Stupid bloody fatigue
Sorry, I know that isn’t the most mature title but I’m pissed off. Yesterday, for once, I felt like I had energy, I had all the spoons in the world. I was living in a spoon factory.
If you think I’ve lost my marbles then go have a read of the Spoon Theory. “It’s a disability metaphor used to explain the reduced amount of energy available for activities of daily living and productive tasks that may result from disability or chronic illness.
Spoons are an intangible unit of measurement used to track how much energy a person has throughout a given day. Each activity requires a given number of spoons, which will only be replaced as the person “recharges” through rest. A person who runs out of spoons has no choice but to rest until their spoons are replenished.”
Anyway, I had allllllll the spoons yesterday and so I did what I always do when I feel good which is, too much. Too much of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t out raving. My version of too much is working, cleaning, cooking tea, playing with the dogs, having a bath.
Rock n fucking roll eh?
I felt like maybe I had turned a corner and that my energy levels were up and the fatigue had gone. Stupid, stupid me.
I woke this morning feeling like I am dead. Every joint is stiff and painful. My head is full of cotton wool. I feel like I haven’t slept in a year. I can barely move. Imagine you have a stinking hangover and you ran a marathon yesterday, that is how I feel today (and most days).
And so I’m mardy. Man, I am a grumpy fucker today.
I feel like yesterday was some sort of sick joke that only occurred to make me remember what it’s like to feel human so today I can just feel the full force of the shitstorm that is my life.
I’m always exhausted. And today I feel shit about it. I almost wish that I hadn’t felt good yesterday and today feels so much worse.
Sorry for the whinge, but fatigue is probably the worst thing I deal with. It sucks and I can’t put a happy face on it today. My mood has dropped through the floor today and I can’t see the silver lining.
And so I’m going to wallow.
Because some days, wallowing is ok. Some days, it is ok to have a face like thunder and feel like shit, it’s ok to not feel positive, it’s ok to to be miserable.
So here’s to all the badasses who need to wallow sometimes.
Sam xx
I totally sympathise I am always the same. I have a permanent ileostomy.
You had my spoons yesterday! I felt like seven shades of ? and could do bugger all. You’re right – when you’re feeling ‘well’ it’s so easy to get sucked into thinking it’ll last … I had 10 years of that ??? yay ‘go my body’ after 15 years of UC my ileostomy saved me and I felt GREAT, no naps, no real issues, NO PAIN, I was all kinds of happy ? I was cooking on gas and put my foot on the pedal and went for everything full blast … till last June when I had an adhesional obstruction. It really pissed me off when the quacks kept saying I’d get better – excuse me, I’m 47, I think I know my body a little better than you Mr, who’s seen me all of 2 minutes and I’m your last patient and even the cleaners can’t wait for me to be discharged… ermmm not happening. So nerve damage it is, chronic pain, lethargy, I’ve become intolerant to everything – gluten, not allowed fibre the usual stuff they warn you off and even alcohol and chocolate make me sick – just to add insult to injury!!! ? And then there’s the anxiety – thank you Mr Know It All for telling me I’m more likely to have another obstruction because my adhesions were so bad from my ileostomy they flipped my small intestine over completely blocking it. Cheers mate – it’s like having the sword of Damocles permanently hanging over me ?
So rant away – we all need to let off a little steam ? now and again ? x
It’s good to vent, and perversely, makes people feel better, probably because we who suffer from similar challenges don’t feel alone and self-pitying. In my case, it’s atrial fibrillation, and doing anything requires chopping it up into manageable bits. Fatigue is hard to separate from the notion that one is lazy. Very frustrating. Thanks for your words.
Totally understand needing to vent. Had 2 leaks this week and the second leak incident with my permanent ostomy of 4 months was a killer for me. My leak lasted for 20 bloody minutes and I could do nothing but wait so I could change my bag properly. Felt sorry for myself and this leak truly made me have thoughts about my ostomy that I try to to dwell on. That night all my ugly thoughts about my ostomy came out and thank goodness once I was able to replace my pouch I then have a good thought that returned. This ostomy saved my life due to my cancer and that the chrmobis now doing having in my stoma and caudingbmire leaks than I could imagine. But I am into number 5 of chemo and only 7 more to go so hoping leaks will be ALOT less frequent once chemo is over. Here’s hoping for better days for us all.