Tag Archive for: relationships

What matters

We are pushed through life to think about what matters, about how much money we have, how much stuff. We ask kids what job they want to do from being so young and as adults, its the question you ask of a stranger when you meet. We live in a very materialistic world where our worth is based on how much we have.

But today as I lay in bed feeling ill and sorry for myself, I was thinking about what actually matters. It is, of course, people. Our relationships with others. Our family and friends. We all know this but sometimes it feels like we forget it in our busy lives.

Today, my hair is matted and greasy. I’ve had a tough few days with what I think is a partial blockage of my stoma. This is on top of the daily pain I have had every day since my surgery in February. And I was thinking back to my recovery from that last operation.

At my lowest when I had nothing left, no energy, pain, failing kidneys, the thing I had that mattered the most was an incredible team of friends and family around me. It didn’t matter what clothes I wore, what car I drove or how much money was in my bank. What mattered was the kindness and love of my tribe.

My friend Hannah heard from Timm that I had been upset about my hair. After three weeks in HDU and on the wards unable to wash it, it was greasy and knotted. I’d had it tied on top of my head and it was matted and dirty. She came in to visit me and brought supplies! Shampoo, detangler, the works. And she helped me into the bath in hospital, and washed and brushed my hair. She wasn’t embarrassed or put off by my bruised, swollen and bleeding body. She didn’t judge me or look away.

She helped me undress, get in the bath and was so gentle and loving. I cried as she took my bobble out and my hair was so matted it barely moved. But it was OK, she said it was going to be fine.

In that moment, and now looking back on it, I knew how lucky I was to have her and other friends who were there for me.

There was so much love and support. Friends who just came and sat by my bed, those who did laundry, who cooked for my kids and took them out for days to take their minds of things. My aunty who trawled shops to bring me several types of yoghurt because after 3 weeks of not eating, it was the first thing I fancied! My husband and friends who found stocks of long ice pops in February so I could suck on something to soothe my mouth when I couldn’t eat. More people than I can name here came to me in my time of need and were just ‘there’.

My friend Tania who came and massaged my hands and arms because she instinctively knew I just needed some human touch.

My friend Caroline who listened to me weep and tell her I couldn’t get through this. Who just cried along with me, told me it was all shitty but we’d get through it.

My friend Sarah who stuck sweety red laces up her nose so she looked like she had an NG tube too and made me laugh. Then went home and looked after my family.

My kids who were terrified. I will never be able to make it up to them. They visited and were scared. Scared to touch me, scared of the tubes and wires. They were and are troopers who have seen more hospital wards than any child should.

My husband. Who I dont even have the words for. He is everything. He never gives up on me, never loses his patience, and is always there. 12 hours a day he sat by my bed. He’s seen it all and been through more than I have as I don’t remember half of it.

I suppose my point today is, that I am incredibly grateful to my squad, but also that people matter.

Be the kindness you want to see in the world. Cherish the ones closest to you. Nurture your relationships and love hard. Say ‘I love you’ to the people you love. Pick up the phone and call your friends. Give love out into the world and it does come back to you.

Life is tough this year, we are all suddenly faced with illness and death in our day to day lives. But as we head into Christmas and all the pressures of spending and buying expensive things, remember that the most important thing, the thing that matters the most are the people you love.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Gratitude

I don’t want this to sound twee, but today I am writing about gratitude. Finding the things in your life to feel grateful for even when everything feels rubbish.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when we all need to wallow in that swamp of woe. We need time to feel those feelings and accept them. It is healthy for us to look at the negative stuff going on around us. Sometimes we all just need to have a big cry/scream/shout/snotty tantrum.

Also there are times when we just can’t ‘pull ourselves together’. I have been in that pit of depression where I could barely hold my head up, let alone start searching for the things in my life to be grateful for.

But sometimes, it can really help when we are feeling down and in the shit, to think about the good things in our life.

Gratitude

At the minute, I am still trying to come to terms with the traumatic experience I had during and after my last surgery in February. And it is easy for me to slide further and further into the quicksand of despair. I find myself instantly taken back to certain moments around my recovery and the panic hits me. I put on a nightie and all of a sudden I was in the moment of wearing that nightie and having an NG tube pushed down my nose and throat. I swear I could feel it and my chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe. I burst into tears. All because of that nightie.

I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night and I just was back in the moment where I was vomiting litres of bile and my kidneys were shutting down. I thought I was going to die and all I could think was about the kids not having to see my dead body in the house. And I am there. I have time travelled back to that point. It is terrifying.

So I have been trying to avoid thinking about it. To not remember being in hospital. Because it is scary and it hurts. I mean, it’s not working! I have no control over these memories that pop into my head just to scare the pants off me.

So instead I am trying to remember the good bits. As small as those bits were, they were there. And it was all about the people around me.

People

My friend Hannah came to visit me in hospital, we have been friends for almost 30 years. She had heard that I was upset that my hair was dirty. I’d not really been able to wash properly, I had bed baths but couldn’t wash my hair. She came to see me and helped me to have a bath. She washed my hair like I was a child. I was so vulnerable and weak, I couldn’t do anything for myself. Weirdly, now I think about how laid bare I was, but she didn’t make me feel embarrassed. It was so loving and sensitive. I am truly grateful to her for being there for me in such a time of need.

I am grateful to my friend Caroline who visited me at my lowest and my worst. Who allowed me to cry and tell her my fears without judgement. She held my hand and let me be. She has been there through every surgery, every recovery and every time has kept me going. She has seen the worst of me and still loves me. She is my soul mate.

I am grateful to Sarah who not only has looked after me, but after my family. She cleaned the house, cooked meals for the family and took the kids out to take their minds of it. She visited me in hospital and at home and has been so kind, patient and hilarious. It meant the world for her to be thinking of Timm and the kids in a time where I didn’t have the energy to. She came and just laid in bed with me when I came home. No expectations, not a guest just a friend to be there.

I am grateful to Tania who came to see me in hospital and remembered that what we all need the most is human touch. She came and massaged my hands and arms, not put off by the tubes and wires that were everywhere. She reconnected me to life, to the world by massaging my skin and holding my hands. She went through meditations and breathing with me, teaching me to visualise my pain and fear.

I am grateful to my sister Lisa who lives in Australia and called me, messaged me every day. She had to deal with the stress of knowing how unwell I was and being so far away. There were so many days where I was so ill, so out of it that I couldn’t speak to her or reply and I know how tough that must have been. But knowing she was there and her constant love made all the difference.

I am grateful to all my WhatsApp crew, there was a WhatsApp group of loved ones who sent messages from all over the world. Who made me laugh, who cared, who were really inappropriate (!) and who made a network of support that I am truly grateful for. I feel lucky to have so many amazing people around me, thank you to every person who visited me, who sent me a message, a phone call, a card. Thanks to my aunties and uncle who came to see me in hospital.

I can’t name every person, but there are so many loving friends and family members who visited, called me or sent messages. And to each and every one, I thank you more than you’ll ever know.

Timm

And of course to my husband Timm. I don’t even know what to write. I had nothing and he was there. I was at the bottom, I had nothing left to give and I clung to him, begging him not to leave my side. He sat for hours every day next to my bed. Arriving at 8am and leaving at 8pm. Most of the time I was asleep or crying. He took it all in his stride.

He was there for the tubes going in and out, held my hand through scans and cannulas. He wasn’t put out by the tubes in my nose, the bags of bile, the vomiting, the poo, the central lines. He just quietly held my hand, kissed my head and told me it was all going to be ok.

When I was so weak, when my kidneys were failing and I couldn’t sit up, let alone stand. When I was barely conscious. When they told us it was serious. When I thought I was going to die. He was there. Every moment.

It has been so hard to write all this down. To go back over scary and traumatic memories. But in each moment, I am concentrating not on the horror. But on the person who was there with me.

They say in the toughest of times, you find out who is on your side. And man, I have the best side going.

So I will focus on my gratitude. On the people around me who have held me up, kept me going and loved me. To my friends who have been there at the worst of times. I have had a tough time but my god, I am so lucky.

Sometimes, people ask me how I cope. How do I deal with having been ill for so long, with having so many surgeries. And to them I say it is because I have the best support system in the world. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Visiting people in hospital – How to help

Over the past month I have been very unwell in hospital after a big surgery. I have been so lucky to have lots of friends supporting me. So I thought I would write about how you can help when visiting a friend or loved one who is in hospital.

It can be really hard when someone you care about is in hospital. When you just want to help, but you aren’t sure what to do. So here is my list, please feel free to leave a comment if there is anything you would add.

Group messages

I started a WhatsApp group message before I went into hospital with some of my nearest and dearest. This was so that my husband just had one message to send after my op to let people know how I was doing. I knew there were a few different people who would want to know and this made it easier for Timm. We added friends and family members who have told me it was good to have one place to check for updates.

woman in hospital bed in HDU

VISITING

When?

It can be difficult to know when and if you should visit. For me, the first week after my surgery this time, I really didn’t want to see anyone apart from my husband. I felt extremely vulnerable and emotional and I just couldn’t bear the thought of visitors. I was falling asleep all the time and in a lot of pain. There were tubes everywhere and I really didn’t want to see anyone. And I really appreciated that my friends and family respected this. And when I felt up to it, I let them know through the WhatsApp group.

Check the visiting hours, in Sheffield visiting is open 8am – 8pm. For me this was great as it meant my husband could come in the morning and help me with getting washed. It’s worth checking with the patient or their closest person if there are specific times that would be best. My husband loves a spreadsheet and would let my friends and family know when to come. This meant no one would clash, or come at the same time as my kids and have a wasted journey.

How long?

It is easy to feel overwhelmed by visits. Be aware of how long you stay. About half an hour was my limit before I was really tired. Listen to the patient. I felt bad that people had made the effort to come to see me and so it was great when my visitors saw me flagging and left me to rest. Another friend brought her kindle and said to me “if you are tired, then rest your eyes and don’t worry about me, Ill be here when you wake up” and that was great!

What can you do?

Ask if there is anything practical you can do. My friend Hannah visited me and helped me have a bath. I had mentioned that I felt upset that my hair was dirty and I was worried that it smelled. I have been friends with Hannah for nearly 30 years and she is a nurse. So I felt comfortable with her seeing me naked and helping me bathe. It was amazing!

My friend Tania came and massaged my arms and hands. This was so lovely. I realised that you don’t really get touched in hospital apart from for medical reasons. So the touch of someone else with love and care was actually quite emotional.

Sam Cleasby IBD stony disability blogger Sheffield northern general NG tube

GIFTS

Ask if the patient is eating or drinking. I had visitors bring me biscuits and chocolate but I wasn’t allowed to eat! It was fine as I sent them home for my kids who were thrilled but I did feel a bit bad when they brought them in and realised I couldn’t eat!

I got some lovely cards and gifts too. This was so kind and thoughtful and I greatly appreciated them. But I also had visitors apologising for turning up empty handed and had to tell them that I didn’t need anything! It was just great to have them visit.

Remember that most hospitals do not allow flowers so don’t waste your money. I think the biggest thing is to just ask if the patient needs anything. There were days when I needed or wanted specific things; ice pops, menstrual pads, certain drinks and it was very much appreciated!

Are you a risk?

Don’t visit anyone in hospital if you are unwell. If you have a cough or cold or sickness and diarrhoea, do not put the patient at risk! Also if you have kids who are unwell, it is worth you not visiting incase you are carrying a bug.

In general, I would always say that other people’s kids shouldn’t visit hospitals unless confirmed with the patient and the ward that they are allowed.

Always wash your hands and use the antibacterial liquids around the hospital before having any contact with the patient.

DO YOU SMELL?

This might be a weird one, but my sense of smell was really heightened when I was in hospital. So when visiting, be aware of things like heavy perfumes or aftershaves. Also if you are a smoker, avoid smoking just before visiting. I have heard from other people that it is an issue for them too.

visiting someone in hospital

EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL STATES

Be aware that lots of people can act and feel very different to how they are normally when in hospital, especially if they have been in for a while or are on strong painkillers and medication. Patients can feel great the first day after surgery, but can struggle on day 3 and 4. Strong medications can really affect people and make them confused, upset and not themselves. This time I had an incredibly tough time, I cried a lot and felt extremely down. I know it was upsetting for my visitors to see me in tears.

I also felt quite confused. This was a mix of painkillers and also I really believe that ward life really adds to confusion. There were many days when I didn’t know what the day or date was. I am going to write a whole blog about this as I think it is something we don’t really talk about. I felt like I was losing my mind some days. But 3 weeks just staring at the same walls, have no windows, little sleep, lots of drugs and being scared and in pain can really affect your mental and emotional health.

YOUR VISIT CAN IMPROVE THEIR OUTCOME

Emotions have a powerful effect on a patient’s health. Having a positive outlook, using mindfulness and having a strong mind/body connection is said to improve outcomes. Studies have been done that say that a positive visit to someone in hospital can also improve the patient’s outcome, reduce pain and improve mental and emotional health.

According to the thesis Impact of Family Presence in the Healthcare Setting “Positive patient outcomes include accelerated recovery time, increased reports of comfort, and decreased duration of hospital stay. Research shows that patient outcomes are impacted greatly by family presence.”

So know that you making the effort to come and visit someone in hospital is not only a kind and caring thing to do and will make your friend or family member smile, you also could be helping them get better.

Speaking of smiling, don’t be afraid to make jokes and laugh. I knew how poorly I was and there were times that I needed a quiet visit. But a lot of the time it was nice to joke and laugh. My husband and friends made terrible jokes, laughed at dark things (just ask Timm about the doctor sticking his big fat finger in my stoma and telling us it was very tight). Laughter does help!

children and chronic illness ibd surgery

IF YOU CAN’T VISIT

Sometimes it is impossible for you to visit and that sucks. Maybe you live far away? My sister lives in Australia and my sister in law lives in Lanzarote and I know it was really tough on them. They felt like they couldn’t do anything to help. Or maybe you are unwell, or have a compromised immune system and coming into hospital is a no go.

The messages and phone calls I got whilst in hospital meant the world. I loved being able to chat to people by text or facetime and it was as lovely as a visit in real life. Though it was hard at first because I was so poorly I couldn’t manage to be on my phone. Once I was feeling better though, it was great to catch up. Especially with my sister, due to the time difference, she was my night shift!

Technology is your friend in these situations. I think messaging is great as it gives the patient time and the ability to not reply if they don’t feel up to it right at that moment. Just don’t get offended if they don’t reply right away!

DON’T FORGET THE FAMILY

One of the greatest things my friends and family did whilst I was in the hospital was to think about not just me but about my husband and kids too. From taking the kids out, cleaning the house, sending gifts to driving the kids about and just chatting to them all and asking how they are doing. It meant so much to know that they were being looked after too.

I’d love to hear from you if you have any hints or tips for visiting people in hospital.

Peace and love

Sam xx

Lola’s last walk

Thank you so much for all the kind messages after I shared that we may be losing our darling dog Lola. On Tuesday, we took her to the vets and made the heartbreaking decision to have her put to sleep.

Lola was our dog for 12 years since being a tiny pup. She gave us the most amazing life, filled with joy and love. And in her final days, we made sure we repaid her kindness. We tried to give her the gentlest time and all our love and respect.

Saying goodbye

Our son left for Uni this year and we knew we needed to give him a chance to say goodbye to her. So we drove her up to his Uni house and we all had a bit of time together.

We bought her a McDonalds on the way home!

dog eating burger

We made sure the kids had time to say goodbye to our gorgeous girl.

girl and dog
boy and dog

Lola’s last walk

On Tuesday morning Timm and I took Lola for her last walk. It was a beautiful sunny, winter day. She slowly trotted around the park with us and we took in the last precious time with her. We then took her to the vets who confirmed that her blood tests were very bad and she didn’t think she would have long. She talked to us about options and her fears of Lola going downhill very quickly. She was bleeding in her tummy. We agreed with the heaviest of hearts that putting her to sleep was the kindest option. It was devastating but it was incredibly peaceful and she passed away laid in our laps, looking in our eyes and being told how much we love her.

dog walking in the sun

Then we had to make the decision of what to do with her. I am thankful a friend had recommended a Pet Crematorium who had looked after her pet when they died. She said ‘his name is Chris, just give him a call and have a chat’. We did and he was so caring and kind that we decided to take Lola to him at Old Flatts Farm.

Old Flatts Farm Pet Cremation

We pulled up to a beautiful farmhouse that Lola would have adored, and took her into the chapel of rest where she was placed in a basket. The room was lit with candles and was peaceful, we were given as much time as we needed with her. It was a lovely room and it was so nice to have the space and time to say goodbye away from the vets.

Then we went into Chris’ office where he encouraged us to talk about Lola and our relationship. How we got her, our favourite memories, the times we had together. He told us about how he started the business after his own dog died and he just wanted to make somewhere that gave pets the service, respect and goodbyes that they deserved.

We weren’t rushed, there was no hard sell, there was no pressure. It almost felt like speaking to a therapist! We both cried and were upset but Chris was warm, caring and professional and we left an awful event with some peace and the knowledge we had done the best for her.

I received Lola’s ashes back in a beautiful cardboard tube wrapped in dried flowers. We also got a condolences card with some forget-me-not seeds and chose to have Lola’s paw print in clay framed.

dog cremation South Yorkshire
dog memorial

What next?

I can’t recommend Old Flatts Farm Pet Crematorium enough. This isn’t about me trying to advertise them (and it was of course fully paid for by me, this isn’t some some of blog gifting) but I am just so grateful that we were told about this service and I want to pass that on. I had no idea what the process was after death with pets. We have had a cat and a chihuahua die before. But due to their size, and where we lived, we buried them ourselves. But Lola was a larger dog and we are moving house next week. So the idea of burying her seemed difficult due to size and also we didn’t want to bury her in a house we were leaving!

It was such a beautiful way to deal with her after her death. Chris has so much compassion and care and is very easy to talk to. He made an awful situation just a little easier. And I do have to say that his service (including the paw in the frame) was cheaper than the vet service.

After

The house is now very quiet. We have another dog, Lemmy, and he seems confused and unsettled. We all keep crying over small things, noticing her dog bowl being moved, finding an old toy, seeing her lead. But we are talking about her and we will never forget her.

Some people say “it’s only a dog”. They are wrong. Lola was our family, she made us laugh, was there when we were celebrating, she was there when we cried. I told Lola things that Ive never told anyone else. I have cried into her fur after surgeries when it all seemed to much, I have whispered my pain to her, told her my secrets. She has forced me to get out of the house when I was depressed to walk her. And I know she has had a similar relationship with Timm and all three bambinos.

Lola was the best dog in the world. And we will never forget her.

Sam xx

Our Lola – when it’s time to say goodbye to your best furry friend

Grief is devastating. And if you have had a pet, you will understand that they are your family. I am going to attempt to write this tonight whilst I have the strength. Our lovely 12 year old pup Lola is heading towards the end of her life. Tomorrow we take her to the vets in the understanding that she might not be coming home with us. My heart is broken.

portrait of a dog crown and paw
Queen Lola – by Crown and Paw

Finding Lola

In 2007, we decided to get a dog. Timm and I both had dogs as kids and we knew we wanted our kids to know the joy of having a canine BFF. I went to the Rotherham Dog Rescue website and saw there was a litter of puppies that were in foster care. The mother was a family pet who got out and come home pregnant. We went through the home checks with the rescue centre and then I went to visit the pups.

There were 5 or 6 puppies tumbling out the kitchen, jumping up at the little gate, trying to get my attention. But one was shyly hanging back, looking interested but not pushing forward. I went and picked her up, she snuggled into my arms and promptly fell asleep. And I knew she was the one.

Our kids were 2, 4 and 6 at the time and they instantly fell in love with her. We got her around this time of the year, she was barely past 6 weeks but as she was no longer with her mother, they let us bring her home with us. They say a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. We are lucky to have had her for 11 Christmases.

Three young kids with a puppy

Our best doggy friend

Over the past 12 years, she has been our best friend, our constant side kick, my bed buddy when I was poorly and recovering from surgery. She was part of our wedding, has been a shoulder to cry on to all of us at one point or another. Lola put up with having bobbles on her ears and tutus on her back when the kids were little. She is the best dog any of us could ever hope for.

A few weeks ago she started acting oddly. She was weeing on beds and sofas, something she has never done before. She seemed a little confused and not quite herself. But we put it down to her age, as a 12 year old, she was allowed a few senior moments! Then last week she began to vomit. Not much, but it seemed odd. We thought she may have eaten something dodgy as she has a tendency to eat anything and everything!

Teenagers with a family dog

At the end of last week, her poo changed colour to black and she vomited a few more times, so we took her to the vets for some blood tests. They gave her anti sickness meds, though they didn’t help.

The worst news

Today they called with the worst news. They think she has cancer in her stomach. She is anaemic and losing blood in her vomit and poo. Her kidneys are failing and she has pancreatitis. We are devastated.

The vet believes that with her age and the blood tests, that the kindest thing may be to let her go. She can offer us more tests at this point but she asked us to seriously consider putting her to sleep.

I am heart broken. There is no good time to lose a pet, but with my health and recent bad news about needing more surgery, it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth. I just want a little brightness and the thought of losing my gorgeous Lola is too much.

Dog in a convertible car

Giving her the best day

Today we tried to give her a great day, lots of hugs and love. We took her up to Leeds where our son is at Uni so he could say his goodbyes. We took her to McDonalds and got her a burger! She spent the evening in our bed with us and the kids getting kissed and hugged.

We talked about all the good times we have had together. Our favourite Lola moments. From the time she went and dived into a huge black puddle of mud when we weren’t looking and then ran over to us through our picnic. We were screaming “Whose dog is this???” then I realised it was Lola!

Dog balancing a sausage on her nose

She has camped with us all over the UK, from Dorset through to Scotland. Lola loves swimming and is always the first to run into the sea. She went through a phase of diving into rivers and coming up with rocks, putting them in a pile and going back for more. At our wedding, she wore a bow tie and was our Best Dog. She once chased a ferret for about a mile and when she eventually caught it, she touched it with her nose and jumped a mile and ran back to us crying.

Her tricks include the usual paw, roll over etc, but we put a piece of meat on her nose and tell her to leave it and she won’t touch it till we say so, even if other people tell her. She is the best jumper, the fastest runner, the softest cuddler and the most gentle dog.

dog in a bow tie at a wedding

Our responsibility

We talked with the kids about how for the past 12 years, we have had responsibility to make sure she had the best life, now we have the responsibility to ensure she has a pain free and gentle death.

I can’t even believe I am typing these words. It is truly heartbreaking. She has grown up with our bambinos and has been such a huge part of all of our lives.

Tomorrow, we will take her to the vets and plan for her to have the gentlest passing we can. She has given us so much over the past 12 years and we have been the luckiest family in the world to have so long with the best dog ever. Hug your pet a little closer tonight for me.

My heart is broken.

Peace and love

Sam xx

The best mental breakdown I ever had…

Five years ago, I was preparing for j pouch surgery. I had a date booked in (ironically 30th April which is the date of my next surgery!) and I was mentally preparing myself for a big operation. When suddenly it was postponed by 6 weeks. All that emotion and adrenaline bottomed out and I was left utterly devastated. But in these dark times I ended up finding the most wonderful friendship.

I was so wound up readying myself for this huge surgery and when the plans changed it really knocked me and was a mess. I was crying and shaky, I couldn’t sort my head out and it was all a bit much. So I decided to run away from home! 

I spoke to my aunt and uncle in Spain. I booked flights to go have a week with them on my own to try to sort my head out. It was such a difficult time and I was overwhelmed by everything. The pain, the fear of surgery, the unknown were just all too much and I went into shutdown.

traveling with a stoma

A week in the sun

A week of sun, relaxing and time out was just what I needed. My family were so lovely to allow me to come stay with them when I was so down in the dumps.

“Just so you know” my aunty added “the boys will be here too!”

The boys are my cousins and I was thrilled that I’d be able to see them.

“And do you remember J from primary school? He is coming with his girlfriend and her daughter!”

Oh. I thought. That’s a lot of people. People I don’t know. And another woman. A stranger woman who might judge me. How can I have a mental breakdown in the sun with a strange woman watching me?!

Then I met her. Wrighty. And instantly fell in love.

Sam Cleasby friendship Sheffield lifestyle blogger

Friendship

Five years ago because of having a total breakdown and running away from home. I met one of the kindest, funniest, rudest, silliest, most loving women and gained a new friend for life.

She is so open and generous, kind and caring. She has an awfully sick sense of humour that makes me cackle. I feel so honoured and blessed to have her in my life.

Sam Cleasby Sheffield blogger friendship

The break was just what I needed, I came home feeling refreshed, positive and ready to face the surgery.

Over the years I have told Wrighty that I was dreading meeting her. That I couldn’t bear the thought of a strange woman being there in my lowest ebbs. And funnily enough she said that she thought ‘oh great! Some random cousin awaiting surgery! What a laugh this is going to be on our holiday!’

But we met and instantly connected. Sometimes you meet someone and know immediately that you’re meant to be friends. And I knew from the very first evening I met her that we are meant to be in each others lives. That our friendship was so real.

Sam Cleasby at Tramlines Sheffield

Though our friendship was so new, it felt like we’d known eachother a lifetime. She visited me in hospital weeks later. Helped me, Timm and the kids out and was there in the dark times of recovery when I just needed someone to cry at.

Love

And over the past five years, we’ve become firm friends. I’ve learnt so much from her, she’s so open with her love (that sounds weird) in that she is a very touchy feely person (I’m not making this better am I?) She made me realise how important it is to tell and show your friends that you love them and just how I probably had these walls up before that didn’t allow me to show my love so openly.

We’ve both faced good times and bad over the years and I just hope that I have been there for her as much as she’s been there for me.

It’s not often that you fing this sort of friendship. That you meet someone who you connect with so intensely, so when you do, hold it tight because that is bloody special.

Thank you Wrighty for being my friend.

✌?& ❤️

Sam xx

When illness gets in the way of intimacy – how do you make it work?

Who we are and how we feel about ourselves is based on so many different things and can alter, move and change depending on what we’re dealing with at any one time. Right now I feel that I’m a bit lost, I feel vulnerable and raw and in particular I feel I have lost my femininity and sex appeal. And by that I don’t meant how others view me but how I view myself. Feeling sexy feels like a thing of the past.

Sam Cleasby Sheffield blogger chronic illness hospital surgery

I’m generally very much changeable, equally comfortable in make up and sequins as in joggers and a jumper but more and more I find myself in those joggers and less and less making an effort due to illness, pain and fatigue.

Body positive?

In a world of body positivity, we know we’re all meant to love our bodies. But when our bodies are broken, causing pain, are fatigued and disfigured, sometimes I don’t love my body and actually the body positivity movement make it harder to voice that.

Currently my stomach is swollen, it has one large protrusion on one side and a smaller one on the other. I’ve gained a lot of weight because I can barely walk. Im in pain every single day. I hate how my body looks naked and none of my clothes fit me properly.

Its hard to say that though, especially as a blogger without feeling that you’re setting a bad example, not a good feminist, being negative about disability or perpetuating body stereotypes! Dude, sometimes I just want to say I don’t like how I look without it being about society! Sometimes I just want to be able to say I feel shit!

I end up in joggers most of the time because it’s the one thing that fits me and is comfortable. But it doesn’t make me happy, I know I look like a scruffy, fat mess most of the time. I’m so tired and so often I just wear a beany hat to cover how bad my hair looks and naps win over make up any day.

Feeling sexy

I used to feel sexy. And by this I don’t mean a pouty, booby show for others. I used to feel powerfully strong and beautiful and sexual and in control.

Right now I feel a million miles from that and honestly? It’s only going to get worse for a while with surgery and recovery. My body feels like it’s all about illness and treatment right now with no time or energy for looking good, for sex, for intimacy. But because I feel so different it’s like losing a part of yourself. Like feeling like someone completely different. Like you’re a stranger to yourself. And it can be hard to feel sexy, to give yourself to another person when you are not entirely sure who you are yourself!

It’s hard to feel ‘in the mood’ when you’re either in pain or stoned on painkillers, exhausted or asleep, when your body looks and feels weird to you or you’re wearing three different hernia belts! As they say in Hamilton, “It’s hard to have intercourse over four sets of corsets!”

ostomy photoshoot sexy ileostomy 50s pin up photo shoot so bad ass sam cleasby

Feeling lost

Joking aside, I just feel so lost. So sad. So empty today. I have a really physical reaction to upset, my stomach turns and flips and it’s doing cartwheels right now.

I wonder how I can be a partner to anyone in this state? How do you cope as the partner? Can relationships survive when illness gets in the way of intimacy? Is feeling sexy a possibility when you feel bad about your body?

I get lots of emails and messages about this subject and I know it’s sensitive and personal but I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Chronic illness changes many parts of our lives in so many different ways and sometimes it’s embarrassing and difficult to discuss those changes.

Ive had a message this week asking about this subject and I realised what a taboo it is to talk about how chronic illness can and does effect relationships, yet it must be something that so many are dealing with.

I hope this can spark a discussion that could help so many.

✌? & ❤️

Sam xx

When everything sucks, build a den

I am struggling right now with pain and everything feels kind of in limbo as it feels like  there’s so little I can do other than wait for my surgery date. It’s getting me down and then that brilliant husband of mine just made it all a little better. I had the day off work as I’d swapped days with a colleague and so he decided to take the day off. And readers, he built me a den.

Gathering sheets and string and safety pins, candles and snacks and the telly, he built me a bed den for us to hide in all day and it was heaven!

Build a den in bed

Building a den

It was just what I needed, to turn my bed which had begun to feel like a bit of a negative place of illness and pain into the most perfect hideaway for the two of us. (Well two plus two dogs and all the kids who came to hang out throughout the day!)

It was a lovely thing to do but more than anything else, just having him to myself for the day was the best. We are both so busy, he is self employed (running a photography business, an arts company and a festival!) and is constantly on the go, always working and rarely has a day off. I work three days a week for Scope and also have a radio show once a week. We have three teenagers, two dogs, a cat and 4 chickens and fitting in a chronic illness that often throws all that schedule out the window makes life a bit manic at times.

And so to have a full day of being together with no work has been pure joy. Just hanging out, talking, laughing, watching TV, reading, kissing, having that rare time when it’s been me and him.

Sometimes we wish for big things, a bigger house, more money, flash holidays or fancy cars. Sometimes we get caught up in life, working, chores, paying the bills, scrambling around just trying to make everything that needs to happen, happen.

But sometimes all we need are the simplest things that bring us joy.

And that Cleasby brought me joy ❤️

You can watch the video here.

✌?& ❤️

Sam xx

It takes a village

That phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” has been going through my head a lot recently.

I love being a mum, it’s the most important role of my life and I hope to raise happy kids into happy adults, but as wonderful as parenting can be, it’s also really tough at times and I truly believe that to give the best to our kids, they need a village of people around them.

I was asked about what support my family have this week and when Timm and I thought about who we have around us who support us and the kids, it made us think.

Our village isn’t just about family but friends too. We are lucky to have our amazing friends Caroline and Jamie who have known our kids since being babies and love them dearly. We talked to the kids about how they are trusted adults who they can turn to if they need to talk to someone other than us.

And though my sister and brother in law live in Australia, we talked about how the kids can still turn to them too. The internet has made the world a lot smaller place and no matter where we are, we can still make that connection.

glastonbury perfect family parent blogger sam cleasby sheffield

It can sometimes feel as a parent that you have to have all the answers, and that’s just not possible. It’s ok to not be able to be all things at all times to our kids, it’s ok to need to rely on your village sometimes.

We talk to our kids about the trusted adults in our lives, about who they can talk to and who can be their support systems when they need it.

And it’s not always about a traumatic time, we should be having wonderful people in our lives who can inspire and excite our kids about different lives they can lead.

My friend Hannah is a real role model to my child Eli, from her travels around the world to her attitude, humour and character, Eli loves spending time with her and really looks up to her and I love that!

Friends in the LGBTQ+ community can give my gay child the support, information and experience that I just can’t. Our musician and creative friends offer perspectives that we just don’t have. We should draw on the experiences of the brilliant people in our lives to be inspirations to our kids too.

Families are so different today, we live far away from eachother and most of us don’t have that immediate local family support that used to be more of the norm in the past. But our friends can become our families and we all need to lean on others sometimes.

I feel lucky and grateful for the many wonderful people in my life and I love my village of people. From those we see often to those who are on the end of a phone or who we only see from time to time, it’s a proper blessing to know so many awesome folk.

And I suppose the biggest difficulty can be being brave enough to speak up, reach out and ask for help. It’s ok to not be able to do it all alone, it’s ok to need your village.

As much as I am so glad of the people in my life and the life of my kids, I hope that Timm and I can also be a positive impact in the lives of all our friends and their kids too.

✌?& ❤️

Sam xxx

 

Happy Valentines Day

I know lots of people don’t like Valentines Day, feeling it’s all a bit commercial or crappy if you aren’t in a relationship.

I could take it or leave it, I tell that husband of mine I love him every day and don’t need one particular day. But I also love a bit of joy and I like seeing so many posts full of romance and slush!

It also feels like a good day to big up my Cleasby, we’ve been together for 20 years now and our relationship has just got better and better over that time.

The past 6 years have properly kicked our arse, 7 surgeries and my reliance on him has just got more and more. My body has changed beyond recognition, losing my intestine and butt has been tough on my self esteem and has had a big effect on us.

But it’s also taught us about honesty, openness and talking about everything, especially the hard stuff.

There have been really tough conversations, those laying it all on the table talks, tears, hurt, anger, frustration but in the end, love.

Illness, surgeries, these life changing events can end relationships, it can all get too much and pull people apart. I feel extremely lucky that we have managed to draw together and find a new way to make our relationship work through the toughest of times.

Today we’ve had meetings, work and lots of stuff to do, but we’ve had dinner together at home and hung out watching tv and that’s the kind of valentines we like!

I know I’m so lucky to have this dude in my life for the past twenty years. Here’s to the next 20!

Happy Valentines Day to you all!

❤️

Sam xx