning. (Oh the joys of being an oversharing Blogger!) 


It’s a worry when you have a chronic illness that you are going to become too much for those around you, that it must be hard that you are always ailing with something.  I worry that people will get bored of me and my illness, that they wish I’d just be better and stop banging on about it! 

I also feel pressure to be sunny and positive, I think sometimes people expect it of me because of writing this blog. I feel I have to be a shiny, happy person and not talk about all the many negatives. 

It got me thinking about why I say “fine” when I’m anything but fine. And I think some of it is embarrassment, some is habit and some is my issue of opening up to people unless it’s in the written word or if I’m standing in front of an audience! Yes, I realise that’s quite fucked up. 

So I thought I would start trying to be honest when I’m asked how I am. The results have varied! Most people seem taken aback when I say “I’m not great to be honest, I’m back and forth to the hospital and it’s really getting me down” I think it shocks them to get a genuine response to an everyday, casual question. 

When this happens I feel a bit embarrassed and that I’m flaunting some unwritten rule that I should have a stiff upper lip, nod and enquirer how they are doing without actually wanting to know the answer. 

But I’ve also had some great responses, from those who are asking because they care. In that fleeting moment where I tell them that I’m struggling and they reach out, touch my shoulder, tell me that they’re there for me if I need anything. Those interactions feel so real and genuine and human. 

So you’ve been warned. I’m going to try and be honest from now on. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask! 
Sam xx 

Dear tea lady,

Dear Tea Lady,

I am so sorry that I don’t know your name, but every time we have met (which has been probably 20 times over the past three and a half years!) I have been dreadfully ill and self indulgent.  I do genuinely feel bad that I can’t remember your name as you have been one of the most important people in my recovery.  But I’m going to blame the drugs.

So dear Tea Lady of the Northern General hospital, I wanted to write a big thank you letter to you.  I have had 4 of my 5 surgeries at your hospital and benefitted from the wonderful care of top surgeons, consultants, anaesthetists, specialists, registrars, doctors, students, nurses and support workers.  All of these people gave me the most brilliant support and health care, I am so lucky to live in the UK and get free at the point of care, world class treatment.

I have had my colon removed, an ostomy created, a jpouch created, a jpouch removed, two hernias fixed, a rectum and anus removed and another ostomy created.  I have also spent weeks and weeks in hospital receiving medication, treatment, blood transfusions and care.

hospital pouch ibd ulcerative colitis

But you know the person who made me feel so much better every day? Yep, it was you!

I saw my consultant for a couple of minutes on their morning rounds, the doctors if something is going wrong, nurses through the day who are so busy and overworked and though I am sure they would like to spend a little more time with patients, they just can’t, I saw support workers, specialists and that huge team for the surgeries themselves.  Yet it was your face that made me smile several times a day.

You make your rounds with your tea cart and after day one, take the time to remember, not only my name, but also how I take my tea! It is a small yet important part of my hospital day, a little feeling of personal care and a reminder of home.

You made me feel special, when you spend a lot of time in hospital, you very quickly become institutionalised, it’s so easy to end up feeling like a number.  But you made me feel like a person, a person who likes their tea strong, yet milky and with one sugar.

I wonder if you know just how important your role is? Do you understand that you become a part of so many people’s recovery story.  You are the person I saw the most, a constant, nurses change from shift to shift, you only see doctors if something is going wrong, yet you are the person I saw several times a day, every day.  Your days off is always a sad one.

And so I want to thank you.

Thank you for all the tea, thank you for the extra biccies on the evenings where you thought I looked like I needed them, thank you for remembering me, thank you for knowing I am a person, not just a patient, thank you for the times you noticed I looked sad and came and touched my hand and made eye contact, thank you for taking your time to speak to me, thank you for the magazines you brought over when I was bed ridden, thank you for telling me about yourself, thank you for the gossip, thank you for being wonderful.

Tea Lady, you are awesome. (And I am really sorry that I can’t remember your name)

Sam xx

How to cope when your child isn’t heterosexual 

So recently, our daughter told us that she has a girlfriend and so I thought I’d do a little post about how to cope with this news.

I’m kidding, coping means dealing with a difficult situation. I don’t need to cope with this, it just is and it makes no difference at all to our relationship!

My daughter is an awesome human being, she is kind, caring, funny, intelligent, curious, exciting, passionate, loving, brave, beautiful and a total badass warrior queen.  She makes me so happy and proud for all of these reasons and so her relationships bear no relevance to how I feel about her.

All I have ever wanted is for my children to be happy.  And my role in her coming out is to ensure that she knows that we love and support her in all that she does.

We’ve talked a lot, she’s very open and honest with us and so we give her the same respect back. I have told her that as a heterosexual woman, I can’t know how she feels, but that I am willing to listen, learn and support.  I ask questions, I hear her answers and tell her that though I may not know the answer to any questions she might have, that I can damn sure try to find out.

I told her that as her mum, I hope she can always come to me, but if she feels she can’t, we can talk about adults who she can trust and speak to in privacy.

Has it changed anything? Certainly not in our relationship apart from me realising that she is growing up and dating.  Does it change anything for me personally? I suppose I feel more sensitive to comments I hear about sexuality and homophobia. I have lots of LGBTQ+ friends and would stand up with them against prejudice but it’s probably made me more aware of that prejudice.

when your child is pansexual

It made me check my privilege and realise that my sexuality isn’t questioned by others. That I never worry about holding hands with my partner or showing affection in public. It makes me realise that my sexuality is never an issue for people or up for discussion.

I suppose I do feel slightly more protective to her, I want to be able to shield and defend her from any comments that will upset her.

Some responses I have had, or others have told me about have been:

“It’s a difficult life she will have now”

“Oh, but you’ll never have a big white wedding for her”

“Is it a phase?”

“What about grandchildren?”

“She’s very young to make these choices”

I find these all pretty bonkers.  The wedding and children ones make zero sense. Firstly, I never assumed that she would marry or have children, she may choose not to do either whatever gender her partner is.  And those are things that can happen whoever she is with!

“Is it a phase?” She has told us she is pansexual, this means you are attracted to the person, not the gender. So she may date men, women or transgender men or women in the future. She says she doesn’t know what her future holds but she doesn’t want to rule anything out.  So if by phase, you mean, could she date men in the future, the answer is yes. If you mean, is she trying something new, the answer is yes, this is new.  It makes me uncomfortable for others to question her motives, it’s kind of none of your business.

“It’s a difficult life she will have.” Fuck, life IS difficult! But I’m fairly certain it is more difficult to live a life where you hide your true feelings.  Could she face prejudice in her life. Of course. She’s a woman. It’s going to happen regardless of who she dates.  Does adding pansexuality to the mix mean she could face more prejudice? Yes. But that really is society’s issue and not her burden to bear.

“She’s very young to make these choices” Sexuality isn’t a choice. I never made a conscious decision to be straight, it’s just who I am and it’s the same for her. She isn’t making choices, she is expressing her feelings.

when your child is pansexual

As a half Indian, disabled, working class woman, I have had my fair share of prejudice and it’s not a nice feeling to know others are judging you on aspects of yourself that you have no control over and the same goes for my daughter and her sexuality.

Are you allowed your opinion? Of course! But I’ll warn you now, never bring a negative opinion about this onto my child. Because I’ll go mama bear on your ass and it won’t be pretty…

The only genuine advice I would give to any parents who have recently found out their child is LGBTQ+ is to be open, genuine and accept that you may not be the only person your child needs right now, get googling, there are support groups for kids who may want to talk, my daughter is going to an LGBTQ+ youth club.  Also remember that this isn’t about you.  It’s about them so make them the centre of your thoughts and feelings.

I think something my daughter has appreciated is that we are asking her questions, she’s the only expert of how she is feeling and so I am treating her as such.  In doing this, we can show her that we accept, appreciate and listen to her and that we know we can learn from her.

I am very proud of her, she is a fantastic person and always has been, her passion for learning, kindness of spirit and beautiful soul have ensured that pride.  Yet now Pride has a capital letter in our relationship because her pansexuality is something that changes nothing between us, yet is a huge part of who she is.

So here’s to my daughter, my wonderful, hilarious, intelligent, pansexual queen of a daughter.
Sam xx 

Finding out who your friends are

Chronic illness has a lot of downsides. A LOT!  Apart from the physical effects, the surgeries, the time in hospital and the emotional and mental effects, it can massively effect your social life and friendships. 
I think it really does show who your friends are though.  I get that my illness has gone on for a long time, I know this more than anyone. I know it must be hard to be friends with me at times, I’m not the worlds most reliable person after all. I cancel on plans at the last minute and there’s times where I am so unwell that I can’t be there for the people I care about. 

But it makes me really sad that there are friends who sometimes seem to forget about me.  Maybe they are fair weather friends, only there when I have something to give back, only there when I am able to be fun and go out.  Or maybe they just don’t know what to say to me? 

I know it’s not just me too. I get a lot of messages from readers who are facing the same thing and are unsure of how to deal with it which is why I decided to write this post.  I don’t want to sound self obsessed or bitchy but it is definitely an issue for people with long term health conditions. 

Scope did a poll where they found that two thirds of people feel awkward around disability. Perhaps the same applies to illness?  Maybe people are worried about the right or wrong thing to say? Maybe they’re concerned about offending? 

I understand that feeling of being scared to say the wrong thing. Of worrying about sticking your foot in it and saying something that may upset the other person. But dude, just do it. Send a message, pick up the phone, arrange a visit. 

I try to see the best in others, I think it’s better to assume the best in people rather than thinking the worst and so I try and think of reasons behind this behaviour.  Perhaps they’re just really busy, they have their own shit to be dealing with.  It’s easy to slip your mind when your life and struggles take over.  Maybe they don’t know what to say or they are having their own issues? 

I have some amazing friends who I couldn’t cope without, who are always there for me.  They put themselves out to come and look after me, cook and clean when I can’t.  They visit, call and text and those people I am truly grateful to. 

I know it’s tough being my friend.  I know there are these vast time periods when I am so ill that I can give you nothing back. Believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that there are times when our friendship is one way, I’m sorry that sometimes I need more than I can give.  But know that as broken as I may be, I am loyal and loving and kind and when my stupid, bloody illness allows, I will be there for you too. 

Sam xx