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Lessons for my daughter

6th July 2014/17 Comments/in Blog/by sam

A while ago I wrote a message to my teenage son, thousands of you read and loved it and Ive had a lot of requests for a post with advice to young girls. My 11 year old daughter is just leaving Junior school and ready to start at Secondary School. She is on the cusp of so many changes and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

Here are the lessons I would like to pass on to my wonderful pre teen daughter.

1 Love your body

Your body is a little miracle, I know you are facing so many physical changes but you need to embrace these changes and know it is your body maturing and becoming a woman. As a child you have always loved your body, your fast legs that thrash your brothers in races, your strong arms that swing you across the monkey bars with ease, your waist and hips that once hula hooped for over an hour!!

As you change and grow you are going to face a barrage of messages telling you that your body isn’t good enough. Know that the marketing companies that are telling you that you aren’t thin enough, curvy enough, flawless enough do it only to perpetuate the multi billion pound beauty and fashion industry. You are more than enough. Whatever height, weight or shape you become will be beautiful and amazing.

Your body will be beautiful and amazing because it is the case and form that carries your beautiful and amazing soul.

I hope you can see that beauty is about so much more than your weight and shape. I hope I have surrounded you by beautiful women who show you that whether we are a size 6 or a size 26, our beauty lies in our strength, kindness, intelligence and awesomeness.

2 Stupidity isn’t cute

There is this trend for celebrating stupidity. That dumb asses are funny, cute or endearing. Despite seeing these stupid people get TV shows and magazine columns, know that stupidity is simply ignorance. You are a brilliant and intelligent young woman, don’t EVER feel that you need to dumb down.

This isn’t about you being the cleverest person on the planet, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and I don’t think you have to join MENSA. Im talking about the z list celebs who revel in not knowing basic knowledge. If you ever feel that you need to act dumb, you need to change the people who are surrounding you, not yourself.

Strive to learn, both in school and out. Read EVERYTHING, experiment, ask questions, learn something new every day.

3 Be kind

Teenage girls have a reputation for being bitchy. Learn that being a bitch gets you nowhere, you can be strong willed and speak your mind but don’t be a bitch. Don’t be a doormat and let people treat you badly, but let it go and don’t face nastiness with more nastiness.

Be kind, show love, be open minded, show empathy, try and see things from the other persons point of view. Know that everyone is facing some sort of battle.

4 Respect yourself

Respect yourself and your body. Look after your wonderful body by keeping it clean and healthy. Eat well, exercise, don’t smoke (PLEASE don’t smoke), shower, brush your teeth, look after your skin.

When you get older and are exploring your sexuality, firstly remember that sex under 16 is illegal… Then have respect for your body, don’t allow anyone to do anything that you don’t want. Don’t bow in to peer pressure, all the girls may SAY they have done things you haven’t but they are probably lying. And even if they aren’t, you are better than doing things just because others have.

Show respect and love to yourself and set the bar high, don’t be with anyone who doesn’t treat you with the same love and respect that you treat yourself. Don’t rush into things, give yourself time to think things through, trust your gut and if you need to talk then come to me, I promise to be honest and not judgmental and try and help you find a solution to any issue so you feel happy and comfortable with it.

Stay safe, don’t put yourself in situations where you are in danger. And if you do, tell me and Ill make it better.

5 Study hard

It may not seem cool at times to be trying your hardest in school, it may seem like talking and messing about in class is the way to fit in. I don’t expect you to be on it 100% of the time but know that studying hard now will pay off in the future, the career you want starts here, get your head down and study hard so you can lead the life you want.

Unfortunately there is still a degree of sexism in this world and so you may have to fight harder and work longer to get the same job as a man and the same wages. Aim high, you can do whatever you set your mind to. You are such an intelligent girl, sometimes I can’t believe we made such a clever person! Your diligence and hard work pays off and we couldn’t be prouder of you. Keep going!

6 Be open minded

Everyone is so different, be open minded and accepting of those around you. Don’t ever be homophobic, sexist or racist. I know you aren’t so never fall into the trap of thinking that a bit of casual, comedic bigotry is ok. Because it isn’t.

Have empathy and treat people the way that you want to be treated. Don’t judge people on hear say, judge them on how they treat you and the people around you. As you go up to secondary school your social circle is about to grow massively, you will meet people totally different to you in so many ways. Being open minded means accepting new and different people into your life, this will happen for the rest of your life, so enjoy meeting new people and use the experience to learn new things.

7 Own your sexuality

As you get older and your sexuality becomes a bigger deal and something that defines you, be proud of who you are and accept yourself. Whether you are attracted to men or women, know that your sexuality belongs to you and we will not judge you.

Dress how you want because you want to dress that way, not because the media portray femininity in one narrow way. You don’t need to flash your bottom and boobs to be a beautiful woman, but equally if you want to dress in that way, it shouldn’t make you an easy target for being called names.

Love yourself and learn who you are before you try to love others, I know that it seems cool to have a partner but know the best relationships come when you are confident and happy in yourself.

8 Take responsibility for your own actions

You are responsible for the actions you take. There is nothing worse than a whinger, someone who blames everyone else for the failings in their lives. These are people who will never get anywhere in life because they are looking for someone else to make it better for them.

There is no big secret to life. You have to work hard, make good choices and strive for the things you want.

Few things can’t be made better by an honest, heart felt apology, so if you do mess up (and you will at some point, because we ALL do) then own up and say sorry.

And if you ever need me, just say the word. I will always be in your corner, no matter how stupid you have been, no matter what the time, no matter if I am busy, working, have my own problems or am ill, call me and I will be there.

9 Follow your own path

You are such a fantastic, clever, awesome, unique person. Embrace your weirdness, be yourself and revel in your wonderful self. Don’t follow the crowd, you are bigger and better than being a sheep who copies others.

Think big, aim high and follow your own path. Whatever your future dreams are you can get there if you try hard and commit to it. There are no stupid career choices if it is what you really want.

You want to join the circus? Then bloody well do it girl, be the best circus act going or make a difference with it (my favourite children’s circus The Flying Seagulls make a difference to kids all over the world)

You want to be an inventor, then start now, get inventing and aim to be the best!

Whatever path you choose, we will support you as long as you are happy and positive!

I wish I had had the confidence to write sooner, but I always thought that people like me couldn’t do something like that. I thought my best would be to work in an office or shop. Its only now in my 30s that I have realised that writing makes me happy, I saw this quote that said “The thing you do whilst you procrastinate is the thing you should be doing for a living” and I really believe that. Your career should be something you find joy in, something you are passionate about. This thing may change, you may start on one path only to realise that this other path, one that was hiding behind some bushes is the thing you really love.

Change paths as many times as you need as long as every path belongs to you and is leading you to a positive and joyful place.

10 Never allow a partner is treat you badly

Never. Ever. No physically abusive relationship starts with a punch of the first date, its something that develops and a way that somebody controls you. Don’t allow people to treat you poorly, this can start with telling you what you can or can’t wear, who you can be friends with or by not allowing you the freedom to live your life in the way you want to. They may use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. They may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

A good relationship is one that makes you feel good, that makes you happy and that benefits your life. If you ever find yourself in a relationship where you feel frightened, sad or disrespected then tell someone. Id like it to be me, but if you can’t do that, then tell someone you trust.

Take a look at this website for more advise or help.

Im sure as you become a teenager, the lessons I need to pass on to you will change, just know that I love you so much and will always be here for you. Im not a mind reader so sometimes you will need to shout up and tell me what you need but I promise you bubs, even when we fight, even when you think I am interfering, annoying and embarrassing, I only want the best for you and promise to do everything I can to make your life as amazing as you deserve it to be.

Love Mum xxx

As I sit here on a bidet crying…

5th July 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Well THERE’S a title I never thought I would post!

Seriously though if you are reading this looking for some of my usual positivity, step away now. I am writing this in my bathroom sat on a bidet having spent the last 20 minutes crying. Right now I am feeling bloody sorry for myself.

My kids are away this weekend at scout camp and as they have a whale of a time, Timm and I are having a weekend to ourselves and so far it’s been fab. On Friday I had a new tattoo!!! By the fantastic Glen at Fat Stans in Dinnington, my newest tattoo is line drawings of flowers. My tattooist is great and I’d recommend him very highly, I know he reads this blog from time to time and he makes a point of asking me about my surgery and recovery. It is brilliant to talk about it and normalise the whole process!

Last night we had friends over and had a brilliant evening with good food, booze and daft games. Today we have been to a double bill cinema day (Tammy and The hundred year old man who climbed out of a window and disappeared)

I was having stomach pains in the cinema and had to go to the bathroom a couple of times. I HATE going to public toilets now. The reason is embarrassing. When I go for a poo since having my pouch surgery it is VERY loud. The passing of stool comes with gas and it sounds pretty much like this.

The plan was to then come home, have a Chinese and just hang out together. Only I was desperate for the loo, we’ve got home and unfortunately my (hilarious) chalk board has been reset to 0…

As much as my comedy board does make me chuckle sometimes today it’s made me so sad. It was on 7 and so this feels like a huge set back. I’m embarrassed. I’m angry. I’m heart broken.

I don’t want to write about this really as I don’t want everyone to know.

But I promised myself I would talk about all aspects of my disease, surgery and recovery.

I hate that my husband has to deal with this. I hate it. I don’t want him to see me like this. He is wonderful and just gives me a kiss and tells me it’s fine. But I feel like I’ve taken a punch to the gut when I think about how this aspect of my illness makes me feel so low.

I’m sat on a bidet because of the butt burn. I’ve yet to blog about this yet. Basically the large intestine neutralises the stomach acid in poo. Without it, my waste is really acidic and harsh on my skin. I wear creams and potions to help but sometimes it’s still unbearable. It feels like acid is burning into my butt. It’s itchy, painful and does really feel like a burn.

So I’m feeling particularly pathetic tonight. Please forgive my moaning but right now I just feel weepy, sad and disgusting.

All I can do is dry my eyes and remember tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for reading, at the times when I doubt whether I should write about these things, when I cringe at the thought of people reading this and laughing or judging me I remember the reason I do this. The reason I run this blog and bare my soul is to share my experiences, #stoppoobeingtaboo and to hopefully make life a tiny but easier for others living with ulcerative colitis, crohns or with an ostomy or a pouch.

I know this helps because every day I get emails, messages and comments from people all over the world telling me it’s helping them. I am eternally grateful for every one of these messages, I can’t put into words how important it feels to be making a difference in the lives of others and it spurs me to continue.

If you are reading this as an IBD patient and I’m scaring you I am sorry, the only thing I can say is this.

You are not alone. You CAN get through this. It’s OK to have rubbish days as long as you pick your self up the next day and carry on being awesome and so bad ass.

And now I’m off to take my own advice!!

Sam xxxxx

I <3 MY STOMA

3rd July 2014/6 Comments/in Blog/by sam

After a year of blogging here at So Bad Ass I am OVER THE MOON to see so much about IBD, Crohns, Colitis and living with an ostomy in the media. It is a really exciting time and Im so pleased to see stories and pictures in the news and going viral. As you may know my aim is to #stoppoobeingtaboo and so it is fantastic to see the disease and treatments being talked about.

Im loving the bikini shots doing the rounds, I have been open and shared my photos for the last year as I think it is so important to demystify and show the reality of having an ileostomy or colostomy bag and so I think the other people sharing their pictures are just brilliant.

I am now 7 weeks post pouch surgery and so I am learning to live without my ileostomy after 9 months with my stoma and bag but it got me thinking about how that bag changed my life so massively. After ten years of ulcerative colitis and endless hospital stays, medication and different treatments I had surgery to remove my large intestine and an ileostomy formed.

For the first time in so long I suddenly felt like I had some control back in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it was major surgery and the recovery was tough but I was no longer going to the toilet 20-30 times a day, I wasn’t bleeding or in pain and it changed my life in such a positive way.

It was a big decision and a terrifying one, but it was the right thing for me and I honestly did love my stoma. It was a funny little thing, I had no control over it and it bubbled and trumped whenever it felt like it. I named it Barack Ostoma (no real reason, I just love a pun and it made me laugh!) and it allowed me to go traveling to Vietnam and Australia just three months after surgery, something I couldn’t imagine trying to plan whilst being ill with Ulcerative Colitis!

And so today I just want to celebrate my stoma and ask you to share my post, let’s show the world what is under the bag. It isn’t terrifying or ugly, it isn’t dirty or something to be ashamed of, it is a surgical alteration to the body which changes lives and helps people live again.

I <3 my stoma.

What do you think of it?

Love Sam xxxx

Loving your baby body

2nd July 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

This is a post I did for Motherhood Journeys about self esteem and loving your baby body.

I started So Bad Ass last June and began blogging about my experiences, suddenly a lot of people were reading about my journey and the messages I started to receive weren’t just from people with the same problems as me, they were from teenage girls with anorexia, grandmothers who had cancer, mothers who felt they had lost themselves, people going through divorces… All had the same problem at the root and it came down to self-esteem.

And so more and more, I write about positivity, body confidence, happiness and image. And that leads me to my post today.

Before I had children I was a size 8, roll forward nine months and I was a size 16. It was a blow for me and I suddenly felt lost, I felt that the person I was had disappeared under layers of fat and milk filled breasts. I know I had grown and housed a human being for 40 weeks but I was shocked at how my body now looked.

Another two children followed in the next four years and I never lost the weight I had gained. It made me feel guilty; I saw images of celebrity mothers who ‘snapped’ right back into shape and the fat shaming of those who didn’t. I was a happy mother, I loved being pregnant, I loved being a mother but I felt a tinge of sadness when I saw photographs of me before, almost a grief or bereavement of the person I once was.

My youngest is now 9. I still haven’t regained my pre baby body, and you know what? I couldn’t care less! You see when I had surgery last year, they cut me from just under my chest bone down to my pelvis, they removed my large bowel and made a hole for a small piece of my small intestine to poke out of, then the sewed and stapled me back together. I came out of the surgery feeling horrified at the state of my body. It felt mutilated and ruined.

During the last six months of cathartic writing on my blog I have learnt not only to accept my body, but to rejoice in it. My body is AMAZING. It keeps going despite illness and surgery. It looks after me and it is SO bad ass…

It got me thinking about my post baby body and how I wish I had thought more of my body then. I grew three human beings. My body made a home for them; my blood pumped through them and nourished them. My womb filled with fluids to keep them safe. My vagina pushed them into this world. My breasts fed them. How dare I have hated my body??

As women, we give ourselves such a hard time; we rarely congratulate ourselves or make positive comments about our own appearance. Why is that? Are we so brain washed that we really believe that only size 0 women with rock hard abs and pert breasts are beautiful?

This is in no way against slim women, it is about celebrating and loving our bodies whatever our size or shape.

Last year I photographed Corinne with baby Arthur and was over the moon when she asked me to take a few images of her post natal body. She looked beautiful. I was able to look at her in a detached way, thinking from a photographer’s point of view. I saw her full breasts that became the perfect pillow for her baby’s head, the softness of her waist and gentle lines of the stretch marks were lit beautifully. The width of her hips made me think of the journey her newborn baby had taken from her womb.

At first she was a little self conscious, but after relaxing, she stopped thinking about her body and the look of pure love in her eyes as she watched Arthur was stunning.

We need to stop using such negative language about our bodies and start rejoicing. How many times have you said to yourself “I’m so fat” “My belly is disgusting” “My stretch marks are GROSS!”

That is not ok.

You wouldn’t hear someone say that to your best friend, so why is it ok to say it to yourself?

We are all different shapes and sizes, not one of us is perfect, we are all deliciously imperfect.

If you are a mum reading this who berates your body I want you to just remember the magic that your body performs. You made a human being. You are a goddess… you brought life into this world. That takes a lot of doing, so don’t be down on your poor tummy, that sag is because it made way for those awesome little beings you call children. Don’t be sad when your breasts sit a little lower, all that milk making can take its toll.

Be kind to your body, it’s the only one you get.

Back to work!

26th June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

At six weeks post surgery I made the decision that I wanted to start working again. Luckily I work from home, I run a photography company with my husband Timm called The Picture Foundry Timm has been carrying the weight of the business for the last couple of months and so I wanted to try to get back into the office.

It was great as there was no pressure from Timm, I knew I could do just as much as I felt comfortable with and could go back to bed whenever I needed to.

It feels good to be back in the office, laying in bed all day may sound heavenly but when it is not through choice it isn’t much fun. Its lonely and doesn’t help self esteem. I needed these six weeks as before now I just haven’t been able to think about anything other than pain, tiredness and poo. I have been on heavy painkillers that make my mind fuzzy and running to the toilet frequently.

But now things are starting to improve massively and so I want to be back in the chair. I want to be working and I want Timm to have a tiny bit of pressure taken off him.

It is so easy to get into a habit of not moving about and by the end of my first day in the office I was in quite a bit of pain just from being sat up rather than laid down. The muscles in my stomach, back and legs have already forgotten how to just be upright for most of the day!! I am sat on my frankly hilarious donut cushion which really helps in the butt department.

I know I am so lucky, I have worked for other people before and it hasn’t worked out due to my illness and toilet issues, I honestly couldn’t imagine having to go back to a full time external job right now, but as a self employed person I have the benefits of being at home and having the full support of my husband in our day to day work.

I am taking it easy and Im not taking on too much, I will be sensible and Timm wouldn’t let me do anything he thought would hinder my recovery. It feels good though. I feel like I have a worth and Im not just a patient…

Love Sam xx

On the mend and my first day out

26th June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

It’s been six weeks post pouch surgery and since I started on the loperamide last Monday, things have improved massively. Last week I was going to the toilet around 20 times a day and having 2-4 accidents a day which was heart breakingly depressing. Dr Brown said I needed to figure out how much or how little of the meds to take to slow down how often I need to empty my pouch, I started high at 4 tablets which was too much, I ended up with a lot of bloating and terrible stomach pains.

I have brought it down to 1-2 tablets and this seems to be working well for me, I am now going about 5 times a day and accidents are a lot rarer! I have found that most days I am ok in the mornings as my stomach is empty but it gets worse in the evenings and so I’m taking the loperamide at tea time.

It is embarrassing to talk about this, I cringe at the thought of people knowing how it has been but this blog is about honesty and I am going to document the bad times so I can appreciate it when the good times come. There is also a lot of bad press about j pouches, I have seen in many forums people saying they wouldn’t ever have pouch surgery as it’s too much like going back to illness with the recovery.

I still have some discomfort but I am down to just occasional pain relief rather than every 4-6 hours as I have been.

On Sunday I had my first day out. It was tough mentally, I had a little cry as I tried on forty outfits to find something I was comfortable. I’ve lost quite a bit if weight and everything just looked ODD. I’d developed a good wardrobe that worked well with my ileostomy bag but now I’ve lost my way a little. Wearing pyjamas for six weeks does that to a person!

We had a family day out at Cliffhanger, a family activity festival in Sheffield and then on to L’eroica in Bakewell, an Italian bicycle event with music, food, drinks and general loveliness.

It felt weird being out in public and I felt quite self conscious and a bit fearful. I was very glad to have Timm’s hand to hold, which is an odd feeling for someone like me who is usually confident and independent. But it was really lovely. A tiny bit of normality in a family day out and it lifted my spirits hugely.

Even having to use outdoor portaloos was ok. I felt the urge to go and panic washed over me a bit, but is told Timm and he just took my bags and said “go! We’ll find you!” So I set off on walking, fast enough that I wouldn’t shit myself yet nonchalant enough that I didn’t look like I was about to! It was all fine though and it felt like a little victory for me.

It was a big step for me to be out for the day. I felt quite emotional, it just felt so good to feel like a real family after weeks of me being a patient whilst Timm cared for me and the kids. It reminded me why I have gone through the last year, that I wanted to get to a point in my life where it wasn’t all just about illness.

I still have a long way to go,but this first day out felt like a really great first step on that ladder.

Love Sam xx

Turia Pitt on Womens Weekly Australia cover – Inspirational!

25th June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I saw this story this morning and was struck by the idea of having inspirational real women on magazine covers rather than air brushed celebrities. Australian Women’s Weekly have Turia Pitt, a burns survivor who was injured in bush fires on the cover and it makes for a striking and beautiful image.

Photo via Womens Weekly Aus

Editor in Chief Helen McCabe said

“For eighty years the Women’s Weekly has been celebrating inspirational Australian women, when Turia was photographed as part of our Women of the Future judging panel among a group of similarly impressive Australian women, it was clear from the moment she sat in front of the camera that the July cover had to belong to her.”

“Any attempt to describe the magic and beauty of Turia seems to get lost in platitudes or clichés. Yet I have never met a more remarkable person.”

Seeing images like this accompanying an inspirational and positive story just make my heart soar. This isn’t about feeling sorry for her, its not a poor me story. I LOVE her headline of “Im the luckiest woman in the world” – this woman is my hero! She isn’t complaining, there is no martyrdom.

Turia was caught in a bushfire whilst running a marathon in Western Australia, suffering burns to 64 per cent of her body. Doctors gave her a slim chance of recovery yet she defied that expectation and recovered amazingly.

She said “For me, it sends the message that confidence equals beauty. There are a lot of women out there who are so beautiful but don’t have the confidence, and that’s what gets you over the line.”

I believe that 100% – Confidence equals beauty

Well done Womens Weekly – this cover is just a start and hopefully other magazines will follow suit. Women aren’t stupid, we aren’t just drawn in by seeing yet another picture of a perfect celebrity. I for one would be much more likely to buy a magazine whose cover was showing true beauty and inspiration rather than a celeb who I have seen a million times before!

I would love to see a women with a stoma or scars being portrayed in magazines more, the more we see images of people who have physical scars the less taboo it becomes. For many women who have an ostomy bag or large scars thy can feel that these things take away their femininity and sexuality, thats the reason I decided to do my photoshoots with my ileostomy bag. I wanted to put out there some positive images that show my bag and scars as just a small part of me, that they do not make me less of a woman.

I think the media could be a great tool for promoting positive images of women who have faced illness, surgery or modifications and I hope that this Women’s Weekly cover is just the start of something brilliant.

For more information on Turia’s story, see the Women’s Weekly website

To the imperfect mothers…

23rd June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I was 19 when I had my first child and I felt the weight of the eyes of society watching me and waiting for me to fail, the pressure of being a teenage mother statistic sat in my chest like a bowling ball. I was throwing my life away, they said. I was foolish, immature and had no idea what I was getting into, these were the whispers that surrounded my trimesters. The sly glances from the ‘proper’ mums in Mothercare as my bulging stomach stretched out my Oasis tshirt and over the jeans I had borrowed from my boyfriend. Maybe some of it was in my head, perhaps I imagined the looks, the judgement, the eye rolling.

It made me want to be a perfect mum, I would make no mistakes, I would dedicate every waking hour to being the best mum in the world. No one would be able to judge me because I would give them no reason to, I’d change the perception of young mothers and Id show them all.

Only all that pressure, on top of the sleepless nights, the crying, the breastfeeding, the nappies, the sheer tiredness, it got too much. I was paying so much attention to being perfect that I was forgetting to enjoy it. The stress of appearing to have all my shit together meant I became a swan. Gliding serenely on the surface, but peddling like fuck under the water.

The doctor saw through it. After he dutifully gave me a prescription for the reason for my trip to the GP, he said gently, almost sadly “and how are you doing?” I burst into tears and said that I wasn’t a good enough mum, that maybe my baby would be better off with someone who knew what they were doing, that I loved him more than anything but what if that wasn’t enough?

He told me his wife had just had twins. He said she feels the same sometimes. He said HE felt the same sometimes. He told me that being a parent was so hard, but all you can do is get through every day, that what a baby needs is food, warmth and so much love. That it was ok to feel overwhelmed, it was matter of course. I wasn’t feeling this because I was a young mum. I was feeling it because I was a mum. Full Stop.

That conversation sparked a change, I became more honest and spoke to those around me about how I felt. I opened up to the mums at the baby groups and found the woman who terrified me the most, a doctor who had a little girl the same age as my son, who was so together and wore the right mum clothes, drove a nice car and had a husband and posh house was as terrified as me. She held my hand and burst into tears and said “But it’s all so HARD!”

Becoming a mum is scary. At any age, it is such a huge change that you can’t be prepared for it. You love your baby and though the physical aspects are tough, the feeding, lack of sleep, you don’t count on the emotional aspects being so hard. The sudden realisation that you are entirely responsible for this tiny person, the pressure of trying to conform to societies notions of the ideal mother. You are surrounded by other peoples opinions constantly. This rehashed argument of working mums versus stay at home mums… There should be no argument, we are all just trying to do our best.

It’s this whole new world and it is filled with ‘experts’ who seem to know it all. They all seem to have studied for this test and you are still flipping through the text book and needing a dictionary to just know what the words mean. Its a world of those who know and those who don’t, your new mum friends know it all, your old childless friends don’t care! You are stuck in the middle feeling overwhelmed.

I suppose the purpose of this post is that it is easy to lose your way in the quagmire of emotions and opinions, my assumption that I needed to be a perfect mother was so flawed, you see, no one is a perfect mother. We all just try and get through the tough days and relish in the good days. In my quest for perfection I forgot about enjoyment. I worried so much about following the ‘rules’ that I misplaced the notion of enjoying my baby.

That baby is 13 now. I tell you, those baby days pass so quickly, I look at my 5′ 9″ son now becoming a young man and smile as I remember his tiny soft hands and that new smell of his newborn head. When he winds his hair around his finger when he is tired I see how he has done that for all of his life. I rejoice that I didn’t waste too much time worrying what others thought and revel in the knowledge that we were happy.

My house was messy but we played. Dinner wasn’t organic but it was fun. He didn’t have matching socks but we didn’t care in the park. My attire was 90s indie tshirts and things from charity shops but there is no dress code in my garden.

I love to think of all the fun we had, that dirty faced little boy and I. I got tons of old wallpaper and we painted it with poster paint and our bodies. The hours spent with the wooden train track that he insisted I left for weeks and had to step over it to get in the kitchen. Bath time together where there were more toys than water in the tub. His giggles when he was on a swing. His made up words (agosha meant I love you). Building dens. Quiet bed times as he lay in my arms and we fell asleep together. Watching him learn new things. His imagination. Fun.

Forget perfect. Forget public perception. Think fun. Laughter. Excitement. Silliness. Wonder. Love. Love. And more love.

Mums, you are enough. You may not be perfect by the unobtainable standards of some, but you are perfect for your child.

Enjoy it because in the blink of an eye they grow up and that time is gone forever.

Love Sam xx

Hello? Sally Mitton…

21st June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Couldn’t help myself!!!!

Sam xx

5 ways to keep a relationship strong through chronic illness

19th June 2014/27 Comments/in Blog/by sam

All relationships have ups and downs, it can be hard work to keep a strong relationship when times are tough. I thought I would write about how chronic illness can affect a relationship and ways to get through the shitty times to stay strong together.

I met my husband Timm 15 years ago in a nightclub in Sheffield called The Leadmill , (Im sure EVERYONE in Sheffield met one partner or another there…) we married 10 years ago shortly after I had been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis so it is a disease we have learnt about together through the years. Last year I had a subtotal colectomy and lived with an ileostomy for nine months, then just weeks ago I had pouch surgery to reverse my ileostomy and create a new bowel pouch.

During my ten years of illness I have faced extreme fatigue, bleeding, aching joints, diarrhoea 30 times a day, incontinence, so many different types of medicines and treatments, endless doctor and hospital visits and stays, two surgeries, a compromised immune system that means I pick up every bug going and more days than I can recall that I just couldn’t get out of bed. During this article I am talking about Ulcerative Colitis but the same goes for anyone living with chronic illness.

1. Be honest with one another

Being chronically ill sucks, it makes you feel alone, and filled with anger, sadness, guilt and hurt. It is so important to be able to share how you are feeling with your partner and for them to share with you. It is hard to share those feelings with someone, and even harder to hear them from someone you love, but you need to make time to share honestly and openly.

Without honesty it is easy to start to assume how the other person is feeling. Right now I am recovering from surgery and I am so exhausted that I spend a lot of time in bed. I lay here thinking “I bet Timm is feeling pissed off that Im just laid here. I wonder if he is angry with me? Maybe he thinks I am lazy.” These thoughts tumble round my head and can make me feel shit. I don’t allow them to though and I spoke to him, explaining my worries. His answer was that he is a little quiet at the moment because he feels under pressure to be working, looking after the children and caring for me and he was worried he was failing at it all.

Open, honest communication really is the key to any strong relationship. It may not be easy, but it is vital.

2. Grieve together.

After my surgery I felt a deep, heavy loss. I mourned the loss of the body I had, the life I had. My husband mourned the loss of the wife he knew before illness. We had to face this together so that we could support one another and learn to accept the new body and new life we had.

To move forward together you need to face your joint fears, get through the sadness and feelings of loss together so you can learn a new way to cope. Your life after diagnosis may be completely different to your life before but it doesn’t mean it has to be worse.

3. Step into each others shoes.

Life may suck hard for you if you are chronically ill and facing a life that you never planned for, but you need to take a step back and think of things from your partners point of view. Think about how difficult it is to see the person you love in pain, how it feels to have to take on the lions share of work or household responsibilities, how it could feel lonely or frightening, how you may feel you have to be the strong one all the time.

On the other side partners of those who are ill need to try and look through the eyes of someone who is chronically ill. Imagine having constant pain and stress, of having continence issues and the whole host of shame and guilt that comes with that, think how it feels to be ill but feel guilty for it, to feel helpless and useless, frightened of both the illness and the affect it has on the people around you.

If you can both do this, then it is an amazing starting point for discussions about love, support and care.

4. Stay intimate

Chronic illness means different levels of illness at different times, it is easy to push away your partner, especially when the issue is IBD as having problems with diarrhoea and bleeding don’t really put you in the mood for sex! But its really important to make sure your relationship with your partner retains some level of intimacy. A relationship without intimacy is a friendship, which may be fine for some couples but if that isn’t what you want then you need to address the issue. Its not just about sex, it is about being close, hugging, kissing and showing each other love and care.

Talk openly about what you want and when. Sometimes I feel that my illness takes away my sexuality, when Im very ill I just don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel desirable or have any interest in sex. But thats ok when I tell my partner that, when I explain why Im feeling the way I do it is easy for him to understand and respect. Without talking it is easy for him to feel pushed away and uncared for.

Equally you need to accept that your partner may have fears or issues with being close to you, they may worry about hurting you or making you feel uncomfortable.

The answer is always to talk, talk, talk.

5. Enjoy the things you have

Ok, things are different, this may not be the life you planned but it is the hand you were dealt so learn how you can make the most of it. If you are with the person you love then you are lucky, make it work for the two of you! When you are ill then plans of nights out and country walks may be out of the question, but you can replace them with movie nights in or hanging out in the garden.

Show each other that you love one another, there needs to be no grand gestures, this isn’t about diamond rings, it is about saying ‘I love you’, ‘I appreciate you’ ‘You make my life better just by being in it’

My husband and I have faced the toughest year of our lives, two surgeries, multiple hospital stays, meds, recovery and a lot of tears. It could have torn us apart, we have been under so much pressure, emotional, financial and physical but it actually has brought us closer together. We have never been closer in the whole 15 years of our relationship and that has come through us both taking on board these five rules, talking, loving and appreciating one another.

Love Sam xxx

Lessons for my daughter

As I sit here on a bidet crying…

I <3 MY STOMA

Loving your baby body

Back to work!

On the mend and my first day out

Turia Pitt on Womens Weekly Australia cover – Inspirational!

To the imperfect mothers…

Hello? Sally Mitton…

5 ways to keep a relationship strong through chronic illness

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