woman laid in an orange hammock reading in the sun with a chihuahua

I feel so lost

This is a post from my facebook page, I just wanted to explain where I am right now. But I am posting this at 4am because after a long time, I just sat up in bed and thought ‘I want to write’. So I am hoping there will be more blog posts coming soon.

I feel so lost at the minute.

This time last year I had a job I loved, I had my own radio show on the BBC, I was blogging and I thought my surgery had been successful and the future felt bright.

Right now I’m recovering from 9th surgery. I have no job, the radio show has been put on hold due to corona and I just feel like I dont even know who I am any more.

During the last surgery in hospital I was really poorly. My bowel didnt wake up from the op for 17 days and then my kidneys packed in. I had a stage 3 AKI and I was very very ill, they said I was lucky to have come through.

And at the time you are just surviving. Getting through each hour, each day. But now I have time to reflect and i feel quite traumatised by it all. 

Then to come home to the world turning upside down with corona, lockdown and so many people dying. It is all a bit much.

The one thing I’ve always loved is writing. But I have lost my confidence even with that. I try to blog and just stare at the screen. I just have lost it. 

That’s why there have been no updates. But I’m trying. I’m writing this on my phone so it doesnt feel like “real writing”. 

I just feel a bit hollow and that I have nothing to give. 

So I’m sorry I’m absent and miserable right now. I’m going to try working on me and I’ll be about as much as I can. Because I bloody love sobadass, both the blog and on fb. I have avoided because I dont feel I am a good writer and I dont want to be sharing crap. 

I am lost, traumatised, sad and empty. And when you feel like this, you feel like you have no talent, nothing special and nothing to give to others. 

But I am trying. And I’ll keep trying.

✌?& ❤ 
Sam xx

11 replies
  1. Kat
    Kat says:

    This is your unique journey Sam and you have control on what you share and how you do it. Your audience doesn’t expect you to be someone you’re not, if your having a shit time then post about it, No one is here for entertainment, we are here because we genuinely love and care about you.
    Please don’t stress about content, what you are experiencing is utter hell and you can’t sugar coat that shit. Be Sam and express what you need to and how you need too xx

  2. Ange Turner
    Ange Turner says:

    Hey Sam, I just read those first few words about waking up and wanting to write….they are like those tiny, little seedlings ? pushing their roots down into the soil. Nurture them, take good care of them and love them. You’ve got this ? x x

  3. Keith Thomas
    Keith Thomas says:

    Hi Sam, sending love to you and your family. You have been through the mill again lately. On top of that the stress and worry with what is happening in the world. I am confident you will bounce back in time, you have too much to give others. With your radio experience I would not rule out a Badass podcast.
    Take care, stay safe,
    Keith. XX

  4. Pamela Conley
    Pamela Conley says:

    I am so sorry you are feeling so lost Sam. I want you to know you are not alone. God is with you always. Give all your fears, sadness, discouragement and pain to Him. He died on the cross for you and all of those things. He loves you and He will heal you if you ask Him to do so. Psalm 91 and Joshua 1-9 are scriptures of truth. Hold them in your heart always.
    I pray God will pull you close and restore your hope. He has brought you this far. Ask Him to show you the path to take. May He bless you always. Pamela

  5. TERRI
    TERRI says:

    Hi Sam,
    You probably feel like you have nothing to give right now because you don’t. With what you have been through
    I imagine it is all you can do to even get up in the morning. I know from reading your story that you are a brave,
    positive person and I believe some of what fuels your blogging is wanting to be a help to others. But now, you
    need to be kind and gentle and loving to yourself!! I know you have a very loving and supportive family and I also
    hope that you have someone else that you can lean on, to talk out your fears to. I fervently hope that this time
    will be the end of the hell that you have had to go through, that this time your body will hold you up instead of
    betraying you. So, put your self first and only right now, and the rest will happen when it is time. Be peaceful
    and know that a lot of people are hoping for health for you.


  6. Michael
    Michael says:

    After I had my Colectomy last year it took 10 days for my bowel to start, I had NG tubes, vomiting, no energy, it was awful. Even so I can’t imagine how much worse it sounds like your recovery was, it is no wonder you are struggling now. I was lucky, like you I have a wonderful loving family and I found I had many supportive friends too. I also had my faith, knowing I was loved and secure in Jesus no matter what life brings. Who we are is not defined by our jobs, how successful or even healthy we are, but what is inside and what we value and trust. I will pray that you find strength to cope and peace with your situation, value the love of your family, and know that many are willing you well and praying for you.

  7. Pam
    Pam says:

    Ohhh Sam, I’m sorry to hear that, allow yourself to feel this way and just remember it’s a passing emotion, you are such a strong trooper and you’ll get your confidence back…… Think the whole world’s feeling a sense of depression, you’ve just got added shit upon shit on top……. You will get thru this though.
    I’ve just being diagnosed with another long journey of cancer again….. So furious (this will be operation 11)…….so over it. I have to fly back to city again which isn’t the healthiest thing to be be doing at this present time…. Then fly back to begin chemo again, shrink the tumour then decide on procedure…boo boo boo. I just used same old thoughts, no one or nothing is going to beat me….. I’ll worry about it on the day.
    I wish you all the very best…… I’m on your page and you’ll get there Sam xxxxcxxxxx


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. […] In February 2020 I had a big surgery and things didn’t go too well. There were lots of issues post op and then I ended up with an Acute Kidney Injury and my kidneys were failing. You can read about it in the link above, we then went into lockdown when Covid hit and the world turned upside down. I posted a little about it here […]

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