Although Im a big believer in positivity, I also think it is healthy to expel all the things you hate, to write them down and cast them out and so I though Id do a list of things I hate about IBD, ileostomies and chronic illness. With my surgery looming I am possibly not feeling at my most upbeat so bear with me…
I HATE not being a ‘normal’ person. Not in the personality stakes as Im ok with being a bit odd and weird but in the health stakes, I HATE that I can’t just have normal bodily functions, that I have to have medication or surgery or different treatments to just function the way everybody else does.
I HATE being flaky. By this I mean backing out of plans at the last minute because I don’t feel well, being unable to fulfil responsibilities whether they are family, work or friendships.
I HATE that I can’t plan things in advance due to not knowing how I will be health wise on any given day.
I HATE that I feel weak. That sometimes I can’t do the things I want to do and I have to ask for help.
I HATE that my illness becomes all I talk about. Sometimes the last thing I want to do (believe it or not!!) is talk about my arse.
I HATE that my kids see me ill and unable to do the things I need and want to do. I HATE that they miss out on things because of me.
I HATE that my illness and treatment upsets those around me.
I HATE that sometimes, no matter how confident I am, that slight rustle of my bag can, at times, make my self esteem plummet.
I HATE that my husband becomes my carer.
I HATE that I feel exhausted and broken a lot of the time.
I HATE that sometimes my disease makes me selfish, I am so snowed under by how the illness is affecting me that I am not aware of the people around me.
I suppose the key thing in all those things is the word ‘sometimes’. Life isn’t always shit, most of the time I can overcome anything! But ‘sometimes’ these things get to me and it is easy to think life sucks. When I feel like this I let myself have a good old wallow, because we do need to lay and weep eating our own body weight in ice-cream whilst watching a box set of My So-Called Life (or is that just me?) then I make myself think of all the awesome things in my life and I suck it up buttercup and move forward.
Love Sam x