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The Unknown

They found this thing.  They called it a shadow and then slipped the word ‘mass’ into the conversation later.  I wasn’t expecting it, I had nervously laughed and chatted through the first part of the test and then the woman, the doctor, testing person, her, she went quiet.  She asked me to hold still and stopped talking about her daughter’s shop that she thought Id love.  She stopped making that casual conversation that makes the fact she is looking up my arse slightly less embarrassing.

There is this ‘thing’ in my rectal tissue.  I don’t know what it is.  She mentioned it could be an abscess but said I needed to talk to my consultant.  The mood changed really rapidly and I was so surprised that I just gathered my things and left.  I didn’t ask any questions or query what she was saying.  I didn’t do any of the sensible things, I just felt really hot and the word ‘cancer’ was all over me.  I could hear it whispering in my ear, feel it nudging me like I was walking through a bustling crowd of it.

She didn’t say cancer.  She never said the word.  I keep thinking Im imagining the whole thing.  She said she couldn’t say anything more and the consultant would look over the results as soon as possible and come back to me.

The logical part of my head is saying in a matronly manner ‘This, Samantha, is you over thinking it all.  It will most likely be an abscess or something easily treatable.  No one has suggested cancer.  Wind your neck in and stop being dramatic.”

I left the hospital and drove aimlessly, I ended up in a carpark at a shopping centre, driving round to find a parking space, only once I found one I realised I didn’t need to go shopping.  I drove to the old house where Timm was working and he chatted away.  He stopped and looked at me and said “Everything OK?” “Yeah!” I replied.

Then “No bubs, they found something”

His face fell.  I explained and he held me tight.  Said it would all be fine and we needed to not get ahead of ourselves.  I could feel his fear in his pounding chest, it was banging against mine giving away his anxiety whilst his face and words were soothing and calm.

I did a bad thing.  I took a photo of the screen when she left the room for me to get changed.  She had even asked me not to when I had asked if I could – “The consultant needs to see this first” she gently explained.  Then I did a lot of bad things.  I googled and googled and googled.  I dismissed the need for years of medical training and diagnosed myself online.

I know this is bad. It is ridiculous and if I were hearing this from another person I would tell them to STOP FUCKING GOOGLING.

You know the funny thing is, that the ultrasound of a rectum is surprisingly beautiful.  It looks like a lunar eclipse surrounded by galaxies.  It looks like a black and white Van Gogh sun.  It looks a lot nicer than you would imagine…

Today I am losing my mind thinking about what it could be, and so I called my consultants secretary only to be told that he is away till Monday and that the results would take a day or two to get to him anyway.  She put me through to the clinic where Id had the test but they said the woman is also away till Monday.  I imagine them both together, sunning themselves on a Caribbean island drinking cocktails with their heads thrown back laughing.

And so it is a waiting game for this unknown.  I am telling myself over and over again that it all will be fine, that the chances are that it is an abscess or something that can be dealt with easily.  Im pushing the word cancer out of the front of my mind, cramming it into a dusty trunk hiding at the back of my skull that contains the clowns and frogs.

I am on the verge of tears.  Im so frightened.  I keep thinking ‘Are you fucking kidding me? Have I not dealt with enough?’ It is so easy to wind yourself into a state of panic, but the words I use to comfort me are becoming a mantra, when I feel the panic rising and beginning to swallow me I repeat “It will be fine” over and over again.

Perhaps it really is nothing, perhaps they will look at it and shrug, something totally treatable and all A-OK.  I feel that these bad thoughts of something sinister is just fanning the flames of drama, I need to stop that right now and not let my brain go into over drive.  Because at this minute, everything is ok, no one is suggesting the things that are flooding through my brain, only me.

And so I will wait till Monday and speak to my consultant then.  Until then I just have to try and keep that trunk locked up tight and not let my imagination run wild.

 

Sam xx

UPDATE – my lovely consultant dropped me an email to say that it’s “Highly unlikely to be anything but need to see scans” and to try not to worry. I’ll update again when I hear more news xxxx

Surgery news

I have had a couple of pre op dates through and we are definitely working towards my pouch surgery being in April.  On 26th March I have to go in for a test of the muscles in my arse (nice!) and I have my pre op date for 9th April (Happy birthday Timm!)

The first test is called Anorectal Manotmetry, it is a test used to assess how well the muscles and nerves in and around your rectum are working, so that doctors know they are strong enough to deal with the pouch surgery.  I will also have an ultrasound.

j pouch surgery

Image from Colorectal Surgeons Sydney

The following information is from the NHS website.

“The test uses a device that looks like a small thermometer with a balloon attached to the end. This is inserted into your rectum and the balloon is inflated. It may feel unusual, but it is not uncomfortable or painful.

A machine is attached to the device, which measures pressure readings taken from the balloon.

During the test you will be asked to squeeze, relax and push your rectum muscles at certain times. You may also be asked to push the balloon out of your rectum in the same way that you push out a stool. The information is sent to the pressure-measuring machine, and gives an idea of how well your muscles are working.

The balloon can also be inflated to different sizes to determine when your rectum feels full. If the balloon is inflated to a relatively large size but you do not feel any sensation of fullness, it may mean there are problems with the nerves in your rectum.”

I am not looking forward to this test as you can imagine, but after ten years of Ulcerative Colitis I have had so many tests and doctors looking in my butt that little embarrasses me any more!

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

The next appointment is for my pre operative assessment where they go through consent and make sure Im informed, do blood tests and any other tests that need doing.  Ill be screened for MRSA and they will just go through the information I need to know about when to go nil by mouth, when and where to come in to hospital etc.  I am not sure what the time between pre op and surgery actually is, I had a google and some people say its days before and others say it could be a month or more.  But my surgeon has said my op will be in April so we’ll just have to see.

And so that is where I am up to, everything is being booked and we are steaming ahead.  Ill most probably have a pouch in the next month and to be honest I am terrified.  But that is for another post as I can’t get those words out right now.

Sam xx