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You can’t heal the wound with the knife still in it

I saw this tweet this week from showupforthis and it stopped me in my tracks.

It is talking about the trauma of Covid and the past year of the pandemic, and makes complete sense. But for me it made me think about the trauma of several years of ongoing poor health, surgeries, pain and suffering. I have been giving myself such a hard time about feeling depressed and struggling to ‘get over’ my illness. But this hit me hard. Of course I cannot heal the trauma when I am still in the middle of it!

I am still unwell, I am on a lot of medication and seeing two different consultants. I am starting with other symptoms and being referred to another specialist. My tummy is disfigured and swollen and very painful. I have fatigue, I can’t sleep without sleeping tablets due to anxiety and I am on antidepressants.

Yet I am asking myself why do I feel like this? Why am I so low and anxious? This tweet summed it all up for me.

You can’t heal a wound with a knife still in it.

I am still on the journey, I am still dealing with surgery and medications but I am expecting myself to be dealing with the trauma. The knife is still well and truly stuck in there and I am wondering why the wound isn’t healing!

I suppose I just wanted to write about this as I know so many of us give ourselves such a hard time whilst never looking past the surface. Many of us are living with daily pain and massive uncertainty with out health and wonder why we feel so low about it.

Not that all hope is lost, as it says, we can identify the wound, we can learn coping strategies to live with it in our side. We can move forward in learning more about ourselves and how we can manage to live the best life right now. And maybe one day I will learn to heal. But I feel like giving myself a break from wondering why I am not healing right this second.

The NHS say “Two thirds of people with a long-term physical health condition also have a mental health problem, mostly anxiety and depression.”  So we are more likely to struggle with our mental health. Maybe it is time we spoke about this a little more as I am shocked by that statistic!

This quote isn’t going to rid me of all anxiety, nor is it going to fix me. But it is going to be another card in my positive affirmations that I tell myself when times are really shitty.

I hope it helps you too

Peace and love

Sam xx

Journalling

Last year I decided to keep a journal, not so much a diary but a book to draw in, make notes, save clippings, cards and photographs. I called it my Stuff and Nonsense book and for the first time ever, I actually kept it up all year! I have tried to keep a diary before, but every time, I forget or just don’t have the time or head space to write in it. My journal last year felt much freer and simpler. I didn’t need to write in it every day or every week, but it was a space to vent or share or just put pretty things.

Journal

I will keep another this year, as I do feel it really helped my mental health. It was a private space (though I am going to share a few pics here) and I used it in bad times and good. What was nice was looking back through it when I was having a bad time and remembering that there were nice times even in the darkest days.

In February last year, I had my last major surgery and afterwards I was incredibly poorly. My stoma stopped working and I had to go on TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) and had an NG tube (Naso Gastro tube). My kidneys began to shut down and I had a stage 3 AKI (Acute Kidney Injury). Almost a year on, I am still recovering and dealing with after effects from this both physically and mentally. The journal gave me a place to share whether that was artwork, poetry or just a blurting out of words and images that explained how I felt.

I also kept a list of all the books I read in 2020, I love reading and I think writing them down actually made me read a little more than usual.

Ive seen a lot of bullet journals that look beautiful and though mine may be a little shabby and rough around the edges, I love it and think it will be a great thing to look back on through 2020, one of the weirdest years ever! I will definitely be doing another in 2021.

Let me know if you have a journal or diary and how it has helped you.

Peace and love

Sam xx

I feel so lost

This is a post from my facebook page, I just wanted to explain where I am right now. But I am posting this at 4am because after a long time, I just sat up in bed and thought ‘I want to write’. So I am hoping there will be more blog posts coming soon.

I feel so lost at the minute.

This time last year I had a job I loved, I had my own radio show on the BBC, I was blogging and I thought my surgery had been successful and the future felt bright.

Right now I’m recovering from 9th surgery. I have no job, the radio show has been put on hold due to corona and I just feel like I dont even know who I am any more.

During the last surgery in hospital I was really poorly. My bowel didnt wake up from the op for 17 days and then my kidneys packed in. I had a stage 3 AKI and I was very very ill, they said I was lucky to have come through.

And at the time you are just surviving. Getting through each hour, each day. But now I have time to reflect and i feel quite traumatised by it all. 

Then to come home to the world turning upside down with corona, lockdown and so many people dying. It is all a bit much.

The one thing I’ve always loved is writing. But I have lost my confidence even with that. I try to blog and just stare at the screen. I just have lost it. 

That’s why there have been no updates. But I’m trying. I’m writing this on my phone so it doesnt feel like “real writing”. 

I just feel a bit hollow and that I have nothing to give. 

So I’m sorry I’m absent and miserable right now. I’m going to try working on me and I’ll be about as much as I can. Because I bloody love sobadass, both the blog and on fb. I have avoided because I dont feel I am a good writer and I dont want to be sharing crap. 

I am lost, traumatised, sad and empty. And when you feel like this, you feel like you have no talent, nothing special and nothing to give to others. 

But I am trying. And I’ll keep trying.

✌🏽& ❤ 
Sam xx