They found this thing.  They called it a shadow and then slipped the word ‘mass’ into the conversation later.  I wasn’t expecting it, I had nervously laughed and chatted through the first part of the test and then the woman, the doctor, testing person, her, she went quiet.  She asked me to hold still and stopped talking about her daughter’s shop that she thought Id love.  She stopped making that casual conversation that makes the fact she is looking up my arse slightly less embarrassing.

There is this ‘thing’ in my rectal tissue.  I don’t know what it is.  She mentioned it could be an abscess but said I needed to talk to my consultant.  The mood changed really rapidly and I was so surprised that I just gathered my things and left.  I didn’t ask any questions or query what she was saying.  I didn’t do any of the sensible things, I just felt really hot and the word ‘cancer’ was all over me.  I could hear it whispering in my ear, feel it nudging me like I was walking through a bustling crowd of it.

She didn’t say cancer.  She never said the word.  I keep thinking Im imagining the whole thing.  She said she couldn’t say anything more and the consultant would look over the results as soon as possible and come back to me.

The logical part of my head is saying in a matronly manner ‘This, Samantha, is you over thinking it all.  It will most likely be an abscess or something easily treatable.  No one has suggested cancer.  Wind your neck in and stop being dramatic.”

I left the hospital and drove aimlessly, I ended up in a carpark at a shopping centre, driving round to find a parking space, only once I found one I realised I didn’t need to go shopping.  I drove to the old house where Timm was working and he chatted away.  He stopped and looked at me and said “Everything OK?” “Yeah!” I replied.

Then “No bubs, they found something”

His face fell.  I explained and he held me tight.  Said it would all be fine and we needed to not get ahead of ourselves.  I could feel his fear in his pounding chest, it was banging against mine giving away his anxiety whilst his face and words were soothing and calm.

I did a bad thing.  I took a photo of the screen when she left the room for me to get changed.  She had even asked me not to when I had asked if I could – “The consultant needs to see this first” she gently explained.  Then I did a lot of bad things.  I googled and googled and googled.  I dismissed the need for years of medical training and diagnosed myself online.

I know this is bad. It is ridiculous and if I were hearing this from another person I would tell them to STOP FUCKING GOOGLING.

You know the funny thing is, that the ultrasound of a rectum is surprisingly beautiful.  It looks like a lunar eclipse surrounded by galaxies.  It looks like a black and white Van Gogh sun.  It looks a lot nicer than you would imagine…

Today I am losing my mind thinking about what it could be, and so I called my consultants secretary only to be told that he is away till Monday and that the results would take a day or two to get to him anyway.  She put me through to the clinic where Id had the test but they said the woman is also away till Monday.  I imagine them both together, sunning themselves on a Caribbean island drinking cocktails with their heads thrown back laughing.

And so it is a waiting game for this unknown.  I am telling myself over and over again that it all will be fine, that the chances are that it is an abscess or something that can be dealt with easily.  Im pushing the word cancer out of the front of my mind, cramming it into a dusty trunk hiding at the back of my skull that contains the clowns and frogs.

I am on the verge of tears.  Im so frightened.  I keep thinking ‘Are you fucking kidding me? Have I not dealt with enough?’ It is so easy to wind yourself into a state of panic, but the words I use to comfort me are becoming a mantra, when I feel the panic rising and beginning to swallow me I repeat “It will be fine” over and over again.

Perhaps it really is nothing, perhaps they will look at it and shrug, something totally treatable and all A-OK.  I feel that these bad thoughts of something sinister is just fanning the flames of drama, I need to stop that right now and not let my brain go into over drive.  Because at this minute, everything is ok, no one is suggesting the things that are flooding through my brain, only me.

And so I will wait till Monday and speak to my consultant then.  Until then I just have to try and keep that trunk locked up tight and not let my imagination run wild.

Sam xx

UPDATE – my lovely consultant dropped me an email to say that it’s “Highly unlikely to be anything but need to see scans” and to try not to worry. I’ll update again when I hear more news xxxx