I saw Mr Brown yesterday and the plan is for yet another surgery, it will be in the new year.
I have two large hernias and they are causing daily, almost constant pain. One is behind my stoma and one is in the old stoma site.
I also have a 6.6cm cyst on my ovary that I’m not sure if it’s causing pain or not as my whole abdomen hurts so who knows what is what.
Mr Brown wants to bring a new surgeon in to work with him, he specialises in complex abdominal problems and due to having so many surgeries, I’m filled with adhesions and scar tissue.
Theyll also be working alongside a gynae surgeon to remove the cyst and possibly my ovary, so it’s all hands on deck!
I just feel sick that this is happening yet again, I’ve really had enough and honestly it doesn’t get any easier, every surgery gets tougher and tougher. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to knowing what recovery is like and I’m so anxious and scared.
Ive used up all my sick pay with having two surgeries this year so any time off work will be unpaid which is super stressful, I know I need time to recover but knowing it will effect our income adds more pressure.
Im writing this at 4am as I can’t sleep for worry. I’m also coming down with some bug as I’m hot and cold and coughing and feel crap but when you have a chronic illness sometimes it feels like you can’t take time off for “normal” illnesses.
I know I’m just having a middle of the night panic but everything just feels very overwhelming right now.
I just want to be well.
Im sick of being in constant pain, it’s so draining. I’m sick of taking painkillers every day though I’m relieved to get some better pain relief today from the GP. But it’s a constant weighing up of being in pain and being able to think straight and taking drugs and feeling dizzy and not with it.
Its the first time since I started working for Scope when I’m actually wondering whether I can cope with it all. I love my job but right now it’s causing me to worry. I worry about how my illness affects my team, I worry about whether I can cope and I worry that if I don’t work, whether we can afford to live the life we do.
Theres not much positivity in this post but as always, it really does help me to be able to blurt all this out here so thanks for reading and I hope that in speaking about the tough times, it helps others to know they’re not alone.
I hope things feel a little brighter when the sun comes up