I was in the Leadmill with my friend Lizzy, her boyfriend was the DJ at a new club night and she’s got us tickets. I wasn’t going to go out but she really wanted to see her fella so I agreed.
We went and danced and partied and I was glad I’d made the effort to go out. She went to see her boyfriend whilst I went to the bar and as I looked up at the DJ box for her, I spied a man with long hair wildly dancing hanging off the booth whilst taking requests and was just a little bit smitten!
I recognised him as the bloke I’d seen a few weeks earlier in the same club skating in and dancing with friends. I’d wanted to speak to him then, but bottled it. Lizzy came down and I asked about him, she said he was called Timm and that I should come meet him.
I know people may not believe this but I used to be so shy and unconfident and I was too embarrassed to speak to him. So she dashed off and jumped up to the box and called the immortal words “HEY! My mate fancies you!”
I was mortified.
He looked down and said “the one with a skin head?” She nodded. “Bring her up!” Shyly I went and said hi and he handed me some champagne in a chipped mug. I thought it was the coolest thing ever!
Timm is my best person in the world, he makes my life happier, fuller and better and I know it sounds cliche but I genuinely love him more with each year that passes.
I worry about him. I worry that all the stress and hardships of my illness will be too much for him. He’s a good bloke though and I know he’d never just walk away but this makes me worry that he feels stuck with me, that I’m a burden to him.
I worry that he has turned from my partner to my carer and that I make him unhappy. Often people think so much about the person who is ill but their partner is expected to just cope with it all. Timm’s had to do so much for me in the last 13 years and the past 3 years and 5 surgeries have put so much strain on him. I feel sad that the cause of his stress is me.
Timm makes me feel like the best woman on earth, he tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m in pyjamas and unable to shower and haven’t slept for two days. He says I’m the best even when I know I am further towards the worst. He makes me laugh even in my darkest hours. He listens, he supports, he makes everything better.
I thought I loved Timm when I was 18. And I did! But the depth of my love for him now at 35 is so much more than I could have ever imagined. It’s a love that comes with time, he knows me better than anyone else in the world, there’s no facade, no fakery, nothing hidden.
He is my everything. And though I struggle with feeling that I’m a burden to him, and worry I’m not good enough, he has my heart and always will.
Happy Anniversary of when a skin head’s friend told you that she fancied you.
18 years bubsy xxx