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Gratitude

I don’t want this to sound twee, but today I am writing about gratitude. Finding the things in your life to feel grateful for even when everything feels rubbish.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when we all need to wallow in that swamp of woe. We need time to feel those feelings and accept them. It is healthy for us to look at the negative stuff going on around us. Sometimes we all just need to have a big cry/scream/shout/snotty tantrum.

Also there are times when we just can’t ‘pull ourselves together’. I have been in that pit of depression where I could barely hold my head up, let alone start searching for the things in my life to be grateful for.

But sometimes, it can really help when we are feeling down and in the shit, to think about the good things in our life.

Gratitude

At the minute, I am still trying to come to terms with the traumatic experience I had during and after my last surgery in February. And it is easy for me to slide further and further into the quicksand of despair. I find myself instantly taken back to certain moments around my recovery and the panic hits me. I put on a nightie and all of a sudden I was in the moment of wearing that nightie and having an NG tube pushed down my nose and throat. I swear I could feel it and my chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe. I burst into tears. All because of that nightie.

I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night and I just was back in the moment where I was vomiting litres of bile and my kidneys were shutting down. I thought I was going to die and all I could think was about the kids not having to see my dead body in the house. And I am there. I have time travelled back to that point. It is terrifying.

So I have been trying to avoid thinking about it. To not remember being in hospital. Because it is scary and it hurts. I mean, it’s not working! I have no control over these memories that pop into my head just to scare the pants off me.

So instead I am trying to remember the good bits. As small as those bits were, they were there. And it was all about the people around me.

People

My friend Hannah came to visit me in hospital, we have been friends for almost 30 years. She had heard that I was upset that my hair was dirty. I’d not really been able to wash properly, I had bed baths but couldn’t wash my hair. She came to see me and helped me to have a bath. She washed my hair like I was a child. I was so vulnerable and weak, I couldn’t do anything for myself. Weirdly, now I think about how laid bare I was, but she didn’t make me feel embarrassed. It was so loving and sensitive. I am truly grateful to her for being there for me in such a time of need.

I am grateful to my friend Caroline who visited me at my lowest and my worst. Who allowed me to cry and tell her my fears without judgement. She held my hand and let me be. She has been there through every surgery, every recovery and every time has kept me going. She has seen the worst of me and still loves me. She is my soul mate.

I am grateful to Sarah who not only has looked after me, but after my family. She cleaned the house, cooked meals for the family and took the kids out to take their minds of it. She visited me in hospital and at home and has been so kind, patient and hilarious. It meant the world for her to be thinking of Timm and the kids in a time where I didn’t have the energy to. She came and just laid in bed with me when I came home. No expectations, not a guest just a friend to be there.

I am grateful to Tania who came to see me in hospital and remembered that what we all need the most is human touch. She came and massaged my hands and arms, not put off by the tubes and wires that were everywhere. She reconnected me to life, to the world by massaging my skin and holding my hands. She went through meditations and breathing with me, teaching me to visualise my pain and fear.

I am grateful to my sister Lisa who lives in Australia and called me, messaged me every day. She had to deal with the stress of knowing how unwell I was and being so far away. There were so many days where I was so ill, so out of it that I couldn’t speak to her or reply and I know how tough that must have been. But knowing she was there and her constant love made all the difference.

I am grateful to all my WhatsApp crew, there was a WhatsApp group of loved ones who sent messages from all over the world. Who made me laugh, who cared, who were really inappropriate (!) and who made a network of support that I am truly grateful for. I feel lucky to have so many amazing people around me, thank you to every person who visited me, who sent me a message, a phone call, a card. Thanks to my aunties and uncle who came to see me in hospital.

I can’t name every person, but there are so many loving friends and family members who visited, called me or sent messages. And to each and every one, I thank you more than you’ll ever know.

Timm

And of course to my husband Timm. I don’t even know what to write. I had nothing and he was there. I was at the bottom, I had nothing left to give and I clung to him, begging him not to leave my side. He sat for hours every day next to my bed. Arriving at 8am and leaving at 8pm. Most of the time I was asleep or crying. He took it all in his stride.

He was there for the tubes going in and out, held my hand through scans and cannulas. He wasn’t put out by the tubes in my nose, the bags of bile, the vomiting, the poo, the central lines. He just quietly held my hand, kissed my head and told me it was all going to be ok.

When I was so weak, when my kidneys were failing and I couldn’t sit up, let alone stand. When I was barely conscious. When they told us it was serious. When I thought I was going to die. He was there. Every moment.

It has been so hard to write all this down. To go back over scary and traumatic memories. But in each moment, I am concentrating not on the horror. But on the person who was there with me.

They say in the toughest of times, you find out who is on your side. And man, I have the best side going.

So I will focus on my gratitude. On the people around me who have held me up, kept me going and loved me. To my friends who have been there at the worst of times. I have had a tough time but my god, I am so lucky.

Sometimes, people ask me how I cope. How do I deal with having been ill for so long, with having so many surgeries. And to them I say it is because I have the best support system in the world. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Recovery: in pictures

The past few weeks have been tough, recovering from an emergency surgery that knocked me off my feet.  During this time, I have had so little control and I have been unable to do much for myself, which has been so difficult.  But I am so lucky to have my Timm who has been there through it all, he has bathed me, cooked for me, sang to me, sorted my medication and just been my hero.  I’m also lucky to have a budding photographer in my child Eli, who has snapped a few shots during this very rough time.

Enjoy.

recovery surgery partner help to bath

recovery surgery partner help to bath

recovery surgery partner help to bath

dosette box medicine box

TED stockings surgical stockings

TED stockings surgical stockings

cup of tea recovery nurse

timm cleasby

holding hands matching dr who tattoos

sam and timm cleasby

get well soon

holding hands

playing guitar feel better

playing guitar feel better

playing guitar feel better

All images by Eli Cleasby from Timm Cleasby Photography

 

Love Sam xx

This boy

This boy

We never had wedding vows of in sickness and in health.  Instead our Elvis minister asked us if we swore never to leave each others blue suede shoes out in the rain.

viva las vegas wedding

But he’s aways there by my side.

He puts my tablets in shot glasses with little stickers with times written on them.

He kisses me and holds me close when I cry through pain, frustration or sadness.

He goes to all my hospital appointments with me because he knows I forget what they’ve said as soon as I walk out.

He doesn’t mind when I’m too tired to do anything but lay in bed. And will lay right there with me.

sam and timm cleasby

He runs me a bath, sits on the floor and washes me when it’s all just too much.

He makes me laugh when I am sad.

He comes to my events to support me and never complains about the hours waiting for me.

He works so damn hard to make sure our family has all we need.

Through every surgery he is there.

Through every recovery, he does it all.

Through the toughest of times, he sticks fast by my side.

sam and timm cleasby

Through the darkest of times, he sits under a duvet cave with me whispering and kissing.

He washes the sheets and my clothes when my bag leaks.

He helps me do my hair when my arms don’t have the strength.

He loves me even when I don’t feel worthy of love.

He wants me to be the best version of me that I can.

Wedding renewal

He runs around Ikea with me playing and making fake photo shoots.

He brings McDonald’s and makes a picnic on our bed with all the kids when I’m too sick and tired to cook.

He tells me I’m beautiful even when my hair is falling out and I’m too tired to shower and I’m wearing pyjamas.

He cries with me and tells me that no, it’s not fucking fair.

Love and relationships

He listens to my crazy plans and never tells m they’re crazy, he tells me to get planning.

At night when I can’t sleep, he gives me his hand so I can lay with my fingers on the pulse in his wrist because though it’s batty, he knows it calms me down.

When I’m too tired to go out on Valentines Day, he orders room service and beers and we have them in bed.

He once stole a wheelchair and kidnapped my from hospital so I could sit with the sun on my face.

Sam Cleasby Timm Cleasby

This year, we will celebrate being together for 20 years, and though I never thought it possible, I love him more every day.

This boy. He is my everything.

And he’s never, ever left my blue suede shoes out in the rain.

 

Sam xx

19 years ago in The Leadmill…

19 years ago in The Leadmill nightclub in Sheffield I met Timm.  I’ve told the story before but I had seen him the week before and not had the confidence to say hi, then I spied him in the DJ box working, my friend Liz went and said to him “my mate fancies you” and the rest, as they say, is history!
Sam and Timm Cleasby

I can’t believe we’ve been together so long!!! I don’t feel old enough to have been with someone for 19 years. I’ve been with Timm for longer in my life than I haven’t.

Its not been an easy ride, he worked away as a tour manager for the first 12 years of our relationship which took its toll. It’s hard to stay close when you’re apart for months at a time but we got through it.

We had three kids in 4 1/2 years so there were manic times where we barely had time for one another but we had a blast. We’re not perfect parents, we rarely do things by the book but we love our babies more than anything and we are a great team.

Sam and Timm Cleasby

Timm was my first love, I was only 17 when we met and my life was chaotic, we had a crazy couple of years of fun and silliness before we had Charlie in 2000, followed by Ellie in 2003 and Thom in 2005. We’ve had 6 houses in that time, job changes, times when money was tight, travels around the world, good times and bad.

We married in Las Vegas in 2004 at the Viva Las Vegas chapel by Elvis and renewed our vows in 2014 at home in a garden ceremony with all our family and friends.

Sam and Timm Cleasby

The past few years have been the toughest of our lives, my ulcerative colitis really took hold of my body and I had my first surgery in 2013 to remove my colon and had my first ileostomy. Since then I’ve had 4 more surgeries and Timm has been my rock.

There have been times when I’ve told him to leave me, when it’s been so hard that I couldn’t bear to put him through it any more. But he’s always been right by my side.

We make a good team, Timm and I, and though it sounds cheesy, we are closer and more in love now than ever before. Something happens when you’ve been together so long, you know eachother inside and out and the level of comfort and safety really kicks in. That’s not to say things are boring, nor do we take eachother for granted but life just becomes easier.

Of course we argue, we fall out and disagree, there are times when we scream and shout, when we get the face on and ignore eachother. I don’t think anyone can be together for so long without there being times of conflict. But we are learning all the time how we can best sort out our arguments.

Everything honestly is better when we are a team, when we fall out, it feels like life is just tougher to deal with. When we are side by side, I feel I can take on the world.

19 years have passed in a heartbeat, I still remember the feeling of butterflies in my stomach as he handed me this chipped Leadmill mug of champagne all those years ago.

Timm, you’re my everything. I wouldn’t be here without your continuing love, support and piss taking. You make me laugh, you deal with all my illness and surgeries with a shrug like it’s no big deal, you hold my hand when I’m struggling and you listen to me when I can’t bear to say things to anyone else.

 

We joke that some things are NSFT (Not Safe For Timm) because he cries at anything remotely emotional. I take the piss out of him for this but I secretly love it. As he has got older he is so much more open with his feelings, he has dealt with a lot during the past few years and sometimes I forget just how hard it has been for him. But it has made him softer and more loving, and that has to be a good thing.

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

 

We don’t always do gifts but this year I saw this and couldn’t not get it, from The Night Sky who create star maps of certain locations and times, this is the night sky over Sheffield 19 years ago today, these are the stars we looked at on the night we met, the night it all began.

The night sky Sheffield stars

I  so lucky to have grown up with my best friend, 19 years of laughter, being proper daft, of loving and crying and facing all the shit that life has thrown at us.

Cleasby, happy anniversary bubs xxx

Are photo shoots naff when you have teenagers?

I LOVE photographs, I have thousands, both on my phone, on hard drives, in albums, on the walls and in boxes hidden away.  I adore looking through them and remembering brilliant times and revelling in just how small and precious the kids were.  Now they are teenagers.  And honestly, they don’t really want me to photograph them ever.  I have to steal their photos off instagram…

My husband is a photographer and though he takes beautiful images, he rarely has time to shoot us and I doubt the kids would stand for it anyway. Plus, if he is photographing us, then he isn’t in the shot!

And so, you can imagine their faces when I told them that I had booked a family photo shoot for us all.  “Muuuummmmmmmmm it’s so flipppinngggg weeirrdddddd!” “WHHHYYYYYYY??? You know what we look like!!!” and my favourite “Im not doing one of those all pile on photos where the dad lays on the bottom and then you stack up in height order…”

all pile on awkward family photo

Photo: Awkward Family Photos

And then the day came around and I drove four miserable faces out to Kelham Island in Sheffield to meet our photographer Corinne from Corinne Hills Photography.  She is a personal friend of ours, and I knew her relaxed and natural style would fit in so much better with our family than any white background shot or weird posing.

Corinne usually shoots in very natural settings, she is a forest schools teacher and so is usually found in the woods playing with sticks and making fires and so I knew I was pushing her slightly in wanting an urban setting for our shoot, but we agreed that it would be the same as her other work.  We’d go for a walk and she would quietly photograph us.

I was a bit worried that it might be weird or naff, that it really was something you only did with little kids.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong, it felt natural and easy and the images of my beautiful kids in their teen years (Thom is nearly there at 12, Ellie is 14 and Charlie is 16) made me cry. She captured the reality of our family, the silliness and the imperfections, she caught the moment I accidentally hit Ellie in the face and the repercussions of that! She caught my children’s personalities and their quirks and the photos make my heart swell.

If you would like Corinne to photograph your family, get in touch through www.corinnehillsphotography.com though you may have to wait a while as she is laid up with a broken ankle and is very pregnant! But I guarantee you, it will be worth the wait!

Enjoy!

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

family photo shoot with teenagers in Sheffield urban kelham island

Love Sam xx

 

My perfect family… Glastonbury 2017

“You have such a perfect family!”

I got told this after sharing photos of our trip to Glastonbury this year and so I thought I would share a few pics of my perfect family.  We never argue, the kids are always on perfect behaviour, our home is a sanctuary of calm, peace and love.  There is never a raised voice, never a curse word muttered.  We all just live in harmony.

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

I mean, of course, that is all bullshit.  When I got told how perfect my family are based on these images, it made me think about how we come across on social media.

Yes, we had a wonderful time but I didn’t take photos of the guilt I felt when I had to nap every day. I didn’t take photos of the ostomy bag leak and me crying my eyes out. I didn’t take photos of the arguments the kids had or the time my eldest lost my youngest in a festival or the anxiety attack I had at 4am. I didn’t take photos of the difficulties of raising teenagers and the conflicts they are going through. 

I didn’t take photos of three kids in a car, arguing over who is manspreading leading on to a battle over why the term man spreading is or isn’t sexist and a discussion about who had the biggest balls.  Nor did I photograph the sheer anxiety of letting your 16 year old into a mosh pit alone, or the look on the youngest’s face when he found out the big two didn’t want to take him to see a band.

I didn’t take photos of my worries that my hernia was returning or the feelings of sadness and fear I had despite having this lovely family time. Or the struggles in keeping a relationship going through years of chronic illness.

I love my family, they are wonderful and I am so lucky to have them. But photos on social media only show the best of times so when you have those feelings of worry when you see everyone else having a seemingly perfect life, remember that we are all fighting our own battles and comparison to others is unhealthy and really doesn’t help!

Are my family perfect? Hell no!!!! But we get through each day and share the happy photos to celebrate the times it goes well.

  Sam

18 years ago today…

I was in the Leadmill with my friend Lizzy, her boyfriend was the DJ at a new club night and she’s got us tickets.  I wasn’t going to go out but she really wanted to see her fella so I agreed. 

We went and danced and partied and I was glad I’d made the effort to go out.  She went to see her boyfriend whilst I went to the bar and as I looked up at the DJ box for her, I spied a man with long hair wildly dancing hanging off the booth whilst taking requests and was just a little bit smitten!


I recognised him as the bloke I’d seen a few weeks earlier in the same club skating in and dancing with friends. I’d wanted to speak to him then,  but bottled it.  Lizzy came down and I asked about him, she said he was called Timm and that I should come meet him. 

I know people may not believe this but I used to be so shy and unconfident and I was too embarrassed to speak to him. So she dashed off and jumped up to the box and called the immortal words “HEY! My mate fancies you!” 

I was mortified. 

He looked down and said “the one with a skin head?” She nodded. “Bring her up!”  Shyly I went and said hi and he handed me some champagne in a chipped mug. I thought it was the coolest thing ever! 


One thing led to another and 18 years and three kids later, here we are! 

Timm is my best person in the world, he makes my life happier, fuller and better and I know it sounds cliche but I genuinely love him more with each year that passes. 
I worry about him. I worry that all the stress and hardships of my illness will be too much for him.  He’s a good bloke though and I know he’d never just walk away but this makes me worry that he feels stuck with me, that I’m a burden to him. 


I worry that he has turned from my partner to my carer and that I make him unhappy.  Often people think so much about the person who is ill but their partner is expected to just cope with it all.  Timm’s had to do so much for me in the last 13 years and the past 3 years and 5 surgeries have put so much strain on him. I feel sad that the cause of his stress is me. 

Timm makes me feel like the best woman on earth, he tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m in pyjamas and unable to shower and haven’t slept for two days.  He says I’m the best even when I know I am further towards the worst.  He makes me laugh even in my darkest hours. He listens, he supports, he makes everything better. 


I thought I loved Timm when I was 18. And I did! But the depth of my love for him now at 35 is so much more than I could have ever imagined.  It’s a love that comes with time, he knows me better than anyone else in the world, there’s no facade, no fakery, nothing hidden.  

He is my everything. And though I struggle with feeling that I’m a burden to him, and worry I’m not good enough, he has my heart and always will. 

Happy Anniversary of when a skin head’s friend told you that she fancied you. 

18 years bubsy xxx 

Distance

Apologies for not being about much over the past few weeks, as much as i adore blogging and writing for So Bad Ass, as a mum of three I have to ensure bills can get paid and and so I have been super busy with other work.  It has been pretty lovely work though I have to say! I have been working as an artist for arts group Responsible Fishing UK running their creative workshops at Haven sites all over the UK, the project is called Camp Cardboard and entails hundreds of cardboard boxes and working with kids to transform huge spaces into giant dens/castles/boats/zoos/FBI headquarters/shops/homes/prisons, basically anything the children can imagine!  It has been brilliant fun but has meant quite a bit of time away from home, Timm and the kids.

My husband Timm is a director for Sheffield music festival Tramlines, which means that his summer has been jam packed with preparation and running of the event.  These things mean that our kids have been super busy and passed between the two of us as we attempted to resolve all childcare over the summer holidays.  We are ever so lucky that all our jobs are freelance, versatile and child friendly and on most occasions they can come along with one of us.  I am ever grateful to my mum who picks up the slack when we can’t make it work.

sam cleasby mum parent blogger

And so I suppose today’s post is about distance, both a physical distance and an emotional one.  Timm and I both have what we laughingly call Portfolio Careers, this basically means we are both freelance and work our butts off at any job that comes in! Timm is a photographer, he runs Responsible Fishing arts group, he is both director and main stage organiser at Tramlines and he teaches at a university for their Music Industry course.  I write for publications and websites, work for RF, help run the photography business, do public speaking and I am writing a book!  This makes for crazy scheduling but it does mean that we both work from home and both have time with our children and eachother.  Honestly, we would both like it to calm down some, the manic diary planning and time away from each other is hard going and we would both like a little more time.

I am not complaining.  Two years ago when I had my first surgery I couldn’t imagine how life could be something good, I was so low, so physically and emotionally broken.  I felt like I was in a black hole.  And so for now to have the physical ability to be working and traveling and doing things that I love, it is a real blessing.

love letter to yourself ileostomy jpouch ibd self happiness

The events of my life have made me a pretty tough cookie, yet I realise that my emotional strength relies very much on a connection with my husband.  I can get through ANYTHING as long as I have him with me in my heart.  I know this sounds so corny and feel free to make vomiting noises whilst you read, but after everything we have been through, our relationship has just solidified, our bond is so firm now and the connection between us is better than ever before.

So when we have weeks on end where one of us is working away, when the free days are spent heaping time and love on the kids as we deal with the working parent guilt, when we both have so much on our plates, it is so easy to feel distant and alone.  We have had lots of day to day stresses of late, cars breaking down magnificently, bills to be paid, plans to be laid and so time has been spent on all those rubbish grown up things.  The physical distance is one thing, but we have both had an emotional distance too as we both just try and wade through all our work load.

Through writing my book, I am churning up lots of feelings and emotions about my past, I feel quite fragile right now as all these events from my past come floating up to the surface and I have to deal with them all over again and this is really adding to my anxiety levels.  I am so chuffed to be writing the book, but I had not planned at all for this tsunami of feelings that it would bring with it!

Last week we finally got time to sit down and have a proper chat, we both talked about how little we have seen one another and how we felt we hadn’t connected properly for weeks. (Not a euphemism!!) Isn’t it amazing how a good talk can make everything feel a million times better?  The darkness and anxiety I was going through lifted immediately when I was with my boy, my shoulders raised and my head cleared when we had the time to discuss all that was going on.  Life just feels better.

rock n roll wedding

It is so easy to get caught up in life.  In all that adult, grown up crap that none of us really want to be dealing with but we just have to.  It is so easy to get into a rut, to go day in, day out in a monotonous grey drabness.  It is so easy to get so deep into your work that you forget to look up and see the colours around you.  So this week, take a moment, look around you at the people who matter.  Go for a walk with your kids, have a nice meal with your partner, go out with your friends.  Do something to reconnect with the most important people in your life, do something to close the distance that the boring stuff causes.

This week, go do something beautiful with someone wonderful.

 

 

Sam xxx

 

 

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 11th wedding anniversary!

We married in Las Vegas in 2004 and renewed our wedding vows last year and I couldn’t be happier.

Life isn’t always plain sailing and we have had our moments of struggle, but we came through everything stronger than before and that Cleasby bloke and I, when we are together, we are a force to be reckoned with.

Over the last 2 years of surgeries, recovery and change, Timm has been my rock. The one person I can tell it all to, the one to hold my hand, to make it all better and to love me harder than ever before. He became my carer for a while and did it with love, sensitivity and respect.

sam cleasby timm cleasby

People tell me I am strong. But I am only strong because Timm is my roots, he holds me tall and supports my growth.

When life is good, he walks by my side, both of us smiling into the sun. But sometimes life just gets so heavy, my shoulders aren’t broad enough to carry the weight, that is when he steps in and scoops me up. When I need him to, he will carry the weight of both of us and does so with a smile. Then as it gets easier, he sets me down and we carry on our path together.

 

 

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I just hope that when he needs me, I will carry him in the same way.

Happy anniversary to my favourite person in the whole world.

Sam x

Happy Birthday Timm

It’s my boy’s birthday today and I just wanted to tell my amazing husband that he is awesome.

Happy happy birthday to the best bloke in the world, he is my hero and I just couldn’t have got through the last 2 years without him.

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Timm supports this blog and all my campaigns wholeheartedly with advice, help and of course his amazing photography.

He is just so inspiring, he is the hardest working person I know, he is a bloody wonderful dad and Charlie, Ellie, Thom and I couldn’t love him more.

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Happy Birthday Timm!

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Love Sam x

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