How to love yourself

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Im doing more and more writing about self esteem and body image and was asked to talk about ways to feel better about yourself.  This is part of my Love Yourself – You’re So Bad Ass work.

My guilty pleasure TV is Ru Paul’s Drag Race, it’s like America’s Next Top Model but for drag queens and its AMAZING.  Totally trashy but addictive.  Ru Paul has this saying at the end of every episode

ru paul if you can't love yourself

Totally right, we all need to love ourselves a little more.  And so here are my tips on how to love yourself.

STOP BUYING CRAP WOMENS MAGAZINES – any magazine that sells it’s rag by speculating about womens weight can go to hell.  Is she too fat? Too skinny? She’s got cellulite??? BURN HERRRRRRR!!!  No.  Stop buying and reading crap judgements of other women, its bad for the soul.

TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE AWESOME – you might feel stupid at first, but positive affirmations are a great way to start to think about the good things about yourself.  Say it out loud and say it proudly.  Remember that your body is listening to the words you say, so make them nice ones.

ACCEPT YOURSELF – I know this is easier said than done, but being accepting of yourself is the start of all things good.  Last year I realised I had been on a diet for 12 years and it depressed the hell out of me, for 12 years of being on a diet is 12 years of telling myself I wasn’t good enough.  I know I am overweight and I am actually losing weight right now for surgery, but in accepting that my body is beautiful just the way it is, weight loss becomes so much less of a big deal and therefore it becomes a little easier to lose the weight as I just don’t think it is the be all and end all.

Accepting how your amazing body is made will make you feel better.  That fold on your side is a beautiful and delicious imperfection that makes you unique, those wrinkles show your path through life, your scars are like the hieroglyphs of your story.  Learn to accept these things and learn to love them.

READ THIS QUOTE – “You are not fat.You have fat. You also have fingernails, but you aren’t fingernails”

GIVE AND ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS – Make a point of telling people when you think they look good, or you like their clothes, hair, perfume, anything.  And be accepting of compliments, I used to deny compliments all the time… “I love your dress!” “Really? This was from Primark and Im wearing spanx to fit it it!”  Nowadays I make a point of holding those denials back and saying “Thank you, thats really kind!”

GET OUT AND GET MOVING – Exercise really does help mood, getting out walking and breathe in that fresh air.  When I am feeling crap, I know the best thing for me is to grab the dogs lead, put on a big coat and get out walking.  It clears my mind, gives me perspective and gives me time alone.  I don’t always feel like it and sometimes have to force myself to do it, but I always ALWAYS feel better afterwards.

PERFECTION IS THE ENEMY OF GOOD – Perfection is unattainable, insisting on perfection often results in no improvement at all.  Accept that humans are all imperfect, and that is what makes us unique and beautiful.

perfect is the enemy of good

USE THE FOUR QUESTIONS – If you have a bad thought about yourself or your body, use the four questions of Byron Katie.  There is a Judge Your Body worksheet, fill it in and then use the four questions.

“In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and turnarounds. For example, your statement might be “[Name] doesn’t listen to me.” Find someone in your life about whom you have had that thought. Then take that statement and put it up against the four questions and turnarounds of The Work.

Step 1 Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)

Step 2 Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)

Step 3 How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

 Who would you be without the thought?

Turn the thought around. Then find at least three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation.”

It is about re thinking the way we automatically think things through habit and creating new thought processes.

THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU THINK ARE BEAUTIFUL – and realise that beauty is about so much more that how we look externally.  Beauty is about kindness, love, wonder.  Beauty is different all over the world, the very narrow western ideal of beauty in magazines is not true beauty.

RECOGNISE WHEN YOU NEED HELP AND ASK FOR IT – Sometimes negative feelings are more than feeling a bit down, if bad thoughts are something that affects your life daily then perhaps it is time to ask for help.  Whether that is in speaking to your partner, family or friends or seeing a therapist or taking medication.  Your best port of call is your GP.  There is no shame in asking for help, it does not signify weakness.  Recognising when you need help shows strength and courage.  If you need it, ask for help.

Love Sam xxx

Feelings about surgery

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I am struggling to write this post.  I just don’t seem to be able to find the words, which is an odd feeling for a loud mouth like me.  I am due to have my pouch surgery in the next 5 weeks though I don’t have a date yet, and Im terrified.

I was scared before the last surgery but I was so ill that I knew I had little option but to have my bowel removed, but this surgery is different.  I am making the choice to have this one, I could choose to keep my ileostomy forever and the idea is tempting.  Now I am used to the bag, it causes few problems day to day, my hernia is a problem but that could be fixed and I could keep my bag.

sam cleasby so bad ass ulcerative colitis blog sheffield

But I am choosing to go for the pouch surgery to give myself an opportunity to have a more normal digestive system.  The surgery means that my small intestine will be formed into a pouch and connected back to my rectum so I will no longer have a bag and will go to the toilet ‘normally’.

I say ‘normally’ but it will never be back to normal again.  The pouch will be a lot smaller than a colon and so can’t hold as much, so I’ll be going to the toilet 5-10 times a day.  Also the colon takes a lot of the liquid out of food which is why normal poos are reasonably solid, as I don’t have a colon, my poo will be liquid all the time.  The colon also neutralises a lot of the stomach acid from our food, with my bag if I get the poo on my skin it can burn and make it really sore.  I will have this same issue with my bum when I have the pouch getting the dreaded “butt burn”.

The surgery itself is a long one, 6-7 hours I have heard and then Im having the hernia repair as well and so I am really nervous about the actual surgery and being under anaesthetic for all that time.  I have huge fears that something will go wrong and I won’t wake up.

The recovery is meant to be very difficult.  Ill have at least ten days in hospital as I am having the one step pouch surgery which means I won’t be allowed solid food for 10 days and all liquid has to be measured in and out…

I haven’t used my bum muscles for over 6 months now and so that combined with the new pouch and my intestines being forced to perform a job they were never meant to do means there is a good chance of incontinence in the first few months.  I am embarrassed to talk about this but this blog is meant to be about honesty I suppose.  There is a chance Ill have to wear some kind of sanitary device at night to keep clean.  Im devastated about this possibility.  I literally feel sick at the thought of it.  As I write this I am unsure whether I can hit publish as Im so upset about it.

Full recovery can take 12 -18 months, this is the length of time it can take for the pouch to be at full working order.  It is going to be a long hard slog, I am trying to prepare friends and family for the difficulty of my recovery as I feel that people are expecting me to bounce back from this surgery as I did with my bag but the fact is that this recovery is going to take longer and affect me a lot more.

I feel quite a lot of pressure actually.  Pressure of others expectations, which I know is daft and what will be will be, but I do worry that people are going to be shocked at how tough this op is to get over both physically and mentally.

Im scared.  Terrified to be honest.  Im scared that I won’t be able to cope, that Im going to be house ridden for months and months.  Im scared I won’t be able to deal with it emotionally and mentally as well as physically.  Im quite good at being tough, but Im not so good when I feel out of control.  Im worried I am making a mistake, should I just keep my bag forever? Logically I know that this is what I want to do, I know that if the pouch recovery goes terribly wrong that I will be able to go back to a stoma and bag, but if I choose to keep the bag now there is no going back as the removed everything in the rectum and anus and sew it all up, so I want to at least attempt to live with a pouch.

Timm is, as ever, being amazing.  He listens to all of my worries and we talk through everything, he tells me he will be there every step of the way.  I suggested we sleep separately whilst I recover and he has just plain refused, which I am secretly pleased about.  I just felt that I should give him the option of sleeping away from me during the first tough months but he says we will always share our bed no matter what.  He talks with me about coping strategies and if all else fails, he makes terrifically sick jokes that make me laugh.  A lot.

sam cleasby so bad ass ulcerative colitis blog sheffield

So there it is, this is how Im feeling right now.  Shaky, emotional, frightened yet oddly looking forward to the surgery just being over and done with.  I will, of course, be blogging as much as I can through my treatment.  Please keep commenting, emailing, calling, texting and messaging me.  Your support means the world and I feel properly blessed to be able to share my journey with you all.

Much love

Sam xx

Surgery news

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I have had a couple of pre op dates through and we are definitely working towards my pouch surgery being in April.  On 26th March I have to go in for a test of the muscles in my arse (nice!) and I have my pre op date for 9th April (Happy birthday Timm!)

The first test is called Anorectal Manotmetry, it is a test used to assess how well the muscles and nerves in and around your rectum are working, so that doctors know they are strong enough to deal with the pouch surgery.  I will also have an ultrasound.

j pouch surgery

Image from Colorectal Surgeons Sydney

The following information is from the NHS website.

“The test uses a device that looks like a small thermometer with a balloon attached to the end. This is inserted into your rectum and the balloon is inflated. It may feel unusual, but it is not uncomfortable or painful.

A machine is attached to the device, which measures pressure readings taken from the balloon.

During the test you will be asked to squeeze, relax and push your rectum muscles at certain times. You may also be asked to push the balloon out of your rectum in the same way that you push out a stool. The information is sent to the pressure-measuring machine, and gives an idea of how well your muscles are working.

The balloon can also be inflated to different sizes to determine when your rectum feels full. If the balloon is inflated to a relatively large size but you do not feel any sensation of fullness, it may mean there are problems with the nerves in your rectum.”

I am not looking forward to this test as you can imagine, but after ten years of Ulcerative Colitis I have had so many tests and doctors looking in my butt that little embarrasses me any more!

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

The next appointment is for my pre operative assessment where they go through consent and make sure Im informed, do blood tests and any other tests that need doing.  Ill be screened for MRSA and they will just go through the information I need to know about when to go nil by mouth, when and where to come in to hospital etc.  I am not sure what the time between pre op and surgery actually is, I had a google and some people say its days before and others say it could be a month or more.  But my surgeon has said my op will be in April so we’ll just have to see.

And so that is where I am up to, everything is being booked and we are steaming ahead.  Ill most probably have a pouch in the next month and to be honest I am terrified.  But that is for another post as I can’t get those words out right now.

Sam xx

Why we should all be more drag queen

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As you may know I am slightly obsessed with Ru Paul’s Drag Race, it’s like a drag version of America’s Next Top Model, totes trashy but amazingly addictive.  As I sit watching a screen full of men dressed as women it got me thinking about the qualities in women that these queens imitate.

I think drag queens are absolute artists, from the make up and hair, to the outfits, performance and dance, you can see the hours of dedication put into their creativity and I LOVE it.  Its like watching a theatre piece.  Many imitate celebrities, but a lot talk about mimicking the strong women around them, mothers, sisters, friends, aunties.  They imitate them in an exaggerated way, magnifying the qualities that they love.

ru paul be more drag queen

Watching these beautiful queens act in such an open, daring, funny, extravagant way, you easily forget that they are men dressed in womens clothes and just enjoy watching hilarious, wicked and wild performers.

So I have been thinking about why women should be a little more drag queen, Im a big believer in faking it till you make it, as in acting like the personality you wish you had until you eventually stop faking it and start feeling it.  What if we all performed as the type of woman we adore?  Despite my outward appearance, I am sometimes quite shy and I get really anxious when I have to speak to new people but it is something I dislike about myself and so I fake being a chatty and confident person.  I have faked it for so long that sometimes the new behaviour of being gregarious just comes out as a habit and without trying to fake it, I AM that confident person.

Watching drag queens is so interesting as they perform as how they ‘see’ women rather than how most women actually are and man, that looks likes fun!  Perhaps next time we feel shite about ourselves we need to put on a floor length glittery gown, massive lashes and act like a giddy diva?  Well, maybe not.  But maybe we could all do with seeking out a little inner drag queen to boost our confidence from time to time, acting like a woman in our lives who inspires us.

Ru Paul has this saying…

ru paul

How true is that? I KNOW it sounds cliche but without self confidence and love for ourself, it is a real struggle to love someone else and to be loved.  We need to spend more time working on ourselves, on loving ourselves, respecting ourselves and making time for number one.  We need to make our own happiness a priority rather than putting ourselves last in the queue.

You know that saying “If momma aint happy, nobody happy”? That is because as women and mothers we tend to be the key pin in families (dads are of course as important, please don’t think Im dissing the baby daddies).  If we are unhappy it affects everyone in the family.

So this week, make time for you, do something that makes you happy and if you are really struggling perhaps try being just a little more drag queen.

Sam xxx

Things I hate about IBD

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Although Im a big believer in positivity, I also think it is healthy to expel all the things you hate, to write them down and cast them out and so I though Id do a list of things I hate about IBD, ileostomies and chronic illness.  With my surgery looming I am possibly not feeling at my most upbeat so bear with me…

I HATE not being a ‘normal’ person.  Not in the personality stakes as Im ok with being a bit odd and weird but in the health stakes, I HATE that I can’t just have normal bodily functions, that I have to have medication or surgery or different treatments to just function the way everybody else does.

I HATE being flaky.  By this I mean backing out of plans at the last minute because I don’t feel well, being unable to fulfil responsibilities whether they are family, work or friendships.

mr grumble hate ibd

I HATE that I can’t plan things in advance due to not knowing how I will be health wise on any given day.

I HATE that I feel weak.  That sometimes I can’t do the things I want to do and I have to ask for help.

I HATE that my illness becomes all I talk about.  Sometimes the last thing I want to do (believe it or not!!) is talk about my arse.

I HATE that my kids see me ill and unable to do the things I need and want to do.  I HATE that they miss out on things because of me.

I HATE that my illness and treatment upsets those around me.

hate IBD

I HATE that sometimes, no matter how confident I am, that slight rustle of my bag can, at times, make my self esteem plummet.

I HATE that my husband becomes my carer.

I HATE that I feel exhausted and broken a lot of the time.

I HATE that sometimes my disease makes me selfish, I am so snowed under by how the illness is affecting me that I am not aware of the people around me.

I suppose the key thing in all those things is the word ‘sometimes’.  Life isn’t always shit, most of the time I can overcome anything! But ‘sometimes’ these things get to me and it is easy to think life sucks.  When I feel like this I let myself have a good old wallow, because we do need to lay and weep eating our own body weight in ice-cream whilst watching a box set of My So-Called Life (or is that just me?) then I make myself think of all the awesome things in my life and I suck it up buttercup and move forward.
Love Sam x

Help with water bills

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I have just discovered that people with Ulcerative Colitis, Crohns, a stoma or other long term illnesses that mean they need to use a lot of water could be entitled to reduced water rates.

The Watersure scheme caps your water payments.  To qualify you must…

  • be on a water meter or have applied for one and be waiting for it to be installed
  • be on certain benefits
  • have a high essential use of water.

watersure help with water rates for people with ulcerative colitis, crohns disease or a stoma

Either you or someone in  your household must get one of the following benefits:

  • income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance
  • Income Support
  • income-related Employment And Support Allowance
  • Pension Credit
  • Housing Benefit
  • Working Tax Credit
  • Child Tax Credit awarded at a rate higher than the family element.

 

High essential use of water means if you or someone in your home has a medical condition which they need to use a lot of water OR get this parents, if you have three or more children under 19 in your home.

These medical conditions automatically qualify as long as you meet the other requirements…

  • desquamation (flaky skin disease)
  • weeping skin disease (eczema, psoriasis or varicose ulceration)
  • incontinence
  • abdominal stomas
  • renal failure requiring dialysis at home  – although you won’t qualify for Watersure if you’re already getting a contribution to your water costs from the NHS
  • Crohn’s disease
  • ulcerative colitis.

You can also apply for Watersure if there is someone in your household who has another medical condition which means using higher than average amounts of water.  Water companies will ask for details from a doctor.

Apply by filling out a form from your water supplier, I looked on Yorkshire Water website and just downloaded it.

This sort of help is fantastic but no one tells you about it! I just happened upon it accidentally and Im filling the forms in now.  Im shocked about the three or more children rule, I don’t think many people know about this at all!

 

So take a look, hope it is of help for you all

 

Sam xxx

Harry the hernia

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My hernia is getting worse by the day, it’s hard to know what to do for the best. It will be fixed in April during my pouch surgery but till then it’s getting increasingly difficult to deal with.

It’s a large hard swelling behind my stoma about the size of half a large grapefruit. There’s quite a lot of pressure behind it and as it sticks out I’ve actually knocked it a couple of times. Ouch.

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It’s quite hard to photograph myself but I tried so you can see what I’m talking about. This photo is looking down onto it, so you can see the left side of my tummy is flat whilst the hernia is pushing out from behind my bag. It makes the bags not work perfectly too.

20140317-222146.jpg

This is from the right side, you can see how far it’s sticking out.

There’s some information on parastomal surgery techniques here.

I believe that they will stitch the muscles and put a mesh into place that will stay in my body and reinforce the muscles where my stoma was. As I’m having the pouch surgery I will be having my stoma removed anyway.

Still no date on surgery, I think I won’t get a date till after my tests which I’m having on the 26th March.

Thanks for reading

Sam xxx

Losing weight

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With my pouch surgery coming up in the next month or so, my consultant has asked me to try and lose some weight. Since January I’ve lost 12lbs and so I’m doing quite well but seem to have plateaued.

He has asked me to try to lose another 6 or 7 lbs as people carrying less weight have fewer problems and a better recovery than those who are heavier.

My problem is that because of the hernia I’m really struggling to do any physical exercise. I’ve stopped swimming because I’m scared of my hernia twisting and ending up not being able to get out and dressed as when this happens it’s agony and I’ve also stopped going to the gym.

My plan is to walk the dog every day, I can’t go fast but it’s better than nothing! I also struggle with some fruits and veg with my stoma but I’m going to try and just cut out all the sweet stuff and watch my portion sizes.

I really feel the pressure to lose this weight, I’m so scared of the next surgery and if I end up having any complications I know Ill blame myself if I don’t lose it.

So if anyone has any suggestions or tips for someone with a stoma and hernia to lose half a stone in a month they will be gratefully received.

Sam x

Visiting someone in hospital

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As I start to mentally prepare for surgery next month I began to think about how lovely it was last time when I had visitors and I thought about some things that would help me this time.

When you are sick in hospital, visiting times really break up the day. Last time I was in two weeks, this time will be a similar time scale. Having a visitor really does brighten your mood and make things feel a little better. On the times I didn’t have visitors, I tended to go to sleep as it just felt awkward when others on the ward had family or friends there.

I know it can be a bit of a dilemma whether to visit or not, I’ve had family and friends say they wanted to visit but didn’t want to intrude, thought I’d be too ill or didn’t want to take up my time when I could be seeing my kids.

family visit hospital

Personally I love having visitors, I really appreciate anyone taking time out of there day to see me. I would only ask for you to speak to Timm my husband first, simply because visitor numbers are restricted and I’d hate for you to come and then not get in as I’m with the kids. I ask Timm not to bring our kids every day as it’s just a bit much for all of us, they find it upsetting, then they get bored and I feel upset and stressed. But the times they do come I love and so plan with Timm when you want to come as my brats are always going to outrank you so I don’t want you to waste a journey.

Talking of kids, don’t bring your own! No offence! Hospitals don’t like visiting kids and I’m ill so don’t really need your children climbing on the bed and being noisy! Sorry x

Check visiting times as they vary from hospital to hospital and ward to ward.

ulcerative colitis surgery ibd ileostomy hospital

Flowers… I LOVE getting flowers, from a posh bouquet to a hand picked posy, it just makes me smile. But some wards don’t allow them, mine didn’t last time and it just made me feel guilty that people had spent money on things I couldn’t have.

Any other gifts. I don’t need a gift from a visitor, as the saying goes, your presence is needed more than your presents. But if you really fancy bringing something I will gratefully accept! Last time I got things like lip balm, hand cream, magazines and peppermint tea. All fantastic! If you really want to bring a gift and don’t know what, ask me or Timm. Sometimes I’ll need a particular thing and he won’t be visiting that day (squash, a flannel etc) but seriously if you want to come, do not feel that you have to bring a gift!

Please don’t visit if you have a stomach bug or bad cold. The signs aren’t to be fussy. The patients can’t deal with your illness on top of their own!

Always use the antibacterial hand cleaner for the same reasons as before!

Don’t feel awkward and ask questions if you want to know about my illness or surgery. If I want to talk about it, I’ll tell you. If I don’t, I won’t. But I promise I won’t be offended if you ask.

If hospitals just aren’t your thing, or work/life make it difficult to visit and you want to get in touch. Please call me, text me, email me, send me photos of funny goats. One of the worst thing in hospital is boredom and any outside contact means so much.

 

Sam xx

Surgery news

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After visiting my consultant (and ANOTHER bloody cock up with appointments!!) the decision has been made.

My hernia is causing too many problems and so my pouch surgery is being brought forward…. to April.

I’m really anxious and nervous but I am in the very safe hands of Mr Brown, my surgeon.

No exact date as yet as I need a couple of tests before we can book it in but he has said it will be April.

It’s been a bit of a big day between the news from hospital and today we moved house!

So just a very quick post from me today, thanks so much for all the texts, emails and kind messages wishing me luck.

Loads of love

Sam xxx