After quite a few months of just not feeling myself, I have taken the leap and made an appointment with my GP to discuss my emotional health. And man, it was scary.
I always think I’m quite tough. Not much scares me any more as I have been through hell, so what else could frighten me? I’ve been cut open, had bits removed, added, joined up. I’m scarred beyond belief and have an ostomy bag. This wasn’t my plan for the first half of my 30s but it’s happened and I’ve come through it.
But it turns out that discussing my mental health is fucking terrifying.
Since this last op, I’ve just not felt myself. I’m anxious and weepy, I feel ever so sad sometimes. I feel myself building bigger and bigger barriers between myself and my friends and family and something has to change.
Guilt is at the heart of a lot of this. I feel guilty for being ill, I feel guilty for not being enough for others. I feel guilty that I’m not coping very well.
I just feel like the past few years have been one thing after another and I’ve had to just react to each of these things. I haven’t had time to actually process them. And now it’s all catching up on me.
I can bear my physical scars, show them to the world. But my emotional ones hold a lot more fear in them.
They hurt just as much as the physical wounds and I need to give myself time and opportunity to heal my head as much as my body.
So here I am. Taking a leap. Allowing my hurt to be spoken of.
I’m Sam and I need help.
And I am going to gift myself the time and space to seek help and feel myself again.