You may read this title and laugh, after all this whole blog is filled with my feelings. I post a few times a week eloquently and whole heartedly sharing how I am feeling with the whole world. If anything, I’m an over sharer! I tell you lot intimate and private parts of my life and chuck a few photos in to boot.
So what am I talking about? Well, talking. You see, as much as I can blurt out my inner demons on this page, and even when I do public speaking or media I am perfectly happy and able to speak out about all manner of feelings, emotions and experiences. Yet, I find it ridiculously difficult to speak to the people I love.
I told you all in my last blog post that I have two hernias and that I’m feeling terrible. I’m scared, angry and really devastated. This, of course, means that I’ve had real life friends and family reach out to me to help. To listen. To be there.
Yet I just can’t open up. I gloss over, I make a joke, I change the subject. If pushed, I will briefly say that I’m upset and unhappy but then I move on. I just wonder why I’m like this when I can pour my heart out on this blog?
I do speak to Timm. I am honest and allow him in. We’ve talked all weekend about how I feel, how he feels, how he can help me. He’s held me as I wept, listened to me rant and told me I’m a nobhead when I said that this wasn’t getting any easier and perhaps my life will now be filled with health complications so if he wanted to leave now, he could.
I’ve got some wonderful friends and family, and it makes me sad that I struggle to reach out to them. It’s not because of them, I love and trust them and know they want to help me. I think there’s a big part of my personality that is a people pleaser, I want to make others happy and so I sometimes feel like I’m bringing others down if I tell them how I feel.
I know this is cliched as hell but I think a big part of my issues go back to my father leaving and not giving a shit about me as a child. I suppose I always worry that people will leave me, that I’m unlovable therefore I need to be as easy to be around as possible to make sure people stay.
I do talk to friends, but I wish I could find it easier to open up and lay my feelings on the table. To ask for help and allow others to be there for me. It’s so important to talk to those closest to you, I say time and again in replies to messages I get, that we have to be open and let people in. Yet I’m probably not following that advice myself.
And so I’m going to try and make an effort to speak out IRL (as the kids say… In Real Life for the oldies!) and not let the demons of my past affect my present and my future.
Thank you for all the kind messages I’ve received in the past few days, you guys are awesome.