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I had my pre op!

This week I had my pre op assessment for my upcoming surgery. Pre ops are for when you’re having a general anaesthetic, you have a hospital appointment with a nurse to check if you’re fit enough for surgery.

They check your height, weight and blood pressure, take blood and either take swabs to check for MRSA if you have your surgery date soon or send you home with a swab kit for you to do the week before surgery and they assess whether you’re fit to have a general anaesthetic.

Its also an opportunity to discuss the surgery and any concerns you might have. As I’ve mentioned before my biggest fear at the minute is that I won’t receive proper pain relief after the surgery as this has happened to me twice before in this hospital.

After a big op like the one I’m having, I tend to have an epidural in place that delivers pain relief for the first few days after surgery. When this is taken down it can be a big shock to the system and good regular pain relief is a must.

Unfortunately twice now I have been left in agony due to the ward nurses not giving me appropriate drugs on time and now I’m terrified it will happen again. So much so that I almost don’t want to have the surgery at all.

But I got time to speak to the nurse this week and share my fears. She told me that it was unacceptable that this had happened and that if it happened again, to immediately ask to see the matron who would sort it out and be majorly pissed off at nurses not doing their jobs.

As I’ve said so many times, I have huge respect for nurses and the vast majority are bloody wonderful! But there are some shockers.

In a book I read this week (healing from the inside out, Nauman Naeem) it talks about how ‘good patients’ as in those who don’t speak up, press the buzzer, complain when needed are at much higher risk of complications and that rather than being a patient we should be a respant – a responsible participant.

The nurse also has arranged for the accute pain team to see me ASAP after surgery and has made notes for the anaesthetist to let them know how nervous I am and my past experience. She said they will be able to write me up for decent pain relief before they even consider taking the epidural down.

She has reiterated just how complex this surgery is going to be, around 7 hours in theatre and a high risk of complications. They have booked me into the post operative surgery unit (POSU) for straight after where they’ll keep a closer eye on me and if I need to be transferred to the High Dependency Unit they can do that quicker and more easily.

I will need to be in hospital for at least 10 days and recovery will be 2-3 months.

They will be repairing the huge parastomal hernia, it’s a massive opening about 15cm and the incisional hernia on the other side and moving my stoma again. I have adhesions everywhere and so these may cause problems.

Its fair to say that I’m terrified.

Im trying very hard to stay positive, I have a new mantra (again from reading the book above) that I tell myself every day to fight against the feelings that everything is so tough right now and I hope that having more open and positive thoughts will aid in my healing.

“I am open and welcoming to healing, strength, love, joy and happiness”

 

✌🏽& ❤️

Sam xx

 

I just want to dance

It’s been a busy week, work, radio show, hospital visits and finding out that my next surgery is going to be a tad more complex than I originally thought. I wrote about it in my last blog, so I won’t bore you again but basically, it is going to be a long op with an even longer recovery.

I am really struggling with pain, I take a lot of painkillers every day, spend a lot of time laid in bed and pretty much have a hot water bottle strapped to me at all times. There are a lot of things worrying me right now, but the main thing that is upsetting me is that I just want to dance.

I know this might sound stupid, I should be concerned about the upcoming op rather than having a boogie, but honestly, I’d give anything to just be able to have a full on, throwing myself about the room, bounce up and down, shake what your momma gave you dance. I’m a terrible dancer, but I love it, I enjoy having a good old boogie and I miss it!

I’m so fed up of the limitations of my body, the pain is constant, gnawing and just being stood upright for more than 10 minutes is really painful. I want to walk my dogs, I want to ride a bike, I want to go swimming, go to yoga, work in the allotment, but most of all I want to dance. I don’t care if it is in a club or a bar or just in my kitchen, I want to dance my heart out without feeling like my insides are going to burst out of my belly.

There are a lot of struggles when you have a chronic illness, the ulcerative colitis was debilitating for years and then I thought the ileostomy would be the answer to all my prayers. It has just been one thing after the other, going through j-pouch surgery and then 18 months of chronic pouchitis till I had to have it removed along with my butt hole was such a challenge. Now the past few years, my life is just taken over by the hernias and the pain.

Since September last year, when I got my newest parastomal hernia, life has been getting progressively harder. I now have two hernias, the parastomal one is huge and it’s a constant dragging pain, the smaller one is actually a lot less painful most of the time but then every now and then (if I cough, sneeze, strain) the hernia comes out and it’s like being stabbed.

sam cleasby sheffield blogger chronic illness

I can barely walk most days, sometimes I feel much better and I am able to walk a little and get out of bed but I know those days are followed by worse pain. This week, after hearing about how complex the operation is going to be and that I have a 75% chance of complications, I just thought ‘fuck it’. I have pushed myself and been out with friends for three days in a row, painful, exhausting and fuelled by painkillers, but I just wanted a little bit of normal, a bit of fun, just some time away from my bed.

I’m trying to not let this all get me too down. I mean, I am accepting it and being reasonable, but I have come off my antidepressants and so I am very aware of my mental health right now and monitoring if my sadness is within ‘normal’ ranges, if that makes sense. And so I can’t let myself sink, I need to keep my chin up and be accepting of my life but also keep positive for the future.

There are many things that keep me going when things are tough, my family, friends, work. But the one thing I keep thinking is that I am going to kick ass at this recovery, I’m going to follow the rules, rest, exercise, take time off work, no lifting etc blah blah blah and then this WILL BE a successful op, I will be totally sorted and by Christmas 2019 I will be dancing, arms in the air, ass shaking, wiggling hips and dancing my heart out and it will be all ok.

Because I have to try and think positively, even if inside I am terrified that things will go wrong and pissed off that this is what my life is like. I need to focus on something, and to be honest, there’s not much point in thinking too big, honestly, I will just be happy when I can dance again.

What is the one thing that if I could wave a magic wand right now, you would be able to do?

Sam xx

Good news and bad

Last week I had some good news from the gynae hospital.  I’ve had a large cyst on my ovary that been monitored for a few months, along with some worrying blood test results, there was a concern about ovarian cancer.

I’ve been given the all clear, the cyst had gone down, the blood test results a lot closer to normal so it’s all great news!

Then this week I met with my new surgeon Mr Adams, I’ve been referred to him by Mr Brown as he deals with more complex abdominal cases so Timm and I went to see him yesterday.

We looked at my scans and he went through my history and said that he would operate. This I was expecting, I have one large parastomal hernia and one hernia in my old stoma site so I knew that surgery was definitely on the cards.

What I wasn’t expecting was just how complicated and high risk it was going to be. Because of having so many surgeries, the multiple hernias and the sheer size of the parastomal hernia, he says it is going to be very complex and difficult.

I have a 75% chance of complications, this is really frightening.

Ill need a 1-2 week hospital stay and 2-3 months off work recovering.

I was in shock and had a bit of a cry, it’s all just a bit overwhelming and scary right now, I am terrified that I’ve used up all my luck and this is going to be the one where it all goes tits up.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur, I cried a lot, shouted at the sky, said it’s not fair. It all just feels very real now, and hearing those odds of things going wrong has put the fear in me. Though I can reduce that by 10% by stopping smoking or going onto e-cigarettes so yesterday was my last fag and today I have a big stupid vape thingy!! But needs must!

Today I’m a bit less emotional, certainly less weepy. But deep down I’m just scared.

The thing is that it’s not the surgery itself that scares me the most, it’s the recovery and the fear of more god awful nurses who won’t follow instructions and give me the planned pain relief. The last hospital stay was a nightmare with two of the most uncaring, horrible nurses I’ve ever met who left me in agony for over an hour after my epidural was switched off (you can read about it here.)

Whenever I think about surgery, it’s this moment I’m taken back to, this feeling of panic, pain and the complete free fall of no control and I panic. My chest tightens, I can’t catch my breath, my head spins and I feel like I’m right back there. I’m so scared!

And so the thought of having 2 weeks in hospital, potential complications, a big old cut in my belly, potentially another stoma move and then months of not being able to work, of needing so much rest, it’s just too much.

Because I had two surgeries last year (and a handy mental breakdown) I have no more paid sick leave left at work and so although they are really supportive, financially it’s a worry.

Timm says that whatever we need to do, we will, that he’ll look after me, to forget the money, that we will get through it together, that he’ll be with me every step and won’t leave hospital till he knows pain relief is sorted.

I also know we have some wonderful friends who will be right by our side and so that makes me smile.

But all in all, this is a bad time, I paste the smile on but underneath I’m absolutely done in, scared, weepy and upset.

Will update when I’m feeling brighter

✌🏽& ❤️

Sam xx

 

Health update

I thought I would give a bit of a health update as I feel like I am just constantly complaining on social media about how grim I feel.

I have two large hernias (I know, I know, I’m as sick of hearing that word as you are!), one is a parastomal hernia, this means it is sat right behind my stoma and one is an incisional hernia in one of my many surgery sites.  The parastomal one is the most painful, it is quite large and gets bigger throughout the day.  It is a constant feeling of pressure behind it and it feels like all my insides are going to burst out at any minute! The second hernia is not painful all the time, but a few times a day it is an awful stabbing pain, it takes my breath away and so between the two I am really struggling with pain.  I’m on codeine and nefapam for the pain which help but also make me super groggy.

The other issue is I have a large ovarian cyst, at the last CT it had grown and was around 7cm big, I am having weird periods (long gaps and random bleeds) and a feeling like constant bad period pain.  I also apparently have a large, fluid filled fallopian tube (because why not throw another thing at me!!) and so I am waiting for further scans and tests for this.  I think it is due to the huge amount of adhesions in my body, basically everything is stuck together and altogether unhappy in there.

So the plan is for the gynae surgeon to take out the cyst at the same time as they fix my hernias if possible. Mr Brown wants to get another surgeon involved, he specialises in complex abdominal cases and I have an appointment to see him at the beginning of February.

And so I am just still in limbo waiting for a surgery plan and date. On one hand, it just cant come soon enough, I am getting to the point where the pain is getting too much, my nerves are shred and every ounce of patience has been used up.  I am short tempered, pissed off and struggling to not lose my shit.

Talking of losing my shit, the parastomal hernia is making my stomach a very weird shape and so bags are not wanting to stay put, so I am leaking really often which is just making life all the crappier.  This is my parastomal hernia, the pic was taken after a day of rest and so is actually not as big as it usually is.

parastomal hernia

Most days I look about 6 months pregnant and so that’s not much fun at all…

I dropped my work days down to three days a week a couple of months ago as I was finding it so hard to keep up with everything whilst feeling so ill, exhausted and in pain every day.  This has helped a lot, but to be honest, even part time work is a real struggle right now.

Also because I had two surgeries last year and subsequent time off to recover, I am out of paid sick days so I am panicking about how much time I will need off after this next op. If it goes to plan and they do the two surgeries in one go, it will be a big old op and I will need a lot of time off afterwards to allow myself to heal. But I also won’t be paid for this time.  Of course, my health has to come first and I will take as much time as I need and the doctors recommend but adding the financial worry to the mix isn’t helping.

And so I think that is everything up to date health wise. Basically my body is broken and I’m waiting to see if docs can make life a bit less shit!

I know I have been a right whinging bag on facebook and twitter, but honestly I don’t even apologise for it! Life with chronic illness isn’t all positive quotes over images of clouds, it’s not all high fives for celebrating our awesomeness and shiny, happy selfies with puppy noses.  Sometimes it is dark and miserable, lonely and scary and the one thing I promised myself over 5 years ago when I started this blog was that I would be honest about the highs and the lows.

Thank you so much for all the kind, lovely messages I have received over the past few weeks, I try my best to reply to everyone but don’t always have the energy, but I do read them all and each one means the world, so thank you.

Sam xx

Hospital update and feeling anxious and panicky

I saw Mr Brown yesterday and the plan is for yet another surgery, it will be in the new year.

I have two large hernias and they are causing daily, almost constant pain. One is behind my stoma and one is in the old stoma site.

I also have a 6.6cm cyst on my ovary that I’m not sure if it’s causing pain or not as my whole abdomen hurts so who knows what is what.

Mr Brown wants to bring a new surgeon in to work with him, he specialises in complex abdominal problems and due to having so many surgeries, I’m filled with adhesions and scar tissue.

Theyll also be working alongside a gynae surgeon to remove the cyst and possibly my ovary, so it’s all hands on deck!

I just feel sick that this is happening yet again, I’ve really had enough and honestly it doesn’t get any easier, every surgery gets tougher and tougher. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to knowing what recovery is like and I’m so anxious and scared.

Ive used up all my sick pay with having two surgeries this year so any time off work will be unpaid which is super stressful, I know I need time to recover but knowing it will effect our income adds more pressure.

Im writing this at 4am as I can’t sleep for worry. I’m also coming down with some bug as I’m hot and cold and coughing and feel crap but when you have a chronic illness sometimes it feels like you can’t take time off for “normal” illnesses.

I know I’m just having a middle of the night panic but everything just feels very overwhelming right now.

I just want to be well.

Im sick of being in constant pain, it’s so draining. I’m sick of taking painkillers every day though I’m relieved to get some better pain relief today from the GP. But it’s a constant weighing up of being in pain and being able to think straight and taking drugs and feeling dizzy and not with it.

Its the first time since I started working for Scope when I’m actually wondering whether I can cope with it all. I love my job but right now it’s causing me to worry. I worry about how my illness affects my team, I worry about whether I can cope and I worry that if I don’t work, whether we can afford to live the life we do.

Theres not much positivity in this post but as always, it really does help me to be able to blurt all this out here so thanks for reading and I hope that in speaking about the tough times, it helps others to know they’re not alone.

I hope things feel a little brighter when the sun comes up

 

✌🏽& ❤️

Sam x

Healing an old stoma site from the inside out!

Just a word of warning, this post has lots of graphic and medical images of my old stoma site healing and may not be suitable for everyone.

So after the last surgery where they resited my stoma, the old site was left open. I was gobsmacked when I first saw it as I’d never seen an open wound like this before.

They explained that they heal better if they’re not sewn up and they want it to heal from the inside out and so it was packed with dressing and I saw a district nurse every day for just over a month till it healed up.

I had a big cry when I first saw it, it was 3.5cm deep and looked like a gunshot wound, they said it would take around 4-6 weeks to heal and I couldn’t believe that could be true!

So I took photos of the healing process as I found it intriguing and I thought it might help others going through the same situation.

What follows are the images of it healing, as previously warned, they may be upsetting to some so don’t scroll down if you don’t want to look!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we go…

Open stoma wound healing

12th June – 5 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

21st June – 14 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

27th June – 20 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

29th June – 22 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

1st July – 24 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

2nd July – 25 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

5th July – 28 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

11th July – 34 days post op

15th July – 38 days post op

18th July – 41 days post op

Open stoma wound healing

11th August – 65 days post op

So there we go! Isn’t the body brilliant!!!

I hope this helps anyone who is facing this sort of healing process to know that it does get better.

 

Loce Sam xx

Recovery: in pictures

The past few weeks have been tough, recovering from an emergency surgery that knocked me off my feet.  During this time, I have had so little control and I have been unable to do much for myself, which has been so difficult.  But I am so lucky to have my Timm who has been there through it all, he has bathed me, cooked for me, sang to me, sorted my medication and just been my hero.  I’m also lucky to have a budding photographer in my child Eli, who has snapped a few shots during this very rough time.

Enjoy.

recovery surgery partner help to bath

recovery surgery partner help to bath

recovery surgery partner help to bath

dosette box medicine box

TED stockings surgical stockings

TED stockings surgical stockings

cup of tea recovery nurse

timm cleasby

holding hands matching dr who tattoos

sam and timm cleasby

get well soon

holding hands

playing guitar feel better

playing guitar feel better

playing guitar feel better

All images by Eli Cleasby from Timm Cleasby Photography

 

Love Sam xx

The fear

People tell me I’m strong, I’m brave, I’m a fighter. But mainly I just feel afraid.

Being chronically ill takes away all the control in your life, it strips away all the things that make you you and leaves this husk of a being.

The last couple of weeks have been so draining, like the life in me has been sucked away. The surgery was a shock, though it was going to be planned, to have it dropped on me with days notice shook me to the core.

When I got home from hospital I picked up a stomach bug. I felt sick and nauseous and that feeling took over everything. I had stomach cramps that felt like the worst contractions and I was passing water from my stoma, I lost a stone in a week and I honestly felt like I was dying.

But it was the fear that was the worst.

Recovery one day at a time

I felt so afraid, I refused to let Timm call the doctors as I was terrified that they would make me go back in to the hospital and the thought of that was so overwhelming. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t breathe, I had panic attacks and I felt as though I was losing my grip on reality.

Fear is such a strong emotion. A feeling that takes over everything else.

I lost independence and control and had to rely completely on Timm. I was afraid that I’d never feel any better than that again and the thought of that was too much to bear.

This led to the fear that I was too much of a burden. That it would be too much for Timm and he’d walk away. Though he never once did anything to make me feel that way, I think past experience of people I thought loved me walking away planted a seed of doubt that anyone would want to put up with me.

I’m afraid of missing work, I’m afraid of going back to work, I’m afraid that I’m screwing up the kids when they have to see me like this.

Im scared that I’ll never be me again, that I won’t be able to walk the dogs, to work in the allotment, to travel, to be free. I’m afraid that I’m always going to be a patient, a sick person, that I’ll be a constant visitor to hospitals and that my life will be a constant cycle of illness, treatment and recovery.

My nan passed away the day before I was admitted to hospital and so my recovery has coincided with a deep grief and mourning that hits me like a punch to the gut. It’s been a really tough couple of weeks.

I know this is a depressing post, but it feels better to get it out, to give it a voice and to take the power away from this feeling of fear and give me back some control over how I feel.

So though I’m filled with fear right now, I have no other choice but to keep going. I got a card recently and on the front it said ‘take it one day at a time’.  There have been days where even that was too much, I had to take it one hour at a time, fuck, sometimes it was one minute at a time!

And sometimes that it all we can do.

✌🏽& ❤️

Sam

Surgery number 7!

If you follow me on social media, you’ll know that I had my big op a couple of weeks ago, it’s been a really tough time so I’m only now just well enough to blog about it.

So a bit of background, I had developed a hernia in the incision of my old stoma site and had surgery to operate in March to fix this. After that operation, my surgeon told me it was worse than expected and there was another hernia behind my stoma.

Over the next few weeks, these hernias grew and developed and were extremely painful and getting in the way of day to day life and so the decision was made that I’d need yet another surgery to fix these.

Parastomal hernia

It was decided that I’d try and wait till after August for this op, both to give my body time to recover and also as we are going on an American road trip in August and I wanted to make sure I was well for this.

The pain was getting worse week on week, I had a weeks holiday at the end of May to have some time at home around my birthday and I ended up spending that whole week in bed in agony. My birthday was spent having a bbq with our two best friends in a quiet evening at home where I could lay down and rest. Beautiful but disappointing to feel so poorly.

My beloved nan also took a turn for the worse and so I was trying my best to visit and spend time with her.  On Sunday 3rd June, we went and spent the day with her, she was very tired and on medication but it was lovely to spend time with her and lots of my family.

On Monday 4th, I was in a lot of pain, I could barely stand and my hernia was really stuck out, the decision was made that I needed to get into hospital the following day and have emergency surgery. It was a huge shock and I was frightened about it all.

And then I got the worst phone call. My beautiful, incredible nan had passed away. We rushed straight to her house and spent a few hours with her, holding her, kissing her and just being in her presence. I felt everything crashing away from under me. I can’t say much more at the minute, it’s too raw and painful.

The following morning, Timm took me into hospital and on Thursday 7th I had my surgery.

I had repair of two hernias and resiting of my stoma on the left side. It was quite a long and complex operation as I had a lot of adhesions, mesh and scars to deal with. I believe it took around 5-6hours and honestly has been the toughest one so far.

Perhaps it’s my age or the previous scars etc but either way, this one has floored me.

It was a bit of a shock really to wake up from such a big op, I hadn’t been expecting it and I was still reeling from loss and so my head was all over the place. The first day was a haze of morphine, I had very low blood pressure but I was feeling ok.

The pain team came to see me and explained the plan in place for taking me off the epidural, I told them that I was quite scared as I knew from previous experience what a shock it can be coming off the epidural. I was assured that everything would be in place and I wouldn’t have any pain.

The following morning I was given paracetamol codiene and eventually Oramorph, I’d asked Timm to come in to advocate for me as I knew it was always tough coming off and getting it right. We were told I could have oramorph every hour and that I’d be fine. Happy with this, Timm left to sort the kids out.

The pain started to grow and I saw a nurse who gave me paracetamol, she offered codiene but said I couldn’t have codiene and oramorph together and so I requested the oramorph. She went to get it.

Twenty minutes passed and the pain was blooming through my body, I pressed the buzzer and was told they’d let the nurse know. Another twenty minutes passed and I was in tears, I couldn’t breathe, I was sweating and moaning. I pressed the buzzer and told them I’d take anything just please give me pain relief. Again they went away saying they’d tell a nurse.

Another twenty minutes passed. I was crying hysterically and pressing the buzzer. No one came. Another patient came over and said ‘can I hug you? You’re in so much pain and I can’t believe they’re ignoring you’.

Eventually the nurse came over, she asked what all the fuss was about. I said ‘please just give me the fucking drugs!!’. She was angry and said she didn’t have to be spoken to like that. I begged her ‘please just give me the drugs!’  She angrily jabbed me in the arm leaving a painful red lump and stormed away.

Ten minutes later she returned saying I could have another injection, she was fuming and said I was a disruptive patient. I tried to explain that I was in agony and I’d been promised that I wouldn’t be left in pain. That I was sorry I swore but I was terrified and the pain was too much and I’d been left for an hour. She rolled her eyes at me and was so cold and rude. I said she was being really uncaring and she just rolled her eyes and so I said that my husband was coming in.

Honestly I was in shock, I couldn’t believe that I’d been left in that state. It was less than 48 hours after a huge surgery where I have two big wounds and a new stoma. I was left crying on a ward for an hour whilst they ignored me.

After this, I was laid in bed sobbing. I was in shock, distressed and as the pain relief took effect I was shaking. My arm was red and swollen where she rammed the injection in and I felt so low and just not human.

You all know I love our NHS, I wouldn’t be here without it, it’s amazing. But sometimes people let it down. This nurse was the coldest most uncaring person I’ve ever met. She looked at me like I was shit, she hurt me, she made me feel like I didn’t matter.

We complained and the matron came to see us, she was lovely and listened. She understood and apologised. I apologised for swearing, that i wasn’t like that but the pain was so much. She said it was totally understandable. We will be taking this further.

Thankfully I have a voice, and I have a husband to come and fight my battles with me but there are many who don’t and it’s for them that I must take the complaint further to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else.

Sam Cleasby surgery blogger

Once the pain relief was under control, the rest of the stay in hospital was quite normal. Timm came every day, he was my hero. I was struggling as I had no appetite, but the nurses were wonderful and really supportive which was a relief after such a poor start.

My blood results weren’t great though and there was concern about infection but then they dropped to within normal limits and I was let home on Tuesday 12th June.

Sam and Timm Cleasby

As far as we know, the surgery went well. I have a large scar up my middle and the old stoma site has been left open and is being packed every day by the district nurse. It’s a bit of a shock to see a big hole in your tummy though!

This has ended up being a super long post and so I’m going to end it here and I’ll do another post about recovery at home AKA it all goes tits up and Sam thinks she’s going to die… (spoiler, I obviously don’t die)

Adios!

Sam xx

Hospital update *spoiler* it’s not good news

I had my 6 week post op check up today with Mr Brown, Timm took the morning off work to come with me as I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t going to be good news.

My stoma and stomach is still very swollen and with exertion it really pops out and my stoma disappears inside my body. I have New deeper convex bags which are really helping with the leaks but it’s still not great.

So Mr Brown said that the op didn’t go as planned as he was thinking it was going to be a really simple incisional hernia repair but when he opened me up, the hernia was originating from the stoma and had spread up to the incision site. He fixed it as much as possible but unfortunately things haven’t solved the issues.

And so I’m going to have to have another operation.

I’m absolutely devastated. I really thought the surgery 6 weeks ago was going to be my final one and now I’m heartbroken at the thought of more.

The options are to have a parastomal hernia repair, this is the easiest op but carries a 50% chance of reoccurrence, or we can totally resite my stoma on the other side, which is a much bigger op but only has a 10% chance of reoccurrence.

I decided I need some time to think about it, we have a big holiday planned for August this year and so I don’t want to do anything before then. So I’m going back to see him in July and we’ll look at scheduling it then. We all think that the stoma resiting, though a scarier op is probably the better option but I’ll give it some real thought and research over the next few months.

Im really tearful now, I just can’t believe I’m going to have to have another surgery. I can’t believe my husband and kids are going to go through it all again. I’m worried about work, taking more time off for yet another surgery, and Timm’s business which is in the first stages of expansion and the effects my illness will have on us.

I know in the grand scheme of life, this is small fry. It’s an operation to fix a problem that isn’t life threatening. I know I’m lucky to have the health that I do have and so don’t want to be too ‘poor me’, but man, I’m gutted.

I had a big cry in the hospital car park and then another big cry in the car. Then an even bigger, snotty wail at home.

It’s not bloody fair! I’ve done my share of hospitals, I want some time off now!!!

Work have been great, I spoke to my manager when I came out of hospital and he’s told me to take the rest of the day off. So I’m going to have a bath, take some meds and get in bed and read a book.

Im going to take today as a mardy day, wallow, eat pancakes, cry and feel sorry for myself.

Then tomorrow I’ll pull on my big girl pants and get on with it…

I read a quote recently, it said:

Life and death quote

And it made me realise you have to make the most of your time here.

Things are pretty shit with my family relations, but I have the best husband, wonderful children and some really loving and supportive family members.

I have THE best friends in the world, so many friends who are bloody brilliant. Especially our Caroline and Jim who are the best friends Timm and I could ever wish for, they’re always there for us and make us so happy.

I have a great job who are understanding and supportive with my illness, Timms business is thriving. I have a lovely home and an allotment which is my happy place.

So if I have to have another op, then I think I’ve got this. Maybe we’re only sent the shit we can handle, and maybe that shit sometimes teaches us we can handle more than we believe.

 

Love Sam xx