I don’t suffer with depression. People I know who do, have educated me about the soul crushing symptoms of true depression and so I don’t want you to be under any impression that what I’m talking about here is the same as that. But sometimes, without warning, I get this dark cloud that floats along and then sits heavily on my shoulders. It is like a deep sadness and it is hard to shake.
My blog is about positivity and finding the silver lining in all situations, and I do genuinely believe in that. I practice what I preach, I try to deal with the hand dealt to me in the best way I can. But sometimes that makes it difficult for me to admit when this cloud approaches.
Things aren’t bad at the moment in my life, I was on the radio and had a brilliant interview about Ulcerative Colitis and ostomies. I had some fantastic feedback from this and have been invited back to be on Radio Sheffield again soon. I went to London at the weekend to do a talk at the Sunday Assembly about IBD and body image. I have a few more events coming up and I’m off to the gorgeous Clumber Park Spa this week to review it, a day of relaxation is just what I need right now!
So why is it that I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat? Why do I feel so sad and low?
I think most people have the odd ‘off day’ and I am sure that is all this is. I have had a really hard year and have had to overcome a lot and so I accept that I will have times when it is all a little overwhelming. I think it is really important to learn to accept this, to be ok with having moments where I want to build a duvet fort and hide from the world.
I am very good at painting a smile on, this is both a good thing and also a curse. Despite how easy I find it to share my feelings through writing words, I sometimes struggle to speak those words to the people closest to me. I find it easier to make a joke and act the fool.
But sometimes the weight of that painted smile becomes a heavy cross to bear. The feelings of sadness, guilt and anxiety swirl away just under the surface. I feel overwhelmed.
My pouch is still playing up, new meds made me into a zombie and so it is back to the drawing board. Oh, and my hernia is back. The only treatment is surgery which I just can’t face right now so I am going to just have to deal with it till it gets too painful.
I feel like I have been through so much this year and I hoped that I would feel better by now, I was told it was a long recovery period from the pouch surgery (18 months to 2 years) but I thought I would be doing ok. Instead I feel like I have taken a big leap backwards. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Timm is, as ever, being awesome. He tells me to rest and leaves me to sleep in whilst he gets up with the kids and sorts them for school. He then goes and does a full days work before heading home to look after kids and me… I can’t help but feel sorry for him. He deserves better.
When I say this, he gives me a hug, then tells me to stop being a dickhead.
So there it is. My whinge is out.
I am trying hard for normal service to resume, so please bear with me.
Love Sam xxxx