Type. Delete. Type. Delete. Draft. Scrap. Write. Burn laptop and bury remains in the woods.
I’m struggling at the minute with something that even I, Poo Lady Sam, am finding it hard to talk about. I’ve shared with you all every high and low of my illness journey in the past two years, from shitting myself to surgery, tears to joy, complications and photos of my intestines!
So why is it that I can’t bring myself to talk about what I’m going through right now?
The truth is that I have a vaginal prolapse. My intestines and pouch are pushing against my vaginal wall from the inside and I am struggling with a rectocele.
This is really uncomfortable, makes toilet trips very difficult and hardest of all, I am so desperately embarrassed and sad about it all.
Why this complication feels SO MUCH WORSE than anything to do with my IBD I have no idea. I suppose it’s because your fanny is so private, that it’s the centre of your womanhood, that the connotations around a less that perfect vag-j-j are humiliating and hurtful.
Perhaps it’s because we are taught to not speak about our genitals? Perhaps I am worried people will laugh? Maybe I’m concerned this is too private to talk about on a blog?
Even as I write this, I am very unsure of whether I’ll hit ‘post’. But like every other medical ordeal in the past few years, I thought that the act of writing this could be cathartic, whether I share it or not.
When I say the word ‘prolapse’ out loud, I cry. I get a lump in my throat and tears spring into my eyes. I feel shame burning across my chest and making my cheeks glow fiercely.
I’m in pain. It hurts, this dragging back ache and a psychological terror that everything will fall out. Going to the loo is stressful, upsetting and scary.
But worse than all of that is this feeling inside like a small black hole that’s slowly absorbing any good feelings. It’s making the colour drain from life, sucking at happiness. I can’t think how I can cope with this setback, I’m scared. It doesn’t feel fair. I’ve had my bad luck, surely I get a break now?!
I am trying hard to maintain a jolly personality and ensure that from the outside, everything is ok. I can sense, and I think others can too, that it’s all a bit forced, that my laugh doesn’t ring quite true, that my voice is a little too loud and my smile not very genuine. I just can’t bring myself to admit to others that I am struggling as I don’t want to talk about my broken fanny!
And this is me! Bloody hell I talk about some of the most embarrassing conditions known to man! I go in the newspapers and on TV and talk about my arse!!!! Jeez, it’s ridiculous that this is throwing me so much. I keep reading this post in my drafts and adding to it, all the while very much doubting my ability to send it out to the whole world.
As I read up on the problem, I see the nhs suggesting that often they will leave the issue if it’s not severe. This upsets me as I wonder what their levels of severity are? Right now this is all I can think about. It always feels like there’s something in my vagina, it’s painful in my groin, I spend my evenings with a hot water bottle inbetween my legs!! I also can’t use the toilet very well, having a Jpouch means that on a good day, I poo 5 or 6 times and I currently have pouchitis so I’m going a lot more and I’m feeling very poorly. So this added problem is firstly making me too scared to go and secondly taking so much time.
I don’t want more surgery. I’ve had 3 in 2 years! But I also don’t want to have this become my life. I’m developing this intense fear of anything to do with inside my knickers! The idea of using the toilet is too much to bear, so anything else is just a million miles away.
The thing that makes me want to share this post is that I have learnt that it is a complication that many women are dealing with, some due to IBD and the Jpouch and others due to childbirth, illness, cancer etc and I’m fairly confident many of them feel this embarrassment and shame that I’m experiencing. So maybe I need to be brave for them in the way I stood up and was brave for those with IBD?
I’ve seen my consultant and I’m back on Tuesday for him to do a scope in my pouch and he’ll also see what’s going on in the front too. So hopefully will have more answers soon.
Till then I am trying to freeze and shrink that swirling vortex of doom that is this mental black hole. Trying to paste on a smile, get through each day and not let this sadness take hold.