Tag Archive for: relationships

Finding out who your friends are

/6 Comments/in /by

Chronic illness has a lot of downsides. A LOT!  Apart from the physical effects, the surgeries, the time in hospital and the emotional and mental effects, it can massively effect your social life and friendships. 
I think it really does show who your friends are though.  I get that my illness has gone on for a long time, I know this more than anyone. I know it must be hard to be friends with me at times, I’m not the worlds most reliable person after all. I cancel on plans at the last minute and there’s times where I am so unwell that I can’t be there for the people I care about. 

But it makes me really sad that there are friends who sometimes seem to forget about me.  Maybe they are fair weather friends, only there when I have something to give back, only there when I am able to be fun and go out.  Or maybe they just don’t know what to say to me? 

I know it’s not just me too. I get a lot of messages from readers who are facing the same thing and are unsure of how to deal with it which is why I decided to write this post.  I don’t want to sound self obsessed or bitchy but it is definitely an issue for people with long term health conditions. 

Scope did a poll where they found that two thirds of people feel awkward around disability. Perhaps the same applies to illness?  Maybe people are worried about the right or wrong thing to say? Maybe they’re concerned about offending? 

I understand that feeling of being scared to say the wrong thing. Of worrying about sticking your foot in it and saying something that may upset the other person. But dude, just do it. Send a message, pick up the phone, arrange a visit. 

I try to see the best in others, I think it’s better to assume the best in people rather than thinking the worst and so I try and think of reasons behind this behaviour.  Perhaps they’re just really busy, they have their own shit to be dealing with.  It’s easy to slip your mind when your life and struggles take over.  Maybe they don’t know what to say or they are having their own issues? 

I have some amazing friends who I couldn’t cope without, who are always there for me.  They put themselves out to come and look after me, cook and clean when I can’t.  They visit, call and text and those people I am truly grateful to. 

I know it’s tough being my friend.  I know there are these vast time periods when I am so ill that I can give you nothing back. Believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that there are times when our friendship is one way, I’m sorry that sometimes I need more than I can give.  But know that as broken as I may be, I am loyal and loving and kind and when my stupid, bloody illness allows, I will be there for you too. 

Sam xx 

18 years ago today…

/6 Comments/in /by

I was in the Leadmill with my friend Lizzy, her boyfriend was the DJ at a new club night and she’s got us tickets.  I wasn’t going to go out but she really wanted to see her fella so I agreed. 

We went and danced and partied and I was glad I’d made the effort to go out.  She went to see her boyfriend whilst I went to the bar and as I looked up at the DJ box for her, I spied a man with long hair wildly dancing hanging off the booth whilst taking requests and was just a little bit smitten!


I recognised him as the bloke I’d seen a few weeks earlier in the same club skating in and dancing with friends. I’d wanted to speak to him then,  but bottled it.  Lizzy came down and I asked about him, she said he was called Timm and that I should come meet him. 

I know people may not believe this but I used to be so shy and unconfident and I was too embarrassed to speak to him. So she dashed off and jumped up to the box and called the immortal words “HEY! My mate fancies you!” 

I was mortified. 

He looked down and said “the one with a skin head?” She nodded. “Bring her up!”  Shyly I went and said hi and he handed me some champagne in a chipped mug. I thought it was the coolest thing ever! 


One thing led to another and 18 years and three kids later, here we are! 

Timm is my best person in the world, he makes my life happier, fuller and better and I know it sounds cliche but I genuinely love him more with each year that passes. 
I worry about him. I worry that all the stress and hardships of my illness will be too much for him.  He’s a good bloke though and I know he’d never just walk away but this makes me worry that he feels stuck with me, that I’m a burden to him. 


I worry that he has turned from my partner to my carer and that I make him unhappy.  Often people think so much about the person who is ill but their partner is expected to just cope with it all.  Timm’s had to do so much for me in the last 13 years and the past 3 years and 5 surgeries have put so much strain on him. I feel sad that the cause of his stress is me. 

Timm makes me feel like the best woman on earth, he tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m in pyjamas and unable to shower and haven’t slept for two days.  He says I’m the best even when I know I am further towards the worst.  He makes me laugh even in my darkest hours. He listens, he supports, he makes everything better. 


I thought I loved Timm when I was 18. And I did! But the depth of my love for him now at 35 is so much more than I could have ever imagined.  It’s a love that comes with time, he knows me better than anyone else in the world, there’s no facade, no fakery, nothing hidden.  

He is my everything. And though I struggle with feeling that I’m a burden to him, and worry I’m not good enough, he has my heart and always will. 

Happy Anniversary of when a skin head’s friend told you that she fancied you. 

18 years bubsy xxx 

As a parent, can I just say, I have no clue what I’m doing…

/1 Comment/in /by

I have three kids aged 15, 13 and 11.  From the outside, I appear to have it all in hand.  My kids are polite, friendly and fun to be with.  I have managed to get to this point without losing them (apart from that one time on Blackpool Pier), killing them in a stupidity accident or them hating me.  I also write about life as a parent, apparently giving the public the illusion that I know what the fuck I am doing.

Therefore I get comments and messages from people who seem to think I am the Baby Whisperer crossed with Mary Poppins.  That I have some magical gift or that I know the mythical answer to parenting.  This post is to let you in on a secret.  I have no clue what I am doing!

None of us do! Every day is a learning experience, I am just figuring it out day by day.  This means sometimes I fluke it out and things go well, but other times, it all goes horribly wrong and I am left sat in a war zone wondering how much flights to the Maldives cost.

 

children parenting blog sam cleasby sheffield

 

Parenting is bloody hard work.  From the sleepless nights of newborns, through teething and weaning, onto the stage when they can move themselves about and suddenly every nice thing in your home goes up onto a higher level.  Toddler tantrums as they discover their own voice through to starting school and suddenly having a different authority figure in their lives.  Tween dramas give way to teen dramas and suddenly the issues become more expensive and more dangerous… It is scary stuff being responsible for another human being and all any of are trying to do is not fuck them up too badly.

The only way to get through is to have other honest parents to talk to, and honest is the key word here.  Don’t read social media posts of the perfect mums who have made an organic breakfast, are beautifully dressed and made up, whose children are little angels who say ‘thank you mummy’ as she passes them their mung bean and papaya oatmeal and then trot out to school so mum can start her day as a high flying business woman who has it all…

Seriously, ignore that shit.

Honest parents are the best.  They will tell you about the time they saw the bin van coming as they had just finished breastfeeding and went to run to put the bins out and stood in a shitty nappy, skidding across the floor and then meeting the bin man with shit up their leg and one breast hanging out of their top.

They will tell you about the times when they lost their temper and shouted at their kids and then truly regretted it and cried outside on the doorstep until said child came and said ‘don’t cry mummy’.

They will tell you that sometimes they think their kids are dickheads and they occasionally daydream of running away from home.

They will tell you that random freezer dinners of one fishfinger, 2 mini sausage rolls, a pizza finger and some beans is totally acceptable if you stick a piece of cucumber on the side.

They will tell you that their heart aches when they try and deal with teenagers who are so angst filled and bubbling with hormones that you feel like different species.  That when their kids make idiotic choices and take dangerous paths that they just wish they were toddlers again so that the parents could cuddle them and watch Finding Nemo in bed and keep them safe.

They will tell you that parenting is all practicing, that they don’t have the answers and that it is hard work.

(All of these have happened to me…)

 

sam cleasby sheffield parenting blogger

 

Honest parents are vital.  Because when they’ve been honest about all the challenging parts of being a parent, you want to celebrate with them all the amazing parts.  Because though I sound down on being a parent here, I’m really not.  I love being a mum, it is literally the best thing I have ever done.

From the moment my first son was put in my arms, I felt purpose.  I knew that my life had changed forever and that I would spend the rest of it protecting and loving this bundle of joy.  I remember crying about the miracle of babies, how a little part of me and a little part of my partner had made an actual human being! Though that might have been the drugs…

Seeing your child grow and change is just magical, from the baby days where they are physically changing before your eyes every single day through to teens where you can see them maturing into wonderful young adults, the process is just beautiful.

The pride as you see them learn is wonderful, teaching them about the world around them and filling their minds with information and seeing them achieve is awesome.  I feel a great privilege to be mum to my bambinos, and they are growing up so quickly, I feel like I am grasping onto the last moments of childhood, especially with my eldest.  This week he came and laid on the sofa with me, head rested on my shoulder and watched TV.  I wanted to hug him and squeeze him but instead, I nonchalantly stayed put, slowly creeping my arm over to rest on his shoulder and quietly enjoyed the moment like he was a butterfly who would flit off at any moment.

I adore being a mum, my kids mean everything to me and I wouldn’t give this life up for the world.  I am so proud of them all, the three of them are all completely different with different personalities, goals and desires, but they are all just the best.  I can love them but still freely admit that I don’t have a clue what I am doing.

People ask me for parenting advice often, I don’t feel I can give it as all kids and families are so different.  But if I am pushed, I say this:

  • No child ever went bad from being loved too much.  Tell them you love them. Often. Seriously every day.  Yep, especially when you are arguing.
  • If you fuck up, admit it and say sorry.  You are teaching them that even their Mighty Grand High Parent sometimes gets it wrong and thats ok.
  • Fill your home and your life with interesting things, people and experiences.  Kids are little sponges of curiosity, teach them everything, give them culture, show them the world around them.
  • Don’t go it alone, speak to other (HONEST) parents.  This shit is hard work, it is not failing to ask for help.
  • Boost their self-esteem.  Be genuine and when they are awesome, tell them.
  • Give them the gift of art.  Encourage their creativity and celebrate art and music.  Whether it is cartoons or the Mona Lisa, finger painting or building cardboard dens.  Art is vital for kids, I honestly believe this and I think it helps them with pretty much every part of their lives.
  • Be interested in their lives, there will come a day when they won’t want to share everything with you and you will miss it.
  • Be honest with them.  Be open and true and tell the truth about life, even if it is difficult.
  • Enjoy them.  They grow up so quickly.  Someone once told me “you never know when it will be your last”, the last time they kiss you in front of their pals, the last time they’ll sit on your knee, the last time they will sleep in your bed… Cherish every moment.
  • Take them outdoors.  Mud pies, woodland walks, playing with sticks, building dens, laying in the sun, making daisy chains, playing games.  These things really matter.  Trust me.
  • Be grateful.  You have children when there are so many people in this world can’t.  Don’t take them for granted, love them, revel in them and celebrate them.

 

Sam xx

 

Please don’t stop inviting me

/6 Comments/in /by

When you have a chronic illness, one of the things that cause guilt and stress is letting people down, I hate that I am sometimes so slack and have to say no to plans, often at the last minute.  To anyone I let down, I am sorry.

But please don’t stop inviting me…

I know it is frustrating when I call (or more likely do the cowardly text) at the last minute, I am sure you look down at your phone and roll your eyes and think ‘here we go again!’ I am sorry that I cancel on our plans, but I swear, in the cheesiest of lines, it’s not you, it’s me.

Whether it is last minute pain, fatigue or anxiety, whether it is physical or mental, I know that it can seem to you that I must not care.  I know that you may analyse my excuse and logically come up with an outcome where I could make it if I really wanted to.   I know that it makes you sad, or angry, or fed up.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

sam cleasby so bad ass IBD blogger and writer

I know you have been there for me and come to my events, my parties, my coffee breaks.  You make the effort to visit me and be an amazing friend.  You put yourself out and very rarely cancel and it must be so frustrating to have a friend who doesn’t return the favour.

It must be quite difficult having me as a friend, I don’t have a normal level of consistency in my life, it is one thing or another with my health and if it isn’t a physical thing, years of living with these issues have made me mad as a bag of frogs.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

I am sorry for that time I missed your child’s birthday party, I am sorry I didn’t come on your planned trek to the countryside, I am sorry I bailed on your last party, I am sorry I cancelled our brunch date, I apologise for saying I would definitely come to that yoga class with you then abandoning you to do it alone.

I feel terrible that I didn’t call you more regularly when my problems seem to fill my whole head space, it makes me sad to know that I am not the best friend in the world, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.

But please don’t stop inviting me.

I know I am sometimes slack and I cancel on you.  This illness of mine sometimes makes me selfish and clouds out everything else, but know this.  I may not be present, but you are always in my thoughts, I might miss your event but I love you dearly, I bailed on your party but I am loyal, caring and my friends mean everything to me.

Even when I don’t make it to your events, please know how much it means to be invited.  Your offers mean everything even if I know I can’t make it.  Thank you for making me feel normal, for not being put off by my illness, my cancelations, my issues.

Please don’t stop inviting me.

sam cleasby so bad ass IBD blogger and writer

It takes a very special person to be friends with someone with a chronic, life long illness.  You lose friends and family members along the way when you are ill, it is a time where you find out who is really there for you.  Some people can’t hack it, they walk away and don’t want to be part of your life because it isn’t all sweetness and light.  These fair-weather friends are only there for the good times, when the shit hits the bedpan, they are out of here!!!

But the people who stay are true gems, and I appreciate the friends and family who have stuck by my side throughout the terrible lows and been there to cheer for the amazing highs.

Thank you to my amazing friends.

Thank you for never stopping inviting me.

 

Sam xxx

With a little help from my friend

/1 Comment/in /by

I have this friend called Caroline and without her, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have coped in the past few years. She will be super embarrassed and probably tell me off for this post, but I’m going for it anyway!

We met 12 years ago when I moved to a new area, I had no friends with kids and didn’t know a soul. We met at playgroup when I saw her toddler son wearing a Stone Roses tshirt and was smitten. I went home and called Timm. “I met someone like me!” I cried.  We joke that we then ignored each other for a year. But in 2005, we both had sons within a month of each other and our friendship bloomed.

 


When we became friends and starting hanging out together, my husband Timm was working away a lot, for months on end and Caroline and her partner Jim took me under their wings. It’s hard when you have a partner who works away, weekends are the worst as you feel you can’t intrude on other peoples family time so it can be very lonely.  Caroline always made me feel welcome and helped so much during that time.

Our boys have grown up together and the other children too and Caroline and Jim have become the best of friends with myself and Timm.   When we first introduced the men, we were worried they wouldn’t like each other, luckily they quickly became firm friends and from there have had so many adventures in the form of Responsible Fishing, their arts company.


Since I got so ill and started having surgeries, Caroline has been my rock.  I just can’t explain quite how much she has made everything better.  She was there. Not just physically but emotionally, she was there.

She has:

Visited

Hugged

Looked after kids

Cleaned

Cooked

Washed me

Held my hand

Listened to me shout and cry

Taken me out

Looked after my family

Looked after my pets

Encouraged me

Made me laugh

Allowed me to cry

Watched crap telly in my bed with me

A million other things…


She is the best friend I could ever wish for and I can’t believe my luck that I managed to find someone so bloody wonderful.  I am so grateful to have such a beautiful, amazing, sensitive, loving and creative soul to share my life with.  She is just the best.

The past 3 years have been the worst of my life.  There have been times where I just couldn’t get out of bed, the sadness on my shoulders was so heavy.  I felt as though there was a big, dark hole in my heart and it was spreading. It stopped the blood flowing to my limbs so they were heavy and didn’t want to move. It hurt my chest with it’s weight making me catch my breath. It hurt my brain by sending all the anxious thoughts in the world swirling around.


Throughout it all, Caroline has always been there, knowing and understanding, listening and hugging. She knows when to call and visit and when to give me time. She has been everything.


I just wanted to take this time to thank my amazing friend. For being everything.

Caroline, I’m sorry if this embarrasses you, but you are wonderful and I love you very, very much.  Your support, kindness and love has helped my family and myself more than you’ll ever know and I will never be able to repay you.


Sam xx

 

Happy Mothers Day

/0 Comments/in /by

Dear Mum,

Happy Mother’s Day!

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

Just a post to say how grateful I am for everything you do for me and my family and to tell you we all love you very much.  No mother and daughter relationship is without it’s bumps and arguments, and ours is the same but I love you lots and just wanted to tell you how special you are to me.

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

Your help and support this year has been a life saver, thank you for looking after us all, caring for me and being there for all five of us.  There’s not many son in laws who love their mother in laws quite as much as Timm loves you and so this is from him too, he loves you Mo Mo!

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

Thank you for being an amazing nannan to my kids, you mean the world to them and you know how much Charlie adores you (“just move in nan!!”)  I adore the relationship you have with them, you are so special to them and they couldn’t love you more.  You are the best nannan ever.

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

I am sorry when I am not there for you, I know I am not the best daughter in the world (and we all know who your favourite is *COUGH AUSSIES!!* :P)  I know I don’t call as often as I should and I am a bit rubbish at keeping in touch but you are in my thoughts all the time.

You are totally bonkers and still manage to surprise me when you turn up to parties in a naked fat suit or dressed like Elvis Presley.  You can drink me under the table, your shot drinking is astounding and you kick ass at Beer Pong.

pop stars fancy dress

 

You’ve been through a lot and it’s not easy for you, I know.  But know we love spending time with you, our holidays are brilliant, whether it’s in this country or abroad.  I am really proud of you when you try new things and I still can’t believe we got you on a horse!!!

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

 

Thank you for always being there for us, your cooking is second to none and you know that when the kids come home from school and see your car in the drive, they run in shouting “YEY! Nan’s cooking curry!!!”

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

Thank you for all the cooking and cleaning when I was recovering from this surgery, for helping Timm and taking some of the strain.  Thanks for helping me to bathe, probably not something you thought you’d ever have to do again! And thank you mostly for sitting in bed with me and watching a whole season of Hell’s Kitchen! “That’s f**king RAW!”

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

Happy Mothers Day momma,

mothers day mother daughter relationships maureen sam cleasby

 

I love you,

Sam xx

Letter to my children

/4 Comments/in /by

Hey bambinos,

It’s momma here, I thought I would pen you a note as you are all old enough to spend your days with your noses stuck to a phone/ipad/laptop and I know you sneak a peek at So Bad Ass from time to time.

Firstly (and always), mannnnn I love you guys so much.  Like, my heart swells and twists and pumps a little harder when I think about you.  You are my three proudest achievements, nothing I can do in my life will ever surpass the pride I feel when I know that a little bit of me and a little bit of dad managed to make these three human beings that are as mind blowingly awesome as you.

People talk about how I have coped with the past few years, all the surgeries, the hospital stays and the life changing additions and subtractions and I think they forget that you guys have been through it all too.  My heart breaks when I think about how my illness has hurt you all.  I am truly sorry that this has happened to us all, if I could have hidden it from you, I would.  I can never give you back the past few years and all the time we have lost with me in bed, I can’t replace the time you have spent visiting me in hospital, the hours that slipped away as I rest and heal and sleep.

sam cleasby family parent mother blogger

But I can thank you for it.  Bambinos, you are the best.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for taking everything on board, for being accepting and loving and caring.

Thank you for asking hilariously awkward questions about my stoma and butt (never stop!)

Thank you for not being embarrassed of me (even when your friends saw a photo of me in my knickers on the internet)

Thank you for the endless cups of tea.

Thank you for the hugs.  Every one healed me a little faster.

Thank you for bringing your friends to see me in my sick bed at home and not being ashamed of me.

Thank you for giving up your free time to sit in bed with me watching terrible TV.

Thank you for making me laugh (even when it hurts my stitches) you three are the funniest human beings in the world.

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for being you, you weird, bizarre, ridiculous, smart, funny, wonderful babies.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

I wish none of this had happened and that we could just be a normal, happy family, but I can’t change it and I just have to hope that we can gain some positive things from it all.  I know we are closer as a family, I know that your relationships with your dad have deepened so much and when I see you all together, it makes me smile.

I hope this situation has made you more open minded and accepting, I hope it has taught you patience and care and a knowledge to not judge a book by it’s cover.  I hope you are tougher for coming through the past few years and that you will learn to be more resilient, stronger and always try to find the silver lining in any situation.  (Even if that silver lining is a terrible joke, a meme about llamas or a memory of a good time).

It means so much to me that my bag doesn’t frighten or upset you, I know it was a shock in the early days, but I am so glad that you fully accept my ileostomy bag for what it is, a life saver.  After surgery, when you were all a little scared to come to close incase you hurt me, it shook me, I worried you would never want to hug me again, now I love the fact that you barely think about my bag and aren’t afraid to touch it, talk about it and even warm your hands on a very cold nighttime walk on it!! (Hahaha)

I want you to know that I am so proud of you all and the way that you have dealt with everything.  I know it was really scary that I had to go in to hospital again and it wasn’t nice to visit me and see all those tubes and wires everywhere, I know it was frightening when I wasn’t really with it because of all the medication.  You guys were awesome though, you made me laugh when you wore the sick bowls as hats and made me wear one too.  You brought me joy in those rubbish days when all I wanted was to be at home and every time I saw your faces, it reminded me to get strong quickly so I could get home to you all.

children and chronic illness ibd surgery

My bambinos, I know the past couple of months have been tough as hell.  Between my surgery and recovery, our bereavement, mine and dad’s work, your school life and the most stressful house move known to man (we’re nearly there, I promise!!!), it has been really hard and I know you have all been freaking out.  It makes me feel guilty to know you guys are stressed, I feel it is my job as a mum to protect you from stress, but unfortunately this is life and it’s a learning process for you to know that bad stuff happens, yup, even to good people.  But that’s ok.

You don’t appreciate the great times without lulls of crapness, we have had more than our fair share of crap times, I know.  But we also have something really special, we have us.  Our family is awesome, me, dad and you three flipping rock, we are just the best and we have to celebrate that.

Let’s hope that after a bad start to the year, 2016 will be beautiful.  I’m looking forward to our new home, to working in the allotment with you all, to parties and big dinners with the people we love, to your aunty, uncle and cousin visiting us from Australia, to a weekend in Manchester watching the Stone Roses, to visits to London, to galleries and exhibitions, walks in the park and cuddles on the sofa, to visits from nan and a house full of your friends, to hot tubs in the summer and ridiculous gatherings of our silly friends and especially to our family road trip to America!!

sam cleasby mum parent blogger

The thing I look forward to the most is seeing you lot grow and thrive, you are all getting so grown up and it is scary to think that you aren’t babies any more.  Two of you are teens and one will start secondary school this year!! You are all dealing with your own struggles, and bambinos, I know it is SO HARD! You are filled with hormones and emotion and are learning who you are as people, you are becoming the best young men and women that I have ever met.  Dad and I may be tough on you, we nag about work ethics and housework, manners and respect, it is only because we love you more than anything and we can see how close that horizon of adulthood is to you.  We can see it nearing day by day that in no time at all you will be leaving school, going to uni, travelling the world and leaving home.

But let’s not rush it eh? Let’s enjoy our time together because after all the s**t (yes, mum swore) we have been through, we deserve something good.

I love you bambinos

 

Mum x

Scope’s #EndTheAwkward Romance Classics

/0 Comments/in /by

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and the fabulous Scope are all about the romance.  As part of their End The Awkward campaign, they’ve kicked off the most romantic time of the year by releasing swoonsome recreations of iconic Mills & Boon book covers – starring disabled people.

They created Scope Romance Classics in response to their new polling that shows just 6% of people in the UK have been on a date with a disabled person they met through an online dating site or app like Tinder. This is because too often people don’t see disabled people in romantic situations. So they made them the romantic leads for Valentine’s Day.

I love it! I love the whole End The Awkward campaign that aims to normalise disability by showing people with disabilities in everyday situations in the media.  On Valentine’s Day, it is a great time to think about everyone in society, not just able bodied.  How often do you see people with disability in romantic situations in the media?
mills and boon scope

 

 

I was really proud to be part of Scope’s A-Z of Sex and Disability last year which aimed to share the experiences of people, educate and support those struggling with their own sexuality due to illness, accident or disability.

mills and boon scope

 

For more information on Scope and End The Awkward, head over to their website now.

 

I have this friend…

/4 Comments/in /by

I have this friend. Her name is Fenn. (It’s not, she’s known by all manner of names, but to me she is Fenn.)

We ‘met’ online over 10 years ago on a website called The Bad Mothers Club.  It was pre Facebook, pre Twitter, pre Facetiming, skyping and instagram.  A vine was still something that grapes grew on to make delicious wine. Forums were the thing and my family thought I was opening myself up to being murdered by a stranger.

Fenn was one of the big girls on the forum, thoroughly intimidating but in a cool big sister way, not a mean girls way. (She never told me to wear pink on Tuesdays).  So we chatted, we found ourselves on the same threads and we talked shit, made terrible jokes and mainly were honest, struggling mums who could tell it like it is.  I met some bloody wonderful people on that forum, many of whom I still speak to today, all in the premise of being bad mums.  We weren’t and we aren’t.  But we found peace in having the ability to share our parenting woes with like-minded individuals.

sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

I always liked Fenn, we clicked and I knew I would make her mine and call her squishy.  Months of forum chat turned into emails and private messages where we would talk about anything and everything.  It was a really isolating time for me.  I had three kids under 5 and a husband who worked away, Timm had just started working for the Arctic Monkeys and was touring for 9 months a year and I was home alone with the kids.  I had been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis 2 years before and during flare ups, I would barely leave home or speak to other human beings.

Our first phone call was nerve wracking, the premise of it was that she was going to help talk me through understanding Paypal.  Don’t mock.  It was all very new!!! An hour later after her banging her head against the wall in frustration of speaking to a tech-phobic moron, we were laughing and chatting as though we had known each other forever.
sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

We first met in person when I took the train to her home town to stay with her.  This goes against all internet safety warnings, but after a year or so of chatting on the phone we made the leap.  I remember sitting on the train and thinking ‘fuck, what if we hate each other??, what if we have nothing to say?’.  I needn’t have worried, we hugged, went back to hers, drank rosè and talked for hours.

sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

Our friendship over the past ten years has seen us through raising 5 kids, relationships breaking down, new loves, illness, surgeries, heartbreak, new loves, new careers, six years working together at Leeds festival, our lowest lows and our highest highs.  We live 100 miles apart and don’t get to see each other nearly as much as we both wished but this girl is my love.

I don’t think I would be here writing this blog if it wasn’t for Fenn and her ever helpful tech and social media advise.  She is creative, artistic and ever brilliant and you need to go take a look at her work at Sex, Death, Rock n Roll (yes, that IS the best blog name ever).
sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

Today is her birthday and I think you should all go over to like her Facebook page and wish her a happy birthday for she is bloody wonderful.

Friendship comes in many different ways, often when we least expect it.  For years, people would say she was my “internet friend” as if that meant she weren’t real, as if the fact we met online negated from any real life connection.  We live in a time where we can connect with other people from all over the world in ways never experienced before, that is a wonderful thing.  Of course we need to keep ourselves safe, but the internet opens life up and gives you the ability to make friends that can last a lifetime.

Fenn is my true friend.  She makes me happy, she talks me through my sadness, she is my shoulder to cry on, my partner in crime and my support.  I love her very much and truly hope that I have made her cry as she reads this! 😛

A few years ago, I trained as a masseuse and got the opportunity to go to Leeds festival and be their backstage masseuse for artists.  As I had a massive panic attack about it, I knew there was one person to talk me down and be by my side.  Together we did 6 years, hanging out with rock stars, giving eye liner to American punk boys, feeding lolly pops and cider to indie bands and generally having a fucking amazing time.

sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

The last time we did that was in 2013.  I was ill.  I had been ill for months and knew I wasn’t well enough to go but didn’t want to let anyone down.  When we arrived there was confusion, problems with work space, a back stage manager who was trying to fuck us over (don’t ask!!) and a lot of stress.  I managed the first night and then between us, we had had enough and went home.  The next day I was admitted to hospital and I didn’t leave for two and a half weeks.  When I left, I no longer had my colon.

My wonderful Fenn, I want to thank you for those 6 years.  We had a blast didn’t we?!  Josh Homme calling you ma’am, Jarvis Cocker, the Axl Rose debacle, the Beth Ditto debacle, nearly taking out Dave Grohl with a swedish wooden throwing game, you getting me to meet Pete Doherty, hanging out on buggies, sleeping behind the main stage with a stage light for warmth, telling Chung “celeb gossip” about Gok Wan to realise it all came from Pop Bitch, the lovely coffee, the dining with stars, the case of the stolen guitar that we solved like punk Miss Marples, Jack Black, the year of the weird yogi and his life in a cave, the shaming of those who thought we should know who they were, the laughs, the tears and the cider.  Always the cider.

I should probably mention now our one and only argument.  It involved drunkenness, tents, cameras and a bottle being thrown at my head… It was magnificent!

 

sam cleasby and violet fenn bloggers

You are a gem, you know.  You deal with so much and you are an inspiration to so many.  Though times are tough and you have a lot on your plate, you are always there for me and I am truly grateful.  You know what else I am grateful for?  That fella of yours.  Thank you lovely boy for making my girl the happiest I have ever seen her.  It is a real joy to see you together.

We keep promising to do more work together, then life, kids, illness, stress gets in the way.  I don’t stress about it though, as I know we are going to do something amazing together at some point.  We are both so fucking awesome that it would be a travesty for it NOT to happen!

mighty boosh fancy dress crack fox

From the humble beginnings of a tiny corner of the internet to where we are now, I am so glad you are part of my life.  I hope you have a marvellous birthday, I only wish I were closer so I could come and clink a glass with you.  We will be friends to the very bitter end, when we are old punk biddies in amazing costumes with bright pink hair and kick ass shoes.

And that is why, my love, when I renewed my wedding vows to my Timm last year after the worst times of our lives, there was only ever one person who I could have had to perform the ceremony.  Thank you for being such an integral part of such an important day.  I love you.

 

Happy Birthday beautiful xxx

 

Please do go check out my wonderful Fenn…

Website – Facebook – Twitter

I’m not sorry

/8 Comments/in /by

My name is Sam Cleasby and I am not sorry.

I apologise constantly, I say sorry to people who bump into me in the street, I say “sorry to bother you” to people who serve me in shops, I apologise to the postman if I don’t get to the door immediately.  If I am offended by someones behaviour, I end up apologising for being over sensitive.  I even said sorry to the dog this morning.

I spend a large amount of my days saying sorry for things that I have no need to apologise for and that needs to stop.  I think it is a throwback to a Catholic upbringing filled with guilt or perhaps that I hate for people to dislike me, though I am learning to deal with it, I don’t like conflict, I have a fear of making others angry.

 

I grew up feeling quite insecure, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, worried that I wasn’t enough and maybe I always felt I have to apologise for my mere existence. So I say sorry.  A lot.

apologising too much

I hate that I apologise so much but it has become a kind of verbal tic, it comes out of my mouth before I even realise it.  It’s funny as I am a reasonably confident person yet the part of me that doesn’t feel enough comes sneaking out all too often.  And it’s not just me, according to a YouGov study a third of British people feel they apologise too much.

Saying sorry when you are in the wrong is the right thing to do and I am all about good manners but when you over apologise, it can give others the impression that you are not confident, are weak and easy to walk over.  Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist and the author of The Power of the Apology talks about how over-apologising can send a message that you’re ineffectual and have low self-esteem, she says “It can give a certain kind of person permission to treat you poorly, or even abuse you.”

 

I strongly believe that when you are in the wrong, an acceptance of your fault and a true, heartfelt apology goes a long, long way.  I have a real problem with people who don’t accept responsibility in their lives, those who think the world owes them a favour, I grew up with people like that, those whose favourite words are “it’s alright for you”.  People who no matter what, believe they are in the right.  And those people suck.  This isn’t about never saying sorry, just only saying sorry when we really are!

I am making a stand for myself and I am going to stop being such a walk over, I have always let things slide or apologised even when I am not in the wrong and I have had enough.  I am done with the people who treat me badly, done with saying sorry when I have done nothing wrong.  The next time someone bumps into me in the street I will not say sorry.  The next time someone upsets me, I won’t apologise for my feelings.

I have been through so much in the past few years with my health that I realise I need to start to care more about myself.  I need to put me first a lot more, I need to cut those who have hurt me, who don’t care about me, out of my life and I need to not say sorry for just being myself.  What my illness has taught me is that life is short, you don’t know how long you have on this Earth and so we need to live every moment to the fullest.  That means celebrating your time with people who bring love, joy and happiness into your life and not apologising for your existence.

My name is Sam Cleasby and I am not sorry.