Weight Loss – Operation No Operations – Week 1

/4 Comments/in /by

So after my news last week that I now have two hernias, I decided to try and lose some weight.  I am adamant that I do not want surgery until it is absolutely necessary and so I spoke to my doctor about the benefits of me losing weight and we agreed that it would really help with the hernias.  Thus begins Operation No Operations!

I looked at groups such as Slimming World and Weight Watchers and though I know that they are great for some people, I thought they weren’t for me for a couple of reasons.  One is that I don’t want to go to classes and two is that my medical history scares the bejesus out of most people and I wasn’t sure as to whether they would understand.  On a side note, if you are interested in Slimming World, take a look at the very lovely Wit Wit Woo and her 5 month weight loss journey.

I bought myself a fitbit that tracks my steps, heart rate, sleep and through the app, I can log my food and track my calories.  I aim for 1400 calories a day, but I don’t freak out if I go over and I am doing 10,000 steps a day.  I am finding that the fitbit and app are keeping me on track, on days where I am well under on my steps, I am forcing myself to get out and get my steps up.  It is a huge boost to my will power to have a watch that is gently reminding me to get moving.  I even filmed one of my dog walks when I had to force myself to get out even though it was raining!

I haven’t been hungry this week at all, I am making sure I eat three meals a day and just avoiding snacks, though last night the desire for a Feast ice cream was just too strong and so I had one and enjoyed every bite! I have been really shocked at how many calories are in things, it has made me realise why I am overweight.  170 calories in a gin and tonic, yo!!!

I am also looking at my portion sizes and weighing out my food, I realised that my average bowl of cereal is twice the recommended portion size! I am finding that I appreciate my food a lot more and I am enjoying eating.  I have always had a thing about clearing my plate and so often would carry on eating even after I felt full just because there was food still on my plate.  Smaller portions mean I eat well and then if I am still hungry, I can always go back for a little more.

The thing that is important to me is not denying myself anything that I really want.  I was so limited with what i could eat when I had my jpouch that now I hate to be told I can’t eat something.  I am very lucky with my current ileostomy that there is nothing so far that I can’t eat.  I just chew everything well and drink plenty.  Even though I am limiting calories, I have found it quite simple to still eat filling and delicious food.

So how has it gone? Well here’s the numbers.

Starting weight – 16th May 2016 – 13 stone 13 lb

Week one – 23rd May 2016 – 13 stone 8 lb

fitbit weight loss blog

I lost 5 lb this week!!! I can’t believe it! I have eaten well and never once felt hungry, an example of my diet this week…

Breakfast – Granola with 0% fat natural yoghurt and sliced mango, strawberry and pineapple

Lunch – Salami, parma ham, mozzarella, feta, humous and fresh bread

Dinner – Baked potato and sausage casserole

Snack – satsuma

I am drinking plenty, either water or no added sugar squash, tea and coffee.  I do like fizzy pop and I am trying to reduce the amount I am drinking, but it is sugar free. (I know, I know, it’s still bad!!)

I don’t feel strong enough to exercise yet, my hernias scare me and so I am walking a lot, I am aiming for at least 10,000 steps a day and also doing some work in the allotment.  I am trying to be active every hour, which is something the fitbit encourages.  I am wearing support garments from Vanilla Blush or just a pair of strong support ‘fat’ pants, you know, that underwear that is supposed to suck you in?

sam cleasby blogger allotment operation no operations

So there we go, that was week one of weight loss.  I wasn’t sure whether to blog about this, I am not an advocate of dieting and think women are pushed into weight loss all the time.  I am a size 16-18 and classed as overweight, my BMI was 28.7 which is on the verge of obese (which I find ridiculous as I do not think I am obese!)  Despite what society tells me, I love my body, I don’t mind that I am bigger than some, I genuinely feel happy in my own skin.

But this weight loss is for my health and so I feel I must go ahead with it.  I am so terrified at the thought of more surgery that I really want to do everything I possibly can to have positive affects on my health.  I don’t think we all need to be the same size and shape but I do think we all need to be responsible for our own health and for me, right now, this means dropping a few pounds and putting less strain on my stomach and hernias.

 

For anyone thinking of losing weight, especially those of us with IBD or other medical needs, do speak to a health professional first and make sure the changes you make are healthy and positive.

 

Sam xx

 

I am rubbish at sharing my feelings

/1 Comment/in /by

You may read this title and laugh, after all this whole blog is filled with my feelings. I post a few times a week eloquently and whole heartedly sharing how I am feeling with the whole world.  If anything, I’m an over sharer! I tell you lot intimate and private parts of my life and chuck a few photos in to boot. 

So what am I talking about? Well, talking.  You see, as much as I can blurt out my inner demons on this page, and even when I do public speaking or media I am perfectly happy and able to speak out about all manner of feelings, emotions and experiences.  Yet, I find it ridiculously difficult to speak to the people I love. 

I told you all in my last blog post that I have two hernias and that I’m feeling terrible.  I’m scared, angry and really devastated.  This, of course, means that I’ve had real life friends and family reach out to me to help. To listen. To be there. 

Yet I just can’t open up. I gloss over, I make a joke, I change the subject.  If pushed, I will briefly say that I’m upset and unhappy but then I move on.  I just wonder why I’m like this when I can pour my heart out on this blog?  

  
I do speak to Timm. I am honest and allow him in.  We’ve talked all weekend about how I feel, how he feels, how he can help me.  He’s held me as I wept, listened to me rant and told me I’m a nobhead when I said that this wasn’t getting any easier and perhaps my life will now be filled with health complications so if he wanted to leave now, he could. 

I’ve got some wonderful friends and family, and it makes me sad that I struggle to reach out to them.  It’s not because of them, I love and trust them and know they want to help me.  I think there’s a big part of my personality that is a people pleaser, I want to make others happy and so I sometimes feel like I’m bringing others down if I tell them how I feel. 

I know this is cliched as hell but I think a big part of my issues go back to my father leaving and not giving a shit about me as a child.  I suppose I always worry that people will leave me, that I’m unlovable therefore I need to be as easy to be around as possible to make sure people stay. 

I do talk to friends, but I wish I could find it easier to open up and lay my feelings on the table. To ask for help and allow others to be there for me. It’s so important to talk to those closest to you, I say time and again in replies to messages I get, that we have to be open and let people in. Yet I’m probably not following that advice myself. 

And so I’m going to try and make an effort to speak out IRL (as the kids say… In Real Life for the oldies!) and not let the demons of my past affect my present and my future. 

Thank you for all the kind messages I’ve received in the past few days, you guys are awesome. 
Sam xx 

When the struggle feels never ending

/16 Comments/in /by

I visited my consultant yesterday (yes, on a Saturday because despite the reports, we DO have an NHS on the weekend!) I’ve been having stomach pains, feeling very tired and more worrying, some weird swellings in my stomach.  I knew what he was going to say, but it didn’t make it any less devastating when he told me I have two hernias. 

Fuck. Two?! 

I have a parastomal hernia, which means it sits right behind my stoma and an incisional hernia in my belly button.  I can’t actually explain just how upset I am.  I know some people may think that a hernia is a minor thing, but it affects you every day and limits what you can and can’t do.  But worse than that for me, is that they can only be fixed through surgery.  I just feel my struggle is never fucking ending. 

Just saying the word ‘surgery’ makes me anxious, I feel hot, my palms sweat and my mouth goes dry.  I feel like crying and running away.  The word takes me back to a dark place of hospital wards, pain, suffering and sadness.  I feel panicky and sick. 

Mr Brown saw my face and asked me what I’d like to do, he said surgery is the treatment for this and I just shook my head. “No. I can’t.  I’m not ready in my body or my mind to face surgery again.”  He smiled and agreed, saying he thought I was right and that we should wait as long as possible to operate. 

I asked about alternate ways to help during this time, I already wear support underwear (see Vanilla Blush for support underwear that doesn’t look like your nan bought it) and I try to not over exert my tummy muscles.  I have spoken to my stoma nurse about getting some other hernia support designed for people with an ostomy. 

The other thing is my weight. There’s too much of it. 

I asked Mr Brown if losing weight would help and he said yes.  It will help with the pressure on my stomach and when I do face surgery it will be better for me to be a bit lighter.  I’m a size 16-18, my BMI is 28, I am classed as overweight and plus size. I genuinely like how I look, I don’t diet because I don’t feel that I need to be thinner.  Now I am being told that losing weight would be really beneficial to my health and so it is time to shed a few pounds. 

I know this will be hard, I’ve been overweight since I started having babies but if this will hold off the surgery then it something I must do. 

Regarding the tummy pains and aches, I was told that I’ve had a lot of surgery, there are a lot of internal scars and unfortunately, it is just part of healing. I’ve had a lot taken away inside so I suppose things are moving around and settling which causes pain.  Regarding the tiredness I had bloods taken to test my vit b12 so Ill wait and see what they say about that. 

I’m trying to be positive and look for the ways I can help myself. But really I want to hide in a duvet and cry. I’m absolutely devastated. Have I not been through enough? Does the struggle never end? After each of the 4 surgeries I’ve had in the past 3 years, I think it will be my last, I think that this is the one that makes everything ok, but it never does. 

There’s always something else around the corner and I’m so tired of being unwell and broken.  When does it all end? When will I be ok? 

I don’t know the answer to this question but I do know that I have no other choice but to plod on and keep going.  I’ll recite my Yorkshire mantra that “it’ll be reight” and keep smiling. 

Sam X 

#SeeMySelfie

/0 Comments/in /by

#SeeMySelfie is a month long social experiment/photography project in which participants explore self representation, acceptance, audience and identity through the medium of self portrait. The project is a collaboration between Girl Gang Manchester and Girl Gang Sheffield, running nationally for the month of May, going on to be an exhibition and photography book later in the year.

I love the concept of Girl Gang and have done some work for the Sheffield group before by writing some poetry for their Tarot Cards.  (I have the most random and weird job and I love it!) So the guys from Manchester got in touch with me to talk to me about their latest project #SeeMySelfie and to ask if I would be involved.  I loved the concept and thought hells yeah!

“Are selfies a powerful space in which women can reclaim and celebrate their own image? Or symptomatic of the narcissism of 21st century culture? Do they allow women to publicly exude self confidence and explore their identity creatively? Or do they reinforcing the idea that a woman’s image is her most powerful asset?”

The month long social experiment exploring self portraiture, self representation and self-acceptance asks members of the public to join the group by taking a selfie every day of May using their prompts as a stimulus, from ‘Eyes closed’ to ‘worst angle’, you are encouraged to get creative and share your take.

Though we are half way through May, you can still get involved, it’s not too late.  Simply sign up for the daily emails at girlgangmanchester@gmail.com and you will receive a email every morning with the title of that day’s selfie as well as a photograph or link to a relevant article.

If you want to share your pictures either every day or occasionally, you are asked to upload them using the hashtags #SeeMySelfie and tag either @girlgangmcr @girlgangsheffield, include your thoughts/feeling about the picture or the process of taking it in the caption of the photograph. This can either be a few words, a whole essay or even a poem/song, whatever you fancy.

The project has been an interesting one so far, I thought it would be simple and a bit of fun but the daily provocations have actually been quite challenging and it has pushed me emotionally and mentally.  The idea of a selfie is a pretty self obsessed and egotistical thing, we share images of ourselves more now than ever before.  But this project shows that selfies can have a purpose, they can make you think, they can be social and they can do good.

The challenges so far have been:

Day 1 – Introduce Yourself

I’m Sam, 34, ever changing body, ostomy bag, writer, speaker, so bad ass… My surgeries have made me feel proud to be still standing, they remind me that I have one body and it is a miracle. My selfies show the world that I have no shame. I’m in my 30s, half Indian, northern, covered in scars, plus size and have an ostomy bag. I’m as far from the media ideal as you can get, but fuck that. I love my self(ies).

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 2 – Selfie with your eyes closed

Today we got our new chickens – it’s been a year since we had some and so it’s super exciting. I grew up as a city girl, but I’ve grown into a country woman. This beady eye is looking out for me.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 3 – Try something new

I thought I’d try a selfie of shadows and silhouettes…

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 4 – Look how you feel

I feel gobby. I speak out about things that people feel uncomfortable about. I was always told I was a loud mouth, I just decided to put it to good use.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 5 – A selfie just after the shower

For 6 weeks, my sister and her family from Australia has been staying with us. There’s 8 of us in the house meaning not enough hot water to go round… She goes home today and I’m devastated. I’d have all the cold water every day to get to hang out with my big sis. Today is going to be a tough one

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 6 – Take a selfie from your best angle

Ok, best as in most attractive? Then this probably isn’t it. But I took this photo at 7 this morning on a walk with my dogs and the husband. I love that it shows my terribly uncoordinated dress sense. But mainly I love that for the first time in ages I felt well enough to be up and out walking at 7am. Xx

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 7 – A selfie from your worst angle

I really dislike my many chins! I always try and pose in a way that hides them. I also hate photos of me looking sad, I tend to be all toothy grins or silly faces. I’m surprised at just how uncomfortable I am at sharing this photo.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 8 – A selfie in a place you wouldn’t normally take one

After such a grim start to the year, I wouldn’t have believed I’d be in a bikini, eating ice lollies and sunbathing in the garden of our own home in May… But here I am!

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 9 – Your most commonly used selfie pose/expression

I feel happy, confident and at ease in this photo.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 10 – The first selfie you take

I’m a bit hungover today, spent the morning working, this afternoon is house cleaning.  I don’t wear makeup or fancy clothes when I am in the house, and as I work from home I can most often be found in comfortable clothes without my hair or makeup done.  I love wearing nice clothes and getting glammed up but I just don’t feel the need to do it every day.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 11 – A selfie which shows your whole body

I don’t feel like taking a selfie today, I’m sick. I have a lingering chest and throat infection because my immune system is so fucked that I can’t shake bugs off. I also have a blockage in my stomach. I don’t have a large intestine so sometime food gets stuck in my small intestine and can’t come through my stoma – I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself. So you get a photo of my whole body, but not my face.

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

Day 12 – Take a selfie highlighting your best feature

I have a heart birth mark on the sole of my foot, and I was thinking it represents my best feature, my heart. I think and hope that I am kind, caring and full of love. I hope that when I’m no longer on this planet, that those who know me would say I was kind.

Kindness is totally underrated yet always necessary ❤️

see my selfie #seemyselfie girl gang manchester sheffield

You can follow the rest of my month of #SeeMySelfie on my instagram page, do search the hashtag though and see all the other people taking part.  I feel like I have ‘met’ some really interesting people in the past couple of weeks, just through viewing their selfies and I can’t wait to see what is still to come!

Get involved with #SeeMySelfie by emailing girlgangmanchester@gmail.com and to see what else Girl Gang are up to, head over to their website now.

 

Sam xx

What to do with a stoma blockage

/36 Comments/in /by

If you follow me on Facebook and twitter, you may have seen that I have had a blockage in my stomach for the past couple of days.  It started with crampy stomach ache and a realisation that my ileostomy bag had not been filling as it usually does, it was very empty and the stuff coming out was watery and dark.  I was sweating and nauseous and feeling terrible.

I have had this before and recognised the symptoms of a blockage (or bowel obstruction).  This is when something is preventing stool from passing through the intestine in the normal way.  IA Support uses an analogy of a garden hose to help explain what is happening when you have a bowel obstruction.

“If you stand on a garden hose, water cannot pass through it. The tap keeps pumping water into the hose but it cannot get past your shoe. Soon, as the pressure from the tap continues to pump the water, the portion of the hose above your shoe starts to expand and swell up with the backed up water. If you do not remove your shoe, the pressure inside the garden hose will cause it to break open and leak. The same principles apply to your intestine.”

stoma blockage how to relieve symptoms of bowel obstruction

Signs of a blockage can include

  • Swollen stoma
  • Distension of the abdomen
  • Minimal or no stoma output
  • Cramping and pain
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Muscle cramps
  • Dry mouth, decrease in urination

You can find out more on their site, I knew I didn’t have a full blockage as I was passing some stool but I mentioned it to my stoma nurse who reminded me of how to relieve symptoms at home and so I thought I would share them here. (Via IASupport)

DO

DON’T
  • Stop eating solid foods
  • Increase fluid intake (tea, cola)
  • If the stoma is swollen, remove thepouch and replace it with one with a larger stomal opening
  • Take a laxative or any other medication without consulting a doctor
  • Drink or eat anything if you are vomiting or not passing stool or both
  • Soak in a warm bath to relax the abdominal muscles
  • Massage your abdomen or try a knee-chest position
  • Call your doctor if the pain is severe, or you have symptoms of dehydration, even if the symptoms have not lasted 8 hours
  • Have someone drive you to the doctor or hospital
  • Insert anything inside the stoma unless you have been instructed to do so by your healthcare professional
  • Wait too long to call your doctor

A bowel obstruction or blockage is a serious condition and you should not ignore it as it can sometimes turn into an emergency situation.  Always get in touch with your stoma nurse if you can’t relieve the symptoms or if you are in a lot of pain, passing no stool at all and vomiting.

I am happy to say that my blockage passed at home with me using the above treatment, plenty of fluids, hot tea, heat pads, a bath and gentle tummy massage.  Though now I am left a bit exhausted and drained, I was wondering why but I think it may because I haven’t been absorbing all the vitamins and minerals over the past couple of days.

I know we all like to have a google but just remember that the internet is not the best place for medical advice, speak to your stoma nurse or doctor and listen to your body.

Sam xx

As a parent, can I just say, I have no clue what I’m doing…

/1 Comment/in /by

I have three kids aged 15, 13 and 11.  From the outside, I appear to have it all in hand.  My kids are polite, friendly and fun to be with.  I have managed to get to this point without losing them (apart from that one time on Blackpool Pier), killing them in a stupidity accident or them hating me.  I also write about life as a parent, apparently giving the public the illusion that I know what the fuck I am doing.

Therefore I get comments and messages from people who seem to think I am the Baby Whisperer crossed with Mary Poppins.  That I have some magical gift or that I know the mythical answer to parenting.  This post is to let you in on a secret.  I have no clue what I am doing!

None of us do! Every day is a learning experience, I am just figuring it out day by day.  This means sometimes I fluke it out and things go well, but other times, it all goes horribly wrong and I am left sat in a war zone wondering how much flights to the Maldives cost.

 

children parenting blog sam cleasby sheffield

 

Parenting is bloody hard work.  From the sleepless nights of newborns, through teething and weaning, onto the stage when they can move themselves about and suddenly every nice thing in your home goes up onto a higher level.  Toddler tantrums as they discover their own voice through to starting school and suddenly having a different authority figure in their lives.  Tween dramas give way to teen dramas and suddenly the issues become more expensive and more dangerous… It is scary stuff being responsible for another human being and all any of are trying to do is not fuck them up too badly.

The only way to get through is to have other honest parents to talk to, and honest is the key word here.  Don’t read social media posts of the perfect mums who have made an organic breakfast, are beautifully dressed and made up, whose children are little angels who say ‘thank you mummy’ as she passes them their mung bean and papaya oatmeal and then trot out to school so mum can start her day as a high flying business woman who has it all…

Seriously, ignore that shit.

Honest parents are the best.  They will tell you about the time they saw the bin van coming as they had just finished breastfeeding and went to run to put the bins out and stood in a shitty nappy, skidding across the floor and then meeting the bin man with shit up their leg and one breast hanging out of their top.

They will tell you about the times when they lost their temper and shouted at their kids and then truly regretted it and cried outside on the doorstep until said child came and said ‘don’t cry mummy’.

They will tell you that sometimes they think their kids are dickheads and they occasionally daydream of running away from home.

They will tell you that random freezer dinners of one fishfinger, 2 mini sausage rolls, a pizza finger and some beans is totally acceptable if you stick a piece of cucumber on the side.

They will tell you that their heart aches when they try and deal with teenagers who are so angst filled and bubbling with hormones that you feel like different species.  That when their kids make idiotic choices and take dangerous paths that they just wish they were toddlers again so that the parents could cuddle them and watch Finding Nemo in bed and keep them safe.

They will tell you that parenting is all practicing, that they don’t have the answers and that it is hard work.

(All of these have happened to me…)

 

sam cleasby sheffield parenting blogger

 

Honest parents are vital.  Because when they’ve been honest about all the challenging parts of being a parent, you want to celebrate with them all the amazing parts.  Because though I sound down on being a parent here, I’m really not.  I love being a mum, it is literally the best thing I have ever done.

From the moment my first son was put in my arms, I felt purpose.  I knew that my life had changed forever and that I would spend the rest of it protecting and loving this bundle of joy.  I remember crying about the miracle of babies, how a little part of me and a little part of my partner had made an actual human being! Though that might have been the drugs…

Seeing your child grow and change is just magical, from the baby days where they are physically changing before your eyes every single day through to teens where you can see them maturing into wonderful young adults, the process is just beautiful.

The pride as you see them learn is wonderful, teaching them about the world around them and filling their minds with information and seeing them achieve is awesome.  I feel a great privilege to be mum to my bambinos, and they are growing up so quickly, I feel like I am grasping onto the last moments of childhood, especially with my eldest.  This week he came and laid on the sofa with me, head rested on my shoulder and watched TV.  I wanted to hug him and squeeze him but instead, I nonchalantly stayed put, slowly creeping my arm over to rest on his shoulder and quietly enjoyed the moment like he was a butterfly who would flit off at any moment.

I adore being a mum, my kids mean everything to me and I wouldn’t give this life up for the world.  I am so proud of them all, the three of them are all completely different with different personalities, goals and desires, but they are all just the best.  I can love them but still freely admit that I don’t have a clue what I am doing.

People ask me for parenting advice often, I don’t feel I can give it as all kids and families are so different.  But if I am pushed, I say this:

  • No child ever went bad from being loved too much.  Tell them you love them. Often. Seriously every day.  Yep, especially when you are arguing.
  • If you fuck up, admit it and say sorry.  You are teaching them that even their Mighty Grand High Parent sometimes gets it wrong and thats ok.
  • Fill your home and your life with interesting things, people and experiences.  Kids are little sponges of curiosity, teach them everything, give them culture, show them the world around them.
  • Don’t go it alone, speak to other (HONEST) parents.  This shit is hard work, it is not failing to ask for help.
  • Boost their self-esteem.  Be genuine and when they are awesome, tell them.
  • Give them the gift of art.  Encourage their creativity and celebrate art and music.  Whether it is cartoons or the Mona Lisa, finger painting or building cardboard dens.  Art is vital for kids, I honestly believe this and I think it helps them with pretty much every part of their lives.
  • Be interested in their lives, there will come a day when they won’t want to share everything with you and you will miss it.
  • Be honest with them.  Be open and true and tell the truth about life, even if it is difficult.
  • Enjoy them.  They grow up so quickly.  Someone once told me “you never know when it will be your last”, the last time they kiss you in front of their pals, the last time they’ll sit on your knee, the last time they will sleep in your bed… Cherish every moment.
  • Take them outdoors.  Mud pies, woodland walks, playing with sticks, building dens, laying in the sun, making daisy chains, playing games.  These things really matter.  Trust me.
  • Be grateful.  You have children when there are so many people in this world can’t.  Don’t take them for granted, love them, revel in them and celebrate them.

 

Sam xx

 

Quentin Letts and his mockery of disability

/1 Comment/in /by

Quentin Letts wrote in his Daily Mail column this week about a ‘talkshow war’ between Andrew Marr and Robert Peston.  Andrew Marr had a stroke a year ago and Letts decided to name him “Captain Hop-Along” because apparently journalism now consists of reverting to a 10 year old school yard bully.  Mocking disability is NOT OK… how ridiculous that in 2016 we even have to say that.

The whole piece is filled with jibes over the presenters looks, age and ability, I felt as though I was reading something by Katie Hopkins.  Or the mean bully I knew as a child.

“Sunday mornings just became a little madder and more metropolitan… we have Andrew ‘Captain Hop-Along’ Marr growling away on BBC1, throwing his arm about like a tipsy conductor.”

Speaking of his stroke to the BBC, Marr said “had affected “the whole left hand side of my body, which is why I’m still not able to walk fluently.  I do a kind of elegant hobble is the best I can manage – my left arm isn’t much good yet and I’ve got a lot of physio still to do”

Why do we still allow the discrimination of disability in mainstream media?  I know a few people who have had strokes whose lives have been turned upside down, they have a tough recovery and have to fight to regain their lives, which many do.

Marr (whether you like him or not) is an inspiration to the 110,000 people who have a stroke per year in the UK.  Returning to work and carrying on his on-screen performances was an important step for those with a disability who want to lead normal lives.  Whether we like it or not, disability is a stigma and Marr is doing a great service to many.

sam cleasby sheffield blogger disability

The Stroke Association says “All strokes are different. For some people the effects may be relatively minor and may not last long. Others may be left with more serious problems that make them dependent on other people.

Unfortunately not everyone survives – around one in eight people die within 30 days of having a stroke. That’s why it’s so important to be able to recognise the symptoms and get medical help as quickly as possible.  The quicker you receive treatment, the better your chances for a good recovery.”

It’s not funny and it’s not ok.  Mocking his speech and movement is a sign of ignorance, stupidity and generally of being an arsehole.  Quentin Letts should be ashamed of himself, even children understand that laughing at a person’s disability is morally wrong.  We can throw words around like free speech, and I stand for that notion wholeheartedly, but just because you CAN say something mean doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

I think Letts should apologise, not only to Andrew Marr, but to the community of people who have had a stroke, who do not need to be called names and mocked but celebrated and supported.

 

Sam xx

Getting back to what you love – reconnecting with nature

/5 Comments/in /by

One of my fondest memories as a child is of my nannan’s garden. She grew flowers and plants that were beautiful, but also fruit and veg, I remember eating strawberries with her straight from the ground, our fingers and lips sticky and red with the juice.  My nannan’s garden and home was a place of love and joy, a time spent with all my cousins playing and having fun.  Even now, at almost 91, nan lives in the same house, and her garden is still filled with blooms.  I visit her every week and last week, she was saying how much she wishes she still had the energy to grow her own vegetables, but she is happy just being able to potter and look out on her plot.


When my kids were very small, we moved house to a new area that was much more rural and in our little garden, I started planting fruit and vegetables for us to eat. I had little idea what I was doing but grew easy plants such as tomatoes, peas and herbs. I loved being in the garden and really enjoyed seeing the kids eat straight from the veg patch as I had so many years before.

I love seeing them out in nature, getting dirty and having fun, the veg and plants are my joy, but for them it is just about playing and being outdoors, from mud pies to dens.  It was much easier when they were small to get them outside, now at 15, 13 and 11, it takes a little more persuasion, but once they are out, they get right back into it.

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability

Since those early days, I have slowly learnt more and more and grown more each year. I’m no expert and still rely heavily on gardening books and the Internet, but I feel so happy in the garden and so I just go with a trial and error tactic. The past 3 years have been tough with me not being physically strong enough to grow anything. I felt that planting things would end up as more work for Timm if I fell ill.

In January this year, I had another big surgery. I had my failing Jpouch removed, a permanent stoma formed and my butt removed.  The recovery was so hard and I couldn’t even bathe myself, I was bed bound and felt so weak.

We were in the middle of buying a house at the time that has an allotment in the garden. A dream come true but during my recovery, it became a source of immense anxiety.  I couldn’t imagine being strong enough to do the basics, let alone to plant and maintain a full allotment!

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability
It just seemed so unobtainable. I was so physically weak, just walking to the bathroom left me out of breath.  I was in so much pain and I felt helpless, useless and hopeless.

People told me to take one day at a time, to remember that my body was healing but that I would be stronger very soon.  I couldn’t imagine it. I could barely turn over in bed, how would I turn over an allotment’s worth of soil in the vegetable beds?

But I’m so pleased to say that here I am! My allotment is well on the way, with a lot of help from Timm with the heavier work and lots of time of seated planting and gentle, slow work, the garden is looking amazing!

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far and we had a day in the lotty, it was so hot that I was in shorts and a bikini top. It’s quite private so I wasn’t worried about being overlooked, but as I worked away, I looked down at my bag and it made me realise just how far I have come.

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability
I am certainly not at full strength, my recovery is still continuing and I am still having some pains and niggles. I am being careful, I don’t push myself too hard and I listen to my body. But I am here doing it! It feels amazing and it makes me celebrate how far I have come.

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability

Four months ago, I was bed bound and could do nothing for myself, today I am up and about, getting stronger each day and making sure that I am doing the things that make me happy.

I’m being careful but I’m dog walking, I’m gardening, I’m spending more time outside in the fresh air and this is helping not only my physical health, but my mental and emotional health too.

allotment sam cleasby sheffield gardening disability

If you are struggling right now with poor health, just remember that things won’t always be so tough.  We have bad days, bad weeks, bad months even, but on the good days, we need to think about what will make us really happy and aim for that.

I’m a big believer that the outdoors is good for us, we need to try and get out every day.  Be it for 5 minutes sitting with the sun on your face or a walk or run.  It helps a lot when the weather is good, but being in the outdoors, especially woodland and countryside can really lift the mood.

I was reminded of the importance of this, this week, when I felt as though I had lost my kids to their computers and so we switched everything off and spent a day in the allotment.  At first they were grumpy, but very quickly, they started helping out, playing, building dens and more importantly, talking and laughing.  We are all so reliant on computers and phones, sometimes you just need to disconnect and reconnect with nature and family.

I know that can be easier said than done but today, if possible, turn off your computer, go outside and get back to something you love.

Sam xx

Please don’t stop inviting me

/6 Comments/in /by

When you have a chronic illness, one of the things that cause guilt and stress is letting people down, I hate that I am sometimes so slack and have to say no to plans, often at the last minute.  To anyone I let down, I am sorry.

But please don’t stop inviting me…

I know it is frustrating when I call (or more likely do the cowardly text) at the last minute, I am sure you look down at your phone and roll your eyes and think ‘here we go again!’ I am sorry that I cancel on our plans, but I swear, in the cheesiest of lines, it’s not you, it’s me.

Whether it is last minute pain, fatigue or anxiety, whether it is physical or mental, I know that it can seem to you that I must not care.  I know that you may analyse my excuse and logically come up with an outcome where I could make it if I really wanted to.   I know that it makes you sad, or angry, or fed up.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

sam cleasby so bad ass IBD blogger and writer

I know you have been there for me and come to my events, my parties, my coffee breaks.  You make the effort to visit me and be an amazing friend.  You put yourself out and very rarely cancel and it must be so frustrating to have a friend who doesn’t return the favour.

It must be quite difficult having me as a friend, I don’t have a normal level of consistency in my life, it is one thing or another with my health and if it isn’t a physical thing, years of living with these issues have made me mad as a bag of frogs.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

I am sorry for that time I missed your child’s birthday party, I am sorry I didn’t come on your planned trek to the countryside, I am sorry I bailed on your last party, I am sorry I cancelled our brunch date, I apologise for saying I would definitely come to that yoga class with you then abandoning you to do it alone.

I feel terrible that I didn’t call you more regularly when my problems seem to fill my whole head space, it makes me sad to know that I am not the best friend in the world, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

I know I am sometimes slack and I cancel on you.  This illness of mine sometimes makes me selfish and clouds out everything else, but know this.  I may not be present, but you are always in my thoughts, I might miss your event but I love you dearly, I bailed on your party but I am loyal, caring and my friends mean everything to me.

Even when I don’t make it to your events, please know how much it means to be invited.  Your offers mean everything even if I know I can’t make it.  Thank you for making me feel normal, for not being put off by my illness, my cancelations, my issues.

Please don’t stop inviting me.

sam cleasby so bad ass IBD blogger and writer

It takes a very special person to be friends with someone with a chronic, life long illness.  You lose friends and family members along the way when you are ill, it is a time where you find out who is really there for you.  Some people can’t hack it, they walk away and don’t want to be part of your life because it isn’t all sweetness and light.  These fair-weather friends are only there for the good times, when the shit hits the bedpan, they are out of here!!!

But the people who stay are true gems, and I appreciate the friends and family who have stuck by my side throughout the terrible lows and been there to cheer for the amazing highs.

Thank you to my amazing friends.

Thank you for never stopping inviting me.

 

Sam xxx

This Morning with Philip and Holly… And So Bad Ass

/9 Comments/in /by

Yesterday was a whirlwind of awesome! I appeared on ITV’s morning show This Morning and got to meet the very wonderful Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby and talk about my all time favourite subject, poo!

I was invited on by TV and radio personality Judi Spiers, who along with her husband, invented a product to help people to change ostomy bags.  I reviewed the Riksack for them last month and they had been invited onto the couch for National Bowel Month and asked me to go with them.  Hooray!!

The researchers got in touch and had seen my blog and thought I would be great on TV, which was a huge compliment, almost as exciting as when they told me that Philip had been reading my blog and loved it! Arghhh!!!! So, if you are reading this now Mr Schofield, hiiiiiiii you are a living legend and a total fox!

I got the train down to London the night before after a traumatic decision over what to wear on the telly box.  I asked my awesome followers on Facebook for advice and advise they did… Over 300 of them, though unfortunately all saying different things!! In the end I went for a flowery dress by Lindy Bop which I felt comfortable in and also felt fab in.  Of course, I also wore my sparkly, gold boots.

What do I wear on the telly box?! Excuse my wind swept hair and grey socks! ?

A photo posted by So Bad Ass (@samcleasby) on

I got picked up in a car from my hotel and taken to the studios, hilariously there were some paparazzi hanging out and they got excited as I pulled up.  Unfortunately they were super disappointed when I got out of the car, I still waved and smiled just in case! (HA!)

The staff at This Morning were all lovely, very welcoming and trying to put you at ease, there were drinks and pastries and snacks but I didn’t eat as I didn’t want my stoma farting and bag filling up on live TV.  I went into hair and makeup where I was attended to by #MrFaceMaker and then back to the Green Room I went.

In hair and makeup with #mrfacemaker at #thismorning ??

A photo posted by So Bad Ass (@samcleasby) on

I filmed a pre recorded piece where I changed my ostomy bag using the Riksack, I was hoping to be the first stoma on live TV but alas, they cut that part out of the live show.  It was a bit odd to change my bag in front of strangers, the team were very sensitive though and made sure it was just a producer and a cameraman.  After changing my bag, I asked the producer what she thought, she admitted that she had been concerned as she was squeamish and was worried that it was going to be difficult to watch, but she was amazed that my stoma was so small and not nearly as terrifying as she had imagined.

This is why I do all the things I do, to change perceptions and break those taboos.

#thismorning

A photo posted by So Bad Ass (@samcleasby) on

So we then went onto set (which is much smaller than you imagine and all in one room) and I met the King and Queen of daytime TV, Philip and Holly.  Philip came over and kissed me and welcomed me to the show and I went over to Holly… and curtsied.

WTF? Whyyyyyy would I do a curtsy?? I was just a bit star struck and then I laughed and said “Oh.  I just curtsied” THEN CURTSIED AGAIN!!!

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed out in public.

Anyway, they had a laugh at my weirdness and then we sat on the sofa, I was with Judi and surgeon Mr Ian Daniels and off we went…

The interview went quicker than you think it will, it seemed to be over in a flash and then we were done! I wish I had said more but the slot was about the Riksack product and about signs and symptoms of bowel disease and bowel cancer and so it was important to get that info out.

I loved every minute of it and would love to do more TV as though it is terrifying before, it is so enjoyable once you are there doing it.  It is hard to get a lot of info into a 7 minute slot, especially when there are three people being interviewed it is nigh on impossible to say everything you want.  So apologies for not getting a bit more So Bad Assness out there!

Arrrgghhhhhhhh they were so lovely!!! Hope I did you all proud!!!!

A photo posted by So Bad Ass (@samcleasby) on

Holly is as beautiful in real life as she is on TV.  Seriously, I was a bit in awe of her and she was really sweet and lovely.  She was very friendly and complimented my dress and they both congratulated me on this blog and my work in disability.  Philip is a total fox.  I loved him in the early 90s with Gordon the Gopher and can’t believe I got to meet such a famous celeb.  He was really friendly and put you right at ease.  People have asked me to dish some dirt on the two of them, but I cant! They were just lovely!

I am really proud of myself.  The past few years have been hellish and there were times when I was in HDU or crying in pain in bed or leaking and feeling like a monster when I felt so low that I couldn’t imagine going on.  So to be on live TV four months after my last surgery was a HUGE milestone.

I do what I do to make others understand what life with an illness or disability is like, I do it to break taboos, to educate, inform, support and inspire.  I do it to make a difference.  I do it because I need a reason that I have had to go through all this.

#thismorning

A photo posted by So Bad Ass (@samcleasby) on

I didn’t plan for my life to be a series of battles, of medication, surgery, illness, pain and suffering.  But this is the hand I was dealt and so I will use every single one of these things to help others and make a difference in the world.

You can view the interview below, thanks for all the lovely messages on Facebook and Twitter, they mean everything.

Sam xx