family Archives - Page 3 of 4

A love letter to myself

10th November 2014/4 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Dear Sam,

This is a little awkward but here we go, this is a love letter to you because you need to hear this. Society tells us that it is immodest to love yourself and the marketing people of the world don’t want you to love yourself but after a really shitty year, let’s just go for it.

You have been through so much and I am really proud of you, you battled so hard and I am amazed that you have come through this experience a stronger person. Though at times you are frightened, angry and distressed, you have taken it all on board and made something amazing from a terrible situation.

I know you feel you have to always have a smile on your face, that you created this public face of positivity that sometimes makes it difficult to admit when you are struggling. But you have had to learn let yourself be sad, let yourself cry, let yourself be angry.

I love that you love your friends, that you care about them and try to be there, your kindness has been repaid 100 times over during your recovery and you are lucky to have such wonderful mates around you. I love that you want everyone to be happy but you know that sometimes you need to take some time for yourself.

You have learnt that you need to look after yourself, that your body is the only place you have to live, that means accepting it’s weaknesses and recognising when you need to stop and rest. You realise how important you are, and that you can’t help others if you are broken yourself.

I love that you have learnt to love your body, that you have accepted your new shape, your scars and your modified self with pride and joy. It hasn’t been an easy path but your new found happiness has not only benefitted yourself but has become a role model for others.

I love that after a long time of feeling that your career path was lost in the woods, that you have cleared the trees and discovered these strengths that you didn’t know you had. Your childhood dream of being a writer that you thought was a silly fantasy is coming true through your own hard work and you are carving your own career and making your own opportunities.

I love that you are silly. That you are ok with playing the fool and know that your laughter is far sexier than any pout. I love that you did a ropy poly across a dance floor just to see the look on all the “beautiful people’s” faces. I love that as you grow older and relax more, your humour grows without shame.

I love that you are learning that you can’t fix everyone and that sometimes, no matter how hard it feels, you need to cut people from your day to day life who don’t bring you anything positive. I love that you are learning that you shouldn’t be a doormat and that ‘no’ is a full sentence.

I love your interests in penguins, dinosaurs, collecting found shopping lists, learning about obscure, random things, knitting, reading and whatever else takes your fancy. I love that you like these things despite others mocking you for them. You know your interests should make you happy, not anyone else.

I love that you adore your children. That you accept that being a mother means constant adapting and learning, you know you aren’t a perfect mum but you try your best and know that is enough. I love that your children haven’t been scarred by your illness but it has taught them to be more empathetic, caring and open.

I love that you have found a man who makes every part of your life better. Though you have had really tough times over the last 16 years, the past year that would have broke some people has just brought you so much closer together. You are a lucky woman to have a person in your life who sees through everything and loves your soul.

I love that you are learning that the hard shell you put up for years didn’t just keep out the hurtful words but it kept out some good people and so you have learnt to drop the shield. Your path hasn’t always been easy and I know you have anger and hurt when you think of your youth but I love that you are learning to deal with that. You have been rough on yourself but you are learning to be kinder. I know you didn’t always feel like you had people to guide you towards making healthy decisions, but that has made you the person you are and I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made along the way.

Your decision to take the last difficult year of illness and recovery and make something positive of it is a real achievement. This love letter is just one way that you are hoping to teach others to love themselves and I hope you continue and make a difference to the lives of other people. I love that you blog your journey without shame or embarrassment in the hope that it will help others.

So here we come to the end of this awkward letter of self love, all I can finish with are the words of the great Dory.

Just keep swimming…

Love Sam xx

About to get your A-level results? Oh the places you'll go!

13th August 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Oh lovely teenagers, you are on the cusp of finding out your A-level results and I’m sure you are babbing yourselves. Feeling that you could have worked harder, revised a little more, gone out a little less?

Tomorrow you will be officially finishing school for good. The end of 13 years of education, some of you are off to university or going out into the world of work. You are entering the scary world of grown ups. Let me tell you a little secret though, all those whirling, terrifying feelings that you aren’t ready to be a grown up? We all feel like that sometimes!

Please remember that these results aren’t the be all and end all, they may shape the path you take over the next few years but baby, there are many paths. Some of you may be lucky enough to have a set vision, your path is a straight road with the career and life you’ve always hoped for shining at the end like a beacon.

Most of you will have winding paths, sometimes they come to a dead end and you’ll have to back track and find another road. Some of you will hop from path to path, trying lots of lanes before finding your own. And some of you will look at all the paths and think “fuck, none of these are right for me at all!” Panic not, because you all have the ability to create you own path in life.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your dreams are silly, or that you can’t do it. Work hard, be passionate and get out there looking for opportunities. You want to run away with the circus?! Do it! Do it now! You want to be a doctor but no one in your family has ever even seen the inside of university? If you have the intelligence and the grades, you can find a way to fight for it.

Without going all cliche on you, you only live once. We are here for such a brief time and at your age, with the world at your feet, now is the time to follow your heart, strive to be the thing that you dream to be, have fun, make adventures and get out there and live.

Worry not that you can only have one path, as long as you are passionate about your own life, you will succeed and be happy. I had my first child at 19, it meant I couldn’t go to university or travel the world. I stayed home, got married and raised three wonderful children. And now they are older, I am getting my chance to change my life. I’m doing a writing course, I run a business with my husband and I’m just starting a new business with my friend Violet Fenn (all very secret right now though!!)

Someone else who has had a varied path in life is my friend Curtis Woodhouse. A lad from a small coastal town who dreamed big and made it as a professional football player. When he surprised the world and retired, he decided he wanted to be a professional boxer. He was mocked and laughed at, but you know what? He worked his arse off and this year became the Light Welterweight British Champion! Screw you careers advisor!!!!

So good luck to you, I hope you get the grades you are hoping for. But whatever your results, well done! Good work on getting through your childhood and welcome to being an adult!

It’s scary, it sucks sometimes but with passion, good friends, hard work and a sense of humour you will go far.

I’ll end with my favourite story of Dr Seuss, Oh the places you’ll go! It’s a long one, but well worth the read.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’ t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Love Sam xx

Talking to children about their weight

5th August 2014/8 Comments/in Blog/by sam

We all want the very best for our kids, we want them to be happy and healthy. But what about if you have a child who gains weight easily? How do you best broach the subject without making their weight an issue?

One of my three kids gains weight easily, all three eat the same things and live similar lives yet two of them are beanpoles who don’t have an ounce of body fat and one is bigger and puts on weight quickly and easily. I’ve googled and asked around and can’t find an answer to how to deal with this.

I don’t want weight to become something they think about but equally I don’t want them to be overweight and have to deal with all the issues that surround being overweight, both health wise and socially. As part of my blog I am all about loving your body whatever size you are, but I do feel it’s my job as a mum to make sure that while their eating and exercise habits are under my control that they are as healthy as possible.

But the line is a difficult one to tread. I want my children to love themselves, to be happy, healthy and live good lives. And as hypocritical as this may seem coming from an overweight woman, I don’t want them to have weight issues. So how do you talk about weight without making it an emotional and mental issue?

We have tried talking in general terms about health. About eating healthy, colourful and tasty foods and limiting sweeties. We have talked about how we need energy to move around and be fit and that if we take on more energy than we burn that it is turned to fat stores. But this hasn’t sunk in to a child who will eat half a packet of biscuits when I’m not looking. Or the child who only wants to sit and watch tv and play on a DS. A child who is classed as overweight.

Tonight it came to a head after my child ate a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to himself. I had said they could have a little bit each which two of them did, the third ate the rest and when I saw the tub had all gone, I admit I was annoyed and the awful words came out of my mouth “this is why you’re getting fat”

The child’s face crumpled and I felt like shit. I sat and cuddled and told them I loved them more than anything. That they were beautiful and awesome and I thought they were fantastic. I said that I was sorry if I’d made them feel bad and that my intention was only to make sure they grew up healthy. I feel terrible. I feel like I have scarred my child and given him a weight issue.

Am I a total hypocrite to write about loving the body you are in whilst not wanting my kids to be overweight?!

The reality is that being overweight isn’t healthy, it causes health and social problems and I would rather my children not have to deal with those things through their lives. If there is a way to ensure they are the fittest they can be then that is what I want. But am I causing problems by bringing it up?

We talked tonight about how everyone needs to eat yummy healthy food and that exercise is about doing the fun things you enjoy and getting moving. We talked about starting swimming again weekly, something we stopped with my surgery and we made a plan that we would walk the dog together every day and it would be ‘our thing’.

You see some children who are very overweight and I wonder whether parents need to be a little harder on diet and exercise. Is it mean to discuss the child’s weight and risk them feeling sad, or is it worse to say nothing and allow them to gain weight?

After my almighty gaff, my child and I had a chat and lots of hugs. I used lots of positive words and we talked about all the fabulous qualities. Then tonight my kid came in and said “mum I’ve made a plan!” I was shown a list of all the fun things that could be done instead of sitting on a DS ( which we agreed should be limited to one hour a day) including den building, walking the dog, playing with lego, swimming and writing stories. There was also a discussion on what healthy meals we could all eat together. I’m hoping that our chat has made a positive impact and that my awful comment can be forgotten.

So dear readers, have I screwed up my amazingly awesome son by using the f word?

Do you agree that we are responsible for our children’s weight? Or should we allow our kids to settle at their own desired weight?

Is discussing weight going to cause problems with self esteem and confidence?

Please comment and let me know what you think because I am at a total loss and feel like the worst mum ever. I’m so confused as to the best way to deal with this situation and would appreciate any advice or comments.

I’m aware this is an emotional and contentious issue and hope I haven’t offended anyone as that was never my goal. Equally please be kind and know that though I have messed up tonight, I’m just a mum trying to do her best.

Love Sam x

The wedding dress saga

2nd August 2014/26 Comments/in Blog/by sam

In September this year, my husband Timm and I are renewing our wedding vows after being married for ten years and together for sixteen years! We married in May 2004 in Las Vegas, we had originally planned a big white wedding at home, but the stress of everyone else trying to dictate our day just got too much and so we eloped and were married by the king…

It was such a fantastic day, we married at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel, I wore a red and white floral dress and in the evening we ate at the Stratosphere in their revolving restaurant . It was pretty much perfect.

We decided to renew our vows a couple of years ago. Partly because we have just changed so much in ten years, partly because we wanted to share it all with our friends and family and partly because we wanted a big party! Then after the past year of illness, surgery and recovery, our wedding renewal has become such a big thing, it’s the thing that’s kept me going through bad times and given me something to look forward to.

The first thing I thought about was my wedding dress. As I didn’t wear one the first time round I was adamant that this time I wanted a ‘proper’ gown. When I looked at dresses I realised that the ones I liked were around £1,000 and I knew I couldn’t spend that much money. After not working for our business for long periods of time whilst recovering I just can’t warrant spending that much money on a dress I’ll wear once. We have three kids and a business to run, it just doesn’t seem right.

Then I saw dresses from China on eBay at a massive reduction. The dress I fell in love with was just £90. Now I always think if something seems too good to be true then it probably is. But asking around a lot of people said they knew people who’d had dresses from China and they were fantastic. So I risked it and sent my measurements along with £90 through PayPal to an eBay seller.

I received an email saying they’d got my measurements and payment and the my dress would be with me by 26th July. Shortly after, I got an email from eBay saying the item had been removed but if I had paid then I would still receive the dress. I was panicked but they assured me I would still get it.

I then saw that the seller had been removed!!! Again eBay said that the item should still come and nothing could be done till after the date of delivery had passed. So I crossed my fingers and toes and waited…

My dress hasn’t come.

I’m now five weeks away from the wedding and have no dress. I cried a lot yesterday, that may seem daft as I know it’s only a dress but I’d set my hopes on it and had these dreams of walking down the aisle in it. The last year has been so hard, two major surgeries and a body full of scars mean that though I fight hard to remain positive, sometimes my body makes me sad. It looks so war beaten, so battered and forlorn.

I thought in wearing this dress, that for the first time in a long time I would feel really beautiful. I thought people will look at me and see a bride, not a patient. They won’t think about scars and ileostomy bags, no one will be thinking ‘there goes the lady who talks about poop’. I know this is silly. A dress is a dress. But I had pinned all these hopes and dreams onto this dress and now it’s not here.

I wanted something special for Timm. He has been my carer for so long and in the last year he has seen me at rock bottom, he’s watched me as a broken woman, full of scars and wounds. He’s had to wash me and carry me, he has cleaned me when I’ve had accidents and literally supported me on the toilet when I was too weak. I wanted him to see me and for none of that to be in his mind. Does this sound silly? I wanted him to be blown away when he saw me, for me to look nothing like the sad crying woman he had to push in a wheelchair. I wanted to look like a bride.

I now don’t have enough time to get a dress from a bridal shop even if I had the money. I’m limited by budget and time to high street off the peg dresses or second hand. I’m sure I’ll find something but I can’t help but feel really sad. My friends have rallied and today we are off shopping to see what I can find.

I need to remember that this wedding is about how much Timm and I love each other. A dress won’t change that and after all we have been through, this is but a tiny blip. Our wedding will be a fantastic day because we will be there together.

I’ll remember that and repeat it to myself all day.

Love Sam x

*UPDATE*

I opened a resolution case with eBay, after 8 days the seller hadn’t responded so I escalated the case.

I just received an email from eBay saying they have closed the case and I won’t be getting a refund.

WTF? I’m gutted.

This is the confirmation I got from the seller…

Then I got this from eBay…

This is the one I got today, no explanation!!!

If anyone can help or advise I’d be very grateful 😥

The Steel Giant and does a bad ass shit in the woods?

30th July 2014/2 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Today has been a big day for me in getting back to life, exercise and being outdoors. Since my j pouch operation I have had a few days out but today was the first real time I was out and about with no easy and quick toilet access and I was scared!

Physically I’m doing loads better but mentally I still struggle from time to time. I worry about having accidents, about not being able to live the life I want because of fear, I worry that I’m abnormal. But today had lifted my spirits and boosted my confidence!

I went for bike rides around Rother Valley Park today with my friend Caroline, Timm and all the kids. I only learnt how to ride a bike a few years ago so it was a bit nerve wracking but we had a fab time!!

Then Timm, the kids and I went on a bit of an adventure, it was supposed to be a planned walk to see the Steel Giant but we were running late and missed the group. So we googled and found a ramblers walk and decided to go it alone.

Starting at Darnall train station I have to admit the start of the walk was not quite what I was expecting but as is the wonderful thing about Sheffield, within minutes we were in woodland.

We then found The Steel Giant, a sculpture hidden away in the woods by the Sheffield Parkway.

We had a great time exploring parts of the city we’d never seen before. Then the thing I was most frightened of happened. I was desperate for the loo… I couldn’t hold it and we were no where near any toilets. The question ‘does a bad ass shit in the woods?’ has been answered today…

You know what though? I had been stressing thinking this is the worst thing that could happen. That I’d be mortified and it would be the end of the world. Turns out it’s quite funny and now I’m telling you about it… I’m almost glad it happened as now I don’t feel stressed about it happening again. It happened, it wasn’t ideal, but I dealt with it and the world is still turning.

I share these embarrassing things because unfortunately they are things us IBD folk have to face. But when shit happens (literally) you can either let it ruin your day or thank your lucky stars you have nappy sacks and baby wipes in your bag and laugh it off! I pick the latter…

I mean, look how pleased I am…

So my lovely, beautiful, wonderful readers. Remember that when shit happens as long as you are a little prepared and can find your sense if humour, everything will be ok.

Much Love

Sam xxx

Do we all need an IBDFF?

28th July 2014/4 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I ‘speak’ to lots and lots of people online about colitis, crohns, ileostomies, j pouches and alllllll that comes with IBD. I think it’s really important to have the opportunity to talk to other people who have similar experiences to you. There’s nothing worse than feeling totally alone and that no one understands what you are going through.

I’m so lucky, my husband Timm is so understanding, he takes time to listen, he supports me 100%, he loves me unconditionally and makes me feel that my illness has no negative impact on our relationship. I couldn’t ask for a better partner… But he just cannot understand what it’s like exactly.

Last year a friend told me about one of her friends who had IBD and surgeries and said if I wanted to she would hook us up. It was a bit of a hectic time and though I was interested, it just didn’t come off. I emailed him but think I got the address wrong and the moment passed with me focussing on recovering from surgery.

Then this year through the mighty power of twitter we finally managed to start chatting. And I realised that having a personal friend who “knows” makes a massive difference. We’ve not met in person, but chat privately online quite a bit. He knows what it’s like because he’s been there. We can laugh and make totally inappropriate jokes about arses without the fear of making someone feel uncomfortable. I think he may be my IBDFF…

In the interests of privacy, we decided on aliases, and so he is the CrapBag to my Princess Consuella Banana Hammock… It works on many levels as he has an ileostomy bag and I have a pouch, plus we are Friends geeks and it made me laugh.

I think talking and support is key to getting through living with chronic illness, honesty with your nearest and dearest is a biggie. I’m so bloody lucky to have Timm, I can’t even describe how much easier he makes my life, he fills it with love and joy and makes me so happy (blerkkk… soppy alert) and he’s the one person who makes everything ok.

So I think it’s good for me to have another person to talk to, to share the load and not always be putting my thoughts onto Timm’s shoulders. I’d like to think I help CrapBag out too.

I think it helps that we have a similar sense of humour, things in common apart from the bad asses and a mutual friend so it doesn’t feel too weird.

What do you think? Do you have an IBDFF? Who is your support system?

Would some sort of buddy system help you get through the rubbish times and give you someone to share the good times with?

Let me know about your #IBDFF

Sam x

Tramlines – what a difference a year makes

28th July 2014/6 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Tramlines is a city centre festival in the great city of Sheffield, it’s an amazing thing and my lovely husband Timm is one of the festival directors and the production director so each year I’m lucky enough to get a little pass that allows me to hang out backstage and have a generally fantastic time.

But it also serves for me as a fixed point in time that makes me realise how far I have come in a year. You see, at last years festival I was ill. I was 5 months into the worst flare up of my life but I was trying my hardest to hide it.

This photo was last year, I felt like death warmed up…

I was on a lot of meds and in my heart, I knew this time felt different. I was bleeding constantly, I had to wear pads in my pants as there was just so much blood. My stomach was agony and I was running to the toilet every few minutes. I didn’t feel up to going to be honest, but felt it was important to try and be normal and to show Timm my support.

I remember standing near the loos after yet another mad dash, doing as fast a walk as I could get away with, without looking insane to the toilets. I was with Timm’s sister Nancy and friend Michelle and I was telling the that things weren’t good. I’m close to Nancy and she knows everything about my illness and is a massive supporter of me and this blog.

I was telling her about the possibilities of future surgery, I remember quite naively saying that after the second op they just join everything back up and I’d live a normal life pooing just a little every time I had a wee! It all sounded so simple on paper and easy to describe, I don’t think I’d put my emotions into it and thought about the emotional and mental changes that would occur.

The whole conversation was very much hypothetical, I knew about the surgeries but had no idea that within 5 weeks of the day I would be on the operating table having my large intestine out.

So Bad Ass didn’t exist at this point, I was still quite embarrassed a lot of the time about my disease. Family and close friends knew but I kept it quite under wraps. I spent the weekend throat tightingly close to tears as I just felt so poorly and under so much pressure (from myself) to keep it together.

So roll it forward one year and I just can’t believe all that has happened in the last 12 months! This years Tramlines has been amazing. I stood in pretty much the same spot with Nancy and Michelle thinking how good it felt to be on only one medication (loperamide) that has NO side effects that cause me to get a big swollen mood face, manic episodes or total insomnia!!

A year into writing So Bad Ass, pretty much everyone knows what I have been through and so I felt no pressure to hide anything. I got so many amazing people coming up to me to tell me they read my blog and love it. It was quite emotional to know that I have made a teeny tiny difference to peoples lives.

Friends, Timm’s work colleagues, total flipping strangers(!!!) were coming up to me all weekend to tell me what So Bad Ass means to them and I just can’t tell you how much that means to me. To know that my little blog is being read, shared and is helping others makes me feel humbled and just blown away. Thank you.

One year on, I have learnt about my own strength, I’ve found a confidence I didn’t believe I possessed and though my health isn’t perfect and I’m still on a road to recovery from my j pouch surgery, I feel good!!

I watched lots of amazing bands, hung out with too many awesome people to name, laughed with fantastic friends till my stomach hurt, spent the weekend with my three kids hanging out with me, watched Everly Pregnant Brothers, the best northern, ukulele, pun based band you will ever hear, on Kelham island whilst the sun set.

I jumped about and went mental whilst watching Public Enemy then met Chuck D and Flavor Flav (yeahhhhhh boiiiiiiii)

I watched a woman hang by her feet and juggle swords upside down.

I drank my body weight in gin and peach iced tea.

I saw so many friends and got to hang out with them (even if it were only briefly with some)

I felt confident and well.

I felt no shame.

I felt happy.

Thank you Tramlines for the best year so far, I had a blast!!! Who knows where my life will be in another years time?!

Here are some of my favourite photos of the weekend…

On the mend and my first day out

26th June 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

It’s been six weeks post pouch surgery and since I started on the loperamide last Monday, things have improved massively. Last week I was going to the toilet around 20 times a day and having 2-4 accidents a day which was heart breakingly depressing. Dr Brown said I needed to figure out how much or how little of the meds to take to slow down how often I need to empty my pouch, I started high at 4 tablets which was too much, I ended up with a lot of bloating and terrible stomach pains.

I have brought it down to 1-2 tablets and this seems to be working well for me, I am now going about 5 times a day and accidents are a lot rarer! I have found that most days I am ok in the mornings as my stomach is empty but it gets worse in the evenings and so I’m taking the loperamide at tea time.

It is embarrassing to talk about this, I cringe at the thought of people knowing how it has been but this blog is about honesty and I am going to document the bad times so I can appreciate it when the good times come. There is also a lot of bad press about j pouches, I have seen in many forums people saying they wouldn’t ever have pouch surgery as it’s too much like going back to illness with the recovery.

I still have some discomfort but I am down to just occasional pain relief rather than every 4-6 hours as I have been.

On Sunday I had my first day out. It was tough mentally, I had a little cry as I tried on forty outfits to find something I was comfortable. I’ve lost quite a bit if weight and everything just looked ODD. I’d developed a good wardrobe that worked well with my ileostomy bag but now I’ve lost my way a little. Wearing pyjamas for six weeks does that to a person!

We had a family day out at Cliffhanger, a family activity festival in Sheffield and then on to L’eroica in Bakewell, an Italian bicycle event with music, food, drinks and general loveliness.

It felt weird being out in public and I felt quite self conscious and a bit fearful. I was very glad to have Timm’s hand to hold, which is an odd feeling for someone like me who is usually confident and independent. But it was really lovely. A tiny bit of normality in a family day out and it lifted my spirits hugely.

Even having to use outdoor portaloos was ok. I felt the urge to go and panic washed over me a bit, but is told Timm and he just took my bags and said “go! We’ll find you!” So I set off on walking, fast enough that I wouldn’t shit myself yet nonchalant enough that I didn’t look like I was about to! It was all fine though and it felt like a little victory for me.

It was a big step for me to be out for the day. I felt quite emotional, it just felt so good to feel like a real family after weeks of me being a patient whilst Timm cared for me and the kids. It reminded me why I have gone through the last year, that I wanted to get to a point in my life where it wasn’t all just about illness.

I still have a long way to go,but this first day out felt like a really great first step on that ladder.

Love Sam xx

Say 'I love you' every day

13th May 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

Im an emotional person and Im vocal with my love for the people around me, every night I say to the kids ‘Night night, I love you‘, it is just automatic and part of our routine. But do we tell the people around us that we love, appreciate and care about them enough? Is it enough to just think ‘they KNOW I care about them’?

Recently I went and stayed with my aunty and uncle in Spain, it was a last minute trip and it was wonderful to get away from the stresses of life here, to sit in the sun and have a week with wonderful family and friends and just not think about surgery, illness or hospitals. I was welcomed so warmly and they really looked after me, I am so grateful.

One thing struck me whilst I was there, my aunty told me every day, multiple times that she loved me. She showered me in compliments and was so openly loving and caring. She held my hands as we talked, hugged me, called me pet names and told me how much she cared about me. I watched her do the same to her two adult sons, telling them how much she loved and adored them. They rolled their eyes but you could see a small smile on their faces. Because hearing that you are loved makes you feel amazing.

I had never thought about it before, I tell Timm and the kids I love them, but I don’t compliment them or gush with love as much as I could. It is damn near impossible to be in a bad mood or feel sorry for yourself when you are being told how brilliant you are. It is probably an ego thing, but it really went much deeper than that.

I felt warm and happy, my soul felt nurtured and my heart full. It made me want to share that love and happiness, it made me feel open and accepting, contented and peaceful.

Since I have been home I make a point of complimenting the people around me and telling them I love them, especially the kids. At first it felt slightly uncomfortable, they eyed me suspiciously when out of nowhere I told them how proud I was of them, that they were so talented, kind, beautiful and awesome, that I loved them so, so much. This made me sad and made me want to tell them these things more often. It isn’t enough to say ‘they know I love them’ and I certainly don’t want them growing up thinking “My mum rarely told me she loved me” I want them to be rolling their eyes and saying “Enough mum!!!” whilst secretly loving the fact they grew up KNOWING that I adore them.

It goes further though, I make sure I tell the people around me that I love them, even if it is in a card, or a telephone sign off. When I believe my friends are courageous and wonderful I tell them, yes I sometimes worry Ill sound corny but Id rather feel like a cheese ball and them know I adore them than silently think it and them not know.

Think about it now, when was the last time you complimented your partner? A real heartfelt, honest, love filled phrase. I saw my sister in law say on Facebook that she didn’t care if it were corny, but that she adored her husband and he was the best man in the world. He replied with an equally loving statement and it was lovely. They are two people who are so open with their adoration for each other that you can’t help but feel a bit smiley and coy when you are around them. Its really beautiful!

Since being more open with my compliments and saying ‘I love you’ every day I can honestly say that I feel better, Im happier and I find that the more love you put out there, the more you get back.

My kids have stopped assuming that I am going to ask them to mow the lawn and have started telling me that they love me back. Even the 13 year old lad and that is saying something! We hug more, we laugh more and we love more. All from those three little words…

Sam xxx

Surgery postponed

15th April 2014/0 Comments/in Blog/by sam

I got a call today from my consultants secretary saying that the preliminary date of the 30th April is being postponed.

Mr Brown wants to see me to discuss some matters before the surgery and so everything is on hold right now and I’m not sure why.

I asked if it were anything to do with my pre op but she said that all came back fine. I’m waiting for her to call again to let me know an appointment date to see the consultant and hopefully a little more about what the problem is.

Today sucks ass.

I’m feeling totally broken and beaten down by it all. My hernia is uncomfortable every day, I’m exhausted and feeling crap. I just really want the operation over and done with so I can start recovering.

When I feel like shit, there is one person who makes it all better, Timm, my husband. And so this afternoon we snuck out for an hour to walk the dog and talked through how we’re feeling. We acted like teenagers and even had a couple of ciders in a field!

Tag Archive for: family

A love letter to myself

About to get your A-level results? Oh the places you'll go!

Talking to children about their weight

The wedding dress saga

The Steel Giant and does a bad ass shit in the woods?

Do we all need an IBDFF?

Tramlines – what a difference a year makes

On the mend and my first day out

Say 'I love you' every day

Surgery postponed

Interesting links

Pages

Categories

Archive

Tag Archive for: family

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Interesting links

Pages

Categories

Archive