family Archives - So Bad Ass

What matters

25th November 2020/1 Comment/in Blog/by sam

We are pushed through life to think about what matters, about how much money we have, how much stuff. We ask kids what job they want to do from being so young and as adults, its the question you ask of a stranger when you meet. We live in a very materialistic world where our worth is based on how much we have.

But today as I lay in bed feeling ill and sorry for myself, I was thinking about what actually matters. It is, of course, people. Our relationships with others. Our family and friends. We all know this but sometimes it feels like we forget it in our busy lives.

Today, my hair is matted and greasy. I’ve had a tough few days with what I think is a partial blockage of my stoma. This is on top of the daily pain I have had every day since my surgery in February. And I was thinking back to my recovery from that last operation.

At my lowest when I had nothing left, no energy, pain, failing kidneys, the thing I had that mattered the most was an incredible team of friends and family around me. It didn’t matter what clothes I wore, what car I drove or how much money was in my bank. What mattered was the kindness and love of my tribe.

My friend Hannah heard from Timm that I had been upset about my hair. After three weeks in HDU and on the wards unable to wash it, it was greasy and knotted. I’d had it tied on top of my head and it was matted and dirty. She came in to visit me and brought supplies! Shampoo, detangler, the works. And she helped me into the bath in hospital, and washed and brushed my hair. She wasn’t embarrassed or put off by my bruised, swollen and bleeding body. She didn’t judge me or look away.

She helped me undress, get in the bath and was so gentle and loving. I cried as she took my bobble out and my hair was so matted it barely moved. But it was OK, she said it was going to be fine.

In that moment, and now looking back on it, I knew how lucky I was to have her and other friends who were there for me.

There was so much love and support. Friends who just came and sat by my bed, those who did laundry, who cooked for my kids and took them out for days to take their minds of things. My aunty who trawled shops to bring me several types of yoghurt because after 3 weeks of not eating, it was the first thing I fancied! My husband and friends who found stocks of long ice pops in February so I could suck on something to soothe my mouth when I couldn’t eat. More people than I can name here came to me in my time of need and were just ‘there’.

My friend Tania who came and massaged my hands and arms because she instinctively knew I just needed some human touch.

My friend Caroline who listened to me weep and tell her I couldn’t get through this. Who just cried along with me, told me it was all shitty but we’d get through it.

My friend Sarah who stuck sweety red laces up her nose so she looked like she had an NG tube too and made me laugh. Then went home and looked after my family.

My kids who were terrified. I will never be able to make it up to them. They visited and were scared. Scared to touch me, scared of the tubes and wires. They were and are troopers who have seen more hospital wards than any child should.

My husband. Who I dont even have the words for. He is everything. He never gives up on me, never loses his patience, and is always there. 12 hours a day he sat by my bed. He’s seen it all and been through more than I have as I don’t remember half of it.

I suppose my point today is, that I am incredibly grateful to my squad, but also that people matter.

Be the kindness you want to see in the world. Cherish the ones closest to you. Nurture your relationships and love hard. Say ‘I love you’ to the people you love. Pick up the phone and call your friends. Give love out into the world and it does come back to you.

Life is tough this year, we are all suddenly faced with illness and death in our day to day lives. But as we head into Christmas and all the pressures of spending and buying expensive things, remember that the most important thing, the thing that matters the most are the people you love.

Peace and love

Sam xx

It takes a village

20th February 2019/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

That phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” has been going through my head a lot recently.

I love being a mum, it’s the most important role of my life and I hope to raise happy kids into happy adults, but as wonderful as parenting can be, it’s also really tough at times and I truly believe that to give the best to our kids, they need a village of people around them.

I was asked about what support my family have this week and when Timm and I thought about who we have around us who support us and the kids, it made us think.

Our village isn’t just about family but friends too. We are lucky to have our amazing friends Caroline and Jamie who have known our kids since being babies and love them dearly. We talked to the kids about how they are trusted adults who they can turn to if they need to talk to someone other than us.

And though my sister and brother in law live in Australia, we talked about how the kids can still turn to them too. The internet has made the world a lot smaller place and no matter where we are, we can still make that connection.

It can sometimes feel as a parent that you have to have all the answers, and that’s just not possible. It’s ok to not be able to be all things at all times to our kids, it’s ok to need to rely on your village sometimes.

We talk to our kids about the trusted adults in our lives, about who they can talk to and who can be their support systems when they need it.

And it’s not always about a traumatic time, we should be having wonderful people in our lives who can inspire and excite our kids about different lives they can lead.

My friend Hannah is a real role model to my child Eli, from her travels around the world to her attitude, humour and character, Eli loves spending time with her and really looks up to her and I love that!

Friends in the LGBTQ+ community can give my gay child the support, information and experience that I just can’t. Our musician and creative friends offer perspectives that we just don’t have. We should draw on the experiences of the brilliant people in our lives to be inspirations to our kids too.

Families are so different today, we live far away from eachother and most of us don’t have that immediate local family support that used to be more of the norm in the past. But our friends can become our families and we all need to lean on others sometimes.

I feel lucky and grateful for the many wonderful people in my life and I love my village of people. From those we see often to those who are on the end of a phone or who we only see from time to time, it’s a proper blessing to know so many awesome folk.

And I suppose the biggest difficulty can be being brave enough to speak up, reach out and ask for help. It’s ok to not be able to do it all alone, it’s ok to need your village.

As much as I am so glad of the people in my life and the life of my kids, I hope that Timm and I can also be a positive impact in the lives of all our friends and their kids too.

✌?& ❤️

Sam xxx

Chronic illness and kids – dealing with mum being ill

27th March 2018/1 Comment/in Blog/by sam

One of the biggest sources of my guilt and having IBD is my kids, I feel so sad that they have a poorly mum who they see in bed so often. They’ve visited me in hospital more times than is right for a child and they cope with it phenomenally.

Today I’m feeling pretty sad and I wanted to talk about my baby Thom. He’ll kill me for saying that as he’s a teenager now, but he’ll always be my baby.

I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis before Thom was born and so all of his 13 years have been with a sick mum. He had dealt with this from conception as my IBD went into overdrive when I was pregnant with him.

During my pregnancy, I spent months with diarrhoea, stomach pain and bleeding. As I should have been concentrating on growing his wonderful little body, I was dealing with my own illness. It felt as though my body was jealously fighting for my attention, there were times when I should have been revelling in his kicks and watching those little charts to see what fruit item he was the same size as this week, and instead I was hospitalised and having blood transfusions to keep my own body strong enough to just keep us both alive.

He was born 9 days late and weighed an amazing 11lb!! I like to think that was his first little ‘fuck you’ to IBD, that he was staking his claim saying ‘this is MY mummy and we aren’t letting you win!’

Throughout his life, I’ve had 6 surgeries and many more hospital stays, there have been so many weeks where I haven’t been there for him and this breaks my heart.

He has learnt about my illness and is such a kind and understanding young man, every day he asks me if I need anything, can he do anything for me. He sees past my scars and ostomy bag, blind to any add ons and just sees me as mum.

Today I wanted to treat him, he’s on school holidays and as I work full time I’m never about during hols and so as Timm is at work and the other two kids are at school and college (different cities/different school holidays- why yes, that does make life a nightmare!!!) I thought I’d take him to the cinema. I still can’t drive, but we can get the train from our village straight to Meadowhall and I thought I’d be strong enough to try it.

But my body had different ideas, I dressed and we got out of the house but then my bag started to leak. We’ve come home and I cleaned myself up but now I’m struggling. And so the trip is cancelled.

I feel so bad.

‘Im sorry Thom Thom, I just can’t manage it’ I said to him, knowing that he’s heard these words too many bloody times in his life.

He didnt complain. He didn’t sigh or roll his eyes.

He looked at me with love and said ‘mum, it doesn’t matter, go and lie down, I love you’

This boy of mine is a gem, he never complains, he never gets mad with me, he takes it all on board and smiles. He can adapt to any situation and knows that last minute changes of plan are just one of those things.

I love him so much and I feel so lucky to have such wonderful, kind and compassionate children.

My illness brings a lot of stress into our lives, it brings my kids issues that I hate them having to deal with, but I also think that it has made them empathetic and deeply kind. They understand other people’s struggles and deal with it without drama or theatrics. They have a sense of humour and a sense of perspective way beyond their years.

And do though I often feel guilty when I can’t be like other mums, I also know that being the mum I am has brought positives to them that outweigh the negatives. And I’m a very lucky momma.

Sam xxx

The best moment in your life

24th October 2017/2 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Someone recently asked me what was the best moment in my life, and I thought about it and realised how blessed I am to have so many to choose from.

Of course, the birth of my three kids were amazing, I think especially my first son as it was that life defining moment when I became a mother. The kids changed our lives forever, they are just the best three people, they are smart, funny, loving, caring, sensitive and have beautiful souls, we couldn’t be prouder of them all and there are thousands of memories of amazing moments through their lives that have brought me so much joy.

My wedding days, yes multiple! We married in Las Vegas at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel by Elvis which was so much fun. And then we renewed our vows after ten years in a ceremony at home in our garden. Both of these were so special.

At our first wedding, we booked this amazing suite at the MGM grand, it had a hot tub and the biggest bed I’ve ever seen, it was super romantic. We had two kids when we married, Charlie was 3 and Ellie was 15 months old, the day of the wedding Ellie was sick, she’d cried all day and just wanted to be held and it was so stressful! My mum was supposed to be having them overnight so we could have a wedding night alone but she called to say she couldn’t cope with Ellie being poorly and so we picked up both kids. Our wedding night was spent with the kids playing in the hot tub and then all four of us ordered room service, got in the huge bed and watched Peter Pan. I suppose some might think it ruined things, but honestly, that moment of snuggling together and for the first time all having the same surname was perfect.

Our wedding renewal was one of the best days of my life, it was just perfect and I wish I could relive it! It was heaven, but there was a moment when all the guests had gone home (or passed out in the house!), it was quiet, 3am and after a whirlwind of a day, it was finally just me and Timm, I took off my shoes and got muddy stockings, Timm got a blanket and two glasses of champagne and we laid in a hammock together under the stars. That moment was pretty wonderful.

But there is one moment that is just my favourite. It’s the moment where if I had to live forever in it, I think I’d be happy.

Timm and I went to Vegas for a friends wedding a few years ago, we flew into LA and drove to Vegas. We stopped a night in a place called Pioneertown, Timm had been there before when he was touring and was desperate for me to see it. We got there late at night and so there wasn’t much to see, there’s one tiny motel and we crashed in bed exhausted.

We woke super early, it was still dark but jet lag kicked in and we were wide awake. Timm grabbed his jeans and I pulled on my boots and a hoodie with my nightie and we went outside as the sun started to rise. As we left our room I got my first glimpse of this amazing view, we were in the desert and I looked out on a street that could have been straight out of an old school western movie.

We went to the back of the motel and all we could see was sand, cacti and the biggest sky I’ve ever seen. There was so much sky, and as the sun slowly rose, it was every shade of pink and orange, no artist has ever painted anything as beautiful as that sky. We sat on a rock, hand in hand in silence, just watching the most perfect sunrise over a vista of empty space. No cars, no buildings, no people, just silence, nature and beauty.

I looked back and found I had taken a picture of this morning, it’s not the best! We both look ever so tired and a bit rough and it doesn’t do the view justice at all!! But this is it, this is my best moment.

If there was one place I could go back to, Pioneertown would be it. Ive had such a tough few years, five surgeries and one more to go, all the treatments and recovery, the anxiety, the depression… There have been times where I just didn’t know whether I would make it, but in the darkest of times thinking about the joy and love at the Pioneertown Motel kind of kept me going. We plan to go back, I am not sure when, it is hard to plan too much when you are in and out of hospital but one day, Timm and I will be back under that sky.

I did some meditation recently and it suggested you imagined a place of peace, beauty and happiness and as I closed my eyes, my mind went straight to that moment, that place, that perfect moment.

What is your best moment? Let me know.

Sam xx

Are photo shoots naff when you have teenagers?

9th August 2017/3 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I LOVE photographs, I have thousands, both on my phone, on hard drives, in albums, on the walls and in boxes hidden away. I adore looking through them and remembering brilliant times and revelling in just how small and precious the kids were. Now they are teenagers. And honestly, they don’t really want me to photograph them ever. I have to steal their photos off instagram…

My husband is a photographer and though he takes beautiful images, he rarely has time to shoot us and I doubt the kids would stand for it anyway. Plus, if he is photographing us, then he isn’t in the shot!

And so, you can imagine their faces when I told them that I had booked a family photo shoot for us all. “Muuuummmmmmmmm it’s so flipppinngggg weeirrdddddd!” “WHHHYYYYYYY??? You know what we look like!!!” and my favourite “Im not doing one of those all pile on photos where the dad lays on the bottom and then you stack up in height order…”

Photo: Awkward Family Photos

And then the day came around and I drove four miserable faces out to Kelham Island in Sheffield to meet our photographer Corinne from Corinne Hills Photography. She is a personal friend of ours, and I knew her relaxed and natural style would fit in so much better with our family than any white background shot or weird posing.

Corinne usually shoots in very natural settings, she is a forest schools teacher and so is usually found in the woods playing with sticks and making fires and so I knew I was pushing her slightly in wanting an urban setting for our shoot, but we agreed that it would be the same as her other work. We’d go for a walk and she would quietly photograph us.

I was a bit worried that it might be weird or naff, that it really was something you only did with little kids. But I couldn’t have been more wrong, it felt natural and easy and the images of my beautiful kids in their teen years (Thom is nearly there at 12, Ellie is 14 and Charlie is 16) made me cry. She captured the reality of our family, the silliness and the imperfections, she caught the moment I accidentally hit Ellie in the face and the repercussions of that! She caught my children’s personalities and their quirks and the photos make my heart swell.

If you would like Corinne to photograph your family, get in touch through www.corinnehillsphotography.com though you may have to wait a while as she is laid up with a broken ankle and is very pregnant! But I guarantee you, it will be worth the wait!

Enjoy!

Love Sam xx

My perfect family… Glastonbury 2017

13th July 2017/3 Comments/in Blog/by sam

“You have such a perfect family!”

I got told this after sharing photos of our trip to Glastonbury this year and so I thought I would share a few pics of my perfect family. We never argue, the kids are always on perfect behaviour, our home is a sanctuary of calm, peace and love. There is never a raised voice, never a curse word muttered. We all just live in harmony.

I mean, of course, that is all bullshit. When I got told how perfect my family are based on these images, it made me think about how we come across on social media.

Yes, we had a wonderful time but I didn’t take photos of the guilt I felt when I had to nap every day. I didn’t take photos of the ostomy bag leak and me crying my eyes out. I didn’t take photos of the arguments the kids had or the time my eldest lost my youngest in a festival or the anxiety attack I had at 4am. I didn’t take photos of the difficulties of raising teenagers and the conflicts they are going through.

I didn’t take photos of three kids in a car, arguing over who is manspreading leading on to a battle over why the term man spreading is or isn’t sexist and a discussion about who had the biggest balls. Nor did I photograph the sheer anxiety of letting your 16 year old into a mosh pit alone, or the look on the youngest’s face when he found out the big two didn’t want to take him to see a band.

I didn’t take photos of my worries that my hernia was returning or the feelings of sadness and fear I had despite having this lovely family time. Or the struggles in keeping a relationship going through years of chronic illness.

I love my family, they are wonderful and I am so lucky to have them. But photos on social media only show the best of times so when you have those feelings of worry when you see everyone else having a seemingly perfect life, remember that we are all fighting our own battles and comparison to others is unhealthy and really doesn’t help!

Are my family perfect? Hell no!!!! But we get through each day and share the happy photos to celebrate the times it goes well.

& Sam

I got surprise partied!

7th June 2016/4 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Well, what a marvellous birthday I had! My birthday was last Thursday and I turned 35, we had a lovely chilled out day at home, I wasn’t feeling great and so I didn’t want to go out, but enjoyed hanging out with my family, Timm told me that on Saturday, my mum would be taking me out for a treat and then in the evening we would be going out.

For years, whenever asked what I want for my birthday, I say a surprise party. I say it to make Timm laugh as he says that I would hate a surprise as I wouldnt be in control and that the more I ask, the less likely it is to happen. It has become a running joke for such a long time.

I had a few messages and phone calls from friends in the week before my birthday, asking what I was doing and when we would catch up and so I arranged a couple of meals out later in June and it made me know I wasn’t seeing them this week. I *MAY* have been a little grumpy on the phone with a friend who asked me what I was doing and I replied “Well, obviously not seeing you if you are asking!” (Sorry guys!!!)

So Saturday came and Timm dropped me to my mums house, she then took me to Jamesons tea room in Sheffield for a wonderful surprise afternoon tea. It was so lovely, with proper tea, finger sandwiches, cake, scones, prosecco and even a fella playing piano! Such a lovely surprise, but it wasn’t over!

We then went to see a masseuse and spiritual healer who gave me a wonderful back massage (I sat on a massage chair as I can’t lie face down with my stoma) and also talked to me a little about how I was feeling about myself. I came out feeling so relaxed and calm, it was perfect. Thank you so much to my mum for a brilliant day.

Then we set off home, as we got to our house, there was nowhere to park on the front. Mum stopped and called Timm, which I thought was odd but as she’s a nervous driver I thought she was going to ask him to park for her. Timm came out and said to me “Sam, I got you another birthday present but it’s really big and is in the garden, so when you come in, can you close your eyes?”

We have an inflatable hot tub, and once before the wedding, Timm set it all up with twinkly lights and champagne. I immediately thought he had done this again and so closed my eyes and walked up the side of the house with him, I thought I was being a smart arse and said “I hope it’s the hot tub!”

I walked in the back garden and Timm told me to open my eyes…

SURRRRRPRIIIISEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

My wonderful Timm had thrown me a surprise party! Lots of friends were there to celebrate and I was 100% surprised! I honestly had no idea, I can’t believe how everyone kept it quiet!

Thank you to everyone who made it and who helped Timm out, the house and garden were filled with balloons, banners, food, drink and love. Our lovely friend Daz came and photographed the party along with Steve who did magic for us all, but everyone had pitched in and decorated, cooked and helped Timm out. I am just overwhelmed by the love and brilliance of it all, thank you, thank you, thank you xxxxx

Here are some of the lovely photos from the night courtesy of Rockerline Photography.

Thank you again to everyone, it was amazing! Love you all xxxxx

Sam x

As a parent, can I just say, I have no clue what I’m doing…

10th May 2016/1 Comment/in Blog/by sam

I have three kids aged 15, 13 and 11. From the outside, I appear to have it all in hand. My kids are polite, friendly and fun to be with. I have managed to get to this point without losing them (apart from that one time on Blackpool Pier), killing them in a stupidity accident or them hating me. I also write about life as a parent, apparently giving the public the illusion that I know what the fuck I am doing.

Therefore I get comments and messages from people who seem to think I am the Baby Whisperer crossed with Mary Poppins. That I have some magical gift or that I know the mythical answer to parenting. This post is to let you in on a secret. I have no clue what I am doing!

None of us do! Every day is a learning experience, I am just figuring it out day by day. This means sometimes I fluke it out and things go well, but other times, it all goes horribly wrong and I am left sat in a war zone wondering how much flights to the Maldives cost.

Parenting is bloody hard work. From the sleepless nights of newborns, through teething and weaning, onto the stage when they can move themselves about and suddenly every nice thing in your home goes up onto a higher level. Toddler tantrums as they discover their own voice through to starting school and suddenly having a different authority figure in their lives. Tween dramas give way to teen dramas and suddenly the issues become more expensive and more dangerous… It is scary stuff being responsible for another human being and all any of are trying to do is not fuck them up too badly.

The only way to get through is to have other honest parents to talk to, and honest is the key word here. Don’t read social media posts of the perfect mums who have made an organic breakfast, are beautifully dressed and made up, whose children are little angels who say ‘thank you mummy’ as she passes them their mung bean and papaya oatmeal and then trot out to school so mum can start her day as a high flying business woman who has it all…

Seriously, ignore that shit.

Honest parents are the best. They will tell you about the time they saw the bin van coming as they had just finished breastfeeding and went to run to put the bins out and stood in a shitty nappy, skidding across the floor and then meeting the bin man with shit up their leg and one breast hanging out of their top.

They will tell you about the times when they lost their temper and shouted at their kids and then truly regretted it and cried outside on the doorstep until said child came and said ‘don’t cry mummy’.

They will tell you that sometimes they think their kids are dickheads and they occasionally daydream of running away from home.

They will tell you that random freezer dinners of one fishfinger, 2 mini sausage rolls, a pizza finger and some beans is totally acceptable if you stick a piece of cucumber on the side.

They will tell you that their heart aches when they try and deal with teenagers who are so angst filled and bubbling with hormones that you feel like different species. That when their kids make idiotic choices and take dangerous paths that they just wish they were toddlers again so that the parents could cuddle them and watch Finding Nemo in bed and keep them safe.

They will tell you that parenting is all practicing, that they don’t have the answers and that it is hard work.

(All of these have happened to me…)

Honest parents are vital. Because when they’ve been honest about all the challenging parts of being a parent, you want to celebrate with them all the amazing parts. Because though I sound down on being a parent here, I’m really not. I love being a mum, it is literally the best thing I have ever done.

From the moment my first son was put in my arms, I felt purpose. I knew that my life had changed forever and that I would spend the rest of it protecting and loving this bundle of joy. I remember crying about the miracle of babies, how a little part of me and a little part of my partner had made an actual human being! Though that might have been the drugs…

Seeing your child grow and change is just magical, from the baby days where they are physically changing before your eyes every single day through to teens where you can see them maturing into wonderful young adults, the process is just beautiful.

The pride as you see them learn is wonderful, teaching them about the world around them and filling their minds with information and seeing them achieve is awesome. I feel a great privilege to be mum to my bambinos, and they are growing up so quickly, I feel like I am grasping onto the last moments of childhood, especially with my eldest. This week he came and laid on the sofa with me, head rested on my shoulder and watched TV. I wanted to hug him and squeeze him but instead, I nonchalantly stayed put, slowly creeping my arm over to rest on his shoulder and quietly enjoyed the moment like he was a butterfly who would flit off at any moment.

I adore being a mum, my kids mean everything to me and I wouldn’t give this life up for the world. I am so proud of them all, the three of them are all completely different with different personalities, goals and desires, but they are all just the best. I can love them but still freely admit that I don’t have a clue what I am doing.

People ask me for parenting advice often, I don’t feel I can give it as all kids and families are so different. But if I am pushed, I say this:

No child ever went bad from being loved too much. Tell them you love them. Often. Seriously every day. Yep, especially when you are arguing.
If you fuck up, admit it and say sorry. You are teaching them that even their Mighty Grand High Parent sometimes gets it wrong and thats ok.
Fill your home and your life with interesting things, people and experiences. Kids are little sponges of curiosity, teach them everything, give them culture, show them the world around them.
Don’t go it alone, speak to other (HONEST) parents. This shit is hard work, it is not failing to ask for help.
Boost their self-esteem. Be genuine and when they are awesome, tell them.
Give them the gift of art. Encourage their creativity and celebrate art and music. Whether it is cartoons or the Mona Lisa, finger painting or building cardboard dens. Art is vital for kids, I honestly believe this and I think it helps them with pretty much every part of their lives.
Be interested in their lives, there will come a day when they won’t want to share everything with you and you will miss it.
Be honest with them. Be open and true and tell the truth about life, even if it is difficult.
Enjoy them. They grow up so quickly. Someone once told me “you never know when it will be your last”, the last time they kiss you in front of their pals, the last time they’ll sit on your knee, the last time they will sleep in your bed… Cherish every moment.
Take them outdoors. Mud pies, woodland walks, playing with sticks, building dens, laying in the sun, making daisy chains, playing games. These things really matter. Trust me.
Be grateful. You have children when there are so many people in this world can’t. Don’t take them for granted, love them, revel in them and celebrate them.

Sam xx

Getting back to what you love – reconnecting with nature

9th May 2016/5 Comments/in Blog/by sam

One of my fondest memories as a child is of my nannan’s garden. She grew flowers and plants that were beautiful, but also fruit and veg, I remember eating strawberries with her straight from the ground, our fingers and lips sticky and red with the juice. My nannan’s garden and home was a place of love and joy, a time spent with all my cousins playing and having fun. Even now, at almost 91, nan lives in the same house, and her garden is still filled with blooms. I visit her every week and last week, she was saying how much she wishes she still had the energy to grow her own vegetables, but she is happy just being able to potter and look out on her plot.

When my kids were very small, we moved house to a new area that was much more rural and in our little garden, I started planting fruit and vegetables for us to eat. I had little idea what I was doing but grew easy plants such as tomatoes, peas and herbs. I loved being in the garden and really enjoyed seeing the kids eat straight from the veg patch as I had so many years before.

I love seeing them out in nature, getting dirty and having fun, the veg and plants are my joy, but for them it is just about playing and being outdoors, from mud pies to dens. It was much easier when they were small to get them outside, now at 15, 13 and 11, it takes a little more persuasion, but once they are out, they get right back into it.

Since those early days, I have slowly learnt more and more and grown more each year. I’m no expert and still rely heavily on gardening books and the Internet, but I feel so happy in the garden and so I just go with a trial and error tactic. The past 3 years have been tough with me not being physically strong enough to grow anything. I felt that planting things would end up as more work for Timm if I fell ill.

In January this year, I had another big surgery. I had my failing Jpouch removed, a permanent stoma formed and my butt removed. The recovery was so hard and I couldn’t even bathe myself, I was bed bound and felt so weak.

We were in the middle of buying a house at the time that has an allotment in the garden. A dream come true but during my recovery, it became a source of immense anxiety. I couldn’t imagine being strong enough to do the basics, let alone to plant and maintain a full allotment!

It just seemed so unobtainable. I was so physically weak, just walking to the bathroom left me out of breath. I was in so much pain and I felt helpless, useless and hopeless.

People told me to take one day at a time, to remember that my body was healing but that I would be stronger very soon. I couldn’t imagine it. I could barely turn over in bed, how would I turn over an allotment’s worth of soil in the vegetable beds?

But I’m so pleased to say that here I am! My allotment is well on the way, with a lot of help from Timm with the heavier work and lots of time of seated planting and gentle, slow work, the garden is looking amazing!

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far and we had a day in the lotty, it was so hot that I was in shorts and a bikini top. It’s quite private so I wasn’t worried about being overlooked, but as I worked away, I looked down at my bag and it made me realise just how far I have come.

I am certainly not at full strength, my recovery is still continuing and I am still having some pains and niggles. I am being careful, I don’t push myself too hard and I listen to my body. But I am here doing it! It feels amazing and it makes me celebrate how far I have come.

Four months ago, I was bed bound and could do nothing for myself, today I am up and about, getting stronger each day and making sure that I am doing the things that make me happy.

I’m being careful but I’m dog walking, I’m gardening, I’m spending more time outside in the fresh air and this is helping not only my physical health, but my mental and emotional health too.

If you are struggling right now with poor health, just remember that things won’t always be so tough. We have bad days, bad weeks, bad months even, but on the good days, we need to think about what will make us really happy and aim for that.

I’m a big believer that the outdoors is good for us, we need to try and get out every day. Be it for 5 minutes sitting with the sun on your face or a walk or run. It helps a lot when the weather is good, but being in the outdoors, especially woodland and countryside can really lift the mood.

I was reminded of the importance of this, this week, when I felt as though I had lost my kids to their computers and so we switched everything off and spent a day in the allotment. At first they were grumpy, but very quickly, they started helping out, playing, building dens and more importantly, talking and laughing. We are all so reliant on computers and phones, sometimes you just need to disconnect and reconnect with nature and family.

I know that can be easier said than done but today, if possible, turn off your computer, go outside and get back to something you love.

Sam xx

Happy Mothers Day

6th March 2016/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Dear Mum,

Happy Mother’s Day!

Just a post to say how grateful I am for everything you do for me and my family and to tell you we all love you very much. No mother and daughter relationship is without it’s bumps and arguments, and ours is the same but I love you lots and just wanted to tell you how special you are to me.

Your help and support this year has been a life saver, thank you for looking after us all, caring for me and being there for all five of us. There’s not many son in laws who love their mother in laws quite as much as Timm loves you and so this is from him too, he loves you Mo Mo!

Thank you for being an amazing nannan to my kids, you mean the world to them and you know how much Charlie adores you (“just move in nan!!”) I adore the relationship you have with them, you are so special to them and they couldn’t love you more. You are the best nannan ever.

I am sorry when I am not there for you, I know I am not the best daughter in the world (and we all know who your favourite is *COUGH AUSSIES!!* :P) I know I don’t call as often as I should and I am a bit rubbish at keeping in touch but you are in my thoughts all the time.

You are totally bonkers and still manage to surprise me when you turn up to parties in a naked fat suit or dressed like Elvis Presley. You can drink me under the table, your shot drinking is astounding and you kick ass at Beer Pong.

You’ve been through a lot and it’s not easy for you, I know. But know we love spending time with you, our holidays are brilliant, whether it’s in this country or abroad. I am really proud of you when you try new things and I still can’t believe we got you on a horse!!!

Thank you for always being there for us, your cooking is second to none and you know that when the kids come home from school and see your car in the drive, they run in shouting “YEY! Nan’s cooking curry!!!”

Thank you for all the cooking and cleaning when I was recovering from this surgery, for helping Timm and taking some of the strain. Thanks for helping me to bathe, probably not something you thought you’d ever have to do again! And thank you mostly for sitting in bed with me and watching a whole season of Hell’s Kitchen! “That’s f**king RAW!”

Happy Mothers Day momma,

I love you,

Sam xx

Tag Archive for: family

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Happy Mothers Day

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