Ulcerative Colitis – a gift?

Anyone who has seen or heard me writhing in agony, weeping with embarrassment or slumping in an exhausted heap may read this post with a wry smile on their face, but I wanted to write about how despite all its tough times, Ulcerative Colitis has also been a gift.

When I was first diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis back in 2003 I went through a whole grieving process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.  Once you have accepted the disease and the path it will lead you down, you realise that without it, you wouldn’t be the person you are today.  You realise that this disease has changed you, and on the whole, it has changed you for the better, you may be physically weaker, but the strength you have to find to deal with a chronic illness makes you a fuller, kinder and more open person.

stoma ostomy ileostomy colostomy ibd ulcerative colitis photo shoot

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to romanticise Ulcerative Colitis or Crohns, it is a heavy cross to bear, there have been many times that I have cried till I had no tears left, that I took my anger out on those around me and that I shouted the immortal words of “WHY ME?! ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!”

But along with the hard times, the medication, the pain, the hospitalisation, the surgeries and the emotional war that rages within you during a flare up, having Ulcerative Colitis has also given me so much.  It has shown me that I am braver than I think I am, tough as an ox and that I have it in me to inspire others.

When I was a mother of three by the time I was 23 with no qualifications and then given what at the time felt like a life sentence of blood and shit, I never thought I would be at a point where my words were being read by thousands, that I would receive messages of support and cries for help from all over the world.  I never believed I would be asked to speak at International Women’s Day, little old me? Im just a girl from Sheffield who doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up!

ibd warrior inner strength confidence ostomy ileostomy bag

Ulcerative Colitis has lead me down a path of meeting people like me, who deal with this disease every day, who I can talk about the things that would turn most peoples stomachs and just make us laugh.

It has shown me that I am surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends.  When I was in hospital for surgery last year and in the months since, I have been completely overwhelmed by the compassion, kindness, humour, love and help of those around me.

It has made sure Im damn straight on the fact that life is precious.  You never know what you will face and my Ulcerative Colitis reminds me that you are here once and not for very long.  Live hard, live with love and follow your dreams.  Don’t waste time on the shit that means nothing, concentrate on what you want and how you can get there.  Hold your loved ones close and enjoy life.

It has made me take stock of what is important to me.  My husband, my children, my family, my friends, my self esteem, my morals.  It made me look at where I wanted to be and made me make it happen.  My husband and I sold up and moved to a big rented mill in the countryside to expand our photography business, The Picture Foundry, it was scary (still is!!) and hard work but making the move has improved our lives and brought us closer together, our business is thriving and moving forward all the time.  Ulcerative Colitis really moulded me into a person who is brave enough to make the changes I want in life.

It has stopped me being afraid.  Or at least made me work on my fears.  After having major surgery to have your bowel removed it makes you feel like you have faced the toughest times and so those things that frightened you before are no where NEAR as big or bad as the disease you live with.

It has taught me to respect and love my body.  Its the only one I have and despite its faults I need to look after it.  After all it has been through I think it is pretty amazing! Yes, it has a stoma and scars but I have learnt to embrace the changes and not be embarrassed of them.  Through weight gain from steroids, epic diarrhoea, being pumped full of drugs and being cut open, my body has stayed resilient and kept me going through it all.  I love my battered and scarred body.

sunbathing with an ileostomy stoma ostomy travel holidays bikini swimwear

Finally Ulcerative Colitis gave me the opportunity to slow down and release control.  When I am ill, when I had surgery, I needed to release the reins and allow myself to be weak, to be cared for and to let others in.  It made me realise that my husband is amazing, he cares for me in such a tender, honest and funny way.  He never judges, never wavers in his love or attraction for me and makes everything better.

Its good to be a strong person, to have self esteem and confidence, but now and then it is good to relax, to be cared for and treasured.  Im lucky to have such amazing people around me.

woman with stoma ileostomy ostomy stoma images

Im lucky to have had Ulcerative Colitis.

Sam x

15 replies
  1. Nicola Goodlad
    Nicola Goodlad says:

    Well said Sam – I think we all can relate to this post and know exactly what you mean!
    My husband is the same and is my ‘rock’ he has been through so much with me in the 15 years of our marriage and never faulters on the loving care he gives me as well as working and looking after our son at the same time, and I know he will be there for all my future flares and surgeries – I feel so lucky to have him, otherwise I just don’t know how I would cope with this awful disease!
    Thank you for your posts
    Nicola xx

    Reply
    • sam
      sam says:

      Thanks so much for your comment, I was a little nervous about posting this as I don’t want to come across as glib, I know the pain and distress of ulcerative colitis and Im definitely not making light of it. I just think it does us goo to try and see the positives xxx

      Reply
  2. Nicola Goodlad
    Nicola Goodlad says:

    Well said Sam – I think we all can relate to this post and know exactly what you mean!
    My husband is the same and is my ‘rock’ he has been through so much with me in the 15 years of our marriage and never faulters on the loving care he gives me as well as working and looking after our son at the same time, and I know he will be there for all my future flares and surgeries – I feel so lucky to have him, otherwise I just don’t know how I would cope with this awful disease!
    Thank you for your posts
    Nicola xx

    Reply
    • sam
      sam says:

      Thanks so much for your comment, I was a little nervous about posting this as I don’t want to come across as glib, I know the pain and distress of ulcerative colitis and Im definitely not making light of it. I just think it does us goo to try and see the positives xxx

      Reply
  3. leslie427
    leslie427 says:

    Hi, Sam! First time commenter. I love this post. I’m flaring, so I started reading it with a big “Yeah, right!” in my head. I especially love this:
    Through weight gain from steroids, epic diarrhoea, being pumped full of drugs and being cut open, my body has stayed resilient and kept me going through it all. I love my battered and scarred body.
    You know what? My body has kept me going, too. I still have my colon, for now – but I have experienced the other three things you mention, usually all at the same time! Thank you so much for helping me realize today that, while I don’t think of my UC as a “gift” – well, maybe a gag gift – it has taught me some valuable things. Best to you!

    Reply
    • sam
      sam says:

      Hi Leslie

      Thanks so much for commenting, I’m so glad the post meant something to you. I know if I read that in the middle of a flare id be growling at the screen!! But I honestly do believe that keeping a positive outlook makes things easier xxx

      Reply
  4. leslie427
    leslie427 says:

    Hi, Sam! First time commenter. I love this post. I’m flaring, so I started reading it with a big “Yeah, right!” in my head. I especially love this:
    Through weight gain from steroids, epic diarrhoea, being pumped full of drugs and being cut open, my body has stayed resilient and kept me going through it all. I love my battered and scarred body.
    You know what? My body has kept me going, too. I still have my colon, for now – but I have experienced the other three things you mention, usually all at the same time! Thank you so much for helping me realize today that, while I don’t think of my UC as a “gift” – well, maybe a gag gift – it has taught me some valuable things. Best to you!

    Reply
    • sam
      sam says:

      Hi Leslie

      Thanks so much for commenting, I’m so glad the post meant something to you. I know if I read that in the middle of a flare id be growling at the screen!! But I honestly do believe that keeping a positive outlook makes things easier xxx

      Reply
  5. Andy Pickard
    Andy Pickard says:

    I’m a fellow wedding photographer who has carried the UC monkey around since 1986 I’d just like to compliment you on your great blog about a subject that most want to hide from view. Well done and keep up the good work

    Reply
  6. Andy Pickard
    Andy Pickard says:

    I’m a fellow wedding photographer who has carried the UC monkey around since 1986 I’d just like to compliment you on your great blog about a subject that most want to hide from view. Well done and keep up the good work

    Reply
  7. Laura
    Laura says:

    I was just saying to my friend today that if I didn’t have UC I wouldn’t be who I am now I changed my entire life after my diagnosis to work from home, doing less hours, taking up all the hobbies that I gave up to work 10 hours a day.
    I was just in town with my friend and we were gassing about how we can just meet for coffee in the middle of the day.
    I thought ‘I bloody love my life’!!!
    My life in ways is better than before.
    Ask me again when I’m flaring though lol

    Reply
  8. cavouta
    cavouta says:

    I have had severe digestive system issues…ulcerative colitis most of my adult life. My ability to digest and absorb foods properly to get the nutritional benefit was greatly diminished. I knew nothing would be “quick fix”, since I had been digestively compromised for so many years.

    It turns out, my intestinal bacteria were probably totally out of whack from all the trauma and medications my digestive system had endured over all these years. I researched and decided on the Lady Soma Fiber Cleanse – I ordered online after being recommended by my GP. When I received these, I immediately started taking them. I did feel a little dizzy after but I know this response just means the Deep Immune is doing its job, killing off bad bacteria and replacing it with good bacteria.

    After my body finished dumping all those toxins, I STARTED FEELING BETTER THAN I HAVE FOR YEARS! I will continue to use Lady Soma’s Fiber Cleanse It is probably a good addition for everyone’s general health, but it can also be life changing for some people like me.

    Reply
  9. Donald Barbarie
    Donald Barbarie says:

    Thank you for Sharing all your post but specially this one Ulcerative Colitis has changed me for the best inner sole that could have ever hope for I feel so proud of my new me that has surfaced this would have never happen without this condition.
    Every dark cloud has a silver lining !
    Donald

    Reply

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