18 years ago today…

I was in the Leadmill with my friend Lizzy, her boyfriend was the DJ at a new club night and she’s got us tickets.  I wasn’t going to go out but she really wanted to see her fella so I agreed. 

We went and danced and partied and I was glad I’d made the effort to go out.  She went to see her boyfriend whilst I went to the bar and as I looked up at the DJ box for her, I spied a man with long hair wildly dancing hanging off the booth whilst taking requests and was just a little bit smitten!

I recognised him as the bloke I’d seen a few weeks earlier in the same club skating in and dancing with friends. I’d wanted to speak to him then,  but bottled it.  Lizzy came down and I asked about him, she said he was called Timm and that I should come meet him. 

I know people may not believe this but I used to be so shy and unconfident and I was too embarrassed to speak to him. So she dashed off and jumped up to the box and called the immortal words “HEY! My mate fancies you!” 

I was mortified. 

He looked down and said “the one with a skin head?” She nodded. “Bring her up!”  Shyly I went and said hi and he handed me some champagne in a chipped mug. I thought it was the coolest thing ever! 

One thing led to another and 18 years and three kids later, here we are! 

Timm is my best person in the world, he makes my life happier, fuller and better and I know it sounds cliche but I genuinely love him more with each year that passes. 
I worry about him. I worry that all the stress and hardships of my illness will be too much for him.  He’s a good bloke though and I know he’d never just walk away but this makes me worry that he feels stuck with me, that I’m a burden to him. 

I worry that he has turned from my partner to my carer and that I make him unhappy.  Often people think so much about the person who is ill but their partner is expected to just cope with it all.  Timm’s had to do so much for me in the last 13 years and the past 3 years and 5 surgeries have put so much strain on him. I feel sad that the cause of his stress is me. 

Timm makes me feel like the best woman on earth, he tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m in pyjamas and unable to shower and haven’t slept for two days.  He says I’m the best even when I know I am further towards the worst.  He makes me laugh even in my darkest hours. He listens, he supports, he makes everything better. 

I thought I loved Timm when I was 18. And I did! But the depth of my love for him now at 35 is so much more than I could have ever imagined.  It’s a love that comes with time, he knows me better than anyone else in the world, there’s no facade, no fakery, nothing hidden.  

He is my everything. And though I struggle with feeling that I’m a burden to him, and worry I’m not good enough, he has my heart and always will. 

Happy Anniversary of when a skin head’s friend told you that she fancied you. 

18 years bubsy xxx 

6 replies
  1. Anon
    Anon says:

    Yes, everything about this, just yes!
    I’d love to be able to agree with everything you’ve said but I can’t. Not because it isn’t true but because my partner let’s me believe that I’m the burden. I constantly push myself and still then nothing is good enough. He let’s slip in arguments that he thinks I don’t do anything and I’m lazy (funny how the house hold still runs, our child is looked after like royalty and my job is held down). It must be them bloody house fairies that keep washing his clothes and doing the food shopping and all the other boring shit house fairies probably wished they didn’t have to do.

    I’m 7 years crohns diagnosed, 2 operations, 6 months rheumatoid arthritis diagnosed and a million other things I’m sure you’ve had to deal with yourself ten times worse. Any over time at work I ask for and 3 weeks out of 4 in the month I work way more hours than he does. When I come home I have to be Mom, cook, cleaner, nurse, friend, princess, colouring in expert, homework helper, bog cleaner. When he comes home he gets to be him. Just him. Sometimes I want to come home and cry and throw myself a pity party but I’m never allowed.

    Sorry for the rant but I think you’ve just made me realise that I’ve been going wrong. He’s been going wrong. I deserve someone who let’s me be gross and unhappy and lazy once in a while.


    P.s. You’re a fucking queen

  2. Sue Sykes
    Sue Sykes says:

    Wonderful words Sam. My husband of 42 years is my hero as he not only looks after me with my Crohns but our son who has had major problems since birth. He is absolutely fantastic and I don’t tell him enough. I will now though,

  3. Sonja
    Sonja says:

    Beautifully said and I am also so fortunate to have a husband like yours. No one should be treated any other way. I have been with my husband for 15 years and the love just gets stronger. Through all the tough time and when I had to have an ostomy through emergency surgery, my husband has always made me feel beautiful and loved. Congrats to you both and for many more years to come. X

  4. Joy
    Joy says:

    A year after we were married, i was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, and my sweet love not only stayed by my side, but has championed for others with uc, chrons, and ibd.
    She knew going in that i had battled with uc since i was 8 years old, but the “flare up” that turned out to be a blockage caused by tumours was much more than she had bargained for…
    But my Marie, stayed by my side, through two surgeries so far, one left to go, a colostomy, and now a permanent ileostomy.
    I can’t express how this post truly touched me.. i have been so tortured by feeling as tho Marie is overburdened by our union. This was not in any way the life I had planned for us, and it kills me to feel my broken body has cheated her out of the beautiful life she deserves..
    She reminds me everyday, that all she wants is me to enjoy life and that makes her feel that all this terrible crap is worth it to her. Man, i feel like the most unlucky and luckiest person alive sometimes. But my love always makes me feel like no matter how bad it gets for us, she and I can get thru anything, and come out with love – always love, on the other side.
    Thanks for listening and congrats on your anniversary!


Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.