When you feel life is dragging you backwards…
When you feel life is dragging you backwards with difficulties, this quote really hit home today.
I came across this today and it made me remember to just stay positive.
Sam xxx
Things to do when you're feeling sad
As you may know I have had an anxious week of worry, my usual optimism and positivity failed me massively and I just felt sad. Really sad. Lay flat on you face, eat your body weight in Ben and Jerrys sad.
And so I thought Id do a post on the top ten things to do when you feel sad.
1. Comfort eat.
Contraversial Im sure, but sometimes there is nothing for it but to eat ice-cream or cake. For me, though I do love a dollop of Ben and Jerrys, I like to cook something lovely for myself. The act of preparing and cooking takes my mind off the stresses and strains that Im facing and I love to sit and eat something amazing. Whether it is a gorgeous salad with avocado and marinaded juicy chicken or a perfectly cooked rare steak.
Comfort eating doesn’t have to be junk food, but from time to time you really need to fill your soul.
2. Hide in your cave
My cave is deep under my duvet, curtains closed, fluffy feather pillows, occasionally an eye mask with my iPod and headphones on. Sometimes I need to go there and lick my wounds and have a good old cry all alone.
I recently discovered a new cave in the hammock I set up in my garden! I take a pillow and blanket and I set it up so as I lay there I can only see sky and tree. It is the perfect outdoor cave!
Cave clothes tend to be jamas or joggers and old tshirts for me…
3. Watch some terrible TV
Netflix is my friend. Seriously I love my netflix more than is natural. When Im feeling particularly sad I like to hunch down in the aforementioned cave and watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race, or romantic comedies (my guilty pleasure is The Proposal with Sandra Bullock) or documentaries or hours and hours of TV dramas.
Sometimes life sucks ass so hard that you need to disappear into a world of TV.
4. Get pampered
We can’t all afford to run off to a gorgeous spa for the weekend, but we can give ourselves a manicure and pluck our eyebrows. A face mask can cost a quid from the supermarket and if all else fails, a good old soak in the bath with a fuck ton of bubbles.
Doing things to make yourself feel good can only help. If you can get someone else to give you a foot rub or paint your nails then all the better!
5. Listen to the music of your youth.
If my husband hears me wailing and warbling along to Alanis Morrisette he knows to stay away… Feeling shit reminds me of being an angsty teenager and so sticking on some 90s indie takes me right back.
Put on some music that reminds you of good times or terrible times and sing/weep/laugh your way through your malaise.
6. Get talking
In all seriousness, if you are feeling shit then the old adage of a problem shared is a problem halved is generally true. Speak to someone you love and trust and let it all out. We all have crap times in our life and we need to speak to those around us, asking for help and advise is not a sign of weakness.
7. Do something fun
Whether it is a girls night out or a night in on the sofa, an evening bowling or a night at the cinema. Do something fun, something that you enjoy. It may be an effort to get the oomph to get going but it will be worth your while in the end.
8. Think of all the good things in your life
It is so easy to get bogged down with the bad things, the things that are going wrong right now. Its easy to say ‘nothing ever goes right for me’ or ‘this isn’t fair’. I certainly have been saying these things this week.
But the reality is that thinking of all the shite will never make you feel any better, make a list of the good things in your life no matter how small. I know this sounds cliche and cheesy but writing it down makes you have to think about it.
9. Have a big cry
A big, snotty, wailing wall, woe is me sob fest. Seriously, get it all out!!! Get the tissues flowing, snot down your arm, arms thrown to the skies. Shout LOUD, kick your feet, lay flat on your face. Scream, swear like a sailor, call the cat a c**t.
There. Feel better?
Our lives are so controlled, we keep our emotions in check and have that British stiff upper lip, but sometimes you need to just let all that emotion run free.
10. Tell yourself that everything will get better
No matter how shit things are right now, things will get better. We have a saying in Sheffield “It’ll be reight” And you know? It will. Life is all about the peaks and troughs and so you have to take the good times with the bad.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, but our only choice is to believe everything is shit and always will be or to try and find that silver lining and think that things will get better.
Love Sam xx
Are you ever embarrassed to talk about your illness?
This is the question my daughter just asked me. My answer was yes. Sometimes.
But I talk about it anyway to stop the embarrassment for other people. The more we talk about ulcerative colitis, crohns, stomas, pouches and just poo in general, the less it will be a taboo or something to be embarrassed about.
People don’t like discussing matters of the arse do they? And this is the reason that people will suffer needlessly in silence when they begin with symptoms of the bum variety.
I understand those feelings but want to fight against them. Sometimes a mum at the school gate will say she’s read my blog. My mind works furiously thinking about what I’ve written about the past few days! And then I smile and thank them, for every person who reads may just have learnt something. Maybe I changed their thinking about something? Maybe I have taught them a way to have a discussion with someone else who has a chronic illness. Or maybe I just made them laugh.
Whatever their thoughts I am grateful that my website has delivered a message to so many people. It means so much to know I’ve had over 40,000 views in the last few months. I get emails from all over the world from people telling me I helped them.
And so when the embarrassment begins to creep hotly onto my chest and face, I think about the people I have helped and that embarrassment becomes pride.
This blog, my writing and public appearances, the photographs and the hours I put into developing programmes to help kids with body confidence and self esteem, all of that stuff gives my illness a purpose. And that makes things a little easier when I’m ill, exhausted, taking meds, having surgery or recovering.
I hope if nothing else I am teaching my kids to never be ashamed of their bodies. To embrace all parts of themselves and to be proud of themselves no matter what journey their bodies take them on.
Thanks for reading, please feel free to share this and join me in the fight to stop poo being taboo.
Love Sam
Packing for hospital
I thought I would do a post on packing for hospital as it has been on my mind recently. I’m due to go in for my pouch surgery in April though I don’t have a date yet and so I am getting organised.
My two week stay in hospital last time was unplanned and last minute and so I had to rely on my husband to bring things in for me.
This time I’m packing the things that will make my time in hospital just a tiny but easier. Of course these things aren’t essentials but the little things that will make my next two week stay a bit nicer.
So I have 5 changes of nightwear, I know this may seem a lot when I can have things taken away to be washed and others brought in but last time I took two pairs and asked my husband to bring in more. He brought in my painting scruffs, you know the paint splattered joggers with a saggy arse and a band tshirt from the 90s that has hair dye on the neck line? Yes, those. That’s what he brought in.
This time he is only allowed to bring back the things I send in for washing…
I bought myself new jamas and nighties, I just thought I’ll be wearing them a lot for the next few months so it was worth treating myself to some kick ass ones!
Big black pants – the comfier the better.
Comfortable bras. I bought three ‘gym’ bras that don’t have underwire and seams. Last time I hated sleeping in a bra as it was uncomfortable but didn’t feel nice without a bra at all. These were from primark and were £2.50 each.
Slippers – slip on, backless slippers. I didn’t have any last time as I don’t wear them at home and thought my slipper socks would be fine. But when you can’t bend to put them on its a pain in the arse! I ended up in my husbands old brown slippers. You do need something easy to slip on and off for if you need to go to other parts of the hospital or just to wander to the tv room.
Dressing gown for walking about or going to the loo/for tests.
Towels.
Wooly hat – i get a cold head and like to have a hat to hand. Also good for covering up terrible hair!!!
Books – a couple of good books I’ve been trying to get read for ages plus my kobo ebook reader. I also have a little book light for reading in the middle of the night if you don’t want your lamp on.
Puzzle book to pass the time.
Pens – pens are power in hospital. I have two and will be guarding them with my life!!!!
Now on to toiletries…
So I have the usuals of flannel, soap, shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste and toothbrush.
I also have a comb, bobbles, hair bands and grips.
Moisturiser – my skin was so dry last time!!!
Dry shampoo – my hair gets greasy quickly and as it is dyed, thick and long it is a terrible faff to wash and so I bought this spray to help keep clean in the early days before I’m ready for showers or baths.
Lip balm, tweezers, deodorant, face cream, face wipes, baby wipes, hair serum, nail file.
A mirror! Such a small thing but If I wanted to check my hair or pluck my eyebrows or anything I had to go to the bathroom. So this time I have a small compact mirror.
Anti bac gel – I know this is everywhere in hospital but when my kids visit they’re constantly touching the floor then wanting a cuddle. Or running their hands on the wall then touching me. Hospitals are such germy places and so having a little bottle if OCD juice makes me feel better.
Mini straighteners! Now I’m not a vain person. But I am a person with wavy, wild hair and a fringe. I have no idea if I’d actually use these but they were a fiver and so I thought I’d stick them in the bag just in case!!!
Eye mask – this is a biggy for me! I can’t sleep with lights on in hospital and they never turn them all off. This eye mask means I can grab a few hours darkened sleep no matter how many lights they have to leave on!
Other things I’ll pack will be a coin purse with a few quid in it, head phones for listening to music or watching films and my phone and charger.
My mobile was a life saver in hospital. It meant I could call or text whoever I wanted, that I could keep up with friends on Facebook and twitter. I watched films on Netflix which was fantastic!!! And most of all I could write and blog my heart out.
I hope my list is of some help to people getting ready to go into hospital. I know some things may seem silly or unnecessary but when facing at least a couple of weeks inside it is nice to have things around you that make you happy.
The final things I’ll be packing are my penguin and koala. Yes I’m 32 years old, but my kids and husband bought me these and they mean a lot. I’ll be holding these tight on those long lonely nights and they’ll make me feel better!
And my photos of the four most important people in the world. My husband and kids.
So there we go, my guide to packing your bags for a hospital stay. I’m sure you won’t want all the things I take and that they’ll be other stuff that you will need but I hope it’s given you a bit of an insight and some help.
Love Sam
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Good news!
Just had an email from my consultant saying that he hasn’t formally reported on it yet but wanted to let me know that he isn’t concerned about the shadow and doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about!
So. Bloody. Relieved.
I have to say positivity abandoned me over the last few days but thank you so so much for all the amazing messages of support I’ve received from you lot. It means a lot and I feel so lucky to have such awesome friends, family and readers.
Xxxx
Happy Mothers Day
I was 19 when I had my first child, many people said it was too young. That Timm and I were idiots who couldn’t cope with being parents… We probably were idiots. But the minute that not so little bundle was put in our arms it all changed. We realised what the meaning of life was, we had created a human being and it was amazing. Ellie and Thom followed in the next four years and our family was complete.
I love being a mum, yes I may complain about the difficulties, the constantly messy house, teenage dramas and general stress of having a family but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My kids are the best achievement of my life, they are the thing I am most proud of and three of the most important people in the world.
My heart beats for them and Im continually blown away that between myself and that wonderfully weird husband of mine, we managed to create these three perfect, unique, bizarre, clever, funny, kind, talented, beautiful children.
They are the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I fight so damn hard to be healthy and positive. The reason I will go through surgery, medication and recovery so I can be the best momma I possibly can for them.
Life is fragile, it can be so brief. Hold your loved ones close today, tell them you love them.
Happy Mothers Day xxxxxxxxxxx
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Not dealing with things well
Man, I’m grumpy. Like ‘lay on your face, hate the world’ grumpy.
This morning was good, I went for a dog walk with my friend Caroline and then had a morning doing a bit of work and helping her with craft stuff with another friend Rob. We chatted and everything was good.
But this afternoon my mood has taken a turn for the worse.
I’m still stressing about the mass from my ultrasound I know it need to not think about it and just wait and see what they say but it’s just sat niggling in my head.
I have come home and done some work and then opened my emails to a barrage of questions from the letting a agent from our last home. I’m really struggling to deal with this shit. I hate having to be a grown up and totally feel like we are being taken advantage of.
We lived in a house filled with damp and mould for 15 months, despite having the (very expensive oil) heating on, airing the house daily and using a dehumidifier the house was damp and mouldy and our clothes, shoes and furniture was ruined.
We put up with so many problems thinking we were being kind, good and accommodating tenants and now were being treated like mugs. I’m hacked off. Problems were never fixed by the landlord, she would get the cheapest solution possible and if she didn’t want to pay for it then it didn’t get fixed at all.
And now we have left, they want the moon on a stick.
I’m sorry I know this is nothing to do with this blog but it is stressing me out so much I could weep.
I’m sure living in a house filled with mould affected my recovery last year and since moving into our new home we have all noticed a massive difference to our breathing and general wellness but we are being told the damp was our fault due to not heating the house adequately!!
I’m sick of being taken for a mug. I’m sick of having to deal with shit thrown at us all the time. I’m fed up of trying to be a good kind person and just facing hardships all the time.
I’m grumpy. I’m sorry, this is not a positive post. I really need to take some of my own advice right now but I’m struggling to deal with everything.
With this stress plus my health, the upcoming surgery and recovery and just life. I feel like everything is just too much. I want to go hide in a duvet cave and not deal with any of it.
But I suppose I have to man up and deal with it. Timm has been at the house all week redecorating and making sure everything is perfect or they are threatening to keep our bond. They want us to leave the house in a better condition than what we got it in and I fucking hate feeling like we’re being taken advantage of but what can we do? We need the bond back as it will tide us over during my being in hospital for the upcoming surgery.
So I will attempt to reign in my grumps. Tonight all I want to do is hide under a duvet with my family and lock the rest of the shitty world out.
Hopefully normal service will resume shortly but till then please accept my apologies for being a proper mardy arse!!!
Sam xx
The Unknown
They found this thing. They called it a shadow and then slipped the word ‘mass’ into the conversation later. I wasn’t expecting it, I had nervously laughed and chatted through the first part of the test and then the woman, the doctor, testing person, her, she went quiet. She asked me to hold still and stopped talking about her daughter’s shop that she thought Id love. She stopped making that casual conversation that makes the fact she is looking up my arse slightly less embarrassing.
There is this ‘thing’ in my rectal tissue. I don’t know what it is. She mentioned it could be an abscess but said I needed to talk to my consultant. The mood changed really rapidly and I was so surprised that I just gathered my things and left. I didn’t ask any questions or query what she was saying. I didn’t do any of the sensible things, I just felt really hot and the word ‘cancer’ was all over me. I could hear it whispering in my ear, feel it nudging me like I was walking through a bustling crowd of it.
She didn’t say cancer. She never said the word. I keep thinking Im imagining the whole thing. She said she couldn’t say anything more and the consultant would look over the results as soon as possible and come back to me.
The logical part of my head is saying in a matronly manner ‘This, Samantha, is you over thinking it all. It will most likely be an abscess or something easily treatable. No one has suggested cancer. Wind your neck in and stop being dramatic.”
I left the hospital and drove aimlessly, I ended up in a carpark at a shopping centre, driving round to find a parking space, only once I found one I realised I didn’t need to go shopping. I drove to the old house where Timm was working and he chatted away. He stopped and looked at me and said “Everything OK?” “Yeah!” I replied.
Then “No bubs, they found something”
His face fell. I explained and he held me tight. Said it would all be fine and we needed to not get ahead of ourselves. I could feel his fear in his pounding chest, it was banging against mine giving away his anxiety whilst his face and words were soothing and calm.
I did a bad thing. I took a photo of the screen when she left the room for me to get changed. She had even asked me not to when I had asked if I could – “The consultant needs to see this first” she gently explained. Then I did a lot of bad things. I googled and googled and googled. I dismissed the need for years of medical training and diagnosed myself online.
I know this is bad. It is ridiculous and if I were hearing this from another person I would tell them to STOP FUCKING GOOGLING.
You know the funny thing is, that the ultrasound of a rectum is surprisingly beautiful. It looks like a lunar eclipse surrounded by galaxies. It looks like a black and white Van Gogh sun. It looks a lot nicer than you would imagine…
Today I am losing my mind thinking about what it could be, and so I called my consultants secretary only to be told that he is away till Monday and that the results would take a day or two to get to him anyway. She put me through to the clinic where Id had the test but they said the woman is also away till Monday. I imagine them both together, sunning themselves on a Caribbean island drinking cocktails with their heads thrown back laughing.
And so it is a waiting game for this unknown. I am telling myself over and over again that it all will be fine, that the chances are that it is an abscess or something that can be dealt with easily. Im pushing the word cancer out of the front of my mind, cramming it into a dusty trunk hiding at the back of my skull that contains the clowns and frogs.
I am on the verge of tears. Im so frightened. I keep thinking ‘Are you fucking kidding me? Have I not dealt with enough?’ It is so easy to wind yourself into a state of panic, but the words I use to comfort me are becoming a mantra, when I feel the panic rising and beginning to swallow me I repeat “It will be fine” over and over again.
Perhaps it really is nothing, perhaps they will look at it and shrug, something totally treatable and all A-OK. I feel that these bad thoughts of something sinister is just fanning the flames of drama, I need to stop that right now and not let my brain go into over drive. Because at this minute, everything is ok, no one is suggesting the things that are flooding through my brain, only me.
And so I will wait till Monday and speak to my consultant then. Until then I just have to try and keep that trunk locked up tight and not let my imagination run wild.
Sam xx
UPDATE – my lovely consultant dropped me an email to say that it’s “Highly unlikely to be anything but need to see scans” and to try not to worry. I’ll update again when I hear more news xxxx
Me and IBD
I was asked to write a little bit about my IBD story for Me and IBD, the youth site for Crohns and Colitis UK and was thrilled to do so. You can take a peek at the site here.
You can read my post below.
My name is Sam Cleasby and I run blog So Bad Ass, Im a writer, public speaker and cheerleader for those suffering from chronic illness.
So Bad Ass came into being as a website and blog about Inflammatory Bowel Disease and specifically my journey with Ulcerative Colitis and living with a stoma. Over the past year it has become so much more than that and I have been inspired to talk more about self esteem, body image and loving yourself.
In 2003 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. I had never heard of this before and so went off to google and what I found seemed to be a horror story, all the talk of ulcers and bleeding, surgery and bags! I was 22, engaged to be married and had two children. I felt like my life was over.
What followed were years of flare ups and remissions, never knowing when a flare up is coming or when it will end.
In May 2013 I started with a flare up, after trying to control it with drugs for months I was eventually admitted to hospital for a course of IV high dose steroids. I was passing a lot of blood and was very poorly. After 6 days of intensive IV steroid therapy along with a whole host of other drugs, the decision was made that surgery was the best option for me.
On 3rd September 2013 I had a sub total colectomy and end ileostomy. I now have no large bowel and live with a stoma in my stomach, I wear a bag to collect all my waste and my life has changed forever!
During my treatment I blogged my heart out, it has helped me to deal with the changes in my life and feels good to talk honestly about my illness, treatment and life. I blog in the hope of making poo no longer a taboo…
I hope that reading my blog helps people to deal with their own situation. I want to let other IBDers know that just because you have a bad ass, it doesn’t stop you from being badass…
The blog now gets thousands of views every week, I receive so many emails and messages of support and encouragement as well as a lot asking for help and support themselves. I am so proud to have used my illness and surgery to spread the word and raise awareness of Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis. I use my ileostomy and stoma to show images to the world to rid the fear of the bag! I show my audience that having a chronic illness is just one small part of who I am, and that if they just open their minds and look a little deeper, this ileostomy bag does not define me.
I spoke at International Women’s Day this year about Ulcerative Colitis, living with a stoma, body image, self esteem and positivity. I am also developing a workshop for children and young adults to learn about loving their own bodies no matter what they face in life and have more public speaking lined up for this year.
The coming year is one of more surgery (Im going to cease to be an ostomate and become a pouchie!!!) building the blog, raising awareness and generally shouting as much as I can about Ulcerative Colitis, Crohns, stomas and pouches and I run a photography company called The Picture Foundry.
I am also renewing my wedding vows at the end of this year after ten years of marriage with a big ceremony which Im terrified about!! I am using the wedding as a way to raise money for Crohns and Colitis UK though, we are asking our guests to make a donation in lieu of gifts so this year is a busy one.
I didn’t ask for this illness or this life, but I will make the most of every second of it. If I can raise awareness of the disease, it makes it worth while. My surgery, illness and stoma can make a difference and so every day I remind myself that I am so bad ass.
Love Sam x
Ostomies and Swimwear – A survey
I was contacted by Charlotte from DMU in Leicester who is doing a project to make lingerie/swimwear for a purpose.
She says “Me and my group have decided that we want to design swimwear that is more suitable to stoma patients as well as concealing the bag within the swimwear and keeping it fashionable.”
I have never managed to find ostomy swimwear that suited me, I do like the idea of having a pouch that holds my bag safely against me but all the swimwear I have seen have been in fabric I thought was ugly and cheap looking, so Im thrilled that students are thinking about this issue for ostomates.
The group have made a survey to help them in their studies.
I have filled in the survey, but if any of you can take a couple of minutes to fill it in, that would be great!
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NQXHJGY
Love Sam xx