Hospital update *spoiler* it’s not good news

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I had my 6 week post op check up today with Mr Brown, Timm took the morning off work to come with me as I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t going to be good news.

My stoma and stomach is still very swollen and with exertion it really pops out and my stoma disappears inside my body. I have New deeper convex bags which are really helping with the leaks but it’s still not great.

So Mr Brown said that the op didn’t go as planned as he was thinking it was going to be a really simple incisional hernia repair but when he opened me up, the hernia was originating from the stoma and had spread up to the incision site. He fixed it as much as possible but unfortunately things haven’t solved the issues.

And so I’m going to have to have another operation.

I’m absolutely devastated. I really thought the surgery 6 weeks ago was going to be my final one and now I’m heartbroken at the thought of more.

The options are to have a parastomal hernia repair, this is the easiest op but carries a 50% chance of reoccurrence, or we can totally resite my stoma on the other side, which is a much bigger op but only has a 10% chance of reoccurrence.

I decided I need some time to think about it, we have a big holiday planned for August this year and so I don’t want to do anything before then. So I’m going back to see him in July and we’ll look at scheduling it then. We all think that the stoma resiting, though a scarier op is probably the better option but I’ll give it some real thought and research over the next few months.

Im really tearful now, I just can’t believe I’m going to have to have another surgery. I can’t believe my husband and kids are going to go through it all again. I’m worried about work, taking more time off for yet another surgery, and Timm’s business which is in the first stages of expansion and the effects my illness will have on us.

I know in the grand scheme of life, this is small fry. It’s an operation to fix a problem that isn’t life threatening. I know I’m lucky to have the health that I do have and so don’t want to be too ‘poor me’, but man, I’m gutted.

I had a big cry in the hospital car park and then another big cry in the car. Then an even bigger, snotty wail at home.

It’s not bloody fair! I’ve done my share of hospitals, I want some time off now!!!

Work have been great, I spoke to my manager when I came out of hospital and he’s told me to take the rest of the day off. So I’m going to have a bath, take some meds and get in bed and read a book.

Im going to take today as a mardy day, wallow, eat pancakes, cry and feel sorry for myself.

Then tomorrow I’ll pull on my big girl pants and get on with it…

I read a quote recently, it said:

Life and death quote

And it made me realise you have to make the most of your time here.

Things are pretty shit with my family relations, but I have the best husband, wonderful children and some really loving and supportive family members.

I have THE best friends in the world, so many friends who are bloody brilliant. Especially our Caroline and Jim who are the best friends Timm and I could ever wish for, they’re always there for us and make us so happy.

I have a great job who are understanding and supportive with my illness, Timms business is thriving. I have a lovely home and an allotment which is my happy place.

So if I have to have another op, then I think I’ve got this. Maybe we’re only sent the shit we can handle, and maybe that shit sometimes teaches us we can handle more than we believe.

 

Love Sam xx

The Naked Podcast

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Last year I got quite an odd phone call. Even for me this was a weird one!

It was a reporter I’ve worled with a few times for BBC Radio Sheffield asking if I’d be interested in coming on her new podcast to talk about body positivity. Of course I would!!! That’s right up my street!

”There’s just one thing though Sam… we are recording it naked.”

What??!!!

Jenny Eells and Kat Harbourne said they wanted to discuss the subject of nudity to find out why people are so prudish about their bodies and why many people, particularly women, aren’t more body confident.

So I thought what the hell! Let’s do this!!!

It was really nerve wracking! I turned up and we chatted for a few minutes about themes and then I took myself off into the bathroom to undress, even though I knew we’d all be naked, it seemed weird to strip in front of them!

I came out in a robe and they were wrapped in towels, we sat down and all took a deep breath… then dropped our covers!

At first it was very bizarre! You don’t quite know where to put your eyes and feel completely exposed and fairly terrified.

Yet after a few minutes, you kind of forget about it! There was no judgment, I didn’t feel that they were sizing me up at all, it was three women sat in the buff chatting. Odd but funnily comfortable.

I think that physical exposure really opens you up emotionally and over the course of an hour we talked about things that brought up a lot of deep down emotion. From my surgeries and scars, to sex, masturbation, how children feel about their bodies and so much more.

Honestly, it was quite a terrifying step to take, but once we started, it was so cathartic and I left on cloud nine!

You can read a bit more about the podcast here.

The naked podcast Sam cleaaby

 

You can follow The Naked Podcast on Twitter @TheNakedPodcast and listen on iplayer!

I hope you enjoy it!!

Love Sam xx

Going grey

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I’m ever so grey. I’ve dyed my hair pretty much every colour under the sun in my time but I’m tiring of it. It’s such a ball ache having to do my roots every 4-6 weeks and so over the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about stopping the dye.

But how? Did I go for the expensive dying root of trying to slowly tame my hair into growing out with tinctures and dyes and blending?

Well as with all my surgeries and when I’ve not been well, my hair is in bad condition. It is falling out by the handful and feels like crap and so I made the decision to go short and cut out the dyed hair.

I considered lots of hair styles before making the decision to face the shave.

I have had shaved hair a couple of times in my life and when I met my husband Timm almost 20 years ago, I had a number 1.

And so here I am.

Grey hair going grey girls with shaved hair

 

There are so many pressures on women to look a certain way and especially to look ‘young’ but this is me! I’m 36 and really grey and I want to embrace it!

I feel amazing. I feel like me. I feel strong and womanly and so bad ass!!!

Its time for me to embrace the grey, embrace the natural and kick some ass!

Love Sam xx

 

My name is Sam and I’m an online shoppaholic

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I have a confession to make. I’m thoroughly addicted to online shopping.

I realised this when my middle child told me their aims in life were to have a job that earns lots of money so they can sit in bed and order lots of stuff off Amazon… eek!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bankrupting my family for my shopping, I’m actually a bit of a spend thrift and love a sale and a bargain. I rarely buy full price clothes, and I hunt out the cheapest deals going. But I just do it very often.

I’m on first name terms with our postman, the amazon delivery guys, the DHL folk and the UPS man. I’d say I get 3-10 parcels a week and I realise this is probably a bit naughty.

positive life quotes sheffield lifestyle blogger

I think it started when I got ill, when I wasn’t able to get out and about to the shops alone, I found the ease and accessibility of online shopping a real help to my life.

Whether I’m bed bound, in pain or have had 5 bag leaks that day, I can still buy anything I need. I can shop online whilst on the loo, naked and from bed! I think I’d get kicked out of our shopping centre if I turned up in my birthday suit with just an ostomy bag and a smile!

Amazon is my worst, we have amazon prime which gives free next day delivery and so I’m forever clicking a few times and buying bits for around the house or things I’ve noticed we are lacking.

But im also bad for other stores too. If I get an email telling me that there’s a sale on, I’m like a pig in mud! Woop! Look, I just bought some boots on sale, a little plate in the shape of a llama and a wall shelf shaped like a rainbow that holds very little (all genuine purchases this year.)

I have a problem with sleeping, though I’m exhausted I can often sit awake till 3 or 4am and this is the witching hour… the time where my idle hands creep over to my phone and hit the shops, the time when I do my worst purchases! Sometimes I think I dreamt I bought things till they actually turn up in the post!!!

Now this isn’t a problem financially, as I said, I’m not spending huge amounts of money and I can afford everything I buy.

But it kind of surprised me to realise that this is me, I would never in a million years describe myself as a shopaholic. I see myself as someone who likes Home made things, I’m a gardener, a crafter, I sew and bake. I think of shopaholics as some sort of Made in Chelsea/Towie self obsessed consumer who is all about buying new things and whose worth is based on what products they buy. (I realise this sounds judgmental!!)

Thats just not who I see myself as, yet in making all these random purchases, I am not being my true self.

Online shopping is an absolute life line, especially for someone like myself who works full time, has a chronic illness and a busy life. But there’s a time and place and buying air drying hair rollers at 3am isn’t the place!

So I’m setting myself a challenge, I wil not buy anything online for the next month, I’ll also not buy things in store apart from our grocery shopping.

I have a house full of stuff and I don’t need most of the crap I buy and I thought this would be an interesting challenge for myself to see if I can change this habit that I’ve fallen into!

I’m already struggling! H&M just sent me an email about their mid season sale and without thinking I popped a dress and a pair of trousers in my basket before throwing my phone down in horror! (They were VERY pretty!)

I also admit a little prep time in March where I bought a couple of pressies for birthdays in April.

Anyway, wish me luck!

No buying April!

 

Sam xx