When you're having a bad day…

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You know those days where everything seems like hard work? When life is getting you down and everything is against you?

I’m sure you do because we all have those days. The ones where you need to crawl into a duvet cocoon and hide from the world, eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys and watch weepy films.

When you have a chronic illness these days can occur more often and it can be really hard not to let it all get on top of you and for it to be just too much.

I’ve had a few days like that recently. I’m still recovering from the jpouch surgery, though it was over a year ago, I was told it’s a 2 year recovery period and I’m still learning about my new body. I get days when it’s perfect! And then days where I am on the loo A LOT.

I’ve also been struggling emotionally and I think it’s because I am writing my book. Trawling through the memory banks and writing about my life, the illness, surgeries and my past is bringing up all kind of emotions. I often write with tears streaming down my face as I relive these events in order to share them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m over the moon at writing the book and I’m so excited but it’s really stirring up feelings.

When I’m down in the dumps, everything is tougher, life is heavier and the simplest of tasks seem overwhelming. I begin to doubt myself. That horrid little voice in my head starts to whisper mean things about me and it’s harder and harder to shoo it away.

And then I came across this image. It’s from a letter from Charles Darwin in 1861 to to his friend Charles Lyel. It comes from the American Philosophical Society and I found it on this blog

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“But I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything”

This letter was written two years AFTER he’d published ‘On the Origin of Species’. Two years after writing one of the most important books of our time, inspirational genius and all round game changer Darwin felt as stupid and pissed off as we all do on bad days!

If he were alive now I’m sure he would be in a duvet on the sofa watching Netflix too, watching marathons of Orange is the new black and cry singing to Les Mis.

It was just a great reminder for me that we all have bad days and that its ok to feel rubbish sometimes. That I need to have the bad day and then get back on the metaphorical horse and carry on.

There’s a great quote by Winston Churchill that says “If you’re going through hell, keep going!” I love that and tell myself it on those bad days. Because after a good old sulk, we need to buck up, put on our big girl pants and carry on.

The other option is to stay static in that hell which isn’t going to help anyone, especially yourself.

And so on my bad days, though I’ve learnt to accept them a little more, I will think of Darwin and his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and if nothing else it will make me smile to know I am in good company.

Sam xx

A tin can or an ostomy bag – which would you choose?

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Remember a few months ago I told you about a crowdfunding campaign for Stoma Aid run by the Colostomy Association to give someone a #BagforLife ?

Millions of people worldwide have a stoma, however, thousands of people with a stoma across the world are forced to use tin cans, carrier bags and bits of cloth because they are unable to afford the cost of a stoma bag. In Papua New Guinea there are only two stoma care nurses in the entire country: in the Philippines a single bag costs a week’s wages.

What is Stoma Aid?

Each month, tens of thousands of stoma bags are thrown away in the UK as they are no longer needed. We will collect these unused bags and distribute them to people in need in developing countries across the world.

Money raised with your help will help fund:
  • A dedicated staff-member to oversee and manage the Stoma Aid project as well as volunteers.
  • A warehouse where stoma bags can be collected and stored.
  • Education about stoma care in developing countries across the world.
The project is supported by the Colostomy Association – a national charity that supports people with a stoma throughout the UK.
Can you spare a few pounds today?  Your cash can help change this.  In the UK we are so lucky that we have the NHS to support and fund our bags, we don’t have to worry about it.  I can’t imagine having to choose between an ostomy bag and feeding my children, can you?
Even if you can’t give any money you can still help make Stoma Aid a reality.
  • Share our campaign on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other social media.
  • Tell your friends, families and colleagues about Stoma Aid.

Stoma Aid will change the lives of thousands of people across the world. Change someone’s life and give them a #BagOfLife.

 

Thanks

 

Sam xx

 

 

National Diversity Awards

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I feel very privileged to have been nominated for an award at the National Diversity Awards for Role Model for disability.

I am totally overwhelmed and honoured that people have taken the time to vote for me.

Though I do this blog and raise awareness because I want to make a difference and help others, to be recognised for my efforts is really heartwarming.

Voting closes on June 21st and so please take the time to have a look through the nominees and vote for someone! Of course it would be lovely if that were for me, but having seen the other nominees I’m just happy to be put in the same categories as these wonderful folk.

Please do pop over and vote. It takes a couple of minutes.

Thank you!

Sam x

Pelican Healthcare Live Your Life roadshow – Birmingham

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I’m thrilled to let you know that I will be at the Pelican Healthcare Live Your Life roadshow this Saturday in Birmingham.

From 10.00 until 3.00pm at Millichip Suite, West Bromwich Albion Football Club

The Hawthorns, West Bromwich, West Midlands, B71 4LF

I will be doing a talk in the morning and afternoon about self esteem, body confidence and ostomies.

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There will be tons of support and information and other interesting talks through the day.
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Feel free to drop by with your family and friends, anytime between 10am and 3pm. If you have any queries, or would like to confirm your attendance, you can contact us by:

Email –

Freephone – 0800 318 282

Register now to receive a free goody bag on entry!

I look forward to seeing you there! If you live too far away do check out the Pelican website for details of other roadshows.

Sam

Suicide Girls…

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Devoted to changing your idea of what makes a lady beautiful… As long as you are thin and white?

So there’s this website called Suicide Girls, they’ve been going a few years but I rediscovered them on Instagram recently. Their tagline of being “devoted to changing your idea of what makes a lady beautiful” caught my eye and upon looking through I saw a variety pin up girls sporting tattoos and piercings.

I love tattoos. A lot. If I had more money, I’d be covered!! And so a site and social media portraying so called alternative women with ink and metal made me happy.

That slogan of changing ideas of beauty also appealed to me and so I hit follow, looking forward to some awesome women coming up in my Instagram feed.

And they do. But after a week, a bloody annoying pattern emerges. Yes, there are lots of beautiful, interesting and inked up women. But the HUUUUUUGE majority are both thin and white.

Ok, it’s great to promote tattooed women as beautiful, but thin white women don’t usually have that many issues being portrayed in the media. And as tats become commonplace in society, it’s really not that alternative.

So where are the bigger women? Where are the women of colour?

In the first 100 posts on the Instagram feed there are 6 women of colour.

And one woman who looks bigger than a size 10. And that post is filled with fat shaming comments.

What’s going on Suicide Girls? I love the idea of promoting an alternative view to traditional beauty, but surely you could bring yourself to show some larger ladies to your audience?

As the average size of women is around a UK 16, why don’t you show more average sized women?

Or does the idea of “what makes a lady beautiful” only apply to the thin white ones…

Though progress is being made with more and more plus size women as models and most recently the wonderful Tess Holliday I just wish we could see more of this.

What do you think?

Sam x

Why I don't want my daughter to pledge her virginity

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Over in America there are these frankly bizarre things called Purity Balls, no, it’s not a cleanser for testicles but an event in which young girls pledge to their fathers that they won’t have sex before marriage.  Within the conservative christian movement, these purity balls are spreading and now happen in 48 states across the USA with daughters committing to “live pure lives before God” to their fathers.

The images of these balls show young girls dressed in white, like mini brides, standing by their fathers, wearing suits akin to a groom.  The ceremonies have a similar structure to a traditional wedding with vows, dinners and speeches with the average age of the girls being 12 – 13, the kind of age where puberty is becoming more apparent.

The Christian Centre, which holds purity balls in Illinois states on their website; “We hope you will join us as we encourage young women to commit to moral purity” claiming it “holds high the banner of purity in the midst of a culture that destroys it.”

I have issues with this.  LOTS OF ISSUES.

Where are the purity balls for young boys to pledge their virginities to their mothers?  Or is it just the thought of women as sexual beings that appalls society?  Why is it not as important to these folk that their sons stay ‘pure’ till marriage?

Let’s think about that word ‘pure’, the opposite being what? Purity with regards to sexuality assumes that sex is an impure act.  That being in a sexual relationship before marriage means you are not perfect.  What a load of shit! Sex is not dirty or wrong, sex is sometimes a beautiful act between people who love and trust one another, it is sometimes a physical act of pleasure and nothing more, and yes, sometimes it can be about violence, power or ignorance.

Let’s teach our children about the joy of sex and what a wonderfully, deliciously perfect thing it can be in the right circumstances.  I don’t want my daughter to pledge us her virginity, I want her to pledge to us that she will come to us if she needs advice or support.  I want her to pledge that she will accept education around pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  I want her to pledge to us that she understands that sex within a relationship of trust, care and love is bloody wonderful.  I want her to pledge to us that she enjoys her sexuality and knows that any choices about her body belong soley to her and that she should never let others shame her.

We talk a lot in our home, we openly discuss things that in my youth would never have been spoken about. We tell our children that even if something feels embarrassing, that we will answer their questions and always tell the truth.  The idea of forcing them to swear to us that they won’t have sex before marriage seems crazy!

I can’t help but think that a child that pledges this at 12 has no idea of how she will feel at 16, 17 or into her 30’s and 40’s! Many women now choose either to marry later in life or not at all.  For this generation of women, marriage is not the be all and end all it was in the past and the idea that women must ‘save themselves’ is outdated, sexist and upsetting.  ‘Must’ being the operative word there, if women CHOOSE not to have sex before marriage then that is up to them, but it should be their choice and theirs alone.

I can’t help but think that girls who are pushed into making this pledge will face problems as they get older and have the natural sexual urges that we all do.  Sex then becomes a thing of guilt, shame and fear.  If at 16 or older (the legal age limit in the UK) they choose to have sex, they could feel a sense of guilt, an inability to speak to their parents, a fear of accessing sexual health clinics.  I fear it will result in a higher rate of teenage pregnancies and STD’s as well as a disconnect from their families.

It also completely denies the idea that these girls may be gay, trans or any form of sexual identity other than heterosexual

Sexual education is key to raising children into happy, well rounded and confident adults.  My education doesn’t differ that much between my sons and daughter.  They all get the same advice, we talk about the physical act of sex, the biology of it all.  But far more importantly, we talk about the emotional and social aspects of sex, about respect, trust, pleasure and love.

I was raised in a Catholic family and so shame and guilt were par the course! But I want my children to be raised knowing the joy of sex, the pleasure gained from sharing a deeply personal act of love.  I want them to know it is special, but that they have to make their own choices once they are 16, (and I do stress the age thing, not just because of the legal side, but because of the emotional maturity needed to deal with a sexual relationship).

I want my daughter to know that any slut shaming she faces is not ok.  That her body belongs to her, that I hope she makes good, healthy decisions and looks after her body, and any negativity she faces for expressing her sexuality is not ok, but unfortunately ingrained into some sectors of society and says more about them than her.

I want my boys to know the same values, but I feel I have to push harder against the shitty parts of life where women are taken for granted and so I hope they will grow into men who know that every relationship should be nurtured, that sex is about trust, pleasure and joy not power or violence.  That their gender doesn’t allow them a carte blanche to treat others badly.

I want them all to know that whatever their sexual orientation, that we will love and accept them and though I sometimes casually use the word ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’, what I mean is ‘partner’ and as long as they are happy, then we will be happy.

Above all, I want them all to know that they can speak to me or their dad and that we will try our best to accept, guide and support them in any questions or difficulties they face.  I don’t want a pledge of virginity, I want a mutual respect and love between us that means they can come to me if they need me.

These purity balls seem an outdated and irresponsible idea, let’s stop shaming our young adults into an inability to express their sexuality and help guide them through the minefield of emotions surrounding sex, feelings and relationships.

 

Sam x

 

Image by David Magnusson

BIG NEWS!!!!

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And so after weeks of annoyingly vague Facebook and twitter status’ of secretive meetings in London (sorry about that!!!), I can announce my big news!

I have signed with wonderful agents Peters, Fraser and Dunlop and I am writing a book!!!

Since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of being a writer.  This was squashed out of me when my English teacher at school told me I would fail all my exams and would never be a writer. (I went and told her my great GCSE results grinning, thinking she would congratulate me.  She didn’t.)

My self belief and confidence took a battering when I became a teenage mum, I became convinced that everyone looked down on me and that the teachers at school would be laughing “I told you so” to one another.  As my friends went on to University, my life became a never ending cycle of nappies, feeding and sleepless nights.  With a husband who worked away for nine months a year and three kids under 5, my career choices felt extremely limited.  I also LOVED being a stay at home mum when my bambinos were little and so the dreams of being an author drifted further and further away.

The success of this blog has astounded me and pushed me forward, it gave me the confidence to put myself out there and through the help of friends I met with the bloody brilliant Nelle Andrew, who after a few meetings decided she would like to represent me and took me on as a client!  I am blown away, I can’t believe that I am getting this opportunity and I will grab it firmly with both hands!!

So what next?  My book proposal is being edited, rearranged and critiqued by Nelle and I am working my socks off to perfect it before we start sending it off to publishers.  Really excitingly, there are a couple of publishers already VERY interested and so life as an author begins!

Peters, Fraser and Dunlop is one of the longest-established literary and talent agencies in London and I am thrilled to be working with both Nelle as a literary agent but also the Media and Public Speaking departments and so I hope that the So Bad Ass message will spread wide and far and that I can make a real difference. (I think TV needs more bolshy, northern, plus size bad asses, don’t you?!!)

I want to thank you all so much for your support, love and messages.  The reason I write is to make a difference and to help others and the book will be an extension of this, I can’t give too much away right now but it will be a book about love, kindness and battles and it will be dedicated to every one of you that are So Bad Ass.

 

Love Sam xxxxx

 

 

 

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Feeling like crap but carrying on regardless

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It’s ironic that today on World IBD day, I spent the morning at the GP surgery. For a week or so I’ve not felt quite right, increased toilet visits, urgency and a couple of accidents. I have also been struggling massively with joint pain.

I had a Twitter chat with IA Support (isn’t social media brill?!) who suggested possible Pouchitis and recommended I visit the doctors. I put it off as my anxiety over being taken back into hospital kicked in and I wanted to hide from any medical professionals but then yesterday my son held my hand and it hurt so much I had to let go.

I realised it was probably time to call the GP…

So with a temperature, bad joints, increased poos with urgency and blood and feeling like I have the flu I am so fatigued, my dr thinks the same and I have some big boy antibiotics to try and kick this bout of pouchitis in the ass.

Yet it is world IBD day which means though I’d rather be in a duvet den I am actually on the bus into Sheffield ready to go on BBC radio to talk about IBD!

Because though I am a BIG fan of listening to your body and stopping when you need to, today is just too important to me to cancel. I do everything I can to keep raising awareness, to #stoppoobeingtaboo and to help as many people as I can. And I do it all whilst fighting my own battles.

I know today I can reach a large audience of people with IBD, as well as carers, family and friends of those with Crohns or Colitis. And so I will carry on regardless because it means EVERYTHING to me to make a difference.

This shitty disease that keeps knocking me down every time I am feeling better. It has to be for a purpose. I have to believe that my life isn’t a struggle for no reason, and I choose to believe that reason is for this Sheffield lass with a big gob to help others.

And so Ill keep going today, through running to the loo and grinding aching joints and I will make a difference.

(Let’s not even DISCUSS my day trip to London tomorrow for business meetings!!!!)

Luckily I am going on holiday at the end of this week with my lovely Timm and the kids to see my fab in laws in Lanzarote. Not great timing as I’m worried about ruining the trip but at least I have some down time and can relax and rest.

Love Sam x